The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  More bone-chilling screams filled the night, but this time they were finally met with battle cries. From the sound of things, the vamps were attempting a counterattack. Yay for us. Go team vampire!

  I had thought James would be heading toward them – after all, strength in numbers, especially when those numbers included centuries of ass-kicking battle prowess. Thus I was surprised when he started leading me away from the sounds of battle.

  “We’re not gonna help them?”

  “That was almost a full minute of silence. A new record for you, no doubt,” James hissed. “And to answer your question, no.”

  “But don’t they need us?”

  “No, they do not need us.” He moved to the edge of a tent and looked around. The coast was apparently clear, as he gestured for me to follow.

  “But we could help,” I whispered back.

  “Don’t flatter yourself. I could help. You, on the other hand, would quickly get yourself killed.”

  I would have felt insulted if he hadn’t probably been right. I wasn’t exactly born and bred to battle and, considering that my intelligence on the enemy consisted of the words big and scary, there was some sound logic behind James’s insult.

  “But what about the Khan? What about Gan?” I nevertheless protested.

  “Don’t worry about them. The Khan is far more formidable than he may appear.”

  “But Gan’s just a kid.”

  “Yes,” he replied, continuing to lead us toward the edge of the encampment. “A kid with ten times your life experience. Trust me. They can both take care of themselves.”

  We reached the edge of the camp. The smoke had dissipated out there and open desert stared back at us.

  James turned back to me. “Can you move at top speed?”

  My chest had come a long ways toward healing itself in the past few minutes. Even if I couldn’t do my best, I could probably fake it pretty well. I nodded back.

  “Good. From here, we move fast. In a flat out foot race, they won’t be able to catch us.”

  I had just started to open my mouth to ask who wouldn’t be able to catch us, but I stopped when I noticed that James was already a dozen yards ahead of me.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  When we had covered about two-thirds of the distance back to the original camp, James finally slowed down. We were probably out of danger by then and, even if we weren’t, we’d be able to see anything coming long before it got to us.

  “What the hell was that all about back there?” I finally got a chance to ask him.

  “Offhand, I’d say that was a surprise attack.”

  Suddenly, an ugly thought occurred to me. “It didn’t seem like much of a surprise to you,” I said and immediately regretted it.

  James stopped and turned back toward me. The look on his face was so intense that I actually backed up a step (maybe two). “I’m sure I didn’t hear that correctly,” he replied in an emotionless tone, “because that sounded vaguely like an accusation.”

  God, I was an idiot. I’d done the same thing that would normally make me scream at the TV when the morons on some show did it. How many scenes had I watched where some plucky young woman confronted her boss alone in his office about the corruption she’d uncovered at his hands? That almost always ended badly for the would-be heroine. Yet here I was, despite knowing better, putting my plucky young ass on the line with nary any backup in sight, against a vampire I stood absolutely zero chance against. It would serve me right to get ashed.

  Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound. “Funny how you told me we needed to get moving right before we got attacked. Or does that not sound a little suspicious to you?”

  I had said my piece. It was time to die, I guess. I tensed for whatever beating James was about to lay on me.

  Instead, he chuckled. “That?” He laughed again. “Unlucky coincidence is all.”

  “But you...”

  “I was trying to get us out of there due to the little argument going on between Gan and her father, in case you didn’t notice,” he said with a grin.

  “What, did they have more stupid tests for me?”

  “You could say that.” He seemed to think about it for a moment. “It’s not important. I doubt you’ll be seeing either of them again for a long time. Suffice to say, things were about to get awkward, and I decided it was in your best interest to leave.”

  We started walking again. However, I still wasn’t convinced. “Well then, explain why we didn’t stay and help them back there. I mean, maybe I’m not the best guy to have someone’s back in a fight, but you could have definitely helped.”

  “I am helping,” he answered as we continued on our way.

  “By running off?”

  “By saving your ass,” he snapped, the edge creeping back into his voice.

  “I don’t underst...”

  “You really can be dense sometimes, you know. Even for a child, you are sometimes unbelievably thick,” James said with a sigh. “You know that Freewills are rare. I told you as much myself. But did you hear those people back there? To them, you are a legend. In the States, this might make for an amusing comic book story. However, out here, they pay a great deal of respect to things like that.”

  “Okay, I guess I follow you.”

  “Do you?” he asked. “Do you really? To allow you to be killed before reaching your full potential ... and no, I have no idea what that might be. Well, that would be simply intolerable to them. Your mere presence gives them hope. Don’t get me wrong. If they spent enough time with you, I’m sure that hope would evaporate like rain in the desert.” Yep, could always count on James to make a guy feel good about himself. “However, for right now, it’s in our best interest for you to keep living.”

  “Our best interest?”

  “Most definitely. I will admit to a certain selfishness with regards to my own well-being. You see, you’re under my charge. If you die here, then it would be my fault.”

  “And your ass would be on the line?”

  “Exactly,” he remarked. “Perhaps you’re not entirely as dense as I thought.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We arrived back at our camp a short while later. All appeared to be in order. It was quiet, but we could clearly see the guards and a few others walking around, attending to their duties. The truck that would take me back to the airport was also there waiting for us. I could see the driver lounging by the cab, looking bored.

  “Thank goodness,” said James with an audible sigh of relief. “I couldn’t be sure until I saw it. The Alma have never been this bold before. To attack the Khan directly was an outright declaration of war.”

  “Who?”

  “Never you mind. Ignorance is bliss. All you need care about is that New York City is not within their territory for now, so you needn’t concern yourself.”

  “Not gonna tell me, huh?” I grumbled, probably sounding like a pouty teenager. “Wait, what do you mean for now?”

  “Enough. You know far more about the First Coven’s business already than is good for you. You’re not even a year old, for midnight’s sake.” Yeah, definitely feeling a wee bit insulted now. “Go back to your coven. I’m sure there’s plenty there to concern yourself with.”

  I thought back to Sally, dull anger once again filling me. There was definitely enough waiting for me back home to concern myself with. “Oh yeah, speaking of concerns,” I replied, suddenly reminded of the whole point for this trip, “what was it you wanted to talk to me about anyway?”

  James stopped walking, and a look of confusion crossed his face. “That’s funny. Now that you mention it, for the life of me I can’t remember.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We reached the supply tent and entered it. James told me that the truck driver was a human, thus it was probably best to package me up out of his sight. I guess some people could get a little weird if they knew their cargo was a box full of grumpy vampire.

  My bags were all packed and already loaded into the crate.
Sure enough, James’s word was good, and there were a few rugs inside to pad things out a bit. It wasn’t exactly a luxury suite at the Hilton, but it would probably be at least marginally more comfortable for the return trip.

  Oh crap! Speaking of which, I had never recharged my iPod. Damn! Well okay, I hadn’t exactly seen a lot of outlets during my adventures in Bedouin land. Guess I’d be alone with my thoughts. Fortunately, I had my memories of the day before ... more specifically, naked sweaty memories of the day before. And if those didn’t get me all the way back to New York, well, then sorry, Sally, but it’d be back to the wood chipper for you.

  I sighed and started to climb in. “Not looking forward to doing this again,” I admitted to James.

  “A necessary evil for now, I’m afraid. However, I did bring something that should make the trip more palatable. Here.” He pulled a small vial out of his pocket and handed it to me.

  “What is it?”

  “You know how some people are afraid to fly and they take a tranquilizer beforehand to calm themselves down?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Well, this is kind of like that.”

  Oh. Okay. A little something to take the edge off might be just what the doctor ordered. I uncorked it and swallowed the contents, wincing as it went down. The taste wasn’t great, but it was vaguely reminiscent.

  One summer, down at Tom’s house, we’d gotten shitfaced on Jagermeister and Rumplemintz ... or as they’re collectively known when you mixed them together, Screaming Nazis. It’s a vile concoction, but damn if it didn’t get the job done. This tasted a bit like that, albeit in a slightly more viscous sort of way.

  Wow! This shit was more potent, too. Within ten seconds of quaffing it, the room started spinning around me. Within another few moments, I could no longer even stand. I flopped unceremoniously onto the bottom of the packing crate, but managed to turn over and blearily look up at James’s face. “What the hell was that?” I slurred.

  “It’s a poison refined from the venom of the Mongolian death worm,” he said matter of factly. “It should keep you out for the majority of the trip. Enjoy your nap.” With that said, he placed the lid back onto my crate and I was again sealed into the darkness.

  Mongolian death worm, eh? Yeah, I guess that makes perfect sense, I thought as I plunged into a much deeper darkness.

  Green with Envy

  Whoa! I needed to make it a point to get some of that stuff for my next party. I spent what felt like maybe five minutes inside of the most freaky-ass, psychedelic hallucination I’d ever experienced before I was jolted awake by the feeling of my crate being moved. I assumed that I was probably still in China, maybe being loaded onto a cargo plane back to the States. However, a short while later the crate lid was pried off. I found myself staring up at the faces of a couple zombies, as well as the vampire shipping clerk who had originally packed me. Yeah, definitely have to get some more of that stuff.

  “Welcome back. Do you have anything to declare?” the clerk asked with a grin.

  “I declare that’s the last time I fly with air-vampire,” I replied, taking his outstretched hand and pulling myself to my feet. I was still a bit shaky from James’s Mongolian death cocktail, but damn if it hadn’t done the trick. Fastest flight halfway around the world I’d ever experienced.

  The zombies carried my bags to the door of the terminal. I followed and was let back outside to the gloriousness that is nighttime at LaGuardia. From the look of things, it wasn’t particularly late. I turned toward the other vamp. “So how do I get back?”

  “There are these marvelous inventions called cabs. Have fun using them,” he replied with a smirk. “Thanks for flying with us. Buh bye!” With that, the terminal door shut and locked from the inside. Fucker! Some days, I really hated other vampires.

  I felt bad about bugging Ed for a ride back, so I figured I’d call Sally and see if she could find it in her non-beating heart to send a car to pick me up. I was still gonna kill her, but I might kill her less severely if she could arrange for a quick pick up for me. Sadly, I pulled out my cell phone and found it to be even deader than I was. Oh yeah, hadn’t had a chance to recharge that either. Oh well, guess it was time for a hike.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Fortunately, for all the indignities modern day airports could inflict upon us, a shortage of cabs wasn’t one of them. I walked to the nearest living terminal, my baggage not really slowing my vampire self down at all, thank God, and was quickly able to flag a ride.

  The trip from the airport wasn’t too painful. Traffic was lighter than it had been when I first arrived. Sure, my Indian-accented chauffeur took a few unnecessary turns to jack up the fare, but it was still better than being crammed into Ed’s junker. All in all, it was the least eventful thing I had done in several days. For that alone, I figured the cabbie had earned a decent tip.

  We made it back to my place and, after sending the driver on his way, I grabbed my bags to walk up to the apartment I shared with my two friends. I let myself in and noticed the place was dark. My roommates were out. Odd. Or maybe not, as I realized I had no idea what day of the week it was. I had lost at least three or four days from my adventure in total and, taking into account the time difference with China ... well, I’d be fucked if I had any idea.

  Screw it. I could always check the calendar later. Right then, I needed to unpack, plug in my rechargeables, and take myself a nice long, shower to wash the smell of horses, rocks, and Bang off me. So, that is what I did.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I’d just gotten dressed and was walking into the kitchen to grab myself a nice glass of blood when I heard the apartment door being unlocked. Cool. One of my bros was home. I was all prepared to give them a disgustingly pornographic retelling of my little Asian adventure.

  The door opened, and Ed walked in. I was just opening my mouth to say hi when Sally came strolling in behind him. He turned and saw me, but my gaze was locked onto her. A moment later she, too, realized I was in the apartment and our eyes met. A look of surprise on her face, a slowly spreading snarl on mine.

  “You...”

  “Hey, Bill,” Ed greeted me. “Home already?”

  “...bitch!” I finished, ignoring him. I grabbed the nearest blunt object, our toaster, and trudged into the living room.

  She started to back away. “What’s up, boss?” she asked with a shaky little smile.

  “Come over here so I can brain you,” I growled, lifting the toaster and going after her.

  She ducked out of my reach and ran to the far side of the couch. “I can see you’re a little miffed.”

  “A little?! You shipped me to fucking China like I was a piece of furniture!”

  “James wanted to talk to you,” she said, continuing to evade me.

  “On the phone!”

  “Oh, that. Yeah, I might have forgotten that detail.”

  “I’m forgetting little details, too,” I said, again trying to cut her off, “like why I keep letting you live.”

  “Taking this a little hard, aren’t we?” she asked, once more sliding out of my reach ... nimble little minx that she was.