Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

  “I don’t want to talk about this.”

  “Too bad, we’re gonna talk about it. I’m not gonna let you hide from this anymore.” His body was partially covering hers, pinning her to the mattress. “I don’t want your body if you’re not willing to let me in, I mean really let me in.”

  Was he actually giving her an ultimatum? Tell him what he wanted to know or his offer of sex was off the table? She wanted to call his bluff, but she was afraid Jay wasn’t the kind of man who made idle threats. “He was a banker. His name was Daniel. We dated for three months.” She hoped rhyming off the facts would be enough to satisfy him, but she should have known he was just getting started.

  “What happened? Why didn’t it work out?”

  Victoria hoped she could deflect the question with playfulness. She ran her hand over his hard pecs. “Like I said, he was a banker… desk job, played squash, drove a Volvo.” She licked her lips. “I like my men a little edgier… motorcycles, tattoos, rippling muscles…”

  She moaned when he kissed her neck. “I like knowing my man could take care of me…” Okay, where the hell had that thought come from? She was a second-degree black belt in karate. She’d worked hard to earn the distinction so she could take care of herself, but she couldn’t deny she got a little thrill knowing her man could take down 99.9% of the population with one hand tied behind his back. No, she had to stop thinking like that! Jay was not her man.

  “Mmm, good to know,” he said, working on the sensitive spot he’d discovered at the base of her collarbone. He alternated nibbles and moist kisses… first one side, then the other, until she was panting, moaning, and writing beneath him.

  “God… Jay… please, you’re killing me here.”

  He grinned as she reached for the condom package she’d dropped earlier. “We can’t have that, can we?” His eyes were dark as she watched him roll the condom over his hard shaft and slide a finger deep inside of her. “We need to have a few ground rules.”

  She groaned in frustration. She didn’t want to comply with his rules; she just wanted him to make love to her, damn it! Correction, they were having sex, not making love. “What kind of rules?”

  “Neither one of us is gonna pretend this is a one-time deal. This is just the beginning, baby. You need to understand that.” He was teasing her with his hard shaft poised at her entrance, promising to give her what she needed, but only if she was willing to give a little in return.

  She knew once would never be enough to satisfy her insatiable hunger for this man. Tomorrow she would have to figure out how she could guard her heart while giving him her body, but that was a problem for another day. “Fine…” She clenched her teeth. “Anything else?”

  “Yeah, you’re mine.”

  Her eyes locked with his and there was no doubt in her mind he was serious. He hadn’t just come here to get into her bed, he came determined to steal her heart. “What are you talking about?” The words were barely more than a whisper because she couldn’t force air past the fear blocking her airway.

  “Your body, your heart, your soul, your secrets, your dreams… are all mine now.”

  She trembled when he finally thrust deep inside of her. She hadn’t agreed to anything, hadn’t complied with his wishes, but her body still demanded she meet him stroke for stroke. “Jay… I…” There were no words to describe how incredible he felt. He filled her in a way no other man ever had. More than just satisfying a longing in her body, something inside of her shifted when they were joined, as though she was making room for him to take up permanent residence in her heart.

  “God, you feel amazing…” He muttered, gripping the headboard as he clenched his teeth. “So damn tight…”

  She knew as a lover Jay could probably outlast most men because of the fierce control he’d developed as a martial artist, but tonight she wanted to watch him lose control in her arms. “Jay, look at me.”

  He opened his eyes and she could see the barely leashed passion consuming him.

  “Don’t hold back.”

  He groaned. “You don’t know what you’re askin’ of me, baby.”

  “Yes, I do. I want you, all of you. You asked me to drop the façade; well, I’m asking you to do the same.”

  He stared at her a long time before he finally grabbed her waist, held her hips firmly in place, and plunged into her so fast, so hard, so deep, so relentlessly, they were clinging to each other, sticky with sweat, and trembling by the time they finally demanded each other’s release.

  Their shared cries of ecstasy echoed in the small room, drowning out the sound of everything outside those four walls.

  “Wow,” she whispered as he rolled off of her and pulled her into his arms. She didn’t like to cuddle after sex. Normally by now she’d be handing the guy his clothes, thanking him for dinner, and planning for the following day. But lying here in Jay’s arms felt so right. She wasn’t thinking about tomorrow, or the repercussions of her reckless actions, or her illness. He made her feel strong, healthy… hell, his strength and determination almost made her feel invincible.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Victoria groaned when the sound of her ringing cell phone pulled her out of Jay’s arms a few hours later. “Hello.”

  “I’m so sorry to wake you, but we’ve got a situation here,” Lindsay said.

  She sat up before pushing her hair out of her eyes. “What is it?”

  “Lena’s back.”

  Lena was a runaway teen who had grown up in the system just like Victoria. A few months ago, she ran off with Victoria’s wallet and a little piece of her heart. “Is she okay?”

  “Physically, yes. Emotionally, she’s a mess.” She sighed. “She’s pregnant, Vic.”

  “No! Damn it, she can’t even take care of herself without having to worry about a baby.”

  “I know. Listen, we’re taking her to the hospital now. She doesn’t look well. She came in malnourished, dehydrated, and I’m willing to bet she hasn’t had any prenatal care.”

  Victoria cursed softly. “How far along is she?”

  “She doesn’t know for sure, and it’s hard to tell, given her condition. I’m guessing five or six months, maybe more.”

  “Does she know who the father is?”

  “Some guy she met on the streets. He left her when he found out.”

  Victoria rolled her eyes. “Of course he did. He was probably just a kid himself.” It broke her heart to think of another baby coming in to the world without a home or loving parents to care for them.

  “Um…” She glanced at Jay, who was sitting up, scanning the messages on his phone, obviously trying hard not to eavesdrop on her private conversation. “It’s the opening of Jay’s karate studio today; he needs me.” She hadn’t intended it to come out quite that way, but his smile made her glad it had.

  “Hey,” he whispered, “if you have something to take care of, we can meet up later. I’ve got the rest of the staff there to help me.”

  “Oh my God,” Lindsay squealed. “Is he there with you?”

  Victoria blushed. She probably would have told her friend about their relationship eventually, but now was definitely not the time to get into it. “Listen, I’ll meet you at the hospital in a bit. I need to see Lena to make sure she’s okay.” She had a rule about getting too involved with the women and children who passed through their shelter, but something about Lena reminded her so much of herself at that age it made it nearly impossible for Victoria not to befriend her.

  “She’s worried you’re mad at her, given the way she left.”

  “Just tell her I’m not. I’m glad she came back.”

  “Will do. See you soon. Oh, and, Vic, don’t think I’m gonna let you get out of telling me what’s going on with your sexy new boss.”

  Victoria chuckled as she hung up the phone. “Sorry,” she said, turning to Jay.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  She knew he must have a lot on his mind today, but he still cared enough to make sure
she was okay. It shouldn’t surprise her. He was the same guy who dropped everything to follow her to the doctor’s office, but having someone looking out for her was still a foreign concept, one she didn’t think she could ever get used to. “We have a confidentiality thing at the shelter. I can’t really talk about it. Sorry.” For once, she was sorry she couldn’t tell him everything. It had always been a reasonable excuse whenever the man she’d been dating tried to understand her commitment to the shelter, but with Jay it was different. She found herself wanting to open up to him.

  “No problem, I understand.” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead before getting out of bed and reaching for the clothes he’d tossed on the floor last night. “Listen, don’t worry about things at the studio. I’ve got it covered.”

  She loved that about him. He was so generous, so compassionate. He didn’t know Lena or her story, but he knew she was in trouble, and he was willing to put his own needs aside so Victoria could help her. “Thanks.” She wanted to say more, to tell him what an incredible man he was, that last night had changed her life, but instead she just got up and reached for the white terry robe hanging on the back of her door. “I guess I should get in the shower.”

  “Yeah, I gotta go home and get ready, too. Hey, how about dinner tonight?”

  She knew he was expecting their night together to evolve into a normal relationship with dinner, drinks, movies, and sex, lots and lots of sex. He probably expected her to spend the night at his place tonight, but she knew she couldn’t. One night would lead to another and before she knew it, she’d be leaving a toothbrush in his bathroom, and he’d be clearing out a drawer so she could keep a change of clothes at his place.

  “Can I let you know later? I’m not sure how things are gonna go at the hospital. It may take a while.” She slipped into her robe, trying to ignore the fact his eyes were tracking her every move.

  “Sure, no worries.”

  If only he wasn’t so damn understanding. Why couldn’t there be a single thing she didn’t like about this man? “I’ll call you later. I’ll really try to make it into the studio. I hate to leave you in the lurch like this.”

  He grinned. “Vic, this is the fourth time I’ve done this. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

  “Okay, well thanks.”

  She knew she should reach out to him, hug or kiss him, acknowledge the physical connection they’d forged last night in some small way, but she was feeling so confused and vulnerable. She didn’t trust herself not to haul him back to bed and beg him to make love to her so she could shut the rest of the world out just a little while longer.

  The phone call about Lena took her back to a place she’d rather not go, when she’d been that scared little girl with nowhere to run.

  Victoria entered Lena’s hospital room trying to prepare herself for the memories she knew would come flooding back. She hadn’t been back to the hospital since her last treatment, and seeing someone she cared about looking so pale and sickly in a hospital bed just reminded her of all the friends she’d lost. She knew Lena’s life wasn’t in jeopardy, but she couldn’t say the same for the little baby growing inside of her.

  “Hi,” she whispered when Lena opened her eyes to look at her. “You mind if I come in?”

  “No.” She tried to sit up.

  “It’s okay, just relax.”

  Victoria pulled a chair up to the side of the bed and took Lena’s hand. It was small, cold, and the bones were protruding through a thin layer of skin. It reminded her of her own hands when she’d been so sick she almost let go, but she had to offer Lena her support the only way she knew how, so she held on tight, hoping the young girl could feel the depth of her concern in her gentle touch.

  “I’m sorry about…”

  “It’s okay, don’t worry about anything right now.” Victoria could see the shame in her big, dark, expressive eyes, and she knew Lena hadn’t intended to betray her. She was just trying to survive the only way she knew how, and in their world, you often had to beg, borrow, or steal just to live another day. “You just need to focus on getting better now.”

  She squeezed Victoria’s hand. “What am I gonna do? I’m only fifteen… a high school dropout… How the hell am I gonna raise a kid?”

  Victoria had never been in the position of having to worry about anyone but herself, but she could imagine the fear Lena must be feeling now. “If you don’t think you can handle it—”

  She pulled her hand from Victoria’s and crossed her arms over her chest. “I won’t put my kid into the system. I won’t do it. I don’t care what anyone says.”

  The thought of willingly putting another innocent baby into a system that dangled the promise of happily ever after, but rarely delivered broke Victoria’s heart, but she couldn’t offer another solution.

  Lena knew the system as well as Victoria did. Her father left Lena and her mother when she was only a baby, and her mother got hooked on crack, leaving her only daughter alone to fend for herself. When a neighbor called CPS to report the situation, she was taken out of the home and placed in foster care.

  Victoria knew Lena spent the first few years hoping her mother would get clean and come back for her. When it failed to happen, Lena fell in with the wrong crowd and started drinking, which led to drugs and skipping school. It was a downward spiral, and Victoria tried everything to pull her out of it, but she was already too far gone to listen to reason.

  “You know I wouldn’t ask you to make that choice, but if you can’t care for the baby, maybe we could arrange for a private adoption. We could find a nice family who can’t have a family of their own.”

  Lena looked horrified. “You want me to give my baby away to strangers? How is that better than putting her into the goddamn system?”

  “Honey, it’s not the same at all. You could screen the parents, interview them and visit their home…”

  She shook her head, looking every bit the defiant teenager she was. “No way. Not gonna happen. I’m not givin’ my baby away to strangers.”

  Victoria sighed. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to get through to Lena when she was so emotional. “Listen, why don’t you rest for a bit, okay?” She stood up, but Lena clung to her hand, refusing to let her go.

  “You’re not gonna leave me, are you?”

  “No, honey, I’m not going to leave you.” She smiled as she brushed the stringy black hair off the teen’s forehead. “I’ll be right outside. You just rest, okay?”

  “Victoria, wait.” She chewed on her bottom lip as she looked at their joined hands. “Will you come in when they do the ultrasound? I’m scared.”

  She leaned over and brushed a kiss across her forehead. “Of course.” No matter how hard she tried to keep her out, this little goth princess managed to worm her way into her heart every time.

  Jay tried to keep his distance, to focus on the buzz of excitement at his studio. He had some of the most famous and well-respected martial artists in the world there to demonstrate for a room filled with eager people, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Victoria.

  He knew she wouldn’t appreciate his interference, but by the time late afternoon rolled around and he still hadn’t heard from her, he couldn’t sit still another second without finding out what was going on.

  Trying to control his anxiety, he walked up to the main reception desk at the hospital and asked for Victoria. Since he didn’t know her friend’s name or the reason for her visit, he couldn’t ask for her. When the nurse said she couldn’t help him, he was turning to leave when a pretty brunette approached him with a wary smile.

  “Excuse me. Did I hear you say you were looking for Victoria Pierce?”

  “Yeah, you know where she is?”

  She pointed to a closed hospital door. “She’s in there with Lena. She should be out in a bit if you want to sit and wait with me?”

  “Sure, thanks.”

  “I’m Lindsay, by the way.” She extended her hand and smiled. “Victoria and I ar
e volunteer crisis counselors at the shelter.”

  He shook her hand and returned her smile. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m—”

  “Jay Cooper, I know. I saw your picture in a mixed martial arts magazine Victoria was reading at work.” She pointed to a row of empty chairs. “Come, let’s sit down.”

  Lindsay’s relaxed and friendly demeanor helped to put Jay at ease. If there was a problem, she would seem as anxious as he felt. “I know you can’t talk about the specifics of your friend’s case, but she’s gonna be okay, isn’t she?”

  They both sat down and Lindsay smiled. “I think it’ll be a while before she feels fine, but at least she’s in good hands now.”

  “Sounds like she and Victoria have a pretty special connection.” After last night, he’d hoped to be able to say the same, but he’d texted and called to check on her several times throughout the day and she apparently didn’t think she owed him the consideration of responding, so he still had no idea where he stood with her.

  Lindsay sat back and shifted in the seat so she was facing him. “It’s tough for Victoria to get close to people, given her upbringing, and then the cancer…”

  Cancer. The word hit him like an avalanche. Victoria had cancer? He thought back to her doctor’s appointment the other day. Oh God. He felt sick.

  Lindsay touched his forearm. “Oh no, you didn’t know, did you? I just assumed… I mean, Victoria told me you went to the doctor with her the other day.”

  He leaned forward and dropped his head into his hands. This could not be happening. The first woman he’d allowed himself to fall for in years, and he could lose her to some insidious disease that was beyond either of their control. “How bad is it?” His voice was barely above a whisper when he finally found the words to voice the question.

  Lindsay frowned. “How bad is what?”

  Jay tried to hold his temper, but it wasn’t easy. He needed answers. Now. “The cancer. What type, stage… Damn it, Lindsay, I need details.”