Zomblog 05: Snoe's War

by T. W. Brown

  I pulled my own stake from the bag, along with the squirt gun full of hopefully-not-expired holy water. I couldn’t use the latter without risking Belinda—not that I was all that against it—so I stood in the doorway brandishing the nasty, pointy, wooden bringer-of-death.

  “Haven’t you heard, Adrian?” I asked trying to sound confident. “No means no.”

  “This doesn’t concern you, corpse-eater,” Adrian said through barred teeth.

  I have to say, his face is much more expressive than Belinda’s. Even now while she lay on the cold, dirty concrete floor, trying to hold off the stake that was moving closer by fractions of an inch as we spoke, her face was smooth and lacking anything resembling emotion.

  “Seriously?” I snapped. “We’re doing the name calling thing?”

  “Ayy…v-vaa,” Belinda managed through the closest thing to strained her voice seemed capable of, “stop running your mouth and…kill. Him. You. Idiot.”

  “Is this a vampire thing?” I took a step into the basement.

  “You can stay right where you are, lassie.” Adrian put a bit more into his attempt at driving the sharpened stake in his hands closer to Belinda.

  “Actually, I seem to be free to move about as I like, Carrot-top.” I took another step into the pitch black basement. “You have your hands full as far as I can tell.”

  “Kill this bastard,” Belinda said through pursed lips as she struggled to keep the point—which was now hovering about a centimeter above her skin—from turning her into a little sparkly ash pile.

  “Stop being so bossy!” I blew a strand of hair out of my eyes and took another step closer.

  “Why would you help somebody so crass and unpleasant…and who obviously sees you as contemptible at the very best?”

  Good point.

  “And you obviously see me as an equal…a partner or something?”

  “I—”

  “Can it, Lucky,” I cut him off. Now I was only a step or two away. “You’ve been a jerk to me since we met. And you’ve just got this thing about you when you talk that I’m just certain is con…conde…”

  “Condescending?” Belinda offered. She actually sounded more annoyed with me than with the guy on top of her with the stake.

  “Yeah,” I agreed, “that’s the word…I think.”

  “And this one is so kind to you,” Adrian said with a laugh.

  “At least I know what to expect from her,” I retorted with a shrug.

  “Do you really?”

  Hmmm. That’s a good point. My mind flashed to our first meeting. It’d been in an all-night grocery store; she’d wanted to bite Lisa and have me eat the remains to eliminate any evidence.

  An idea hit me. I didn’t really have any logic to my revelation, and I didn’t see some deep issue with a sudden clarity. What it came down to was a feeling. Just a gut feeling.

  “At least she didn’t turn a fresh kill into a rabid dog of a vampire that tried to attack me.” I inched forward. “She actually offered me a fresh meal the first time we met.” Even if it was my friend that she wanted to serve up, but he didn’t need to know that.

  “Do you really need a vampire queen who wants to feed you? By the looks…you could skip a meal or two,” Adrian said with a twinkle of laughter dancing through his Irish lilt.

  “You dick!” I lunged forward and drove my stake into the back of the surprised vamp. I could see his face as clearly as if there’d been a light on in this damp, dark, basement. He was truly shocked, like there was no way this was happening. Then, he rippled with white hot fire that was here and gone in less than a second.

  And poof!

  A cascade of that gritty ash washed over Belinda. The stake that was about to pierce her chest flew across the room and shattered against the concrete wall. I had a brief mental flash of Belinda and me getting over our petty squabbles.

  “What is wrong with you!”

  Nope, guess not.

  “How hard would it be to warn somebody?” she sputtered while spitting out bits of vampire ash.

  “If I would’ve warned somebody,” I snatched back the hand I’d been about to offer to help her to her feet, “then I wouldn’t have had the element of surprise.”

  I wasn’t about to admit that I had absolutely no idea or plan as to what I would do. Much less the fact that his snarky little weight comment is what really set me off.

  Belinda sprang to her feet…literally…dusting herself off from head to toe. Being so close to her was probably why I didn’t smell anything unusual. That’s why I was so surprised when I turned around and discovered two of those revenant thingies standing in the doorway. Ummm…okay…standing might be stretching it a bit. One of them was crouched down on all fours—and I’m not talking hands-and-knees but rather hands-and-feet. The other was clinging to the wall of the stairwell that led down to the basement like a twisted spider.

  “I swear I can’t understand why Morgan didn’t—”

  I would’ve loved to have heard the rest of that statement, but Belinda saw the two agitated critters in the doorway and was suddenly struck speechless. If I could bottle that moment.

  “This is not good at all,” Belinda said in her usual calm voice.

  “Leftovers?” I asked.

  “If they belonged to Adrian, they would’ve disintegrated with him.”

  “Huh?”

  “With lessor creatures like a revenant, the death of its creator results in the death of the revenant.”

  “But if, like your creator got staked or something, you wouldn’t…right?”

  “Do I look like a revenant?”

  “Nope,” I glanced sideways, “just a bitch.”

  “I don’t imagine you brought extra stakes,” Belinda said, ignoring my teensy barb.

  Didn’t she notice the plastic squirt gun with the big, vitamin-shaped chamber on top? Well, time to show her I was not a ghoul to be messed with. I brought up the holy-water-filled Super Soaker and fired a stream from left to right.

  It was like tossing a match onto some gasoline-soaked hay.

  Whoomph!

  The two revenants turned into comets as they screeched and took off, leaving a trail of flames in their wake. It looked way cooler than it sounds. Also, their screams of pain, or whatever that sound was they were making as they tore off into the night, caused the windows at head level around the basement to shatter. I was impressed. I thought that sort of thing only happened in a Memorex commercial.

  “What is that?” Now Belinda was paying attention to my squirt gun. I explained, and got a bit of pleasure out of seeing her back a few steps away from me like I was a poisonous snake.

  “Is it…empty?” Wow, I almost heard emotion in her voice.

  “Mostly…but what is that whole thing you said about the revenants dying with their creator?”

  “Exactly that.” Belinda edged towards the door, the whole time keeping an eye on my Super Soaker.

  “That would mean that some vampire other than Adrian created those two,” I said, basically mouthing my thoughts out loud.

  “You catch on quickly,” Belinda retorted in her usual snotty tone.

  “Is this really the time for you to be a complete bitch?” I shook the squirt gun for added emphasis.

  “You’re…” she glanced at the weapon, then back to my eyes, “correct. There are more pressing matters.”

  “So then, if Adrian isn’t the bad guy…what is going on?”

  “He was somebody’s lieutenant.”

  “Huh?”

  “His king or queen sent him to test our defenses…see how much effort it might take to overthrow the leader of whichever kiss they were setting their sights on. Namely mine.”

  Wow. Not the revelation that there was probably an even nastier vampire out there, but that Belinda had climbed down off of Bitch Mountain and actually spoken to me.

  “Where’s your pet human?” Belinda asked. And she’s back.

  “Waiting in the car out front.” I direc
ted my sense of smell to where I knew she’d be. Sure enough…uh-oh.

  “C’mon!” I ran through the doorway and out into the clear night air. Only, I wasn’t breathing in the approaching rain storm. I could smell Lisa, her clean skin with a slight residue of soap and her hair with the strawberry scented shampoo, along with a million other things that are as distinct to me as somebody’s voice. Then…there was the near gagging stench of vampire. Sure…it might be some other brand of undead horror, but I was willing to bet on vampire.

  I was loping through the side yard—ghouls don’t really run, but that’s not important now—when I heard the crash of broken glass followed by a scream that I knew to be Lisa.

  I felt more than saw Belinda pass me. By the time—maybe two seconds later—that I reached the darkened street, two vampires were circling each other in the middle of it. As for my car and Lisa, the whole front windshield was gone, and my poor friend was in the backseat holding up a cross that was glowing like a roadside flare. I was super glad Lisa was okay, but I was also seriously pissed that my whole freaking windshield was all over the dashboard and front seats of my poor little Ford Escort Wagon.

  My attention peeled away from Lisa and my car to get a look at the two vampires that were circling each other in the middle of the dark, streetlamp deficient road. Still not one single house had turned on so much as a porch light, much less an interior one. What the hell sort of neighborhood was this?

  As for the two vamps—yay, I was right, by the way—they were circling each other like a pair of dogs. No…they were too graceful, it was more like a pair of lionesses or tigresses.

  The stranger was really tall. I’m not just saying tall for a woman; she was the sort of tall that would make a pro basketball player say, “Damn!” Her hair was the prettiest shade of red. It was a light strawberry-blonde with strands of blonde that looked like spun gold and the red was so amazing. I was actually a bit jealous and I’ve always loved my jet-black hair. The so-black-it-looks-blue shade that is totally natural has been one of my few sources of pride.

  “I should have known, “Belinda spat. I was a little stunned at this outburst of emotion. She seemed to be legitimately pissed off.

  “I told you when you took this territory from Lewis that I wouldn’t rest until you were staked or given to the sun,” the tall, elegantly pretty vampire replied.

  I noticed an accent and it took me a second to recognize it. This woman was from the northeast; Boston, New York, Philadelphia. I wasn’t sure which, but it was definitely that general direction.

  “So you recruited a little army?” Belinda left it in the air like a question.

  “I didn’t need one…just one ambitious little soldier to flush you out. I should’ve known you’d be consorting with the likes of a corpse-eater.”

  Ummm…I’m like right here.

  “And does the council know you’re dabbling with revenants?”

  “You won’t be around long enough to hurl that accusation and I’ll put them down the moment I’ve ended you.”

  “Yes, well, this territory has a highly respected psychic—”

  “You mean Morgan?” The tall vampire laughed. It was a really ugly sound coming from somebody so elegant and pretty like her. “I’ve brought her replacement as well.”

  “This seems a lot nastier that I think your boss had any idea of,” Lisa whispered. When had she climbed out of the car?

  “My boss?” I asked, not taking my eyes off the two vamps that were still circling each other.

  “Ummm…Morgan?”

  “Morgan is not my boss.”

  “She’s the one who hired you for this job, right?”

  Well when you put it that way.

  “Perhaps you should do something,” Lisa offered, putting her hand in the middle of my back and nudging me forward.

  “Belinda looks like she may be able to handle this,” I argued and stepped back beside Lisa, giving her what I hoped was my don’t-you-dare-do-that-again glare.

  “But how much will you get paid if Belinda does this while we stand here and watch?”

  Good point.

  “You got any ideas?” I asked. I didn’t want to use my squirt gun because of the risk of splashing Belinda. Again, not that I was opposed to seeing something bad happen to her, just that I was fairly certain that Morgan wouldn’t like it.

  “She didn’t care much for my cross,” Lisa offered.

  “But that would just back her up or scare her away.”

  “Oh!” Lisa turned and ran to the car. She dug around for a moment and came up with a large plastic jug. She jogged back and thrust it in to my hands.

  “What would you have me do with this?”

  “Vampire OCD,” Lisa said. “Maybe she’ll start counting them.”

  “And what about Belinda?”

  “Worry about that if it works.”

  I guess it was worth a shot. I poured a handful of the tiny poppy seeds into my hand and gave the jug back to Lisa. Edging closer with what I assume to be the proper amount of caution that one would use while approaching a pair of pissed off vampires, I tossed the handful at their feet like I was feeding pigeons in the park.

  It was actually sorta creepy the way they both froze. Their heads craned over to me with similar looks of annoyance etched on their faces.

  “What on earth are you doing?” Belinda said, her eyes a pair of blazing red orbs.

  “Don’t you want to start counting them?” I asked with a weak shrug.

  “What have you told this filthy corpse-eater?” The other vampire looked at Belinda with a raised eyebrow. Her face didn’t change much. Another vampire with the overly Botoxed look? Hey! I’m not filthy!

  “Oh please, Emma.” Belinda came out of her predatory crouch.” You know full well what a queen must do if there is an intruder in her territory.”

  “But telling such things to a…ghoul.” Emma’s voice changed almost less than her facial expression, but she still managed to make the word ‘ghoul’ sound like it was something you’d wipe off your shoe. “Isn’t there an executioner in your district?” Emma likewise came out of her crouch. Now it was just weird. Nothing to see here, officer, just a pair of female alpha-vampires chatting.

  “There was…until he fell in with the dogs,” Belinda replied.

  “How long ago?

  “Couple months.”

  “This is the fifth district to have its Psychic Executioner fall in with the lycans,” Emma said with her strange accent that made this conversation seem just a little too surreal.

  An elbow in my ribs brought my attention back to Lisa. Her eyes flicked from my squirt gun to Emma. Oh yeah!

  I brought it up and aimed for the woman’s head. A stream of water arced in the night catching just enough of the moonlight that had just started peeking through the clouds to make it look like silver. Did I fail to mention that I was almost famous at fairs and carnivals? You know that midway game where you shoot water into the clown’s mouth and blow up a balloon, or make a racehorse move across the backdrop to a finish line? Well…I caught Emma in the temple.

  Windows up and down the block—including the ones that were still intact on my car—shattered. Lisa actually collapsed to the ground. I wasn’t sure if that would have been enough to kill her on its own, I am still not well-versed in vampire regeneration (look at me with the big words!). Fortunately, when Lisa collapsed, she dropped a stake on the ground. I didn’t waste any time grabbing it. Emma was on her knees, smoke swirling around her like the dry ice fog on stage of just about any eighties hair metal band during the concert’s opening number.

  I focused as good as a ghoul can in a heavy fog that smelled like roasting garbage and plunged the stake into the largest, darkest part of the shadowy figure. I heard about a dozen yelps or growls from all around. I’m guessing it was all of Emma’s revenants. A second later, she was little more than a pile of gritty vampire ash.

  “What is your problem?” Belinda was in my face in the blink
of an eye. I really hate the whole supersonic-vampire-speed thing.

  “Umm…”

  “I had the situation under control,” she said through barred fangs.

  “How do you figure?” I really wanted to take a step back, but there was no way I’d ever give Belinda that sort of satisfaction.

  “Is there anything Ava can do that won’t have you in a tizzy?” Lisa snapped, stepping up beside me. I appreciated the gesture and support, but this was so not the time. Plus…hadn’t she just fainted?

  “Silence, human,” Belinda’s eyes never left mine, which is good, because I knew all it would take was a single look to put Lisa in a trance.

  “Well the next time some vampire with an attitude shows up, don’t call me to sniff it out!” I huffed, spinning on a heel. I got to my car and stopped. It had no windows. “And this,” I turned to face Belinda, hiking a thumb over my shoulder, “goes on your bill.”

  I didn’t even get to finish my sentence. She was gone. Not so much as a “thank you” or a “kiss my ass” or nothing. I opened up the driver’s side door, brushed most of the glass off my seat and started the car.

  “Coming?” I snapped at Lisa.

  She glanced around nervously. I think that was the first time she’d actually witnessed a vampire’s amazing speed. After brushing out her seat, Lisa climbed in and we drove home. It was like standing in a wind tunnel.

  Walking into my apartment…sorry, our apartment…I could smell something in the air—a lingering aftersmell. Like when your granny comes over and your living room smells like cheap rose-scented perfume for the next couple of days. Only, this was a dry, sterile smell. No, not clean, smartass, Sterile. There’s a difference.

  Anyways, sitting on the coffee table in the living room was an envelope with my name. Inside was an ATM card and a five-digit code. I was okay with waiting until the next day, but Lisa insisted.

  We drove to the bank. That did nothing to help my dark mood. I plugged in the card and punched the code:

  WELCOME, AVA BIRCH!

  I selected BALANCE:

  YOUR ACCOUNT’S CURRENT TOTAL: $1,000,000.00

  Lisa yelped. Of course, I thought she’d seen the balance.