The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Despite his condition, my response was a swift smack upside the head.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It took a few minutes, but eventually the three of us made it back to our feet. Things were still shaky, but we'd live. While we were doing so, I explained to my bruised and battered companions the sacrifice Sally had made.

  “I can’t believe it,” said Tom. “After all that, she came through for us in the end.”

  Ed nodded. “I'm sorry I doubted her.”

  “Me, too,” I replied.

  “Hey!” exclaimed Tom, a worried look appearing on his face as he turned to me. “Are you sure Jeff is dead?”

  “Well, it sure sounded like it.”

  “But you didn't see it.”

  “No,” I admitted. “But you guys have seen what the sun does to vamps. No way did he walk away from that.”

  “We should go check,” Ed said. I started to open my mouth, but he cut me off. “Tom and me, I meant. No offense, but out in the sun, you're tits on a bull.”

  “None taken.”

  “Stand back. If he is out there, I want to make sure he can't jump us,” Ed continued. “Also, no point in you getting fricasseed in the process.” He walked over to the main loading dock and pushed a button on the wall. The warehouse still had power, and the motors for the garage doors came to life with a groan. Three large bay doors opened, letting in the daylight beyond. Fortunately, the sun was now too high to shine directly in, but it gave us a good view of the parking lot.

  “There!” Tom pointed.

  I walked as close to the exit as I dared and followed his outstretched hand. Sure enough, amidst a clutter of upturned trashcans, there was a good-sized pile of dust on the ground. I recognized a half-burnt shoe sticking out of it as one that Jeff had been wearing.

  “That's him,” I confirmed. “The asshole is toast.”

  “I hope he's getting ass-raped by Satan as we speak,” said Tom.

  “At the very least.”

  I started to turn away from the opening when I heard a low mumble. “What was that?”

  “Huh?” asked Tom.

  “I didn't say anything,” Ed replied.

  “Must have been my imagination. Mind's playing tricks...”

  That’s when I heard it again. “What the hell? Didn't you guys hear that?”

  They were both in the middle of shaking their heads when there came a muffled thump from outside.

  “Now that, I heard,” Ed replied.

  “Me too,” confirmed Tom.

  “Guess we should check it out.”

  “First things first.” I walked over to retrieve the shotgun from where Jeff had flung it.

  Only once my friends were duly rearmed did I let them venture out to investigate. I kept watch, close enough to the doors to see any ambush but not so close as to get deep-fried.

  My roommates went out to check on things. It didn't take long to home in on the sounds as the muffled thuds started coming with increased frequency. The source turned out to be an upside down trashcan close to Jeff's remains. Ed backed up a step and pointed the gun at the can. He nodded to Tom, who slowly started to lift it.

  He had gotten it up about six inches when someone screamed from within, “Are you fucking stupid?!” The can was pulled back down to the ground from the inside. Holy shit! That was Sally's voice. No mistaking her pissy tone.

  Tom and Ed exchanged surprised glances and then turned toward me. Thinking fast, I yelled back, “Give me a second, guys.” I raced into the main section of the warehouse. It took a few minutes of sifting through the place, but at last, I found something that might work. I bundled it up and ran back to the opening.

  I balled up the old painter’s tarp I had found off in a corner and tossed it out the door to Tom. “Use this.”

  He caught it and nodded while Ed set aside the gun. Together they managed to get the garbage can off of Sally and bundle her under the tarp before the sunlight could do its job. They started to lead her back to the relative safety of the warehouse, but she stopped them near the pile that had been Jeff. I saw her hand reach from under the tarp and sift through the ashes. She grabbed something from them and then let my roommates finish escorting her back inside where she discarded the tarp to the floor. She was a little singed around the edges and some smoke was still coming off her shoulders, but she was otherwise alive.

  “Thanks. It was starting to get a little stuffy in there,” she said.

  “How the hell did you manage to pull that one off?” Ed asked.

  “With neither finesse nor time to spare.” She indicated a few burns on her hands and arms.

  “What's with the souvenirs?” Tom asked, gesturing to whatever she’d palmed.

  “Just a few things we're going to need for later.”

  “Fine,” I said. “But seriously, what happened back there with you and Jeff?”

  “Besides me saving your asses and, thus, the day?” she intoned, her attitude apparently suffering no ill effects from the battle. I nodded, and she continued. “Whatever you did to Jeff near the end there weakened his ability to control me.” She smiled. “Besides, he also failed to specify exactly which asshole I should kill.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The danger over, we decided it was safe to split up. My roommates left the remaining weapons in our care, making me promise to return the gun and the steak knives (neither shotguns nor good kitchen cutlery were cheap, y'know). They’d both had enough of the vampire world for one day and decided to head home via the topside.

  “Maybe with a quick pit stop at the hospital,” Ed commented.

  “What are you going to tell them happened?”

  He smiled and pointed to the elbow pads he and Tom still wore. “Damn skateboards. Those things'll kill ya.”

  After they had departed, I followed Sally to the warehouse's sewer entrance. It would keep us out of the sun and lead us back to one of the coven's other locations where we could presumably get cleaned up and grab some blood. We opened the grate leading downward. I had started to descend when Sally said, “Wait a minute,” and disappeared back into the warehouse. She returned a few moments later. “Sorry. Forgot to shut off the lights,” was the only explanation she gave.

  As we walked down the dark tunnel together, I asked her, “So, what now?”

  “You get to live. That's what.”

  “Are you so sure?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “Isn't the rest of the coven going to be kind of pissed over what we did to Jeff?”

  “Oh, that?” she said dismissively. “It doesn't really matter how pissed they are. Coven rules are pretty specific about this sort of thing.”

  “What sort of thing?”

  “Combat. One vampire can challenge another to a duel. If that happens, the outcome is considered to be between them and them alone.”

  “Okay,” I pointed out, “but Jeff was the coven leader.”

  “Yes, and in that, the rules are even more specific.”

  “How so?” I asked, trekking through the damp, smelly tunnel.

  “If a coven master is challenged and defeated in fair combat, then whoever is the vanquisher becomes the new leader.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks. “So that means you're...”

  “In charge? El presidente? Número uno?” she playfully replied. “Yep. I guess it does.”

  I chuckled and started walking again. “Should I bow before you, my queen?”

  “I will definitely consider that,” she said, deadpan.

  “You know, little details like that might have been nice to know upfront.”

  “You seemed stressed enough as it was. I didn't want to give you anything else to worry about. Some guys can't perform under pressure.” She said that last part with a wink.

  We walked for a few more moments in the tight confines, and then a thought struck me. “Wait a moment. You said fair combat, right?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “So, four against one
might not exactly be considered fair.”

  “Not true,” she pointed out. “Funny thing about us vampires – we have a very liberal view on the definition of fair.”

  And, Of Course, There's an Epilogue

  Two days later, Sally and I were back at the loft. The entirety of the coven had been summoned. It was time to break the news and see how they took it. We had spent the past few days resting and gathering our strength back at her suggestion. She said that things like this usually went fine, but if we showed up looking worse for the wear, it could be construed as a sign of weakness. A few days off was fine with me, as I needed some time to decompress and tidy up some loose ends.

  Tom and Ed had both spent a night in the hospital for observation. They were going to be sore for quite some time, but, at the end of the day, nothing would be permanent, except that maybe Ed's nose would probably be a little crooked going forward. They took it in good stride. After all, how many people can have a showdown with a master vampire and live to brag about it?

  And brag we did. Every time we recounted the story to each other, the exploits of our victory got a little larger. Within a few months, we'd all be convinced that we had waltzed in, kicked Jeff's ass without breaking a sweat, and then sauntered out to grab a celebratory beer.

  The cops had investigated our break-in, declaring it drug related. The damage to both the front door and Mrs. Caven's apartment (in addition to ours) had necessitated bringing the authorities in. That was okay. Besides, the police report would help us with the subsequent insurance claim. Mrs. Caven's disappearance could have been messy, but Sally assured me that the coven's connections would make sure it was quickly swept aside as just another unsolved crime. That she appeared not to have any close relatives to stir things up would help in those regards.

  Which brings us, once again, back to the loft. Sally and I stood together as the last of the coven arrived. Damn if it didn't look like the cast party from a perfume commercial. Following my ordeal, I may have had a new respect for the vampire lifestyle, but that didn't mean I had lost my appreciation for the sweet pieces of female flesh before me. Without Jeff there to fray my nerves, I could finally enjoy the scenery.

  “Ye who are gathered, attend my words, please,” Sally said to the group as a whole. Apparently, there were official words that needed to be spoken during these things. She had prepared me in advance for this lest I start making smartass remarks during the middle of things, which, of course, I still left open as an option. The coven stopped their small talk and turned their attention toward her.

  “It is with a heavy heart that I inform you, the gathered, that the time of passing is upon us,” she continued. “Night Razor is no more.”

  Almost at once, questioning voices could be heard amongst the group, some of it none-too-friendly sounding. Finally, one of the coven spoke up. It was the smug dickhead I had managed to stare down a few weeks back, Dusk Reaper.

  “You lie!” he barked. “Night Razor is eternal. All glory to Night Razor!” A few of the male vamps echoed his all glory crap. Jeez! The first thing Sally needed to change in this place was the freaking fraternity mindset.

  Sally, for her part, kept her cool, but she also dropped the formalities. “Eternal?” she questioned. “Does this look like eternal to you?” She pulled something out of her pocket and tossed them onto the floor in front of her. I leaned down to get a better look. There were two of them – white, long, thin, and sharp. They looked like fangs.

  “Are those...” I started to ask, but she cut me off with a single word.

  “Yep.”

  Damn. I guess that's what she’d fished out of Jeff's ashes two days ago. A little morbid, if you ask me, kind of like going through a dead guy's pockets for spare change.

  All of the gathered vampires, in turn, walked up to view the oversized canines. Whether it was to confirm Jeff's unfortunate passing or to pay their respects, I wasn't sure. As long as there wasn't a mass scream of “Get them!” followed by the crowd rushing me and Sally, I didn't really care, either.

  “How did this happen?” spat Dusk Reaper again. He had either been asshole buddies with Jeff or had elected himself chief brown-noser. “If it was treachery, he shall be avenged.” Again, a few of the male voices chimed in with him. Goddamn, he was starting to get on my nerves.

  “There was no treachery,” Sally calmly replied. “Night Razor fell in fair combat.”

  “Fair combat? I doubt that. Who could beat Night Razor?” asked the little ass-kissing prick.

  “I think you already know.” She locked eyes with him. This was it. Now we got to see if she had the stuff to hold this crew together. I was standing by to back her up, just in case.

  “The Freewill has slain Night Razor in fair combat!” Sally shouted to the crowd.

  What the fuck? I opened my mouth to say something, but she kept talking right over me.

  “As per our customs, whoever shall slay the coven master fairly shall become the new master. I say, I did see the Freewill slay Night Razor in such combat. Our former master fought valiantly, but he fell nevertheless. It was a good death.”

  Heh! Seemed vampires had a liberal view on the definition of good deaths, too.

  More hushed conversation burst out. I swear it was like being back in high school.

  Once again, though, Sally spoke over the crowd, “As is also our custom, should anyone wish to challenge the legitimacy of our new leader, they may do so. A duel to the death will then ensue.” She turned to the dickhead who kept speaking out of turn. “Dusk Reaper, you have been the most vocal amongst us. Do you care to raise a challenge? It is your right ... if you feel you can beat him.”

  Holy shit! She had set him up. Worst of all for him, he knew it. He glanced over in my direction and I made it a point to give him a hard stare in return. This pissing match had already been decided, though. He quickly looked away.

  “No. I will not challenge our new ... master,” replied Dusk Reaper, eyes downcast. He then turned to the rest of the crowd and roared, “All glory to Dr. Death!” Yep, I was right. He was a grade-A suck-up.

  There was a moment’s hesitation from the coven as a whole during which I was sure someone, or someones, would call me out. I knew how vampires defined fair combat, and I wouldn't have been surprised to find myself challenged to a duel involving me against every one of the muscle heads here. Fortunately, to both my surprise and immense relief, the crowd slowly started to join in.

  “All glory to Dr. Death.” It was soft at first, but then it gradually got louder.

  Before it could get to ear splitting levels, though, a thought occurred to me. “No,” I said, holding up my hand. The coven immediately fell silent. Even Sally turned to me with a quizzical look in her eye.

  “A new era begins today, and an old one ends,” I said, trying to keep any wavering from my voice. If this went on, I might have to consider taking a public speaking class. “As such, so too must the ways of old end. I thus abolish the dictate that we all take new identities within the coven. From now on, you shall be known by whatever name you wish to be known as. My name is ... Bill.”

  Fuck! Chalk another one up in the ever-growing list of things that sounded a lot cooler in my mind.

  However, despite the lameness of my decree, once again the chant started up. This time it was, “All glory to Bill!”