Heartbreak's A Bitch!

by S. M Phillips

  “How the hell do I know?” If I knew I wouldn’t be going out of my flaming mind with worry, would I? “I just went to the ladies and bam, this massive infestation has taken over my foof.”

  “Have you tried to put anything on it?”

  “Like what? Cleary I just wander around carrying lotions and potions for this kind of thing.” I reply sarcastically. “Come on Rach, don’t be a tit.”

  “Don’t be a bloody bitch.” She quips right back.

  Don’t be a bitch? I’m fucking in agony here. I’ve got every bloody right to be a bitch.

  “We need to put something on this and fast.”

  No shit. Here I was not so patiently enjoying the pain and waiting for it to spread. “You can’t touch it though. What if you catch it?” I don’t want to be the one who accidently riddles Rachel too.

  “Emily, I highly doubt that a bad reaction is contagious.”

  “No you’re right. But genital herpes is rife. “I exclaim and Rachel pauses in the hallway before turning back to look at me. I’m not too sure that I like the expression on her face right now though. It’s not a very nice look. More of a ‘why am I best friends with a daft bint’ look.

  “You’ve not got genital herpes you daft mare. That’s a reaction to the wax you had earlier.”

  “Oh, so this is all your fault then?” I ask.

  “No, you can’t blame your ridiculous sensitive skin on me. Plus, I tend to get it from time to time, just never this severe. I can’t even begin to imagine how painful it is. But, now that I’ve had a closer look I can promise you that you’ll be fine in no time.”

  Not herpes? Well, that’s bloody music to my ears, that is. “So what do I do to make it better?”

  “All you need is a nice cool bath and then make sure that you slap loads of this on and I mean go real heavy with the shit. Plus, the cooling sensation will give you some relief, but try not to scratch the itch.” She hurries back towards me from the kitchen and hands me a grey tub.

  “Sudacrem?” I take it and silently thank her for being the sensible one and always ensuring that my first aid kit is thoroughly stocked and ready to go.

  “Yes. Sudacrem, you know the baby nappy rash cream? It’ll work wonders, plus it’s got antibacterial properties in it too so you’ll be less likely to get any nasty infections around it. Just think, your front bum will be all silky and smooth in no time, too. Now, if you don’t mind, Gary and co are waiting for me to take them off pause. You know how I don’t like to keep them waiting.”

  “Oh no, don’t you worry about me, I’ll be perfectly fine. You happily go off and pretend to be one of those Worldies, or whatever they like to call themselves.”

  “Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little head. I fully intend too.” She claps her hands excitedly before settling herself back down again. “Ten out of ten for getting out of the sex though. That shit beats your usual ‘I’m on my period’ excuse hands down.”

  “Don’t be jealous now. Green doesn’t suit you.”

  “Ha, jealous I am not. However, had you actually don’t the deed and shagged him senseless like he very much deserves, now that would be a completely different matter.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I mutter as I slowly and very carefully walk up the stairs. Oh, sod it. Maybe crawling would be better?

  Note to self, stick to shaving. Waxing is the Devil; the root of all evil.

  “How you feeling now?”

  Rachel’s delicate tones greet me as I hobble into the front room. “Sore.” I reply truthfully. As much as I wanted to, I never managed to make it back downstairs again last night after my bath. It was that soothing that I didn’t want to move, frightened that if I did then it would set the pain off again. Yet, weirdly my common sense decided to make an appearance and kicked in, reminding me that I’d probably be worse off if I got hypothermia. To tell you the truth, it wouldn’t be all that surprising really, I seem to be getting my right fair share of everything else; or so it seems.

  “There’s fresh coffee in the pot if you want some?”

  “Is the pope a catholic?” I ask and Rachel just rolls her eyes at my sarcasm. “I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you still doing here, anyway? I thought you would have been up, dressed and already at work by now?”

  “Well I would have been, but someone decided it would be a great idea to be a lazy cow and crawled out of bed late.”

  I look over to my best friend and wonder for a moment as to whether she actually has any brain cells left in that pretty little head of hers. “Sorry to disappoint, but in case you forgot, I don’t really have anything to get up for right now.”

  “See, now that’s where you’re wrong.” She stands up and the walks towards me with a really serious look on her face. Not today. I really can’t be doing with one of her lectures. I’d rather endure a major hangover than deal with the bullshit that’s about to come from her mouth. I love her and all, but sometimes she’s just too much for me to handle. However, seeing as though I’ve lost some of my mobility and speed, there’s no way that I’ll be able to get away from her fast enough, so I’ll just have to endure it.

  “Rach, if you’re going to start preaching at me, make it quick and please, for the love of God let me have my coffee first.”

  “Oh, I’ll be super quick about it, don’t you worry about that. Plus, if anything, you’ll need to be quick at getting ready once I’ve filled you in on all the details.”

  My eyes rise to meet hers, no matter how much I try to stop them. What the hell is she bloody harping on about? “Okay, I’m lost. Come on Rach, don’t talk in riddles. Help a girl out, at least.” I half plead with her while grabbing my coffee mug and preparing myself for what could be an overly long and cryptic speech.

  My eyes remain fixed on Rachel as I silently observe her. Rachel looks pretty nervous about something which isn’t like her at all. You can tell that she desperately wants to tell me something, but she doesn’t know how, or where to start. “Okay, before I start promise me you won’t get mad?”

  “So I’m obviously going to get mad if you start with something like that.”

  “Yes, probably. Maybe? Either way I just know that in the end you’ll be really happy and grateful that I did what I did though.”

  “Did what? Flaming hell. You’re not making any sense.” What the hell have I come down to here? I should have just stayed in bed. I’d probably get more sense out of my quilt at this rate. “Please just hurry up and tell me what you need to tell me. I’m still sore and my brains still half asleep.”

  “Well…” She shifts slowly from foot to foot and she can’t even look me in the eye. “Erm, okay… well, when you were out last night I thought I’d have a little whip around, you know to help you out a bit and then that’s one less thing for you to worry about…”

  “Okay… thanks.” I say gratefully. Rachel knows that I absolutely detest cleaning with a passion. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve contemplated hiring out a cleaner. Lazy I know, but I’m not afraid to admit that I have zero shame, none whatsoever and there are much more exciting things that I could be doing with my time, or at least there were.

  “I noticed a pile of post just shoved to the side, so I walked away because well, that’s your personal stuff and I’d never intrude you know that…” she pauses and bites down nervously on her lower lip.

  “Well no you shouldn’t have been snooping, you’re right there. But, I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you went right ahead and opened them all up anyway and had yourself a right good nosey?” Fortunately for me, we don’t really tend to keep things from each other, otherwise this could end up turning out pretty embarrassing. But, I don’t have anything to hide. Unless she’s stumbled across my most recent credit card bill. Do you know I actually think that’s due to arrive any day now, too? If it is my credit card bill that she’s harping on about then I just know that I’m about to get the grilling of a lifetime. If there’s one thing that gets Rachel’s
back up, it’s debt and reckless spending. Well, that’s two but you get my point.

  “I’m sorry.” She continues, without so much as giving my impending heart attack so much as a second thought. “I tried to leave them alone, really I did, but every time I walked away I had a nagging feeling that there was something really important hidden in there.”

  “And was there? I wouldn’t really count the gas and electricity statements as important, Rach.”

  “It’s not that, it’s…” She says and then goes quiet again. I know she doesn’t mean to, but she’s really starting to get on my tits a little.

  “For crying out loud.” I shout. I can’t take much more of this. She’s driving me insane going all around the houses like this. “Just tell me what it was.” She flinches back a little and she looks like I’ve just physically slapped her across the face. “Oh Rach, I’m sorry. I’ve hardly woken up and you’re chucking all this shit on me and won’t get to the bloody point.” I’m not a morning person, never have been and most probably never will be.

  “No, no, it’s fine. I should be the one saying sorry, but at the same time I’m not sorry.” She draws in a deep breath and then quickly says, “It’s about your suspension meeting with H.R. It’s this afternoon.”

  I’m frozen to the spot, fear rippling through my entire body, and I’m absolutely petrified of the unknown. “Well that was bloody quick, wasn’t it?” I say out loud and to no one in particular.

  “Surely that has to be a good thing?” Rachel smiles back at me, but it’s not a full, confident smile.

  “It does? How do you work that out then? None of this is good Rach. None of this should even be happening in the first place.”

  “I know, but surely if they’ve inspected everything and checked through all of their so-called evidence this quickly, then they mustn’t have anything on you. Hey, you never said if Mel got back to you the other day, has she heard anything?”

  “Shit. I completely forgot to send her my new number. Even if she has text me there’s no way that I’ll be able to read it as my screens too far gone.” I know my heads been all over the place, but how could I forget to send her my new number?

  “I’m sure she’ll get in touch soon enough. Plus, you need to think positive right now. Hopefully once you’ve been in, you’ll be back in the office without so much as another word said about it.” That’s Rachel, always trying to find the best in every possible situation. I wish I felt the same.

  “Oh, they’ll be words all right and lots of them. But first I want to know what I’ve supposedly done to deserve all this bullshit.”

  “And you will, but right now you need to head up those stairs and get a wriggle on because it starts at two o’clock.”

  I chance a quick look at the clock next to the tele and see that it’s almost twelve. I shouldn’t be all that surprised really, nothing’s ever simple with me at all.

  I arrive outside the office with around five minutes to spare. “Talk about cutting it finely.” I whisper to Rachel. I have never rushed upstairs, showered, and got dressed as fast as I did before for as long as I can remember.

  “You’re here now and you’re not late. That’s all that matters.” She gives my weak, limp and lifeless body a quick squeeze of encouragement, but I still feel numb. This is it. It’s all real and sooner or later I’m going to find out my fate. “Come on, let’s go and give them what for.”

  I really wish I had Rachel’s fiery attitude right now. But I don’t. Instead, I feel, well in all honesty I don’t know what I feel, but it’s definitely not me.

  Hopefully something will spark in me when I get inside the meeting, otherwise I’m going to be buggered. “After you.” Is all I can just about manage and I plaster on a really fake smile for Rachel’s sake. She’d kick my arse if she knew just how nervous I am. I don’t even know why because it’s not like I’ve got anything to prove to anyone, least of all Graham, because I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m one hundred percent sure of it.

  It feels weird to be walking into the building that I have spent most of my adult life, only to get out on a completely different floor. In all the years that I’ve worked here, never have I once had an incident where I’ve needed to go up to H.R’s floor. I always thought that was a pretty good thing, but today, here I am.

  As soon as the lift doors open, I find myself stood face to face with Graham. “Hi” I say with a smile, hoping that this time he might just be on my side. But boy am I wrong. He doesn’t even smile back, just gives me a quick nod and stands to the side so that I can exit the lift. What has gotten in to him? I try again to speak to him, but really I don’t know why I’m bothering. Rachel must sense my sudden discomfort as her hand clasps around mine and she tightens hers encouragingly; silently telling me that I’ve got this. I breathe in and then find the balls to speak again. “Are you not going to be in the meeting?”

  Graham just stares right above my head, point blank refusing to make eye contact with me like I’ve been a really naughty little girl and I’ve disappointed him beyond all reason. After a while, he replies with a flat “yes” and his jaw is clenched. Am I that much of a horrible person?

  “Okay, well I guess I’ll see you in there, then.” It’s like I’ve been abandoned; disowned. All for something that I don’t bloody know about. I’d undoubtedly have more chance of getting blood from a stone than getting him to let me in on what’s actually happened. It’s so unfair.

  Without another word, he steps inside the lift and I watch as the doors slowly close behind him.

  “I thought he just said he was going to be at the meeting?“ Rachel’s voice pulls me back to where I am and I’d love to be anywhere but here.

  “He did. Maybe he’s left something that he needs?” She shrugs back at and she smiles encouragingly.

  “Yeah, his balls and his common bloody sense.”

  “Emily, if you’d like to come on through?” A small, middle aged blonde lady appears from one of the side doors and looks at me pitifully. Well, that in itself tells me that this whole meeting is bad. Very bad.

  I nod back at her, pretending that I’m fine; that all this will be some huge messed up mistake and I’ll be back at my desk downstairs in a matter of minutes, just like Rachel said earlier. Pursing my lips together I smooth down my pencil skirt and do my best to hold my head high as I walk through the dark oak fire doors.

  The large room is intimidating. Especially the two strangers who are sat before me. Yes, they may smile at me, but that’s just being polite and it’s totally part of their job. God forbid if they’re evil to anyone, then they’d find themselves sat on the opposite end of the table.

  “Emily, I’m Stacey, head of Human resources and this is Neil, he’ll be scribing for us today.” It’s such a shame that this is happening, because she really does look like someone who I could natter to over a coffee in the staff room. Neil on the other hand looks bored shitless and would rather claw his eyeballs out than have to sit here and scribe for God knows how long. “We’ll get started as soon as Graham comes back, okay?”

  “You know I shouldn’t even be here. I haven’t done anything wrong.” I protest, but I know that it’s fallen on deaf ears straight away. I bet they hear this type of thing all the time, a bit like a judge in a courtroom. Bloody hell, if that’s the case then it looks like morbid Neil is my jury. I may as well take my lazy fat arse out of this chair and head home now. Stacey on the other hand just about manages to give me that pitiful smile again.

  Let’s face it. I’m fucked and there’s nothing that I can do about it apart from endure this pointless meeting. Everyone’s clearly already made their minds up about this whole little pickle that I’m in.

  Graham finally makes an appearance after ten awfully long minutes. The tension in the room is horrible, even Rachel seems uncomfortable and she’s usually fine in any situation. Yet instead, all she can do is nervously fiddle with her perfectly manicured nails. I’ve got no idea where she finds the time to
keep herself so pristine all the time. Maybe she could give me some pointers so I no longer look homeless.

  “It’s not looking all that good, is it?” I whisper to her.

  “Just keep your chin up and stay positive. Make sure you stand your ground too. Don’t let them intimidate you.” Her voice quivers as she rushes the words out. Great, how am I supposed to stay positive when my partner in crime knows fully well that all’s lost?

  I’ve got no idea why, but I try to make eye contact with Graham again when he takes his seat. I shouldn’t be all too surprised when he refuses to look at me again. I never took him for a coward, but then you always learn something new about people every day.

  “Okay, now that Graham’s here we can start.” Stacey says, shuffling a stack of papers in her hands. Neil on the other hand looks like he’d rather throw himself off this building, either that or he’s got his resting bitch face mastered to a tee.

  “I take it you know why we’re here today, Emily?” She starts.

  “Actually no. No I don’t and I’m kind of looking forward to finding out.” I say, before she can continue. My eyes burn into Graham as I say this, but again he seems to be too busy to look at me. “Come on,” I want to shout. Graham could pull this back if he wanted too. Why isn’t he stopping this mahoosive pile of ridiculous crap?

  Stacey looks at me before turning her attention to my once perfect boss and he shrugs, “I sent all the relevant paperwork out. All protocols were followed from this end.”

  He did? I sure as hell didn’t receive anything. I turn to Rachel and she gives me a glum look that I interpret to mean, “I didn’t get around to opening all your post.” “I’d just like to say in my defence that I haven’t received anything other than a letter regarding this meeting today.” If anything, I have to get my side across here.