A Dish of Stones

by Valentina Hepburn

  “At least they let you have the child, Joe. That’s something isn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed. “That’s something. But I wanted her as well, Marie. She was like no woman I’d ever met. When Dad died she was so good to me. She looked after me and gave me comfort and I would’ve married her, but I wasn’t good enough, not according to her mother anyway.”

  “What about her father? I thought you said he was all right.”

  “Oh, he was OK. I got on better with him. He gave me the baby and told me to take him away as far as I could. I think her mother would’ve had Daniel adopted if I hadn’t threatened to tell everyone. Diana should’ve been tougher but she just wasn’t like that. She was too much of a lady.” He looked sad at the thought of her and what he’d lost. “But that mother of hers, Christ she was a bitch. And didn’t I go and marry a girl just the same.”

  “You’re just going to have to be careful in the way you tell him. You were young Joe, so young, not twenty-three when you brought him to Kenny and me. It wasn’t all your doing now was it? What about his mother? She gave him up didn’t she? She couldn’t have put up much of a fight to keep the little lad. She should have kept him and raised him as we’ve done. I’m not saying we didn’t love him, because we did, still do. Kenny and I thought of him as our own but the fact is you’re his father and he has two sisters and a stepmother in England. And a real mother. You have to give him the choice, Joe. You’re taking his freedom of choice away by not telling him. He has to know and the sooner the better.”

  She paused to take a breath feeling saddened that Joe had lost so much. He’d even lost his family in England because he’d run out on them too and she thought it was high-time he faced up to it. “Will you go back, Joe? Will you go back to your family?” He nodded. “One day I’ll go back and see my girls. I miss them so much, especially Katie.” A dark cloud crossed his face when he thought guiltily of all the letters his daughter had written that he’d returned unopened. He couldn’t bring himself to read the contents.

  Marie got up and went over to him, putting her arms round him. “Don’t feel bad, little brother,” she said softly. “I know you were devastated when little Michael died and I know how long it took you to get over it. Let’s face it, there’s not a man on earth who’s perfect. I’ve never met him anyway and I wouldn’t like to. What a boring old sod he must be.” She reached into a spice-drawer in the centre of the huge pine dresser and took out a folded lace handkerchief. “You should wish on this,” she said. “That’s what you told me to do when Kenny went into the army all those years ago. He came back to me, didn’t he? Just like you said he would.”

  Astounded, Joe took the handkerchief from her and unfolded the lace carefully. Inside were the remnants of a dandelion clock, picked years before and kept for love in a lace hanky. “You kept this? After all this time, you still have it? Why, Marie?” She sighed, her eyes brimming with tears as her thoughts went to her dead husband.

  “You’re my little brother, Joe. When you gave it to me you believed. How could I not, when you had such a conviction? I believed in it because I wanted it to be true and because I dearly loved the little boy who gave it to me. My best memories are wrapped in that handkerchief, your parting gift to me before you went to England with Mam and Dad. I will always keep it if you still believe in it. Say you do. Say you’ll go back and find your family, those girls who still love you and miss you as I did when you left. Let Daniel embrace his real life. He’s like you, a man who needs to find his truth and to decide whether or not he can live with it.”

  Joe wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “If I can find the courage I will go back; back to face the music and her anger.” He closed his eyes and Angie appeared in front of him; laying down the law; dissolving any love he’d had for her. He shuddered and opened his eyes again, hardly bearing the sight of her even in his imagination. “If I find the courage.”

  Chapter 37

  “What d’you mean you’re moving out? Moving where exactly?”

  “To the commune.”

  Kate’s mouth dropped open in horror and then she grinned. “Very funny, Emma. The commune. I never know when to believe you or when you’re having me on. You're good I'll say that for you. You had me believing you there for a minute.”

  Emma picked Christina up from the floor where she had been sitting on her play-mat. At almost a year-old she was a chubby, healthy baby who giggled constantly. She wriggled in Emma’s arms, wanting to be put back on her mat to play with her toys. Emma snuggled her face into Christina’s neck. “She smells so lovely,” she said, smiling at her daughter. She held Christina up and she gleefully kicked her legs. “And you’re getting heavy, little lady. I won’t be able to do that for much longer.” Emma placed her back on her mat and immediately Christina picked up a soft-toy and began chewing it. “She’s a devil for that. Everything’s wet these days where she sucks her toys. Who’d have thought the tiny scrap I brought home from the hospital would turn into this beautiful little girl?” Kate smiled at them. Her sister had exceeded her expectations as far as motherhood was concerned. Emma doted on her daughter. She finished her coffee and went into the kitchen to clear away the tea things.

  She’d been glad to get back from work. All day she’d felt under the weather. She'd had a thumping headache all afternoon and her throat was sore. Bet it’s the ‘flu, she thought. Great. Even her manager at Kendalls had commented on how peaky she was. “You don’t look well, Kate,” she’d said. “Where’s that beautiful smile today?”

  “Yeah, I do feel a bit odd, you know, a degree under, and my head’s thumping.”

  “It could be the ‘flu. We’ve had three people call in sick today with it. Perhaps it’s your turn. We like sharing at Kendalls.” Kate had smiled at the joke but hadn't really felt like it.

  Emma joined her in the kitchen, a squirming Christina in her arms. “Are you OK? You don’t look well.”

  “Just a bit under that’s all. I’ll have a soak in the bath and get an early night. I expect that’ll sort it out,” she said, trying not to meet Emma’s gaze.

  “I meant what I said, Kate, about moving out.”

  Kate looked at her and shook her head, annoyed at Emma for rocking their little boat again. “You can’t seriously be planning to take Christina there. Have you lost the plot or what? It’s a dump.”

  “It’s not a dump,” Emma said. “I know it doesn’t look very good from the outside but inside it’s brilliant. Everyone mucks in and helps everyone else. It’s the perfect place for me to be.” She paused when she realised how much this would hurt her sister. “I didn't mean...”

  “Thanks a bunch, Emma. After everything me and Jack have done for you. You must be crazy. What I don’t understand is, why? Everything's perfect. We’ve got money coming in now. The house is straight and Christina’s happy here. Why d’you want to give all that up for a commune?” She'd found a bottle of cough-mixture in the corner of one of the cupboards and she slammed it down on the worktop in frustration. “Anyway...you don’t like hippies. Ages ago you said they were the scum of the earth; parasites living off everyone else. So what’s changed your mind, Emma?”

  She washed the crockery at a furious rate, impatiently loading the plates into the soapy water. She’s so bloody selfish, she thought. Self, self, self all the time. She couldn't care less about how other people feel. “Oh, hang on a minute.” She dried her hands on a towel and ran some water into the kettle banging it angrily down onto the hob. “It’s a bloke isn’t it?” Emma didn’t answer.

  Kate took a mug out of the cupboard and put in a teaspoon of sugar. Then she sliced a lemon and put in two slices along with four cloves. When the kettle boiled she filled the mug with the hot water and swirled the concoction round until it was ready. Placing her hands around the mug she sipped the lemon and clove water as hot as she could take it. Emma sat Christina on the floor and began drying the wet crockery. Laying the tea towel over the draining board to dry, she leant against the
fridge, folding her arms in defiance.

  “You’ll be married soon, Kate,” she said. “You won’t want us around then, will you?” Kate looked exasperated. “Have I ever said I don’t want you around? And what’s all this about me getting married. Why d’you say that? Whenever have you heard me mention it?”

  “Come on, Kate, who’re you trying to kid. I know Jack wants to marry you, it’s written all over him. Aunty Ivy and Uncle Ray would like nothing better. I bet they’re pushing him an’ all.”

  “Thanks very much, Emma. I’m sure Jack has a mind of his own. He’s his own person. He doesn’t have to seek his mum and dad's approval. He’s a grown man. He’ll only do something if he really wants to.”

  “So why won’t you let me be my own person and let me do what I think is right. I'll be eighteen soon. I’m not a baby anymore and I’m a mother as well.” She paused. “I can’t live with you for the rest of my life, Katie. I have to strike out and do what I think is best even if you think it isn’t. At least there I won’t be on my own. There are twenty other people living there. It’s a huge place. They grow all their own vegetables and make things. They’re practically self-sufficient, but the important thing is I’ll be with other people. I don’t want to live on my own, Kate. I couldn’t bear it.”

  “But you’re not on your own, Emma, you never will be, I’ll see to that. Any plans I have must include you and Christina. This time we’ve had with her has been the happiest time of our lives. We’re all right now and we’re a family. You’re the only family I’ve got and I don’t want you to leave.” Emma picked Christina up from the floor where she had been playing and cuddled her. “You don’t want Christina to leave you mean.”

  Kate pushed past Emma and went into the sitting-room. Emma followed slowly behind. “There’s another reason why I think it would be best for me to go my own way now.” Kate looked up at her, wondering what was coming next. Emma put Christina into her cot and rubbed her hand across the little girl’s hair. “I’m pregnant.”

  Kate slumped back into her chair and closed her eyes. Their lives had changed so much over the last two years and now it was about to change again. She hadn’t even contemplated something like this. She suddenly felt nauseous and ran upstairs to the bathroom. Minutes passed as Emma waited for Kate to come back downstairs. She glanced over at her daughter in her cot. Christina had drifted off to sleep so she went upstairs to find Kate. Her door was firmly shut.

  “Kate, can I see you. Please Kate, I need to speak with you. Please don’t shut me out like this. We’ve always been able to talk.” She didn’t wait for an answer. When she opened the door, Kate was sitting at her dressing table with a book open in front of her. Emma sat on the end of her bed looking puzzled. “What’s that?”

  “It’s a pressing of a dandelion clock. Dad gave it to me when I was thirteen. He told me if I ever needed him or wanted something badly I should wish on my dandelion clock and whatever I wished for would happen. I pressed it in this book and kept it ever since. That’s how much I believed him. I thought he was the most wonderful person ever and I truly believed anything would come true if I wished on my dandelion clock. Fat chance.”

  She broke the pressing in half and crumbled the dried seed-head in her hand until all that remained was a small pile of dust lying in the folds of the book. Taking the book to the window she pulled the bottom half up and blew out the dust with one blow. The wind lifted it and carried the dust off in a trail until it dispersed.

  “There,” she said, pulling the window down. “That’s where it belongs. In the gutter. I must’ve been stupid to believe a pathetic dried up old thing could keep us safe. It’s just voodoo. You’ll get used to things like that. You’ll be seeing a lot of it where you’re going and more besides I shouldn’t wonder.”

  She lay down on her bed and rested her head on the cool cotton pillowcase. Emma sat next to her and held her hand. “I’m so sorry, Kate. I know I’ve let you down...we all have in a way. Mum and Dad should’ve told us about Michael and I shouldn’t have done the things I did, but Greg’s a good man. Our baby was made with love, it isn’t like last time. I want you to meet Greg. I know you’ll like him. He’s nothing like Stephen, thank God. When I told him about the baby he was overjoyed. He’s a bit older than me but he’s really loving and caring and he loves Christina.” She paused, falling silent as Kate cried. “I don't want you to go.”

  “I have to take this chance, Kate. Please be happy for me. I know I haven’t always done things in the right way but this is right, I promise you.”

  Kate leant up on her elbows. She smiled and squeezed Emma’s hand. “It’s all right, Em’,” she said gently. “I'm just being selfish. You must do whatever you think is best for you and the babies. You’ll always have my support you know that.” Emma nodded and kissed Kate’s cheek. She pulled an eiderdown across her and smoothed her hand across her feverish forehead. “You’re not well, Katie. I don’t want you to move out of this bed until you’re properly better. It’s my turn to look after you so go to sleep. In the morning I’ll go to Kendalls and tell them you’re not well.”

  Kate closed her eyes as sleep overtook her, too poorly to argue. Soon she was sleeping peacefully. Emma quietly left the room and went back to her daughter. Their lives were changing yet again and she knew how much it would hurt Kate if she lost Christina. She deserves better, Emma thought. She’s been so wonderful to Christina and me. Perhaps it’s up to me to make sure she gets what she deserves.

  ***

  Emma wheeled Christina's pushchair through the double wrought-iron gates of Meadow’s End. The spring afternoon had brought with it a feeling of complete renewal and she felt a surge of happiness. In one-week’s time she would be starting a new life with Greg at the commune.

  She pushed Christina up to the large front door and lifted the heavy iron knocker, letting it fall against the door with a resounding clang. She waited for a few moments then heard the key turning in the lock. Diana Barton opened the door, her face lighting up with surprise and delight when she saw them.

  “Emma. What a surprise. It's lovely to see you. Come in.” Emma hesitated. “Is Stephen here? If he is I'll visit another day.”

  “It’s only Matthew and me.” Again, Emma hesitated. “Don’t worry,” she said. “It’s high-time he met his beautiful little granddaughter.”

  Diana helped Emma lift the pushchair over the threshold. Emma unstrapped Christina from the seat, gently removing the little girl’s floral jacket and lifting her into Diana’s arms.

  “We’re in the study,” Diana said.

  Matthew Barton sat behind his desk with both feet resting on the top and a steaming coffee cup at his left hand. Diana walked into the room with Christina, but Emma stood uncomfortably in the doorway. “Matthew, we have visitors.” Matthew glanced up and his face fell when he saw them. “What’s she doing here?”

  “Emma's brought our grandchild to see us.”

  “She’s no grandchild of mine,” he said. “What do you want now?” he asked, looking directly into Emma’s eyes. “What’s your price never to come here again?”

  Emma looked at the floor. She didn’t want to be rude to Matthew because of her respect for Diana. “We should go. It was a mistake to come here.”

  “It certainly was young lady.”

  “Stop it, Matthew. If you drive my granddaughter away from us I'll never forgive you. You have to accept who she is. Stephen has lied and you know it. You’re an intelligent man, Matthew, but not astute enough to recognise the failings of your own son? Christina is your granddaughter. Look at her Matthew. Look at her closely. Who does she remind you of?” Matthew looked away.

  “You’re frightened to look aren’t you? You’re scared of what you know you'll see? Please, Matthew. Look at her.”

  Matthew reluctantly turned his gaze towards Christina. He saw her fluffy blonde hair and the dazzling green eyes that darted here and there with childlike wonder. He turned away again, shaking his head. “I d
on’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Diana placed Christina into Emma’s arms, picked up the telephone receiver and dialled. Matthew stared at her with astonishment. “What are you doing?”

  “Hello, darling, it’s Diana. I’ve someone here who would like to speak with you. I don’t have to tell you who it is, do I?” She passed the receiver across to Matthew who took it from her, his body on automatic pilot. “Hello.” Emma watched in amazement as Matthew’s stern face crumpled. She looked in bewilderment over to Diana. “Go to the drawing room, Emma, second on the right down the hall. I’ll join you soon.” She went over to Matthew and placed a gentle hand on his back.

  “I’m so sorry, Mum,” he said to Lily, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you in all these years. Can you ever forgive me?”

  ***

  Diana found Emma standing by the window looking out onto the meadow which as nature intended had replenished and come into flower. Christina crawled over to Diana who picked her up and cuddled her. “You’ve brought happiness with you into this house today, Emma. Isn’t it funny the way things turn out?” Emma frowned. “What did we do?” Diana put Christina on to her hip and walked across to the window. “You helped me make a decision – one I’ve been struggling with for a very long time – and now things are as they should be. You and your sister, and Christina of course,” she said tickling her giggling granddaughter under her chin, “have brought me more joy than I've ever known. I know Stephen let you down, but he's my son; my flesh and blood. He fathered a child which means Christina is my granddaughter and part of my family. “Thank you for coming today, it was very brave of you. I didn't know whether you would ever want to come here. Your last visit wasn't very happy was it?”