The Way Down

by Alexandria Hunt

  She also didn’t think she deserved somebody like David. He had grown into a stunningly handsome man, completely unexpected and different than the gangly boy she had once almost been sweet on in grade nine…until Tom of course.

  But despite David’s amazing body, his cool confidence and his easy laughter…it was his kindness she was most attracted to. The way he was with the kids, the gentle way he listened when she talked, and the soft hands he had when handling the horses.

  Tom wasn’t gentle at all and ruined many a mount by sawing away on their mouths, demanding they obey rather than ask.

  She heard the front screen door slam and drained the sink. She wiped her wet hands on her mother’s apron and hung it on the hook she’d seen her mom use a million times growing up.

  She paused and rubbed the hook, a little ritual she’d had since she was thirteen years old and a drunk driver had taken her mother’s life one bitterly cold December evening. She and her dad had barely survived, rattling around in their big drafty house, the weight of their shared anguish silencing them. Their mutual longing, for wife, for mother, had built a wall between them then and she hadn’t dared breech it in the years since.

  She thought she might have died had it not been for David’s friendship through it all. She might have gone out into the night and curled up in a snow bank and let herself follow her mother to the other side.

  But David had saved her back then, as she wanted him to save her now but knew she couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t bring him into her crazy, broken world.

  “I brought Dilly Bars,” David announced as he entered the kitchen, “they’re still your favourite, aren’t they?”

  The air moved when he walked, breezed behind him on a wave of musk and soap, as if reluctant to leave him. She could understand why, he was delicious.

  She pursed her mouth instead, gave him a disapproving grunt and said, “It’s too late, I don’t want the kids all hyped up on sugar right before bed.” They still were her favourite and she was practically drooling thinking about the chocolate covered ice cream. She hadn’t had one for years.

  “I’ll take them for a little hike, that’ll wear them out,” David replied and smiled. That killer smile, it was so hard to say no to that smile.

  She couldn’t. “Fine,” she said, “but they really should be in bed before nine. They’re starting school tomorrow.”

  “Mom said yes!” Zach yelled from behind David. She hadn’t seen him there, the little sneak. She had to suppress a smile when she heard Sophie’s excited squeal from the living room. “You’re the best, thanks mom!”

  “You really are,” David said and winked as he tore open the box of ice cream bars.

  “You don’t know me that well then,” she replied and instantly regretted how dry and cracked her voice sounded. She missed the girl she used to be, easy to laugh with a voice rich and full of wonder.

  “I know you better than you think,” he replied and stared at her. His face was unreadable, perhaps the slightest hint of a challenge there, but Abbey turned away.

  “I’d better get some wet napkins, the kids will make a mess,” she said and turned back to the sink. She heard him leave and held onto the counter for a moment to steady herself. The look in his eyes had been more than a challenge, it had been a promise. Of what, she wasn’t certain, but the effect it had on her had been instantaneous. Her heart was racing and her head felt light with anticipation.

  Stop this, she thought, he doesn’t deserve to be dragged through your shitty dysfunction.

  And you don’t deserve a man like him, a sibilant voice whispered, snaking its way through her subconscious. It sounded like Tom, and there was a deep part of Abbey that believed it. She didn’t believe a man like David, who had kind eyes and a beautiful smile, would ever truly love her once he knew her.

  She deserved the boots to the stomach and the punches where the bruises could be hidden. She deserved Tom’s hair trigger anger and quick temper; she deserved to sweat in thirty-degree heat because she wore long sleeves to hide how much she deserved his blows.

  She got a few damp paper towels, ignored the voice and promised herself to at least be happier, but alone. She would forever be alone.

  David’s feet dragged through the dry grass behind her and the kids ran ahead, laughing and jumping through the field like the deer they’d seen several times now.

  She could feel his eyes watching her as she picked her way through the tall stalks, the field her dad had left uncut since her mom’s death. Years and years now, and yet each spring he said the hay grew stubbornly, defiantly. Every other field needed careful tending, seeding and fertilizing, but not this one. Not her mom’s field.

  She didn’t know why he left it uncut, she always assumed he was a little nuts, but now that she had grown up she wondered if they had shared a special time here. She shuddered to think of it, nobody wanted to think of her parents as young and sexual, but it brought her comfort to know that her dad had such love in his life.

  “Do you think my dad will ever move on?” she asked back to David.

  “I doubt it,” he replied, “there was a woman hanging around here a couple years back, and your dad became the master at telling her no. It was hilarious and tragic, although I suppose all tragedy originally had some hint of humour.”

  She stopped in her tracks, turned and looked at him. “Why I do declare Lizzie,” she said with a grin and mock southern accent, “grade ten English class stuck with you after all. Must have been all my tutoring.”

  He grinned back, ran his hand through his thick hair and said, “Well, I reckon I didn’t actually need that tutoring. You know I was doing university level distance courses from grade nine on, don’t you?”

  She did not, and she was shocked. She’d always thought of him as a mediocre student. His report cards were always excellent, but she had taken credit for it, for rescuing him from his ignorance and bringing the gift of learning to him. Like some kind of early missionary, uplifting a tribe from the dark ages.

  “Get out,” she replied, “no way. I saved your ass. Why did you come over so much if you knew it all already?”

  His grin went a little lopsided and her heart jumped before he even answered. She knew why, on some level in some memory, she knew why he made the trek to her place through rain and snow, to sit at her kitchen table and go over the day’s homework.

  David had been sweet on her back then, starting in seventh grade, the year his family moved here from Saskatchewan.

  She supposed she’d liked him too, but hadn’t had time to develop anything before Tom arrived on scene and crashed into her world. After her mother’s death, town had been so suffocating that Tom had seemed like a way out, a way to escape the dreary, dark house with her and her dad choking on their grief year after year.

  “Well,” he said and sighed, “I reckon I wanted to be near you.” He stared at her with those gorgeous violet eyes in his gorgeous grown up face. He stared and she could feel the heat behind his words, the carefully contained passion that she wasn’t ready to acknowledge.

  “That’s pretty silly,” she said and laughed light heartedly, “we were just friends.” She turned around again and kept walking. Her heart raced but her subconscious whispered in Tom’s voice that he was probably laughing at her, that he had fooled her because, as Tom always said, she wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box.

  Looking at the things he’d done the entire marriage that she’d never caught onto. Not really. She’d known what he was up to but never admitted it to herself or anyone else.

  “Hey you two,” David yelled from behind her, “don’t go too far ahead, there’s a bear in the area remember. He’s trying to fatten up for winter and he’d love nothing more than a couple of tasty kids.”

  Abbey glanced back and smiled. He was very protective, it warmed her heart to see him care about her kids. Tom’s kids. They probably should have been David’s, if things had gone the right way back then.

  Zach and
Sophie laughed at David as he pretended to be a bear and chased them for a few steps. Abbey loved hearing their giggles, it seemed in the time they’d been there a weight had been lifted from all of them.

  David came back to walk beside her, their hands accidently on purpose brushing up against each other as they made their way towards a small copse of trees.

  They settled under a tall Cottonwood and watched Zach and Sophie kick an old soccer ball around. Abbey finally flopped down in the long grass beside David and let him stand guard. It felt nice to have another responsible adult around, even if he did funny things to her stomach and made her heart race. She needed to focus on getting over Tom and helping the kids, not acting like some lovesick teen.

  “I’ll be gone for a few days,” he announced as she half dozed in the dimming light.

  “Okay,” she replied, not wanting to ask for more information…not wanting to make him think he owed her more information. She needed to treat him like a friend, and friends didn’t pry into each other’s personal lives.

  “I’m helping sort cows out at Marta’s place. She owns a cattle ranch out Sunset Mountain way. She’s got nobody else, so somehow I ended up being her part time cowhand,” he told her, offering more information than she cared for.

  Who the hell is Marta, she thought but forced herself to sound uninterested when she replied, “Oh yeah, sounds like fun.” She didn’t open her eyes, she didn’t want him to see how jealous she felt right now. Marta was such an exotic name. She didn’t want to think of the dark haired beauty he’d be spending his days with.

  “It’s pretty far out, and long days, so I’ll stay out there,” he continued, oblivious to her growing anger. “She’s a mean cook though, so it’s not all bad,” he added with a laugh.

  “That’s awesome, good for you,” Abbey replied and chewed on the stem of a piece of hay. She knew she didn’t have the right to be jealous, and she didn’t know where this fire was coming from. Tom fucked around constantly and beyond the public humiliation, she’d barely thought about it twice.

  Even the first time she’d found out, she had been more upset at being lied to than the thought of him inside of another woman. Right now her jealousy felt red-hot, she didn’t want David to go to another woman even though she couldn’t give him what he needed.

  “Are you going to be okay?” he asked and she felt him lean over her to gauge her reaction.

  She opened her eyes, sat up and said, “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” She stood abruptly, brushed off her jeans and added, “It’s getting late and that bear might be around. We should head back.”

  He stood beside her, reminding her of how tall he was, how lean and well muscled he was, and how much he wasn’t hers.

  You don’t deserve him, that damn voice whispered again and continued snaking through her head all the way back to the house and kept her quiet until his lights cut the darkness as he left their place. She stood by the window and watched him until she couldn’t see them any longer. She might have lingered a few moments longer, hoping against the odds to see them turn back.

  She turned to go to bed and caught her dad watching her. She caught a weight of sorrow in his eyes, and she wondered if he was missing her mom after seeing her mooning over David like that.

  She continued up the stairs and made a tiny wish that she would eventually experience even one tenth of the love her parents had between them. If only she wasn’t such a disaster that drove David towards another woman, she might have a chance.

  She fell into bed with thoughts of an exotic beauty with a cattle ranch and Tom’s voice whispering that only a woman like Marta deserved a man like David.

  Zach’s first day of school was a little nerve wracking, but mostly for Abbey. Zach seemed excited by the prospect of making new friends, and didn’t even blink when she dropped him off in their old beat up truck. She had lain awake the night before worrying that he wouldn’t want to be seen as poor, but luckily most of the parents were in modest vehicles. Hers did not stand out in the least.

  She and Sophie walked him to the classroom, but about ten feet away he dashed off as if embarrassed to be seen with his family. She sighed and supposed it was simply the age.

  “Don’t worry, he’ll be just fine,” a woman said next to her.

  “I know that, he’s always fine,” Abbey replied, “I guess I was hoping for a little more of a good bye.”

  “Is he going into third grade?” the woman asked.

  “Yes, he is,” Abbey said, “even though it feels like yesterday he was my little cuddler and now he wants nothing to do with me.”

  “It’s the age,” the woman laughed, “have you met Mrs. Barden? She’s really fantastic with the boys. Keeps them on their toes and pays attention to any who seem to be struggling. My name’s Julia by the way. I’m Logan’s mom. He’s in the same class.”

  “Abbey, and that’s Zach,” she replied, “and this is Sophie. We’re taking her to grade one.” Sophie gave a shy wave from Abbey’s side.

  “Did you just transfer in?” Julia asked and they turned to walk back down the hall towards Sophie’s classroom. Abbey remembered going here back in the day, she could probably find her class photo on the walls if she tried. She didn’t remember it being so cramped or smelling of mildew. It was an old building though, and the only one accepting new students.

  “We did, from Calgary,” Abbey replied, “moved just a few weeks ago.”

  “What brought you to our little town?”

  “I grew up here, got tired of the big city…you know the drill,” Abbey said and grinned, hoping she’d end this line of questioning.

  “Did your hubby get a job at the mill?” Their town’s main industry was tied up in wood products, either logs or pulp. It was a good guess, coming back to town because of a job in one of the several mills.

  “No, he stayed in Calgary,” Abbey bit the bullet and added, “I left him.”

  “Oh god, I’m sorry,” Julia said and the sympathy in her voice shattered the illusion that Abbey might be normal. Abbey cringed inwardly at the reaction, being a single mother wasn’t the worse thing that could happen after all. Being dead might just trump singledom.

  “It’s okay,” Abbey said and smiled as she edged towards the Sophie’s classroom, “it’s for the best really. Thanks for the info though, I’m sure I’ll see you after school.”

  She darted inside the class, dragging Sophie with her. She chatted with Sophie’s teacher and Sophie found her seat. She paused at the doorway and smiled, Sophie was already chatting it up with two little girls. Out of her two children, she worried about Sophie less than Zach.

  She left the school and was almost in tears when she got back to the big, green beast she was the proud owner of. She felt a flash of shame for such a shitty vehicle, for being single, for leaving her husband. She felt so alone.

  She got in, started the old truck and straightened her back as she drove to her Dad’s. She decided to spend an indulgent day lounging in the yard on the old swing her Dad had hung years and years ago. She read a book and enjoyed the sunshine and silence of the farm. It was nice to be home again.

  And husband or no husband, it was a good day.

  After school she stayed in the truck to avoid Julia and waited for Zach and Sophie to find her in the parking lot. She did see Julia, who gave her a friendly wave as she walked by, but Abbey wasn’t quite ready to talk to the other woman yet.

  “So how was it?” she asked the moment the kids climbed in. He shrugged out of his backpack and dragged the seatbelt across him.

  “It was awesome!” he yelled and launched into a lengthy description of every single boy he’d made friends with that day.

  Sophie chattered in her other ear about the friends she’d made, and both kids seemed completely happy with their new school.

  Abbey smiled and listened as she drove, pleased that they were adjusting to their new lives and obviously making new friends. It warmed her heart to know they would do just f
ine in spite of the fact that their father was so far away.

  She made a mental note to email the teacher later to check up on Zach though, just to make sure he was fully truthful.

  “I can’t wait to tell David about the fort we built at lunch,” Zach said after his listing off his new best friends.

  “He’ll be gone for a couple of days,” she told him and ignored the lurch her heart gave. Gone with the exotic Marta, she thought and stared straight ahead, hands on the wheel.

  “When’s Dad coming to see us?” Zach asked and Abbey glanced at him. He was making an effort to appear casual about it, but was chewing on the skin on his finger. This was a sure sign of stress.

  “I’m not sure, sweetie,” Abbey replied, her voice just a little too bright. “Let’s see if Grandpa has the horses saddled yet,” she added as they pulled into the long driveway up to the farmhouse.

  Zach took the change in direction seemingly without a second thought. Abbey, however, also wondered why the fuck her ex hadn’t called them yet. His radio silence made her nervous, she was certain he would pop up somewhere at the worst time, and remained mentally prepared. The problem with being constantly vigilant was that she felt exhausted all the time, just waiting for him.

  She walked to the barn behind Zach and Sophie and smiled at the kids’ easy laughter. If only she could shed their old life as easily as they appeared to. It wasn’t that easy though, not knowing when your violent ex was going to spring into action.

  And she knew he would spring at some point. Her deeper thoughts flitted to David, and how he would probably know how to protect them. She shook it off and focused on what the kids were saying. The thought lingered though, and knowing she wouldn’t see him today left her with a sliver of sadness.

  The was replaced by a stab of jealousy when she imaged him and Marta right now, riding together, working together, eating together…and possibly sleeping together. She suppressed her jealous snit and took a deep breath.