Tainted by Love

by Jones, Gillian

  “Hendrix,” Trinity says smiling, “I love you. Thank you.” She squeezes my hands.

  Looking at Judge Coleman, I ask, “Please tell me I can kiss her now?”

  “Almost. I promise,” she replies. “These wedding rings you are about to exchange are a visible sign of an invisible sign and commitment which will unite you in love, a love so deep it should be upheld and cherished. Let’s get you a little further along the road to that kiss, Hendrix.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Please do,” I reply.

  “Place the ring on Trinity’s finger and repeat after me…”

  “Trinity,” I begin, repeating the words, “I give you this ring. Wear it with love and happiness. This ring is a symbol of my lasting love, it has no beginning and no end.”

  “Now, Trinity, place the ring on Hendrix’s finger and repeat after me…”

  “Hendrix,” Trinity says, “I give you this ring. Wear it with love and happiness. This ring is a symbol of my lasting love, it has no beginning and no end.”

  “I can now officially invite you to kiss the bride, Hendrix.”

  And I do.

  And I will. Forever and a day…

  57

  Hendrix

  3 months later

  Sitting here in the crowded auditorium, I’m in awe. Watching Trinity do her thing is incredible. My girl’s an inspiring advocate for those living with HIV and AIDS, a survivor unafraid of putting herself out there. She told me once that if she inspires even one person use condoms, she will have done her job. These kids are lucky to have her to talk to, educate and help them. She gets a lot of emails from students who have heard her speak and, Trinity being Trinity, she replies to each and every one. Today’s speech is extra special because it will likely be her last school visit for a while. I know it’ll be an adjustment for her not to have this type of therapeutic release in her life, but I think the trade off is definitely worth it for her.

  Trinity up on stage now with her enormous tummy has me completely enamoured. I’m in the audience in the front row with Flynn beside me, both of us listening to her speak about her experiences. The smile lighting up her face is infectious as she talks about how happy she is, and how excited she is to become a mother. I shift in my seat, trying not to let my wife’s beauty, coupled with her intelligence and charm, allow my attraction to get too carried away.

  But let me tell you, it’s hard. That whole thing people say about how a pregnant woman’s libido increases is no myth, and it doesn’t only apply to the female half of the equation. I’ve been more and more insatiable with every noticeable change to Trin’s body. I can’t explain it, but I’ve never wanted my wife more. I just need to remind myself that this is definitely not the time or place to get a hard on.

  Shaking my head, I watch, smiling, as she waddles across the stage. Trin speaks passionately about the preventative measures she is taking for the baby’s protection right now, about how she’ll have a planned C-section, how she and the baby will both be carefully monitored, but that she won’t be able to breastfeed, while I sit here trying to calm myself down. I really am impossible sometimes.

  She glances down as she touches her belly, and I catch the glint of the diamonds resting on her ring finger. I’ll never forget the day Trin officially became my wife—and our crazy vow competition, which ended as a tie according to our guests.

  We both still need to collect on our wins…maybe after we leave here I’ll take her back to the shop and lean her sexy ass over the ’77 Celica I’ve almost finished rebuilding. Yeah, I bet she’d look fuckin’ hot with her legs spread wide, her elbows on the hood, me taking her from behind with my hands wrapped around that cute belly…

  “And now, I’d like to move on to my favourite part: the question and answer period…” Trin’s voice breaks through my fantasy, and I smile up at her as she catches my eye from the stage, standing right in front of us. Yeah, we’re definitely going down to the shop later. I wonder what she’ll make me do when she claims her half of the bet?

  Leaning in, Flynn whispers, “I’ve never seen Trin so happy. Thank you, Hendrix, for giving her that glow.” He clasps my wrist. “Make sure you keep that shit up.”

  “Oh, I plan on it, sir.”

  “You better.” He chuckles quietly, and we sit together and watch our girl wrap up her speech.

  58

  Trinity

  “And now, I’d like to move on to my favourite part: the question and answer period. We have about twenty minutes for you to ask me anything and everything. I’m an open book.”

  I scan the large crowd at Centennial High. My eyes land on Hendrix who’s sitting up front with Dex, grinning at me like a fool. It’s sort of the way I feel when I look at him, too. Patting my baby bump, I head to the stool; my feet could use a break. Moving it to centre stage, I take a seat as the first young woman makes her way to the mic.

  “Hi, Trinity. I’m Ashley.”

  “Hey, what’s your question?” I say with a warm smile. After all this time, I still look forward to this part. For the most part, the students ask really well-thought-out questions and are usually less judgemental than adults. A part of me thinks it’s because this generation is better educated about HIV and AIDS than we were when I was younger.

  “I guess I wanted to know if you were scared when you found out you were pregnant?” she asks.

  “Yes. Petrified, at first.” I look to Hendrix and smile. “But my husband and doctors are amazing and together we’ve been doing everything we can to ensure our baby isn’t affected. We’ve got a solid plan in place which involves a planned C-section and medication, both for me before delivery and for the baby afterwards. For six weeks after birth, our daughter will take a medication called Retrovir (Zidovudine), which is an anti-HIV drug safe for newborns, which essentially stops the virus’s enzymes from creating the HIV virus. But the biggest thing we have going for us is that I’m one of the lucky ones, I have a low viral load and my T-cell count is in a healthy range, so there is a near-99% chance that I won’t pass it along. Regardless, I’m worried—like any new parent-to-be—but not as terrified as I was at first now that I have more information. Now, I’m just more excited. I need her to hurry up and get here so I can meet her,” I laugh.

  “I wish you all the best.”

  “Thank you.” Taking a sip of water, I look up and see a tall girl with bright red hair standing at the mic. “Hi! What’s your question?”

  “I’m Elise. I wanted to know if you’ll breastfeed? I’m not sure if you already said or not, but I’m curious. I’m sitting up in the nosebleeds and couldn’t really hear…” She points up to the last row in the back.

  “Hi, nice to meet you. Great question. I did mention that it’s a risk. Unfortunately, breastfeeding involves the transmission of fluids from me to the baby, so, no, I can’t risk infecting her. Besides formula today is just as good, I’m told.”

  “Awesome, thank you,” she nods, making her way back up to the top.

  “Hi, I’m Veronica. I’ve been sitting here listening and I can’t stay quiet anymore. I think you’re making a mistake. I think you’re playing Russian roulette with an innocent life. How do you sleep at night knowing you could be giving your daughter a death sentence…” I tune her out, but what she’s saying are the same things I thought for months and months. It took Hendrix, my doctors and my family a long time to get me over thinking that way. Looking to Hendrix for a bit of a reprieve, I end up giving him a scowl as I notice he and Dex are both gripping their armrests as if they’re struggling to not jump up and defend me. If I know my husband, he’s about to try to shut this down.

  “…and what type of mother is okay with that?”

  I mouth “relax” over to Dex and Hendrix, who are glowering and shaking their heads, not happy with the comment. Seeing them sit back, I continue, giving them a nod.

  “You have a point, Veronica. I felt the way you did for a while, too, before I got all the facts. I briefly contemplated termination. My
husband and I spent many nights wondering if what we were doing was wrong. Heaps of Kleenexes were used, a lot of Googling was done and many doctor’s appointments were made. But, thankfully, we did take the time to educate ourselves. And you know what? Our little girl has more of a chance of being born with a birth defect than she does of having HIV. Therefore, my answer is ‘no’. I don’t feel like a bad mom. I feel the same nerves all new moms feel, but I know our little girl will be loved and supported regardless of what happens. Hendrix and I decided that we already loved her too much not to live with the small risk of HIV transmission,” I say honestly, but then notice she’s already stomping away from the microphone. However, once I finish, I hear a bunch of whistles and hands clapping at my answer. I let out a huge breath.

  “Thanks, guys, that one was probably the hardest question ever. I need an easy one next. I guess it’s all baby questions today, eh?” I tease, but get exactly that.

  “Hey, I’m Jay. I just wanted to say good for you, nice to see someone with some balls. Technology and modern medicine is in your favour. I say, congratulations.”

  “Thank you, Jay. And that’s very true. The advances in medicine around HIV have been incredible.”

  “Hey, there. I’m Aamira. I wanted to know when they’ll test the baby?”

  “They’ll be testing her around twelve days after birth, then again at six weeks, and again after twelve weeks. These tests are looking to see if the virus has presented itself in her blood. If all those tests come back clear, then it’s safe to say that she’s HIV-negative. As an extra precaution, we’ve decided to give her an infant post-exposure prophylaxis, also called a PEP. It’s an extra medication that will fight the virus, too. We figure we need to do all we can, and we’ve seen firsthand how effective the preventative medicine was with my husband when we had the contraceptive failure.”

  “I think that it is very good that you have received all of the information you need to raise a healthy baby. I bet you will be an excellent mother to your child. I will keep your family in my prayers.”

  “I appreciate that, Aamira. Thank you.”

  After a few more questions about the baby, and Hendrix’s and my future plans, I thank everyone and start packing up as the students file out. Hendrix comes on stage, wrapping his strong arms around my stomach, pulling me back into his chest.

  “I’m proud of you, baby. You did an amazing job up there today.” He kisses my cheek. “I can see you’re tired. What say you let me finish the packing, then we can get outta here faster. I see a foot rub in your future.”

  “Sounds amazing,” I agree, and move aside to sit with Dex. I mean, who wouldn’t, with an offer like that?

  59

  Trinity

  Walking into Burger Barn, my inner carnivore is in full-on “get in my belly” mode. It’s either that, or the baby.

  Burgers.

  All the time…all the way.

  Morning, noon and night.

  They are my weakness.

  Burgers are the food of champions…or of pregnant women named Trinity, anyway.

  “God, think they’d let me move in for the next few weeks? You smell that?” I inhale the yummy charbroiled-goodness burger smell.

  “Jesus, you’re beginning to scare me a bit. I think you’re starting to grow fangs,” Shannon says, as Hendrix and I slip into the booth across from she and Cannon. They’ve been going strong now for months, despite a minor hiccup from Shannon’s past popping in and trying to get her back. Good thing Cannon put up a fight, because the last person I want to see Shannon with again is Mario. Unfortunately, he’s always been my BFF’s weakness, but simply put, he’s an abusive prick with “bad news” tattooed on his forehead.

  “That’s my T-Rex. All she wants is meat. Mostly burgers, but she’ll take a sausage now and then,” Hendrix adds, without missing a beat.

  “You’re impossible.” I elbow him in the ribs.

  “And you’ve got a dirty mind. I was simply talking about all that homemade sausage Flynn and Tillie made for us last week.”

  I roll my eyes in disbelief. “Oh, I bet you were.”

  We all laugh, knowing exactly what my husband meant.

  “Hey, there. Welcome to Burger Barn. I’m Jenna. What can I get you to drink?” she asks, and we all place our orders, beer for them and pop for me.

  “I can’t wait to have some wine,” I admit. “I think you guys should sneak me some when I’m in the hospital.”

  “We can totally do that,” Cannon smiles, his eyes sincere.

  Following the night I fainted, Cannon had come up to me at work a few days later to make sure I was okay. We spent a little time talking about everything, and he apologized for the way he’d reacted that night. He said he would never have suspected that I had HIV. He had a lot of misconceptions about HIV and AIDS, and I was really glad to get the opportunity to clear things up for him. He’s been an awesome friend ever since and a lot of fun to work with, too. I told him that I had no idea what his reaction had been, and that it didn’t matter anyway. As long as he was okay with being around me, we’d be all right. We’ve since become close; we even have our own little friendship now and I love it. I know it’s a shock when you first find out a friend has HIV, especially when the person in question has just collapsed in front of you. Kind of a scary way to find out some pretty significant news.

  “I’m glad we could do this,” Shannon says, scanning the menu. “It’s been way too long since the four of us were all free at the same time, plus soon it will have to be all G-rated conversations and outings as the mini will be here.” She looks up and gives me a huge toothy grin. “I can’t believe that in a few weeks we’re going to have a baby!” she squeals, squeezing my hand, and I giggle.

  “I’m glad you’re so excited,” I tell her, as the server brings our drinks and interrupts to take our dinner order. I, of course, order my all-time favourite: the mushroom, brie and bacon burger, and was already salivating as I handed Jenna my menu. I hope she didn’t notice my drool before she returned to the kitchen. Hendrix looked green at the mention of mushrooms, but I can’t help it, I’ve been absolutely craving them.

  “Anyway, Hendrix and I want to ask you guys something,” I say, looking back and forth between the two of them, a big smile on my face. I love these two people like family. Shannon is like a sister, and I can’t think of a better person for this job. She’s always been here for me, and I know she’d be the same way with my daughter.

  A few weeks ago, I decided to contact my mom. Hendrix offered to do it with me, but I felt it was Shannon whom I wanted with me while I initiated the call. But as I half expected anyway, nothing had changed on their end. My parents prefer to keep things the way they are. My mom did, however, congratulate me on my marriage and pregnancy before she then chastised me and reminded me of my mistakes. She went on to tell me that I ought to be grateful I had found a man who was so open-minded and would risk getting sick to be with the likes of me. By the end of the call, I was a blubbering mess despite my resolve to not let my mother hear me cry, but with the emotions that go along with pregnancy, it was impossible. We signed off with her hoping that my child would live to be HIV-free, because it “wasn’t the baby’s fault that I was reckless”. Once the call was done, I cried a whole lot more and Shannon, of course, snuggled us up on my couch and fed us ice cream as we binge-watched old episodes of Friends, while she cursed my mother over and over again, telling me how I’m much better off. And for the first time, I actually believed it.

  “Yeah, we don’t want to put either of you on the spot,” Hendrix says beside me, snapping me out of my head, reminding me that this is a happy night. I decide to push thoughts of my parents aside, hopefully for good. “Cannon, you’re my best friend, and Shannon, you’re Trin’s, so it seemed natural that it be you guys, if you’re willing to do what we’re gonna ask.”

  They both look at us with knowing smiles on their faces, coupled with a bit of surprise, as I’m sure they know where we’
re headed with this conversation. How could they not know we’d ask them?

  “Whether you’re together or not, and I’m just saying that to say it. You better be, but you know, we still want you both, because we love you and trust you and know how amazing you both are,” I say, adding nothing to the conversation. I laugh out loud, because Hendrix is giving me a gentle nudge and shaking his head, smirking. “What? Sorry, I’m nervous. I ramble. They can’t say no.”

  “I swear if you get down on one knee, I’m outta here,” Shannon says, and we all laugh.

  “You know I suck at this stuff, and now add this pregnancy-brain thing,” I say, pointing to my head. “Trust me, dudes, it’s a real thing,” I tell them, widening my eyes and spinning my finger beside my head like I’m loco.

  “What my not-so-articulate-at-the-moment—and yet beautiful—wife is not-so-eloquently trying to say, is that we would love for you guys to be the baby’s guide parents. You know, positive role models in her life who will teach her things and love her like we do. Adults she can trust and rely on outside of our immediate families, ones who would also serve as primary guardians if anything were to happen to the both of us. We want to know that she would be in good hands, and Trin and I can’t think of better people for our baby,” Hendrix explains perfectly.

  “Yes, I’d be honoured,” Shannon says, wiping her eyes before she practically leaps across the table to hug Hendrix and me.

  “Me too. Totally,” Cannon interjects, reaching over to shake Hendrix’s hand and giving my hands a tight squeeze. “This calls for another round!” Cannon motions for the waitress just as she is coming out of the kitchen to drop off our food.

  “I’ll bring you extra treats for the hospital, so we can all celebrate,” Cannon winks as we toast, they with their beers, and me with my Pepsi.