The Amoral Hero

by Logan Jacobs

  They looked at the pile of luggage, which still contained seven pieces. That was at least another three trips for the boy, if not four.

  Then they looked at me. I kept my expression completely nonchalant, as if I didn’t give a damn either way.

  Janina reached out and touched Katrina’s elbow. Katrina glanced over at her twin and nodded briefly.

  “We’re not going to pay you in gold for a task that any decent man would have undertaken voluntarily anyway,” Janina snarled at me. “But, we’ll make you an offer. If you bring all the rest of the luggage in quick enough that we can still be served by the kitchen, we’ll buy you whatever you like for supper.”

  “And as much as I care to drink,” I added with a wag of my finger.

  “… Agreed,” Janina huffed.

  “Very well, it’s a deal,” I said cheerfully. “I’ll get the rest, kid, you run along and tell the cook I’ll have a slab of steak and a mountain of roasted potatoes to go with it.”

  Katrina passed the teenager a gold coin, which he accepted gratefully before heading back to the inn.

  The twins lingered for another moment to see how I would handle their luggage.

  I picked up the largest of their suitcases, which probably weighed about sixty pounds and which the kid had clearly been leaving for last. Then I shrank it down to the size of a handbag. Although the clothes inside couldn’t be seen, I knew that they had all shrunk proportionately, into corsets and petticoats tailored for tiny dolls that could fit in the palm of your hand. I picked up another suitcase and shrank it down to the same size, with both handles gripped in one hand. Soon I had three pieces in one hand and four in the other, and I wasn’t carrying any more than thirty pounds or so altogether.

  The twins stared at my luggage transportation strategy with tight lips and wide unblinking eyes but refrained from making any remark, probably because they didn’t want to give me the satisfaction. Then they whirled on their heels in unison and marched toward the inn. I followed behind them, so they couldn’t actually see the smirk on my face, but I was pretty sure they could sense it anyway.

  Dinner was delicious. And the girls spent the first fifteen minutes or so of it addressing each other by name and studiously ignoring my presence across the table from them, but then as soon as they got some warm food and wine into their stomachs, their spirits lifted considerably, and they forgot to sulk about the luggage incident.

  “Have you ever played poker?” Janina asked me curiously.

  “Never,” I answered.

  I’d played other card games with my siblings in our childhood, and sometimes we had wagered possessions of considerable value on them, like bows or falcons or jewel-studded watches. But that was back when none of our possessions really belonged to us anyway, when all of them had been gifts, and all of them could be revoked on a whim if we did anything to displease. Back before I had ever earned a single coin of my own, before I learnt how to value things by the blood, sweat, and toil that had gone into obtaining them.

  “Why not?” Katrina asked. “You ought to. You have the perfect face for it. You’re always just slightly smirking at everything. It’s absolutely infuriating, really.”

  “Because I don’t gamble,” I replied.

  “I never would’ve taken you for a religious type,” Janina purred.

  “I’m not,” I said.

  “Then why don’t you gamble?” Katrina asked. “You love money.”

  “Gambling has a lot more to do with losing money than winning it,” I replied.

  “Not if you do it right,” Janina said slyly.

  “Self-delusion brings gamblers to the table, and dumb luck has just as much influence as skill does in determining which rare exception walks away richer, and which inevitable majority walks away poorer,” I stated. “I don’t see how you can do something like that ‘right.’”

  The twins exchanged shifty glances, and I started to get a bad feeling in my gut about their card playing tactics. But they didn’t choose to enlighten me at that moment.

  “You know, you are a gambling man, Mr. Hale, whether you know it or not,” Janina said instead after a moment.

  “How so?” I asked with amusement as I tore a chunk off a leg of turkey with my teeth.

  “Well, every contract you take involves risk, doesn’t it?” she pointed out. “When you have to fight people to the death a lot of the time-- and strangers, people you’ve never met before-- well, I understand that a lot of it is based on your skill with a sword, but you can’t deny that chance plays a part in the outcome too. Factors that are beyond your control. Circumstances that you couldn’t have predicted.”

  “To be sure,” I agreed. “But on the whole, I take calculated risks with my contracts. And I have some idea beforehand of the respective ‘hands’ that my opponents and I have each been dealt, and if I don’t like my odds, then I don’t accept the job. And the rules of the game aren’t as arbitrary in the real world, and it’s harder for anyone to sustain a bluff.”

  “Why, I think you’re the gamblingest man I ever met,” Janina proclaimed with a laugh as she sipped from her wine glass.

  “If that’s so, I only play games primarily of skill, not ones primarily of luck,” I said.

  “That would make you a very dull man, and besides, it is a lie,” Katrina interjected. “You accepted our contract, and you hardly knew anything about us. Why, you still don’t!”

  “I think I understand you rather better than you realize,” I remarked.

  “Perhaps, and perhaps not,” Janina smirked.

  “Certainly not,” Katrina asserted. “But I must admit, you’re a tricky one to understand yourself. Sometimes I think you have a terribly simple nature, and other times I think you’re made up entirely of shadowy contradictions.”

  “Both descriptions are accurate,” I snickered.

  At that point, there was a loud scraping and then two thumps as two large men with ruddy complexions seated themselves at our table uninvited. I glanced over at them, and then at the twins in an unspoken question. Katrina was staring at the newcomers, her hand pressed over her heart with an expression of wide-eyed bewilderment, but Janina met my gaze and shook her head very slightly, with a faint smile on her lips. So I sat back and continued shoveling hot food down my gullet.

  “Howdy, I’m Jim,” one of the men said as he stuck his hand out at Katrina, who was sitting closest to him. He was wearing a blue vest with grease stains on it.

  “And I’m Jasper,” his companion announced as he extended his hand to Janina. They were rather similar looking, both bearing a striking facial resemblance to an overripe potato, but Jasper had buck teeth, whereas Jim did not. And Jasper’s vest was striped.

  “I don’t recall inviting you to sit with us,” Katrina said coolly without touching the hand that was offered. Janina likewise ignored Jasper’s hand.

  “Well, not too late to remember your manners, Miss,” Jim said with a chuckle, only to receive withering glares from both twins.

  “Begging your pardon,” Jasper said in a conciliatory manner. “It’s only that we couldn’t help noticing your winsome smiles from across the room, you see, and that was about all the invitation we needed. Couldn’t hardly help ourselves from coming over to make introductions after that, you know.”

  “Of course,” Katrina said. I didn’t think the two of them recognized the sarcasm in her voice. They seemed to think she was acknowledging that their explanation made sense.

  “You know, we’re, ah, we’re in town to prospect some land hereabouts,” Jim announced nervously. “We own a potencium mine over in Greenvale.”

  “Haven’t done too shabbily with it, if I do say so myself,” Jasper added as he leered at Janina, who grimaced in response.

  “So we’ve been pondering acquirin’ another,” Jim concluded. He eyed the twins for any signs of being impressed by this boast of wealth.

  They seemed like the kind of guys who might lie about being rich in order to bed women that
they knew very well they’d never have a chance with otherwise, but as I studied them, I decided that I actually didn’t think they were lying. Although both of their personal grooming standards left a lot to be desired, they weren’t dressed poorly. They were dressed in expensive clothes that had been chosen in painfully poor taste, and no amount of tailoring in the world could have done their figures any favors. But the silk of their neckties gleamed, the leather of their shoes shone, and the silver of their fob watch chains glinted.

  As I studied them, Jim and Jasper pointedly ignored my existence. They had seen the girls and how finely they were dressed, and how shabby I looked in comparison, and evidently concluded that I was not a threat to them. My sword, if they’d paid enough attention to notice it at all, wouldn’t have meant much to them, as they weren’t the type of men to live by the sword, they were the type of men who tended to operate under the assumption that any hint of violence would be quickly suppressed by the nearest lawmen.

  “How nice for you,” Katrina said.

  “Life has been good to us,” Jim agreed. “But you know what one thing it has failed to furnish us so far?”

  He leaned in uncomfortably close to Katrina, who winced, probably at the smell of his breath, but did not recoil.

  “I couldn’t possibly imagine,” she replied.

  “Wives,” he confided in her with a grin, as he placed his meaty hand over hers where it rested on the table. “Young ladies of suitable beauty, breeding, and temperament, to complete our households and our happiness with their feminine graces. To provide us with domestic bliss and, of course, the precious children that I so long to bring into this world.”

  I glanced over at Janina again when Jim pinned her sister’s hand like that, but once again, Janina subtly shook her head at me. So I just washed down a mouthful of sausage with a swig of beer.

  A moment later Katrina withdrew her hand of her own accord.

  “You are very forward, Sir,” she reproached Jim.

  “Well, you don’t make a fortune in the West by being timid, my dear,” he chuckled unapologetically. “No. This is the land of opportunity, and in order to prosper from it, when you see a valuable opportunity, you must seize it!”

  “I hope you’ll excuse my brother’s crude manner of expressing himself,” Jasper said to Janina. “It’s just the way he is. It’s his indomitable spirit shining through. Once you get to know him, you’ll understand that he is really the most sensitive of souls.”

  “I don’t doubt it in the least,” Janina said dryly.

  “So, what brings the two of you to town?” Jasper asked. “You are far finer ladies than anyone here has ever laid eyes on before, I’m sure. Like two tropical flowers dropped in a mud puddle.”

  “We are only passing through,” Katrina replied.

  “On your way to where, exactly?” Jim prompted. “All the decent towns are far east of here! Ladies like you don’t belong on the frontier at all, in truth. If I had a wife like you, I would set her up in a manor on the east coast.”

  “We’re heading to Sunderly for a poker tournament,” Janina told him.

  “Gambling is hardly a suitable pastime for ladies,” Jim said with some evident distress. “But I suppose it is quite understandable, given the tedium and hardship of frontier life, and the lack of superior sources of stimulation, such as ballroom dancing and piano playing. Do you own a piano? Perhaps we could purchase one for you.”

  “We do own a piano,” Janina said, “but I’m afraid that playing isn’t among my talents.”

  “There’s no need to be ashamed of it in the least,” Jim assured her jovially. “We can hire you a teacher. With a few months of steady practice, I am sure you can become the musical equal to any of the young ladies back in the Old World.”

  “We are returning to Greenvale tomorrow night,” Jasper informed the twins. “The two of you ought to accompany us as our guests.”

  “I know you will appreciate our home,” Jim said. “We would love to show you the humble empire that we have built for ourselves, out of the wilderness.”

  “The place is not worthy of you, yet, but the two of you will surely have many wonderful ideas to beautify it,” Jasper added.

  “It’s a very kind invitation, but I’m afraid we cannot miss our tournament,” Katrina said. “And Sunderly lies in an entirely different direction than Greenvale.”

  “Perhaps you don’t comprehend my meaning,” Jim said with a trace of annoyance. “We can offer you infinitely more than some disreputable poker tournament out in the middle of the desert. The winnings to be had there would pale in comparison with our one year’s income. We can offer you the kind of lives you deserve.”

  “Perhaps we’ll stop by some other time,” Janina said breezily.

  “Men like us can have any women we want,” Jim informed her. “And we want sensible-minded, respectable women who do not play coy games.”

  “Well, I wish you all the best in finding such women, then,” Janina replied as she stood up from her chair. “I find myself growing tired. I think I shall retire for the night.”

  “As will I,” Katrina agreed as she stood too. The two blonde beauties towered statuesquely over us for a moment. Then I rose out of my seat to follow them, and the two mine owners did too.

  “I hope I have caused no offense, but I have much more to say to you, so kindly sit back down,” Jim said.

  “My brother didn’t phrase it rightly, but we dearly wish to continue this promising acquaintance, and hope that you will not be so cruel as to cut it off so abruptly,” Jasper added.

  “Well, I’m afraid it’s quite late, and respectable ladies should be abed at this hour, so you must pardon us,” Katrina replied sweetly. Then she turned toward the stairs. Janina linked arms with her.

  “Surely you can make an exception for gentlemen like us--” Jim began furiously as he reached out his hand. I didn’t know which girl or which body part he intended to grab for, but I didn’t wait to find out. I inserted myself between the mine owners and the twins and seized Jim’s wrist to trap his grasping hand in midair.

  “Surely, gentlemen wouldn’t attempt to pursue ladies to their room after they had excused themselves from company,” I hissed.

  “How dare you touch me!” he spat as he tried to wrench his hand from my grasp. All he succeeded in doing was a rather undignified dance, in which almost every part of his rotund body moved vigorously except for that particular wrist.

  “Perhaps it was a mistake on my part,” I acknowledged.

  Jim’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Yes, a gross mistake--”

  “Perhaps I misjudged your intentions,” I continued. “Perhaps you were not attempting to follow these young ladies back to their room at all. Perhaps both you and your brother were simply rising from the table in order to seek the outhouse.”

  I placed my free hand on the hilt of my sword. If Jim and Jasper hadn’t noticed it hanging from my belt before, they sure as hell did now. I saw Jasper swallow visibly, and Jim’s complexion turned a blotchy purple.

  “Is that the case?” I inquired.

  “I don’t know who you think you are,” Jim sputtered. He looked around the room, probably hoping to find supporters. The commotion had indeed attracted the attention of some other patrons, although there weren’t many left in the dining room at that hour, but they were simply eyeing us over the rims of their drinks, and looked rather more inclined to spectate any potential fight that broke out than to intervene to stop it.

  Jasper was looking rather nervous. His buck teeth were showing even more than usual due to his grimace, and he seemed to be begging Jim with his widened eyes not to proceed.

  “The girls, I’m not sure they’d really be the most suitable matches for us in any case,” he remarked.

  Jim merely huffed out a furious breath in response. I knew that at this point he coveted the Elliott twins at least partially because of their resistance to his advances.

  “I’m not going to ask a
gain,” I stated as I tightened my grip on his wrist until I felt a few of the bones pop. “You simply got up to head to the outhouse. Is that right?”

  “Yes, that’s right,” Jasper squeaked as he hovered beside us.

  I didn’t break eye contact with Jim, who was practically shaking with suppressed rage and helplessness. Even I didn’t get my way all the time. It was pretty absurd that this boorish potato of a man still hadn’t learned to accept that he wouldn’t always get his way. After half a minute he finally, grudgingly, nodded his head in surrender.

  I released his wrist. The mine owners trudged away. I turned and climbed the stairs that the twins had already disappeared at the top of.

  The twins were waiting for me outside their room. Mine was the one next door to theirs.

  “You took care of them?” Katrina asked.

  I nodded.

  “Are they dead?” Janina asked casually.

  “What!” I exclaimed. “I’m not going to go killing a couple of moneybags in the middle of a crowded dining room in cold blood and thereby necessitate our immediate flight from the legal consequences. Not right after we already carried all your damn luggage up the stairs, anyway.”

  “Ah, well, more’s the pity,” Janina sighed.

  “If you wanted this to be a bloody rampage through the West, rather than a peaceful expedition, then you should’ve packed lighter,” I informed her.

  “I don’t see why you object so strongly to women making an effort to look their best,” Katrina sniffed.

  I refrained from commenting that in my opinion, attractive women tended to look better with fewer clothes, not more of them.

  “But anyway, good night, Valiant Protector,” Janina said wryly. “We’ll meet you for breakfast at dawn.”

  “At dawn?” Katrina repeated. “Do we really have to rise that early?”

  She glanced down at the fob watch in her hand. The glint of silver caught my eye. Then I realized that the watch was familiar, but not because I’d ever seen it in Katrina’s possession before. It was a man’s watch, after all. One man in particular’s watch, who was currently suffering from a rotten temper and a sore wrist.