The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  That figured. She had made a crude amulet for Tom while up in Canada. It bore the likeness of Optimus Prime. He used to have the original action figure and had been able to channel faith through it much the same way the Templars could do with their crosses. Though the toy was long since broken, Christy’s magical amulet had allowed him to focus that faith again. Yeah, Tom was a little fucked in the head that way.

  “As long as he has that on him, he might have a chance. Even so, we need to get to him quickly.”

  “He is the one who betrayed us, my love.”

  “Not of his own accord,” I pointed out. “Tom’s my friend. I owe it to him ... in more ways than one.”

  “Okay, so we wait for Gan’s assassins,” Sally said. “Tell them not to kill any particularly stupid humans they come across, and then storm the Office.”

  She had meant to be sarcastic, but the truth was my plan was pretty much as simple as that. I told her as much.

  “A direct assault would be foolish, Dr. Death,” Gan declared. “For anyone less than the Freewill, that is.”

  “That’s what I’m hoping.”

  It was settled, then. Now all we had to do was wait for Ed and Sheila to get back and then we could head out and see what could be done to make that plan a reality.

  There was only one small problem.

  They didn’t return.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Where the hell are they? It doesn’t take this long to grab a slice of pizza.”

  “Maybe it was really good pizza.”

  “Could be,” I admitted. “Can I borrow your cell?”

  Sally handed it over, amazingly enough without further comment. Jokes aside, she knew this was serious business ... for me at least. Once again, I felt a sense of gratitude fill me with regards to her involvement. She literally had almost nothing to gain by this insane endeavor of mine. Hell, if anything, the vampire world would be a little safer with Sheila’s removal and she knew it. The same went for Christy. She was there to save Tom, obviously, but she could have easily ratted us out at any time. That they were both willing to have a little – dare I say it – faith in me was heartening. I vowed to not let either of them down. There had to be a way to win that didn’t result in disaster for any of us.

  I just wished I had a clue as to what that was.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I dialed Ed’s number. He’d be likely to answer, especially the second he saw it was coming from Sally’s line. Talk about living dangerously.

  It rang once, twice, and then on the third ring it was answered. Thank goodness. Maybe Sally was right about it being especially good pizza. This was New York, after all.

  “Hey, man. It’s Bill. Just checking up on...”

  “Hi, Bill,” Tom’s voice said from the other end.

  It’s amazing how much difference a day can make. Had this happened at any other time, the worst that either of us would have expected was a quick, “Put Ed on the line, douche.”

  Now, though, I’m sure I would have felt my heart skip a beat had it been capable of such.

  I drew a breath and replied, as nonchalantly as I could, “Oh, hey Tom.” Christy’s eyebrows shot up in a look of panic. Hell, the only one in the room who didn’t seem surprised was Gan. She barely even blinked.

  “So...” I tried to think of something to say and drew a complete blank. “What’s up?”

  “What’s up? Really?” Sally hissed, throwing me an eye-roll for good measure.

  I put my hand over the speaker and replied, “Do you mind? I’m talking here.”

  “Bill, are you still there?” Tom asked, his voice eerily bereft of emotion.

  “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry, got distracted.”

  “You need to watch that. That’s always been one of your problems, the inability to focus.”

  “Uh ... yeah. So, I was calling to ask Ed a question. Can you put him on?”

  “I’m afraid not. The others don’t want him talking right now.”

  Oh crap. “The others?”

  “Christy’s sisters...”

  “Okay, then...”

  “and the vampires.” Oh fuck!

  “You need to get away from them, Tom. They’re not safe to be around.”

  “Ironic coming from you.”

  “I’m well aware, but you know me. I’m your friend.”

  “Are you?” he asked, his voice growing harsh. “I thought so, Bill, but then you lied to me. You lied to me about her. She’s going to kill Christy and you lied about her!”

  “Relax...”

  “Do not tell me to relax.”

  Things were not exactly looking hopeful for a civilized chat. Whatever Christy had subconsciously done, it had turned his brain into a festering pile of angry mush.

  “Tom!” Christy cried, walking over to me. “Whatever you’re doing, you need to stop.”

  “Christy?” he asked over the phone. “You have her?!”

  Uh oh.

  “It’s not like that...”

  “It wasn’t enough to deceive me. You had to kidnap her too? I swear to God, I’ll...”

  Sally reached over and snatched the phone from my hand. Before I could protest, she hit the button to end the call.

  “What the fuck are you doing?!” I shouted at her. “He’s out of his flipping mind and for all we know they have Ed and Sheila. So what do you do? You hang the fuck up on him. What? Are you low on minutes or something?”

  “Listen, Sally,” Christy said. “I know you don’t really like Tom, but...”

  Sally just held up a hand and said, “Five ... four ... three ... two...”

  RING

  “Damn, so close,” she remarked. “Watch and learn. I’ve done a few of these in my day.”

  I was about to reply with something pithy, but came to the conclusion that I really didn’t want to know.

  She let the phone ring twice more before answering in her best polite tone, “Hello?”

  She had the phone up against her ear, but even so, I could hear Tom ranting and raving, almost incoherently so.

  “Bill’s busy. He can’t come to the phone right now. No, you listen, meat-wad. Shut up or we start pulling her fingernails out.”

  Almost immediately the voice on the other end went silent. Sally smiled and threw us a wink. “Now, what you’re going to do is be a good little Happy Meal and put somebody on the line who’s not a complete fucktard. Actually, scratch that. Who’s there with you?” She listened for a moment then said, “Hand the phone to one of the witches.”

  I began to catch on. Tom was rapidly becoming a full-fledged, frothing at the mouth psycho, one who held absolutely no sway with any of the parties involved. Remington, on the other hand, was rational, but would be completely unfazed by our having “kidnapped” Christy. Under normal circumstances, witches were pieces of shit to vampires and vice versa. Once this joint venture was concluded, I had little doubt it would go back to that status quo. Therefore, it reasoned that the only ones who might be willing to negotiate would be Christy’s former coven-mates.

  Someone else was now speaking to Sally. It sounded like a female voice. I loved being right. It was just up to Sally to be able to put a gentle enough spin on things to...

  “And why should I give a shit? Go right ahead and pull his arms off for all I care.”

  Or not.

  “What the...” I started, but was shushed by the last person in the room I expected.

  “Patience, my love,” Gan replied from her seat on the couch. “Your whore has the situation under control.” She kept talking, not noticing the finger that Sally quickly shot out at her ... or maybe not caring. I had no idea whether that meant the same thing in Mongolian culture as it did here. “I am impressed. She is handling things from a position of strength which we do not have. It is most admirable. You may wish to consider giving her additional duties beyond your pleasure.”

  Sally’s eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth to say something, but the other conversation drew he
r attention back. “Yeah, I’m still here. I was just enjoying watching the Freewill break your sister’s fingers.” She put her hand over the receiver and addressed Christy. “Feel free to scream. That never hurts in these types of situations.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Sally finally hung up, holding the connection just long enough for the other end to catch some cries for mercy that Christy was busy faking.

  “Pack of morons,” she commented.

  “So? What’s going on?”

  “They want to do a swap.”

  “Christy for Sheila and Ed?” I asked.

  “Not quite. Christy and Sheila for Ed.”

  “What?”

  “I know,” she replied. “They must think you and him are going steady or something, although I could see how someone could assume that.”

  “Not that! What do you mean, Ed for Christy and Sheila? I thought they had them both.”

  “So did I. Imagine my surprise when they said they didn’t.”

  “You didn’t sound surprised on the phone,” Christy pointed out.

  “Never let them see you sweat, sister.”

  “So if they don’t have her, what the fuck happened?”

  “No idea,” Sally replied. “I figured that asking would tip our hand.”

  “That makes sense,” Christy said. “The vampires wouldn’t be out right now, and I’m not sure my sisters could have taken the Icon by themselves, at least not without drawing a lot of unwanted attention.”

  “I’m assuming you mean by blowing up a lot of shit.”

  Christy nodded.

  “So that still leaves the question of what the hell happened to her.”

  Gan sat up and cocked her head. “I believe we are about to find out.”

  I hated when vampires said stuff like that. It’s never a good thing. A few moments later, the sound of rapidly approaching sirens confirmed that feeling.

  Call me cynical, but I had to assume they weren’t here to give us a friendly police escort.

  Such Wondrous Places You Take Me

  Straining my ears, I heard the front door downstairs open followed by hurried footsteps running up. A frantic pounding began on the apartment door a few moments later. There was a quick pause as we all took a moment to exchange glances.

  “Anyone expecting a package from Fedex?” I asked. “Didn’t think so.”

  I walked to the door and began to open the locks.

  “Hold on,” Sally cried, racing to her bedroom. A scant second later, she returned with her Desert Eagle. I’d hate to be a door-to-door salesman assigned to her part of town.

  “If whoever’s there isn’t a glowing blonde, duck real fast,” she warned.

  I was starting to feel a bit panicky about this, but then I noticed Gan still seated, an almost bored expression on her face.

  “Relax, Sally,” I said, opening the door.

  Sheila ran in. Unfortunately, I didn’t step aside fast enough and she barreled into me. Heh, in all the excitement I had almost forgotten about that whole Icon thing.

  That’s okay, though. The subsequent flash of light – followed by being flung across the room – reminded me quite nicely. I slammed into the wall and bounced right off, landing in a heap on the floor. I had to give Sally credit – this place was constructed solidly.

  “Oh my god!” Sheila shrieked. “I’m so sorry, Bill.”

  “It’s alright,” I replied, groggily picking myself off the floor. “I’m starting to get used to it.” I turned to Sally. “Concrete?”

  “Cinderblock,” she corrected.

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “We need to save Ed!” Sheila gasped, obviously out of breath.

  I shook my head to clear it. “We know.”

  “Are you okay?” Christy asked her, ignoring the fact that I had just gotten slammed into a wall at thirty miles per hour. I tried not to take offense at the oversight.

  “I’m fine,” she replied. “I just need to catch my breath. There’s one small problem, though.”

  There came the sound of the door being kicked in downstairs. “Let me guess,” Sally said. “You brought company?”

  “Sorry.”

  “So much for this being a safe house,” Sally remarked. “Get the door. It’s reinforced. Should slow them down.”

  Gan stood up. Her claws extended and her eyes blackened. “Why not simply dispatch them?”

  “That kind of goes against us keeping a low profile.”

  Sally replied, “I think we’re already past that. Come on, grab your stuff. We’ll take the back stairs.”

  “I thought you couldn’t go outside,” Sheila said. “It’s still daylight out.”

  “We’re not going out, girlfriend. We’re going down.” I immediately started chuckling. I couldn’t help it. “Into the sewer, you fucking perv.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Just be fast.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Christy helped me quickly gather mine and Ed’s stuff, especially his shotgun. That would be a particularly bad trinket to leave behind for the cops to find – ignoring for a moment the refrigerator full of blood. He’d also no doubt want it back once we rescued him.

  That is, if he was even still alive, a voice in the back of my head pointed out. No! That was a bad thought. Of course he was still alive. Tom wasn’t that far gone. He couldn’t be. I refused to believe it.

  Thankfully, Sally was right about the door. When she said reinforced, she meant it. It had apparently been designed to keep vampires at bay. It was going to take an entire SWAT team to knock it in ... not that I intended to stick around long enough to test that theory.

  Sally grabbed a few spare magazines of ammo, while Sheila quickly donned her Templar armor and strapped her sword to her side (and yes, it was hot). Gan, well, she stood there looking bored and maybe a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to let her dismember the nice policemen. Oh how nice it would be to finally see her boarding a plane back home ... although first I had to live long enough to do so.

  “We all set?” I asked.

  There were nods all around, followed by a hollow boom against the front door. Guess they had brought up a battering ram. It was time to go.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We lowered ourselves down the manhole in the basement, sealing it behind us. Eventually the cops would figure out how we had escaped, but by then we’d be long gone in the warren of tunnels underneath the city.

  Gan, Sally and myself were fine in the dark (albeit I could do without the dirty or smelly parts), but neither Sheila nor Christy had night vision. Fortunately, Christy had magic on her side. She muttered a quick incantation and a soft glow began to emanate from her. It illuminated the tunnel enough to keep them from breaking their necks.

  Sally took a look around, then turned to Sheila, smiling. “Aren’t you glad you met Bill?”

  She chuckled in return. “Oh I don’t know. Some drapes ... maybe a scented candle...”

  “Okay, enough with the jokes,” I said, stepping to the forefront. “Let’s get moving.”

  “Not that way,” Sally corrected. “No way in hell are we leading the cops directly to the Office. Let’s take the scenic route. Besides which, it’ll eat time until it gets dark.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Sheila filled us in on her lunch date as we walked through the dank tunnels, the squeak of rats accompanying us in the dark.

  They had stopped at a Greek restaurant for some gyros – note to self: Sheila likes gyros. The attack had been both quick and efficient. Three witches, no doubt the same that had visited Christy the night before, simply walked in the door. It had been Ed who had spotted them, remembering their faces.

  It was all over before anyone even knew what had happened. The witches had simultaneously fired a spell, but it hadn’t been aimed at Sheila. It landed directly in front of her, exploding out in a concussive wave. Her power had flared up to protect her from harm, but she had still been thrown back b
y the force of the blast. The rest of the lunch crowd, Ed included, hadn’t been so lucky. They had all been knocked instantly unconscious. Sheila had recovered and grabbed a steak knife from the table, but it had been too late. Just as quickly as they had entered, the witches left ... but not alone. They grabbed hold of Ed’s unconscious form and blinked out in a flash of light.

  “So where did the cops come in?” I asked, stepping in something semi-solid that I really hoped was just mud.

  “That’s why I was so long in getting back. I stuck around to make sure everyone else was all right. Unfortunately, a few of them freaked out and called 911. I think maybe they thought it was a terrorist attack.”

  “Because a gyro shop is the first place suicide bombers target,” Sally commented.

  “So you ran?” I asked.

  “Not quite,” she replied, continuing. “The police were there within minutes. They wanted to take me in for questioning and I...”

  “What?”

  “I sorta...”

  “Kicked the shit out of them?” Sally surmised, a note of approval in her voice. “Nice. Welcome to my world.”

  “Don’t let it get to you,” I said. “It’s almost impossible to live this kind of lifestyle without committing multiple felonies.”

  “Yay me. If only mom could see me now.” She seemed to consider this for a moment and then asked, “Bill, what about your parents?”

  “My parents? They live down in New Jersey, happily spending my inheritance.”

  “No, I mean do they know?”

  “Three words: no fucking way. I get enough shit from them as it is about not having a ... well ... girlfriend. Heh ... anyway, no. Aside from the time I accidentally bit their cat, I try to keep them as far away from the vampire lifestyle as I can.”

  “You bit their cat?”

  “Closest Bill’s gotten to any puss...”

  “Thank you, Sally. I think we get the picture. Like I said, it was an accident. Let’s leave it at that.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Once the small talk petered out, we got down to business: discussing what needed to be done when we reached the Office. Aside from Gan, who couldn’t have cared less, we all agreed that saving my roommates was the number one priority. Well, okay, Sally was closer to Gan’s attitude with regards to Tom. There was likewise little disagreement on the subject of Remington and his vampires. They needed to either be driven out of town for good or outright eliminated. Even Sheila, the relative newb of the group, didn’t have much problem with that. Remington was a dick, after all.