Life Or Something Like It

by Annie Lyons

  Cat opened her mouth to speak and realised that she didn’t know what to say. She had longed for this moment ever since she met Jesse. It had become hidden over the years as a secret yearning but it had always been there, tucked away. This was the moment, the moment she was supposed to fall into the hero’s arms, swoon and say something like, What took you so long?, let him sweep her off her feet and take her away from all this. She looked into his eyes, his beautiful green eyes; everything about him was so familiar. It would be the easiest thing in the world to give in to this. They could become the new PR power couple, taking the company to new heights, achieving everything they’d ever dreamed of.

  So no-one was more surprised than Cat when she heard herself reply, ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  Of course, Jesse couldn’t read her mind. He had no idea about what Cat had been through, about Finn or how her view of life had shifted. He was also a little drunk. He squeezed her hands and looked deeply into her eyes. ‘I know it’s a lot to take in. It was a shock to me but it makes sense, doesn’t it? We’re such a great team and I’ve always loved you.’

  ‘As a friend.’

  ‘Yes, but it’s not just that. We’ve always flirted and then there was that moment at uni.’

  ‘Jesse, that was seventeen years ago.’

  He stared at her intently. ‘Tell me that you don’t feel the same. Tell me that there isn’t something between us – a spark, a chemistry. Whatever you want to call it. There’s something, isn’t there?’

  Cat sighed. It was time to be honest. She fixed him with her gaze. ‘I have loved you from the moment I met you.’

  Jesse smiled and reached out a hand to stroke her cheek as if that was the affirmation he needed. ‘I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up.’ He nodded at the waiter to bring the bill. They left the restaurant and jumped into a waiting cab. As they sped back through the night towards her house, he put his hand on her knee. Cat turned her face towards him and Jesse leant down to kiss her.

  ‘Jesse, don’t,’ said Cat pushing him away gently.

  ‘But I thought – ’

  ‘You’re still married and I have rules about that.’

  Jesse looked surprised. ‘But we’re living separate lives; it’s all over. You do believe me, don’t you?’

  There was something about the way he said this that made her think of the recent times he’d let her down. ‘We’ve waited seventeen years. Can’t we take this a bit at a time?’

  Cat detected a hint of irritation as he sat back with a sigh. ‘Of course, Kit Kat. Whatever you want.’

  She took hold of his hand and squeezed it. ‘I want to have the best chance possible at getting things right, okay?’

  He gazed at her and became the old Jesse again – her Jesse. He kissed her hand. ‘Your wish is my command, oh beautiful one.’

  Her heart skipped a little at his use of the word ‘beautiful’. She felt as if she had been waiting her whole life for this moment, pretending that they were friends when she secretly longed for so much more, fooling herself and everyone else that it was nothing. Jesse glanced at her and winked, squeezing her hand more tightly. She smiled. This should be the perfect ending, Cat’s chance to have everything she wanted. So she wasn’t quite sure why she was holding back. Surely one kiss wouldn’t hurt? Cat didn’t doubt that Jesse and Alex were separated and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to give in to the moment. She told herself that it was all so sudden, that she needed time to get used to the idea, but she knew this was only half the story.

  They pulled up in front of her house and her heart sank as she spotted Finn’s car parked outside. It was a situation that Ellie might have described as ‘awkward’.

  ‘I’m guessing that a coffee is out of the question,’ said Jesse oblivious to Finn’s presence.

  ‘All in good time,’ said Cat, reaching over to kiss him on the cheek. He turned his face quickly, his lips meeting hers for a moment. She pulled away, casting a nervous glance back towards Finn but his face wasn’t visible in the darkness.

  ‘Sorry,’ said Jesse. ‘I couldn’t resist.’

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ replied Cat, stepping out of the cab and feeling flustered. She waited until the taxi had pulled off before approaching Finn’s car. He climbed out of the driver’s seat and walked round to where she stood on the pavement. She couldn’t read the expression on his face but she noticed that he didn’t try to kiss her.

  ‘How long have you been here?’ she asked.

  ‘Long enough,’ he replied. ‘I’m guessing that was Jesse.’

  ‘Look, Finn, it’s not what you think.’

  ‘Oh you mean seeing you kiss another man isn’t what it looks like?’ Cat didn’t know how to answer. ‘What’s going on, Cat? You leave the pub without a word, don’t answer my calls and texts, and then I come here and find you with him.’

  Cat closed her eyes. Her head was spinning with Jesse’s revelation and Finn’s anger. This wasn’t how she wanted things to be. ‘Please, come into the house and I’ll try to explain,’ she said, staring into his eyes. He hesitated. She thought he was going to turn and leave but he sighed and followed her through the door into the lounge. Cat sat down on the sofa and looked up at him. Finn remained standing, his arms folded, waiting for her to speak.

  She sighed. ‘I left the pub the other night because I was angry that you’d written a song about us.’

  ‘What?’ said Finn in disbelief.

  ‘It was so personal. I felt as if everyone knew our business. It’s private.’

  Finn shook his head. ‘Are you for real? I wrote that song because I love you and I want to sing it from the rooftops. That’s how it works.’

  ‘Not in my world,’ said Cat.

  Finn stared at her. ‘I don’t believe you. What do you want, Cat? What do you actually want?’ It was a simple question for which Cat had no straightforward answer. Finn’s gaze was intent as he tried and failed to read her thoughts. ‘Did I dream what happened over the summer? Because it felt pretty real to me.’

  ‘Yes of course it happened but Melissa’s back and the kids don’t need me any more.’

  ‘Of course they need you. What about everything that happened with Charlie? You managed to get through to him. How can you just abandon him now?’

  Cat was indignant. ‘For your information I haven’t abandoned him. We message each other all the time.’

  ‘Wow. That must be a great comfort to him.’

  Cat could feel the anger rising up inside her. ‘What is your problem? I was always going to go back to my job one day and here I am.’

  ‘Yeah, here you are. Back playing at real life with your spoilt celebrities.’

  ‘You don’t know anything about it,’ snapped Cat. She’d forgotten how infuriating he could be.

  Finn gave a derisory laugh. ‘I know none of it’s real – the breast implants, the Botox injections, here-today, gone-tomorrow celebs. It’s all fake.’

  ‘It’s my life. It’s part of who I am.’

  ‘Is it? Is it really?’

  She turned on him, her eyes blazing with fury. ‘Look, I know it’s hard for you to understand but I am proud of what I’ve done with my life and everything I’ve achieved. I know there are fakers out there and some aspects of what I do may seem ridiculous to you but it’s about more than that to me.’

  Finn fixed her with a scathing look. ‘What is it about then?’

  ‘It’s about helping people make the best of their lives. Everyone struggles. Everyone in the whole world. Even the billionaires in their huge mansions with more money than they could ever need.’

  ‘Ahh, diddums.’

  ‘You see, this is why it won’t work between us. You judge everything. You’ve always got a clever remark or a pithy observation.’

  ‘Oh come on, Cat, you’ve got to admit that the plight of some rich bastard is hardly as important as that of a single mum.’

  ‘No, of course not! Look I’m not an idiot. I know my worl
d seems shallow to you and part of it is but I also know that every person has a heart and every person has feelings. I don’t judge or dictate – I help people make the best of themselves.’

  Finn gave her a scathing look. ‘Well you’re a loss to the social sector.’

  ‘Don’t you dare judge me.’ Cat’s anger was about to boil over. ‘I think you should go. I think we’ve said enough. Let’s just say this was a holiday romance that didn’t last.’ She turned away.

  ‘If you think that, you’re a bigger fool than that clown Jesse.’

  ‘Actually that clown has just told me that he loves me.’ The words flew out of her mouth before her brain had a chance to stop them.

  Finn looked as if he’d been punched. ‘And what does his wife say about that?’

  ‘They’re getting divorced.’

  Finn’s laugh was edged with bitterness. ‘Oh that’s great. That’s just brilliant.’

  ‘What?’

  Finn looked at her as if he’d suddenly gleaned an essential truth. ‘I thought you were a fool when actually I’ve been the biggest fool of all.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He turned on her. ‘Listening to you, caring for you, falling for you and all the time it was part of a game, wasn’t it?’

  ‘No.’ Cat’s eyes pricked with tears. ‘It wasn’t a game. Not at all.’

  He stared at her, his face clouded with sorrow. ‘I love you. I want nothing more than to make you happy. Why can’t that be enough for you?’

  Cat felt an ache in her chest as she replied. ‘You and I walk through very different worlds.’

  ‘So?’ The question hung in the air like a dare. ‘It is possible to have different lives and still love one another. If you could only allow yourself to be loved, to stop trying to control your life and putting up barriers, you could be happy. We could be happy.’

  Cat felt tears spring to her eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ she sobbed. ‘I’m just so sorry.’

  Part of her longed for Finn to come to her as he had in the beach hut in Suffolk, to wrap his arms around her and to cover her face with kisses but he was standing by the door now. ‘I have to protect myself,’ he said quietly. ‘I should go.’ A voice in her head told her to call him back, to tell him she was scared and that she wanted him to help her but a louder voice, the one that loved her old life and was tempted by Jesse’s declaration, let him go. She heard the sound of a car engine and Finn driving away.

  She sat in the chair for a while and cried silent tears as thoughts tumbled through her brain: of her beloved brother, of sweet Ellie and dear Charlie and the realisation that she missed them more than she knew, of Jesse, of Finn and of her mum and dad, loved and cherished, their absence still a hard fist of grief at the core of her soul. The desperate loneliness of sadness overwhelmed her. After a time, she reached for her phone and dialled a number. It was answered after two rings.

  ‘Hi, it’s me. Listen, I know you’re probably already home and this might sound crazy but do you want to come back? I don’t want to be alone.’

  The reply was warm, reassuring and familiar. ‘Of course I do, Kit Kat. I’ll be round in half an hour.’

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Cat Nightingale was late. It was only the third or fourth time in her life that this had happened. She was on her way to meet Ava for brunch and as she dodged the weekenders milling on the streets of Soho, she felt an unfamiliar jittery panic dance through her body. It was deeply unsettling. People who weren’t so fastidious about time-keeping would dismiss this as ridiculous. She was only meeting a friend; everyone was late sometimes but Cat knew that her tardiness would signal to Ava that something was wrong. It would be an open invitation for the feisty American to metaphorically open up her journalist’s notebook, lick the tip of pencil and grill Cat for all she was worth. Cat wasn’t sure that she was ready for this level of interrogation.

  The venue had been Ava’s choice. It was a homage to the best American East Coast diners. Ava liked to come here to make disparaging remarks that the eggs weren’t a patch on her grandmother’s and that the chef had probably never even been to York, let alone New York. Cat knew this was all a front and she also knew that Ava brought her here when she was feeling homesick; everyone had their weak spot and she was happy to indulge her friend’s without comment.

  Cat arrived out of breath and was led through the restaurant by an efficient waitress. Ava was sitting on a caramel brown curved leather banquette towards the back of the room, nursing a cocktail.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Ava,’ said Cat, knowing that defence was always the best form of attack with her friend. ‘The Tubes were a nightmare.’

  Ava reached forwards and kissed her on both cheeks, whispering, ‘You always were a terrible liar.’

  Cat allowed the waitress to take her coat and sat down opposite her friend, doing her best to remain poker-faced.

  ‘Would you like a drink, madam?’ asked the waitress.

  Ava held up her glass. ‘I’m on the Red Snapper. They describe it as “Rich, spicy and complex”, like my favourite kind of guy.’

  ‘I’ll have what she’s having, thank you.’ Cat smiled. The waitress nodded and handed her a menu before disappearing off to the American-style bar. ‘I like this place,’ said Cat, looking around herself.

  ‘It tries too hard,’ replied Ava looking bored.

  ‘Everyone tries too hard in this town, sweetie,’ retorted Cat.

  Ava raised her eyebrows. ‘Has Cat Nightingale had a revelation?’

  Cat laughed. ‘I always knew it. I just never said it out loud.’

  The waitress brought Cat’s drink and Ava tapped her glass against it. ‘And that is why you are the best in the business. So. How does it feel to be back in the game?’

  Cat took a sip of her drink and relaxed immediately. ‘Honestly?’

  Ava stared at her. ‘God no. If you start being honest, where will it end?’ Cat hesitated and Ava’s gaze became more intense. ‘I’m kidding. You can tell me anything. You’re not famous so it wouldn’t interest my readers anyway.’

  Cat laughed. ‘I don’t really know where to start.’

  Ava folded her arms. ‘Well I haven’t got anywhere else to be, the bar is stocked and I know the owners so we can stay here all day if you like. Is it to do with that guy, what was his name, Flynn?’

  ‘Finn.’

  ‘Yeah, him. So did the romantic hero sweep the damsel in distress off her feet?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘Did the romantic heroine sweep the jaded hero off his feet then?’

  ‘There wasn’t much sweeping to be honest.’

  ‘That’s a shame because deep inside this cold heart there’s a tiny pulse that betrays a hopelessly romantic soul.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Only when I’m drunk. Continue with your story.’

  Cat took a deep breath. ‘I guess you could say that I’ve started to see life differently since I’ve been with the kids.’

  Usually Ava would be ready with a one-liner or a smart remark here but she was staring at Cat with interest. ‘In what way?’

  Cat took a deep breath. ‘They make you look at it in such a simple and unclouded way. There’s no room for cynicism. What you see is what you get and I found it really quite – ’

  ‘Refreshing,’ finished Ava.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Cat surprised. ‘They strip life down to its bare essentials and honestly? It felt good. I felt as if I’d been living my life in a bubble and suddenly somebody had pricked it and showed me the truth.’

  ‘I bet it scared the shit out of you to start with,’ observed Ava.

  Cat laughed. ‘I was terrified but I needed it. I feel different because of the kids. Does that sound weird?’

  She expected Ava to tell her that it did but instead her friend shook her head. ‘Not at all.’

  ‘Well I thought you would tell me I was losing it or going soft. I wasn’t expecting empathy. Do I need to be worried?’ asked
Cat, fixing her with a look.

  Ava was staring at a print on the far wall. It was Nighthawks by Edward Hopper – a dark and sparing depiction of a 1940s diner. Cat had never seen her friend like this before; there was an air of sadness to her voice as she spoke. ‘I never told you what happened before I came here, did I?’

  ‘You didn’t want to,’ said Cat, sensing that she needed to talk.

  ‘I had a child when I was twenty,’ said Ava quietly. Cat moved forwards in her seat, encouraging her friend to go on. ‘Let’s just say my parents didn’t want to know and neither did the father so I gave her up for adoption.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Ava.’

  Ava shrugged. ‘These things happen. I made my career in New York and then got an offer to come over here. It seemed like the best idea at the time.’

  ‘And now?’

  ‘I think about that little girl every single day. What am I saying, little girl? She’d be thirty now.’

  ‘And you’ve never tried to find her?’

  ‘It was my decision to give her up, which means that I don’t think I have the right to go back. If she wants to find me, she could do that. I made my bed.’ Cat sensed the regret and sadness and understood the barriers that Ava had put up to protect herself. She’d constructed a few of her own over the years. ‘Anyway,’ said Ava, sitting up and smiling brightly at Cat. ‘This isn’t about me. I want to know about this guy, Finn.’

  Cat could see that the subject was closed and unlikely to be reopened any time soon but she appreciated the shared confidence. It was a new chapter in their friendship.

  ‘He’s a musician.’

  ‘Junkie or straight?’

  ‘Straight.’ Cat smiled.

  ‘That’s good. Big time or small time?’

  ‘Small time and talented.’

  ‘Even better. And good-looking if I remember his picture correctly?’

  ‘Very. Bearded too.’

  ‘Nothing a razor can’t cure. So, you like this guy?’

  ‘I do. He probably knows more about me than almost anyone.’

  Ava gave a sharp intake of breath. ‘Risky, but I guess it means you trust him.’