The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)
Page 40
“I was stuck in a packing crate for two days! Maybe I should do the same thing to you and see how you like it.”
“Sorry. You said you wanted a vacation. I was just trying to give you one.”
I stopped my pursuit of her and stood there, fuming. “A vacation...” I started to say, and then something in my brain clicked. I took a deep breath to assess the situation.
Ed, apparently sensing we were having a moment, had wisely retreated to our kitchen nook to see how things played out. I suddenly realized that he was dressed fairly nice: button-down shirt, slacks, and his good shoes.
I turned to Sally and registered that she was wearing a tight maroon cocktail dress. I looked back and forth between them for a few seconds, letting it all sink in, and I was only brought back to reality by a small crash. It was the toaster in my hands hitting the floor.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
“Oh, this?” asked Ed, sounding guilty. “I was gonna mention it.”
“Mention what?” I inquired, a bit of attitude working its way into my voice.
“Oh Christ!” exclaimed Sally with an eye-roll. “We went out on a date. There, happy?”
A date? My roommate, friend, and colleague had just gone out with my coven-mate and psycho, hell-beast bitch of a partner. When the fuck did I leave reality and wind up in Bizarro universe?
I turned to Sally. “I thought you hated my roommates.”
“Hate is such a strong word.” She shrugged. “Although that other friend of yours kind of creeps me out a bit.”
“And I thought that you,” I said, turning to Ed, “were terrified of her.”
“Oh, I am. No doubt about that.”
Sally shot him a playful little grin. “What can I say?” she chimed back in. “I like a little honesty in a man.”
“This is so not happening,” I muttered, sinking down onto the couch.
“Relax, man. It was just a little dinner and a few drinks,” replied Ed in a conciliatory tone.
“Relax? Relax?!” I growled, getting back to my feet. “I have a whole shitload of reasons why I won’t be relaxing anytime soon.”
“Okay, calm down,” he said and then turned to Sally. “I’m thinking maybe we’ll ixnay that cup of coffee.”
“No problem. I’ll take a rain check.” A rain check?!
I stood up to get a pair of shoes, calling back to her, “I’ll walk you to the train. We’re not finished yet.”
♦ ♦ ♦
“You’re almost cute when you’re jealous,” Sally purred once we stepped out onto the street.
“I am not jealous.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“Besides,” I continued, “I seem to recall giving clear instructions that my roommates were off limits.”
“I wasn’t gonna kill him, jeez. Overreacting a little, aren’t we?”
“Fine. Let me amend my instructions. No killing or fucking my roommates. Happy?”
“I didn’t fuck him ... yet. Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Yet?”
“See? You are jealous,” she replied in a smug little voice.
God, if you’re up there, please give me the strength to not kill this woman. “Fine! You’re right; probably none of my business. I’m still pissed at you for sending me to China needlessly, though.”
“Maybe I should apologize for that,” she said as we continued walking to the Eighty-Sixth Street station. “However, I really was only trying to help. I figured a few days in an exotic country might let you blow off a little steam.”
She almost sounded sincere on that one ... or as sincere as Sally ever sounded. Sure, I’d gotten attacked, beaten up, and almost had my head popped off by the mother of all compulsions, but then again, there was the Khan’s hospitality. I’d definitely blown off a couple years’ worth of steam with that one.
“Very well,” I finally replied after thinking it over for a few minutes. “Apology accepted on that one. But what about that bullshit with the packing crate?”
She turned and gave me an impish grin. “That part was me just fucking with you.”
Bitch!
Fat Chicks versus Vampire Cake
I returned home, a headache starting to set in, much as it often did following a conversation with Sally. Ed was still up and sitting at our table, no doubt waiting for me. I was half-expecting to have him chew me a new asshole. Maybe I even deserved it.
“Hey,” I said, sitting down across from him.
“Hey,” he acknowledged in return.
“So how big of a dick was I just now?”
“Pretty colossal,” he replied
“Sorry about that. You pissed that I fucked up your date?”
“You didn’t really fuck it up. She was just coming up for a cup of coffee.”
“You sure?”
“Pretty much. You’ve got to work your way up to putting the moves on a chick who could snap you like a twig and enjoy every second of it.” He smiled. “Besides, if I were in your place, I probably would have reacted the same way. So, she really freighted you to China?”
“Yep.”
“Damn. I guess then I can forgive you this one time for being a little ticked off. I can see how that could ruin a person’s day.”
“Cool. Thanks, man.” It was always good to see bros before ho’s being upheld.
We were interrupted from any further male bonding by the arrival of our other roommate, Tom. Just as well. If the conversation kept going the way it was, we’d be entering metrosexual territory pretty soon.
Fortunately, Tom was a master at killing any such mood. “S’up, guys?” he said as way of greeting. “Sorry to interrupt you two staring soulfully into each other’s eyes.” Tom being an asshole was one constant in the universe that I could always count on.
“Ah, the wayward son returns,” I replied.
“So sayeth the world traveler,” he shot right back.
“Fair enough. So what have you been up to? My Chinese connections aside, I haven’t seen you much this past week or so.”
Tom grabbed a beer from the fridge and joined us at the table. It had been a busy couple weeks for all of us. It felt good to have my two closest amigos by my side again.
“Been out on a date,” he replied.
“Found a new glory hole at Penn Station?” Ed asked without missing a beat.
“Nah. Your mom called dibs on all the good ones. I was out again with Christy.”
“She that chick from work?” I asked.
“Yep.”
“How are things going with her?”
“Pretty good,” he said. “She’s cute, and we have fun. She’s a little weird, though.”
“How so? Are we talking weird as in has a penis?”
“Don’t confuse my dating life with your own, Bill. No, I mean she’s quirky. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes she gets this faraway look in her eyes. And the weirdest thing ... sometimes she knows stuff.”
“Like she’s dating a virgin?” Ed chimed in.
“Only if she’s seeing one of you on the side. But I’m serious. Sometimes we’ll be walking down the street and she’ll make these weird predictions out of nowhere. The other night, she pointed out this cab and said the driver was gonna be in an accident. Sure enough, ten seconds go by and we hear this crash. Some other guy ran a light and plowed into him broadside. It was freaky.”
“Well, I guess she does have to be a little freaky to date you,” I replied.
Ed added, “Until such time as she produces winning lotto numbers, I’m calling coincidence.”
“Maybe,” Tom said to him with a shrug. “Oh, speaking of winning the lottery, how did your ... thing go tonight?”
“Bill knows.”
I glared daggers at Tom. “You knew about this, too?”
“Knew? Who do you think put the Edster up to it? That chick was being wasted doing your clerical work.”
“For the last time, Sally’s not my secretary.”
“Your loss, dude. Personally, I wouldn’t mind calling her into my office for a little dictation.”
Ed sipped his coffee. “Little is an apt word to describe any dictation you’d be giving.”
Tom smiled back at him. “I’m pretty sure my date tonight would disagree.”
Oh, enough of this crap! It was time to show these fuckers who was really the king around these parts. “Speaking of dates, I had one this week that puts all of your sad, pathetic little lives to shame,” I said with my best arrogant sneer. Once I was sure I had their attention, I continued. “So, do you guys wanna hear about China or not?”
♦ ♦ ♦
I filled them in on my adventures on the other side of the world from start to finish, making it a point to pay extra attention to my day of unrelenting lust. By the time I was finished, a good hour had been killed.
“So what do you think? Pretty goddamn intense, eh?”
My roommates gave each other a glance from across the table. Finally, Tom spoke up. “Three chicks, huh?”
I nodded smugly.
“And do you happen to have any proof of this holy grail of scoredom?”
“What do you mean proof?” I asked.
“Exactly that. We’re talking panties, interesting marks on your body, video...”
Ed added, “In short, what we’re trying to say is: pics, or it didn’t happen.”
“My cell phone was dead,” I replied.
“Likely story.”
“Seriously. Have you ever been to a Mongolian vampire village? We’re talking Gilligan’s Island here ... like Robinson Crusoe, it’s as primitive as can be.”
“Uh huh.”
“Oh, come on,” I spat. “Don’t tell me you think I’m making this shit up.”
“Well, I mean, look at it from our viewpoint,” Tom replied. “No pics. No witnesses. Seems a bit too convenient to me.”
Ed nodded. “You gotta admit, Bill, this sounds suspiciously like the ‘old girlfriend from Canada’ routine.”
“We’re not in high school,” I pointed out.
“And you have to admit you’re probably a little vulnerable right now,” Tom added with a condescending tone. “I’ve been dating Christy. Ed asked out your uber-hot sidekick. No one would blame you for feeling a little inadequate after your failure to ask out that prospect from your office.”
I turned to Ed. “You told him?”
“How could I not?” he replied with a shrug.
“My God, I’m surrounded by assholes,” I said, putting my head in my hands.
♦ ♦ ♦
They let me wallow in my own misery, standup guys that they were, for a few minutes before Ed changed the subject. “I think we’re overlooking something major here. Forgetting Bill’s imaginary orgies for a second, what the hell would be ballsy enough to take on a bunch of pissed off vampires? That’s the part that worries me. If there’s something nastier out there than your buddies, Bill, I’d sure as shit like to know about it.”
“No idea,” I said, eager to move away from any further mental torment lest they convince me that the whole thing happened only in my head. Fuck them and their Vulcan mind tricks!
“Did you see whatever it was?”
“Only glimpses,” I replied. “Whatever they were, they were big motherfuckers.”
“Werewolves?” Tom asked.
“Nah. I don’t think so. Besides, didn’t Sally say werewolves were just make believe?”
“She could’ve lied,” he countered, a little defensively. “I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t seem fair to live in a world where vampires exist and werewolves don’t. I mean, if there’s no war between the vamps and the lycans, then there’s no reason for Kate Beckinsale to run around in skintight leather.”
“Girlfriend or not, you really need to get out more,” Ed said.
“And yet you both dare to pity me,” I pointed out. “No, let’s assume Sally wasn’t bullshitting us ... at least this once. That still leaves us with something really nasty out there. Whatever it was, it wasn’t human – and it sure as shit wasn’t afraid of vampires.”
“Why can’t supernatural monsters ever be friendly?” Tom asked.
“Tell me about it. I’d just about give my left kidney to meet Casper and find out he was an honest to goodness friendly ghost.”
“Did this Khan guy...” Ed said, and then immediately held up his hand to Tom, “no Trek jokes. Save it for later. Did the Khan give you anything on them?”
“He wasn’t all that talkative. Not a whole lot of deep, meaningful conversation coming out of that one ... unless you speak Mongolian, that is.”
“What about from your buddy Ozymandias?”
“James? No. He was a little evasive. Said I didn’t need to know, that I was safe in the city ... oh wait! I think he called them something.”
“What?”
“Not sure,” I replied. “I was kind of busy shitting my pants at the time. What the fuck did he call them?” I thought about it for a second. “It was something that started with an A, I think.”
“Alligator?” Tom chimed in. “Maybe the vampires are warring with the alligator people.”
I sighed, turning to him. “You know, you might want to give a warning to your new girlfriend. She should avoid trying to fuck your brains out since you already have a major deficiency in that department.”
“Let’s concentrate here,” said Ed. “A ... what, Bill?”
“No idea.”
“Maybe we should get the dictionary. We could start going through the A’s for anything that sounded threatening.”
“You’re out of your mind,” replied Tom. “We do that, and we’ll be up all fucking night.”
“All!” I suddenly shouted. Something about that word rang a bell.
“All what?”
“It was all-something,” I said, trying to concentrate. “Give me a second. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. All ... all ... Alma! I think he called them the Alma.”
“What the fuck’s an Alma?” asked Ed.
“Sounds like a fat chick name,” Tom said, as usual adding nothing of value to the conversation.
“I’m pretty sure the vampires weren’t attacked by a pack of fat chicks.”
“Maybe they heard that vampires were made of cake,” he replied with a dickheaded smirk.
I turned back to Ed. “Let’s ignore him now, shall we?”
“Gladly. Well, it’s not much to go on, but I guess we can look into it.” He opened his mouth and yawned. “But maybe tomorrow. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m kind of beat.”