Zomblog 05: Snoe's War

by T. W. Brown

  “First…stop with the ‘lassie’ crap.” I pulled my hand away, suddenly remembering my task. “In this country, that’s the dog that saves Timmy when he falls down the well.” Adrian laughed. It was a really nice laugh, and once again I felt all warm and squishy. “My name is Ava, and yes, I am a ghoul.”

  “Thought your sort only noshed on the dearly departed,” Adrian said with far more animation than Belinda ever used. In fact, if it weren’t for the pair of extended and pointy incisors, he might even pass for human. Living human that is. Well…the teeth and the smell, but I don’t think normal people can smell vampires.

  “Huh?”

  “The fluttery-pulsed little canary peeping at us from within your automobile.” Adrian looked past me and into my car…straight at a wide-eyed Lisa.

  “That’s my friend, and she’s off limits,” I snapped.

  “Ghouls don’t have friends,” Adrian pointed out.

  “So I’ve heard,” I whispered. “Listen, Danny Boy, we have a bit of a problem. Supposedly, you aren’t allowed to just show up and start sucking on the locals. I guess there is a protocol or something your type follow.” Protocol? Nice word, Ava. Take that, Morgan…and your ten dollar vocabulary.

  “Every rule has exceptions,” Adrian’s eyes came back to me and I saw something nasty in them. It made me think one thing: predator.

  “Yes, well…”my fingers tingled with my sudden spike of fear. I let one hand brush my throat, making sure that the chain holding my silver cross, the one I’d been given by my daddy when I had my first communion, was easily accessible.

  “So who sent you to kill me?” Adrian interrupted what was about to be a sad memory of my daddy most likely revolving around how much I missed him now that he was gone or some such thing.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “Who sent you to kill me?”

  “Why—?”

  “Please,” Adrian interrupted, “I’ve been around too long, lassie.”

  “Don’t call me that.”

  “My apologies,” all of a sudden, he had my face in his hand, squeezing my cheeks, “Ava.”

  And there went my fingers and toes. I just wish that the shark mouth thing was wired into the same circuitry.

  “Stay where you are, little canary,” Adrian called. That would be Lisa wanting to come to my rescue. I don’t think she really thought things through. I mean, here I am a ghoul with my own skill set—sure, I don’t have a grip on all of them yet, but I’m learning—and this vampire is obviously just a teensy bit more than I can seem to handle.

  “You are the low bird in the roost,” Adrian got way too deep into my personal space, “and somebody sent you to…deal…with me.” He thrummed his gross, cold finger on my cheeks with each word.

  “I—” was all I managed to say before he steamrolled right over whatever lame excuse I was about to conjure up. His grip on my face tightening to the point where it began to hurt a little.

  “The Psychic Controller of this district probably decided that you were expendable.” Adrian’s eyes had turned black just like mine. “Whoever it is probably just wanted to test me out before sending in the real killer. The special enforcer tucked away who probably puts down any who go rogue or just refuse to fall in line at the whim of this area’s psychic. Every psychic has a…I believe the popular term here in America is hit man?”

  “How do you know I’m not the enforcer?” I tried to sound as tough as anybody can when their cheeks are being squeezed tightly.

  Adrian laughed. And laughed. And laughed…

  “I’m not sure how affronted I should be,” he finally said after his mirthful outburst.

  “Excuse me?” I couldn’t wait to see how he would insult me next.

  “You are either incredibly new, in which case it’s quite insulting that your psychic would think so little of me so as to send anything as unprepared as yourself…or you are the most cunning, clever lass in all the land.”

  “I like the second choice,” I huffed. My lips were starting to feel funny from being squeezed into a big oval for so long. Also, I could feel my cheeks bruising on the inside. If I was all shark mouthed, I bet his hand wouldn’t even be able to—

  It hit me like a metal train crashing through my skull! Duh. I can be so slow sometimes.

  I let my sense of smell drift off of Mister Stinky Vampire and find that nearby corpse that was probably his recent kill. It’s not exactly instant, but it does happen fast.

  Adrian obviously misjudged and underestimated me. That’ll teach him to think I was just the disposable lackey. Yay, shark mouth! His hand pulled free of my cheeks. However, rather than seeming concerned or frightened, he just seemed annoyed.

  “Pay attention, lassie,” Adrian said in a voice so low that I know I was the only one who could hear it. “You tell your psychic that I’ll be challenging whomever is the king or queen of this kiss. Once that has been resolved, I will meet her personally.”

  Her? I hadn’t said anything about Morgan. Were all psychics female? There was so much I didn’t know. A new surge of anger trickled through me. I was their expendable asset. Well, I’d show them!

  “Perhaps you could focus while I’m giving you what your psychic will most assuredly deem a rather important message.” Adrian was snapping his fingers in front of my face. How rude!

  I started. My smelling sense drifted to him and my teeth retracted to normal faster than my ex-husband use to go flaccid after our annual birthday sex. I wiped the thick slobber off my chin.

  “So you want to fight the head vampire and take over?” I asked. Perhaps this wasn’t as bad as folks thought. Well…unless you happen to be Belinda. Then it might suck just a little.

  “No,” Adrian leaned in close and whispered in my ear,” I want to kill them.”

  And then he was gone. I really hate when they do that. The vampires I mean…with all their scary-fast comings and goings.

  I took a sniff. His stench was already growing faint. I didn’t think I could track him and I didn’t want to leave Lisa behind to test my ability in that department just yet. I returned to the car.

  “Please tell me you weren’t zonked like last time,” I huffed as I slid in the driver’s seat. When we’d met Belinda the first time in a grocery store, Lisa had been hypnotized—or whatever it is that vampires do—and missed out on the entire thing. I actually had to convince her that it had, in fact, happened.

  “Nope,” Lisa said through pursed lips, “I saw and heard it all.”

  “Problem?” I turned to get a better look at her. I could hear the tension in her voice and smell the fear-sweat seeping from her pores.

  “Ummm…” her voice trailed off, but she was pointing straight ahead.

  I looked, and it took me a second to realize what I was seeing. People don’t normally scurry crab-like on their hands and feet. My excellent vision at night allowed me a much better view than what Lisa had. Thank goodness.

  This woman’s throat was ripped open, and she had a flap of skin dangling like an open shirt collar. Her face was all snarly like a mad dog, and a set of pointy fangs poked out.

  “Stay in the car,” I whispered and snatched the stake that Lisa held clutched in her hand with a white-knuckled grip.

  I did my best to get out of the car quietly, but supernatural hearing makes that pretty much pointless. The crazy vampire’s head snapped up as soon as I engaged the door handle. So much for the element of surprise.

  At first it sorta skittered back like it was startled. Then…it came bounding at me all growly and snarly. This was going to be a quick test of my new reflexes. I readied the stake as it leapt at me through the air. I only had the briefest of seconds to hope that I was aiming my stake at the right spot.

  There was a crash-squish sound and the crazy vampire made a really painful-to-the-ears screech. Then…poof! And now I was covered with a gritty, sand-like coating of vampire dust.

  Dis. Gus. Ting!

  I heard the door open, and Lisa g
ot out of the car. A quick sniff did two things; first, it assured me that there were no freshly dead or newly risen vampires anywhere close; and second, it made me explode in a flurry of sneezes unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Now, my sinuses were caked in fresh vampire dust. Great.

  “Wow,” Lisa breathed, stepping around in front of me and looking me up and down. “You’re all glittery.”

  I looked at my hands. Sure enough, it looked as if I’d plunged my arms in a vat of glitter. Vampire dust is sparkly. Who knew?

  “We should probably hose you off before you get back in the car,” Lisa said. “We’d probably never get all of that out of the seats. It’d be worse than after a trip to the beach.”

  Stupid disintegrating vampires.

  We walked—well…Lisa walked, I sorta stomped angrily—to a darkened house and found a spigot but no hose. After the fifth house and still no hose, it dawned on me: winter. Duh, Ava, nobody leaves their garden hoses out in the wintertime.

  That’s how I ended up sitting on the hood of the car as Lisa drove onto the nearby strip and pulled into the first do-it-yourself carwash. This one had three bays, only one with work lights overhead.

  If anybody would’ve driven past, they would’ve seen a naked ghoul being hosed down by a seventeen-year-old trying desperately not to laugh.

  ***

  “So basically I was bait?” I sat across the table from Morgan, trying my best to keep calm. I wasn’t wearing any shoes just in case. My fingers and toes had been tingling since Morgan walked through the door.

  “You were given the opportunity to make a substantial sum of—” Morgan began in her annoyingly calm voice.

  “Which you get none of since this rogue is still running around in my territory,” Belinda interrupted. Her voice was its normal mix of quiet sluttiness. But her porcelain-smooth face had a tiny crease in the forehead and one eyebrow was arched.

  “Calm down,” Morgan placed a hand on Belinda’s arm. “Nothing will be gained if you lose your composure.”

  Calm down? She’d hardly reacted at all. That’s when I had my epi…um epiph…oh hell, that’s when I figured out that vampires are not prone to showing any emotions.

  “Ava already had to stake one vampire tonight, and it will be daylight in an hour at the most,” Lisa spoke out.

  I gave my head a tiny shake and tried to glare. Only, with my eyes being all black, I wondered if they conveyed meaning like they used to. I’d need to look in a mirror and make faces later.

  “It would probably be best if we talked about this tomorrow.” When did Lisa suddenly get so chatty with the supernatural folks?

  “You’d best restrain your pet,” Belinda mouthed in a whisper only I could hear.

  “She’s not my pet,” I snapped.

  “Ladies,” Morgan stepped between us, “and you, Lisa, this is not doing us any good. Now…Ava, perhaps you’d like to explain about having staked a vampire already tonight.”

  “Adrian turned his last victim,” I answered, hoping my eyes were sending little daggers. “It came for us right after he did his vanishing act. Only, it wasn’t like Adrian or the queen of charm, here.” I waved what I hoped came across as a dismissive gesture at Belinda. “More like a wild animal.”

  “He’s turning revenants,” Morgan breathed in the most dramatic display of emotion I’d seen from her so far.

  “Rev…revenants?” I’ll bite. It’s not like I’m not already known for asking stupid questions. “What the hell are those?”

  “The best way I can explain it so that you’ll understand,” ouch, “is that they are like a rabid vampire.”

  “The revenant is a monster…and deserving of death,” After one of her completely unreadable stares where I feel every pint of ice cream I ever ate bulging from my hips, Belinda added, quite unnecessarily, “Even by the likes of you.”

  The petty side of my brain wanted to play the revoke-the-invitation game, but I knew better than to do it with Morgan present. I bit my tongue and continued to struggle with my finger-and toe-claws. Keeping them at bay was getting tougher by the minute.

  “They are forbidden in this country,” Belinda went on after I didn’t take the bait—points for Ava! “Creating one is considered a crime and punishable by stake or sunlight.”

  “Considering he intends on taking you out, I don’t think Adrian is all that concerned about protocol or rules,” I quipped.

  “Ava is correct,” Morgan agreed.

  I am? Wow…I was just trying to be a bit of a bitch. I wasn’t really looking to score a point or anything.

  “If she would’ve simply performed the task that we sent her to do,” Belinda deliberately turned her back on me, “this whole mess would be over and done.”

  “If you two would have been more honest with me instead of sending me out like bait, then perhaps—”

  “Enough!” Morgan snapped, cutting me off. “We have a legitimate problem at the moment, and nothing is being accomplished by you two behaving like children with all of this petty arguing.”

  “Amen, sister,” Lisa hissed under her breath. I saw Belinda’s eyes shift her way for just a second. Hmm, later on I would have to have a chat with her and remind the girl about the enhanced hearing of the supernatural; at least when it comes to ghouls and vampires and—if my eyes were not fooling me when I thought that I caught a flicker of a barely perceptible smirk—psychics.

  “As fun as all of this has been,” I glanced at my microwave and the digital clock readout, “we should adjourn until this evening.” Adjourn. Good for me and my use of words.

  After some rather stiff farewells, Morgan and Belinda left. I went to my closet and spent the day listening to the daily routine kick in around the complex. Spring had officially started a few days ago, but in Oregon, that only meant that the rain was a little warmer. Today was one of those postcard days with temperatures in the 60s, and a bright sun sneaking across a perfectly blue sky like it didn’t want to be noticed. At least…that’s how I remembered them. It couldn’t actually see it for myself. Sunlight on my skin feels like a blow torch. Still, I wouldn’t miss the sun as much as I would a pint of Chunky Monkey. However, if I was being honest with myself and not so superficial, days like this would place in the top ten of things Ava misses about being human.

  ***

  “Morgan and Belinda haven’t come by or called or anything,” Lisa argued as I grabbed all the stuff from last night’s vampire hunt. “We should probably wait.”

  “I don’t need to wait for them to repeat all the same crap from yesterday.” I shook the giant squirt gun to ensure it was still full. Did holy water expire or lose its holiness? I sure hoped not.

  “Well I’m going on record as saying that this is a bad idea.”

  “Whose side are you on?”

  “It’s not a matter of sides,” Lisa said as she followed me out the door, pulled it shut, and checked that it was locked. “It’s a matter of last night we found out how out of our league we are when it comes to the whole ‘vampire slayer’ thing.”

  Wasn’t there a show about that or something, I wondered as we walked in silence to the car.

  The cranky silence continued as we drove to the same neighborhood as last night. Once we arrived, I swapped out with Lisa and let her take the wheel as I hung my head out the window and went into ‘Super-sniffer’ mode. It didn’t take long to find what I was searching for, only…it wasn’t like last night. It was…

  “Crap! I snarled. “Stop the car.”

  I was out before we’d actually come to a stop. Shifting into full-blown bloodhound…figuratively of course…I let my nose lead me to the source of the smell. The stench of rotten chocolate cake, garbage can scum, and the cottage cheese-thick pus that came out of a boil brought me to a pale-blue two-story house. There was nothing that made this house stand out from the others on the block. However, every residence on the entire street was totally dark. There wasn’t a light on inside or out.

  “Ave—”
<
br />   “Shut up and get back in the car,” I snapped a bit more harshly than I intended, but there was some bad stuff in the air, and I didn’t want to worry about keeping one eye out for Lisa. I had a feeling I’d be busy enough watching my own ass. I heard some sort of vocal protest, but I grabbed the big bag of vampire killing stuff and slammed the door before the protests could become a discussion.

  Following my keen sense of ghoulish smell, I moved down one side of the house and into the back yard. There was a fence down each side of the large yard as well as the back, separating this house from both side-neighbors as well as the houses behind it. I reached the rear and had a choice between a five-step climb up onto the covered back porch and presumably the back door, or seven concrete steps down to a wooden door with a curtained window. The smell was from down that way. Also, right about then, there was a loud crash.

  I was at the bottom in two steps and through the door like a pissed off Clint Eastwood. Glass and wood went everywhere, and in the absolute blackness, two sets of glowing red eyes shifted my direction. Good thing I have excellent night-vision. That’s how I managed to make out Adrian straddling Belinda, both had their clothes torn to ribbons, and both were marked up with furrowed rows of fingernail marks that looked nasty.

  Oh yeah…and then there was the whole thing about Adrian holding a nasty looking wooden stake in his hands, trying to drive it into the smooth skin between Belinda’s disgustingly perfect breasts. I was willing to bet that those things kept their shape whether she was standing or leaning over.

  For some reason, that made me remember my mortification after allowing one of my lovers to videotape our sexual escapades one night. He’d been holding the camera in his hand while I was on top. When the hell had my amazing breasts turned into a pair of poorly synchronized pendulums? I was further pushed into despondency when he’d taken footage from above; two fleshy magnets that were repelled by each other and…well just you never mind. Anyways…back to the whole Adrian-trying-to-stake-Belinda thing.