Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

Mike shoved his hand into the pocket of his black athletic shorts. “You got me. I haven’t been able to figure it out either.”

  Jay turned to face him. “And what was your excuse? Why’d you agree to play along?”

  He grinned. “I brought her to the party to get Mom off my back. I thought if I told her I was seein’ Victoria, she’d give me a break for a while.”

  Jay didn’t like his reasoning, but he could definitely understand it. “And Vic was okay with that?”

  “She knew the score.”

  Tori walked into the room and stood on her tiptoes to brush a kiss across Jay’s cheek. “Nice to see you again, Jay.”

  Jay smirked at his brother. “Yeah, you too, Tori.”

  She glared at Mike. “I wish I could say the same about you.”

  “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, baby.”

  Jay couldn’t believe his brother was being so callous. He loved women, had dated more than his fair share, but he was always respectful.

  Her eyes narrowed. “You worthless piece of—” She took a deep breath before plastering a smile on her face. “You know what? You’re not even worth it.” She turned toward Jay. “I hope things work out with Victoria. She seems like a sweetheart.”

  “Thanks, hon. I hope so, too.” Unlike Mike, Jay liked and respected Tori and was happy to count her among his friends. “I’ll keep you posted, okay?”

  “You better.” Without another word to Mike, she walked out the door.

  “Are you crazy?” Jay asked, turning on his brother. “You just slept with Tori-freakin’-Warner, and you treat her like some cheap one night stand?”

  “That’s all it was, a one night stand.”

  “Do you know how many guys would give their right arm to have that woman in their bed?”

  Mike got a fierce look on his face. “Yeah, maybe that’s the problem.”

  Jay had never known his brother to be possessive of a woman, but there was no other way to describe his reaction. “Man, you need to think about goin’ after her.”

  “Let her go. Hell, she’ll be on to some other guy by tomorrow night.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  “I don’t give a shit what she does.”

  Jay shook his head. He didn’t have time to stand around trying to convince his brother he was missing out. He had to see Victoria.

  Victoria rolled over, trying to find a comfortable position when the sound of an engine revving alerted her that someone was outside. She jumped up and ran to the window. Jay. Damn. When she’d written her address on the employment forms he’d given her, she never expected him to use the information to ambush her in the middle of the night.

  She threw the door open before he had a chance to knock, deciding that being on the offensive was her only chance of holding her ground. She turned the outside light on, and when he stepped off his motorcycle and took his helmet off, she knew she didn’t have a prayer of resisting him. Man oh man, faded blue jeans, a black leather jacket, and motorcycle boots had never looked so good.

  She watched him walk up the driveway and cross the porch. “What are you doing here?” She put her hands on her hips and tried to infuse as much bravado as she could muster into her next statement. “Whatever it is, I don’t want to—”

  He cut her off with a fierce kiss that swallowed her next breath. “Inside. Now.”

  Any woman in her right mind would be afraid to comply with his demands, but Victoria knew Jay would never hurt her. She pressed her hands against his solid chest. “I don’t—”

  “You lied to me.” He backed her into the wall in her small foyer. “Now you’re gonna tell me why.”

  Her brain couldn’t process his words when his calloused palms were sliding under her tank top, skimming her warm flesh. “What’re you talking about?” Her eyes drifted closed and she tilted her head back when his thumbs brushed the underside of her breast. She was ready for bed, wearing only a skimpy tank top and drawstring linen capris, which gave him easy access, should he be so inclined. What was she thinking? She couldn’t let this happen.

  She tried reaching for his hands, but he snagged both of her wrists in one of his hands and held her arms above her head as he pressed her body into the wall at her back. “Tell me why you pretended you had somethin’ goin’ with my brother.”

  Damn Mike. He’d outed her. She should have known better than to think he’d be comfortable deceiving his twin forever. To him, it was a game, a way of one-upping his brother, but this was her life. And now she was on her own to try and figure out how to protect herself from falling for a man who epitomized every secret fantasy she’d ever had. “I never said—”

  He cut her off with a kiss, dipping his tongue into her mouth as she whimpered. With her hands pinned above her head, she was helpless against his erotic assault on her senses, not that she would have thought to fight back. Her traitorous body was already betraying her, begging her to surrender to his demands.

  Jay licked the sensitive spot behind her ear and smiled against her neck when she started grinding her hips into him. “I heard him with someone tonight, and it made me crazy, thinking it might be you.”

  In her lust-induced haze, it was impossible to think straight. “You mean… he was…” He traced the shell of her ear with his tongue as thrill bumps chased each other across her skin. “Having sex…”

  He grinned. “Is that an invitation, sweetheart?”

  “No…” Was it? She didn’t know anymore. It had been a few months since she’d shared her bed with anyone and she knew if she invited Jay into her bedroom, she’d never want him to leave.

  He drew her earlobe into his mouth before asking, “You sure?”

  “No…” She shook her head. “Yes… oh… I don’t know anymore.”

  He chuckled. “Let me make it easy for you.” He tipped his head back to look at her and the intensity burning in his bright blue eyes startled her. “I want you. You want me. We both know my brother was never a factor and I couldn’t care less about you workin’ for me. Any more objections?”

  The only reason that mattered almost tumbled from her lips; she couldn’t let him fall in love with her knowing she may eventually have to leave him. She could never have his baby or give him the life he deserved. Instead of saying what she should have said, she let him drag her tank top over her head and bare her skin to the brisk brush of the air conditioning cooling her sensitive breasts.

  “I didn’t think so.”

  She watched him dip his head as he lovingly caressed her with his tongue. There was still time to stop him, before they both passed the point of no return, but the words were lodged in her throat.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “God, I feel like I’ve been waiting for this forever.”

  She knew the feeling. She’d had sex dozens of times over the years, but something about this felt so different. His hands were so big and rough, yet he was gentle as he grazed her skin. “Where’s the bedroom?”

  This was it. Decision time. “Down the hall, first door on the left.” Jay bent down to pick her up and she gasped. “What’re you doing?”

  “What does it look like I’m doing? I don’t want to give you time to change your mind.”

  Was she so transparent or did he know her so well already? “What makes you think I’m going to change my mind?”

  “I can see it in your eyes. You’ve been goin’ back and forth since I got here. Once I get you into bed, you won’t be thinkin’ twice, trust me.”

  That’s what she was afraid of. She knew once he stripped her down, she’d be unable to resist the urge to give him everything he asked for, and then some. She closed her eyes, leaned her head against his shoulder, and decided she’d give herself one night of freedom from her worries. Tonight would be about two people satiating their mutual desire for each other, nothing more. The nagging little voice in her head mocked her, telling her if she was stupid enough to step off the edge of a cliff with him, there’d
be no parachute opening to ensure her soft landing. She’d be falling hard, fast, and may suffer the effects of those wounds for a long, long time.

  She’d never fallen in love before. Never allowed herself to forge that kind of connection with someone, knowing one way or the other it would end in heartbreak. Either he would leave her, the way her parents had, or she would leave him when she got too weak to fight her body’s natural enemy another day.

  He laid her down in the middle of her double bed and peeled her capris off as she tried to distract herself by thinking about logistics. Jay was a big man. A small bed like hers would never accommodate him. “Maybe we should—”

  He pressed his fingertip against her lips. “You’re doin’ it again… tryin’ to talk yourself out of lettin’ me love you. It’s not gonna work, baby.” His eyes traveled the length of her body, saying more with one look than mere words could ever convey. “It’s too late.”

  Victoria tried not to read too much into his statement, but her heart responded to the promise of his love. No one had ever loved her. She’d had a few close friends throughout her life, some friendly acquaintances, but when she felt them getting too close, she’d simply retreat, telling them she was too busy to get together or return their calls. Eventually those relationships died a natural death, and she was free to move on with her life unencumbered by the ties of commitment.

  She knew it was pathetic that she wouldn’t even allow herself the pleasure of strong bonds with other women, but she refused to do what her mother had done to her. She wouldn’t leave a single person in the world to grieve for her when she was gone. Lindsay had already gotten too close, and Jay was moving closer to the danger zone with every kiss and caress.

  Tomorrow, in the bright light of day, she would figure out how to rebuild the protective barrier that had once served her so well. But tonight, under the cloak of darkness, she would let herself pretend they had the rest of their lives to experience satisfaction in each other’s arms.

  She watched him strip his clothes off slowly, never taking his eyes off of her. When he’d stormed into her home, she’d seen a fierce hunger in his eyes, and she assumed this was going to be a quick mating borne of a lust they could no longer control, but what she saw in his eyes now was so much more terrifying.

  No man had ever looked at her that way, or if he had, she’d pretended not to notice. Looking into Jay’s bright blue eyes was like staring into an eclipse. She knew the danger, tried to force herself to look away… to protect herself, but she couldn’t.

  “You can’t escape this, Victoria,” he whispered, crawling on top of her. He braced his forearms on either side of her head. “I won’t let you.”

  She tried to close her eyes, but he was right there, placing feather light kisses over her closed eyelids, forcing her to open her eyes and look at him.

  “I’ve never felt this connection with anyone, and I know you haven’t either.”

  “Please… don’t.” Maybe if they didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t seem so real, so undeniable.

  “It’s not gonna go away, you know it.” He buried his face in the crook of her shoulder, leaving a trail of soft, moist kisses along her shoulder, up her neck. “It’s only gonna get stronger, more intense, every damn day. Until you can’t imagine your life without me, and I refuse to imagine my life without you.” His mouth skimmed her lips. “Just admit it, sweetheart.”

  She knew he was right, but she was terrified to acknowledge it. The outcome he described was her worst fear. Depending on someone, allowing someone to depend on her, knowing she would eventually leave them broken-hearted when she was forced to abandon them… It was too painful to contemplate. “Please…” Her voice broke on a sob. She didn’t even realize she was crying until he started brushing her tears away with his thumbs.

  “Hey, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry,” he whispered.

  “Please… just make me forget.” She reached for him, trying to close the gap between them.

  He pulled back to look her in the eye. “Forget what, baby?”

  She moved her head from side-to-side. There were no words to describe what she was feeling, and she was too tired to try. “I just need you tonight. No more talking… please.”

  He paused, obviously considering her request before his hand started traveling the length of her body, closely followed by his mouth.

  Victoria put her hands above her head, trying to detach her mind from the sensations coursing through her body. She tried to tell herself this was just sex. Just because his hands felt like they were searing her flesh with his brand didn’t mean she belonged to him. It didn’t mean she could never find pleasure with another man because the memory of Jay would always be there between them. It didn’t mean that. It couldn’t.

  As he eased down her body, she couldn’t help but arch into his touch. When he started placing moist kisses along the inside of her thigh, her mind shut down completely.

  Their first kiss, so intimate, almost caused her to come apart in his arms, but when she tried to retreat from the intense pleasure, he was right there, forcing her to face it. Just like she knew he’d be the one forcing her to face her fears every day, if she ever let him into her life. He wouldn’t allow her to postpone doctors’ appointments or pretend the cold that wouldn’t go away was nothing. He would be in her face every day, forcing her to face her fears and fight for her life. It was exhausting just thinking about it.

  Within seconds, she couldn’t think at all. No one had ever loved her so thoroughly, so intensely. It felt as though he was getting pleasure from her pleasure, reveling in the fact he had complete control over her body in that moment.

  She tried to give herself over to it, but it was too much, too intense. “Jay, stop…” She pushed against his shoulders, but he wouldn’t relent. The slow slide of his tongue against the swollen, sensitized bud at the core of her pleasure was his weapon, and she was too weak to fight anymore.

  She tipped her head back and let go in a way she never had before. She gave her body to him, trusting him to take care of her, to catch her when she inevitably fell from the peak he was forcing her to scale. “Oh… yesss….” There were no words to describe the pleasure of feeling so free, of not having to think or feel or worry about tomorrow. In this moment, he forced her to be totally present, and she’d never felt more alive.

  “Just let go for me, baby.”

  His words of encouragement were all it took to send her freefalling. There were bright lights dancing behind her eyelids, a rush of adrenaline coursing through her body. Her head was pounding, her limbs were trembling, and she was laughing and sobbing and coming completely unglued, and it felt so incredible to finally be free to let go.

  “Oh my God,” she whispered.

  He had a self-satisfied smirk on his face before he pulled her into his arms and settled his head on her chest.

  She knew he must be more than ready to claim his own release, but he was obviously willing to put her needs first, and in that moment, she fell just a little deeper. How could she not? “You’re incredible,” she whispered. She hadn’t intended to voice her thoughts, but obviously holding back with him wasn’t an option anymore.

  Jay brushed his lips across her hair. “You don’t know how much I needed this tonight.”

  She ran her hand down his chest, over the ink decorating his huge bicep. He was so strong, so powerful, and for tonight at least she could pretend he was all hers. “Me too.” It was a small concession, but she knew it made him happy when a grin split his handsome face.

  Victoria lived in a duplex on a busy street, between two retail stores, and the glow from the street lights coupled with the traffic should have been distracting. It usually cost her precious sleep, but tucked into the cocoon of his arms, everything else faded to black. The only thing that mattered was him and the way he made her feel.

  “I want you,” she whispered, pressing her lips to his chest. She knew he was waiting out of deference to her, but with the evidence
of his arousal beckoning to her, she couldn’t wait another minute.

  He watched her reach into her nightstand for a condom and his eyes darkened with some unreadable emotion.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked, gripping the plastic packet in her fist.

  “Nothing…” He closed his eyes. “It’s not important.”

  She surprised him by crawling over him and pinning his hands above his head. “Are you gonna tell me now or do I have to force it out of you?”

  Jay laughed. They both knew his years of martial arts training would ensure he had her flat on her back in the time it took her to blink, but he was obviously willing to play along. “What are you gonna do to me if I don’t wanna tell you, darlin’?”

  “Hmmm…” Her eyes skimmed his torso, practically drooling over all the bronze skin pulled taut over well-defined abs. “I’ll bet I can think of something.” She was in her element now. She specialized in fun, playful sex. It was the promise of deep, intense love-making that scared the hell out of her.

  Almost as though he could read her mind, his smile fell and he pinned her with his gaze, refusing to allow her to look away. “You asked me what was wrong. I was thinkin’ about how many lovers have shared this bed with you.”

  She swallowed. Oh, wow. Of all the things she’d expected him to say, that would have rounded off the list. She tried to laugh it off. “I’m not exactly a virgin, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “You haven’t told me about your last boyfriend, your last lover. Who? When? What happened?”

  She let the condom wrapper fall out of her hand as she climbed off of him. “Do we really have to do this right now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “’Cause I don’t wanna end up like him, a distant memory a few months from now. I’m in this for the long haul, Victoria.”

  The long haul. It smacked of forever, a word no man had ever been brave enough to utter to her. Her previous boyfriends, if she could call them that, all knew the score. If they started talking about white picket fences or engagement rings, their season in the sun would be over. Why couldn’t Jay just follow the unspoken rules and respect her boundaries?