BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  “Ann, we can’t tell him what happened, and now he’ll be leaving a lot!” Polly cried.

  “I know, sweetie. We’ll have to endure more and more torture.”

  “Unless we fuckin’ kill her! Or maybe Mark or one of the other fuckers will help us kill the bitch!”

  “Jean, watch your temper!” Ann warned.

  Daddy left my room, and I felt sorry for him, but I felt worse for me and my protectors. Polly had sounded so scared while Jean just sounded angry. I was scared, too, but I didn’t know what I could do to help them, or myself.

  It wasn’t long before Janet shouted, “Eddie! Suzy! Dinner!” Her voice sounded sickening sweet. So phony.

  “Fuckin’ stomach-turning, that’s what it is!” Jean voiced in disgust.

  When I sat down at the table, Daddy looked over at me and saw the black and blue marks on my arms. “Holy shit, Suzy! How in the world did you get all those bruises?”

  Before I could answer, Janet said, “This little brat. After I told her not to, she went climbin’ around and fell off the old tractor.”

  Jean shot her a look that screamed: LIAR!

  “Well, I hope you learned a lesson, Suzy. Don’t go climbin’ around where you don’t belong.” He winked at me.

  I shook my head, and shoved a bite of mashed potatoes in my mouth. I doubt if I took a breath until the last bite of food on my plate was gone. I was so hungry.

  After dinner Daddy and Janet went into their room, and I washed dishes then went to my room. Their laughter went on for hours, and I whispered under my breath, “Daddy doesn’t have a fuckin’ clue! For once, he’s getting the shaft from a woman instead of giving it!”

  “Yeah, well someday maybe I’ll just tell him what the fuckin’ bitch does when he’s out of town!”

  “Watch your temper, Jean!”

  “I’m not mad, Ann. I’m just gonna get even.”

  Every night Jean tried to figure out a surefire way to get rid of Janet. It scared me to death knowing that she wanted Janet to die, but more than that, she wanted Janet to suffer while slowly dying.

  All of Jean’s thoughts were of seeing Janet take her last suffering breath. She said she knew she could do it! She could kill the mean, ugly witch and never look back. I believed her, too. I knew, like the rest of my protectors, she hated her enough.

  Now when Jean looked at Janet, she had the same smug look we’ve seen from Janet so many times. Jean knew something Janet didn’t, and her excitement built so much she couldn’t keep it to herself.

  I listened while she filled the others in on what she had in mind.

  “Hey guys! I’m devoting all my time on a plot to kill the fuckin’ bitch. A slow, torturous death awaits her. And, my wish will come true! Just wait and see. In the end, I’m gonna have the last fuckin’ laugh!”

  “Aye, and Polly I will help ye, too!” Scottie grinned.

  “You three are going to do something you’ll regret. Heed my words,” Ann warned.

  Thirteen

  1958 – Lubbock, Texas

  Olivia sat on the couch reading her Bible when the phone rang. She thought it might be her husband, but she still took her time getting to the phone, answering after the sixth ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Olivia, I called the station, but they said Henry wasn’t there. Have you heard from him?”

  “No, Margaret, I haven’t. He’s out of town.”

  “Well, when you hear from him, tell him to call his mother. Violet’s coming home at the end of the week! I’ve already called Jason. We’re so excited to have her coming home!”

  Margaret’s voice filled with excitement. Olivia was anything except excited.

  Every time Violet came home from the sanitarium, she and Henry had to go clean up the mess. “Oh. I suppose you need Henry to pick her up?” Olivia asked, trying not to sound too sarcastic.

  “You know Dad doesn’t drive anymore! How else will she get home?” Margaret tried to be sarcastic, with success, knowing Olivia resented Henry doing anything for her and his dad.

  What her son saw in Olivia in the first place she’d never know! Lord knows, she tried to keep him from marrying her, but Henry wouldn’t listen. All her kids thought they knew more than she or Jack. ‘Typical kids,’ everyone had said. ‘Hogwash! Pure hogwash! Kids are head-strong and downright dumb!’ she’d said.

  “I know Jack doesn’t drive, Margaret. I’ll tell Henry to call when I hear from him. Goodbye.” She hung up without giving Margaret a chance to say anything else.

  “I wish to hell Jason and Julie didn’t live in Colorado! It isn’t right we have to do everything for the folks!” Olivia stated sarcastically, staring at the phone.

  Returning to the couch, Olivia’s resentment continued to spill over.

  “They don’t know what I put up with day after day, week after week, year after year! The drunkenness, the fighting, the cursing! They should have to put up with half what I do just for a day! Then they’d know! Then they wouldn’t be so uppity!”

  Grasping her Bible tightly, she reached up and shook it toward Heaven just like she’d seen the preacher do during Sunday services. She believed herself to be a good Christian because every year she’d read the Bible cover to cover.

  However, her thoughts didn’t reflect Christianity at all.

  “It’s the family’s fault, not mine! They make me think this way! I have to read the Lord’s Word daily just to keep my tongue! What I’d really like to do is slap the shit out of ‘em!”

  Opening her Bible to Matthew, she began reading, and waited to hear from Henry so she could tell him all the bullshit would be starting up again. Thinking of the trouble sure to come, she laid the Bible down and blurted out, “Slap the shit out of ‘em! That’s what I’d like to do! Slap every one of ‘em into next week!”

  Shaking her head, she picked up her Bible and continued to read as if nothing had been said, or thought, out loud.

  Henry arrived home around two in the morning, found his wife sitting on the couch, Bible in hand. This was so typical he didn’t think twice about it. But before he could take his coat and hat off she started in.

  “Henry, the shit’s fixin’ to start up again! Your mother called. Violet’s getting out on Friday. Of course, you have to pick her up!”

  “That’s fine, Olivia. I don’t mind. It’ll be good to have her home…”

  “Good!?” she interrupted. “How in the name of Pete do you expect it to be good? Tell me, Henry! How will her getting out be good?”

  Enough is enough! Henry thought. “Olivia, it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” Without another word, he went down the hall to his bedroom, undressed and climbed into bed. He didn’t worry about Olivia coming to bed with him.

  They hadn’t slept together in years.

  Friday afternoon Henry caught himself dragging his feet as he prepared to leave the station to go pick up Violet. He also had mixed feelings about her getting out, but he was glad Olivia hadn’t brought the subject up again.

  Of course he wanted Violet home, but that uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach said “the shit” might happen all over again. He knew a lot would depend on Barbara and his mother. If they would—or could—keep their mouths shut, and if Violet stayed out of the bars….

  But, like all the other times, he’d sit Barbara down and have the talk with her about not initiating fights with her sister, then he’d sit his mother down and have that same talk with her. Both would promise not to start anything, but from past experiences, their promises would be made in vain.

  “One thing the females in my family can’t do is keep their damn mouths shut! I can only hope for the best…and hope the treatment took hold this time,” he muttered, reaching for his hat just as his phone rang.

  “Detective Frye.”

  “Henry, don’t forget Violet.”

  “I’m just leaving.”

  “Are you bringing her straight home?”

  “I d
on’t know, Mother. We might stop for coffee and talk. It depends on what Violet wants to do.” Henry tried to keep the aggravation out of his voice, but he didn’t fool his mother.

  “Don’t get snippy with me, son. I need to know whether to fix dinner or not!”

  “You fix dinner every night, Mother, so don’t give me that shit! You’re just being nosy, as usual. I have to go if I’m gonna get there today. You’ll see us when you see us.” Hanging up before his mother could argue, he picked up his hat, and left his office.

  Forty-five minutes later, sitting outside the sanitarium, he wanted to take the bottle out from under the seat for a quick belt, but he knew it would be better not to have the smell of liquor on his breath around Violet.

  Since no parking spots were open near the entrance Henry had to walk several feet. Normally a little walk wouldn’t matter, but today the wind whipped in from the North. Shivering, he tucked his head and quickened his steps.

  He’d left his coat in the office.

  He felt better the moment he entered the door and the warmth hit his face.

  “Hello, Detective Frye.” Laura smiled. “The doctor’s waiting in his office for you. Violet’s packing. She’ll be ready in a few minutes.”

  “Thank you, Laura. Good to see you.” Henry smiled and headed down the hall.

  Laura, the main receptionist, had worked at the sanitarium for many years, and had always greeted him with a smile. Henry wondered how she could always be so cheerful working in a wretched place like this.

  Not that his job was glamorous by any means, but to work around so many people ready to throw their lives away, and for what, a bottle of booze or a needle stuck in their arm?

  He’d been here, and in the doctor’s office, more times than he cared to remember, but halfway down the hall he realized he’d gone four doors down from where he wanted to be. Turning around, he headed back toward Dr. Paul Gorman’s office.

  He took a deep breath, tapped lightly, then opened the door without waiting for his friend to invite him in. Paul Gorman wasn’t your typical doctor. He was down-to-earth, and like Henry, he liked Jack Daniel’s.

  They’d met, by accident, at the corner bar the night Violet was first admitted some six years ago. Henry hadn’t wanted to go home that night and had gone around the corner to the local tavern.

  Sitting at a corner table, he’d been nursing his third shot when Dr. Gorman entered, ordered a bottle at the bar, then came to Henry’s table, asking if he could sit. Henry had no objections. He welcomed the distraction.

  Several hours later, they’d finished off the bottle, and decided they’d better head on home. Ever since that night, they’d meet at the tavern twice a month to talk about fishing, hunting, and women, but never about the hospital or police work.

  Paul Gorman had been the first person Henry told about his home situation, and about Mona, his mistress. Paul understood, and told Henry about his mistress, Valerie, and Kim, his wife. Henry thought it strange how their stories of home life were so similar.

  They’d been friends ever since.

  “Henry! Come in! Come in!” the doctor greeted him, smiling. “When did you get back in town?”

  “Late Sunday. Went to Oklahoma on a lead, but it went nowhere.”

  “Damn. I’m sorry, Henry.” He pointed to the chair across from his desk.

  Henry sat down. “So, how’s she doing, Paul?”

  “Violet is doing great, Henry. She’s finally accepted the abduction and knows it wasn’t her fault. She realizes there was nothing she could’ve done to prevent it. I’m really proud of her.”

  “How’s her temper?”

  “The last six weeks she’s been a model patient. She hasn’t given the staff any problems. She’s calm, and I believe, for the first time in years, she’s happy.”

  “That’s a mighty big statement, Paul. How can you be so sure she won’t go out tonight and get drunk?”

  “Of course, I can’t say for absolute certainty, Henry, but I think you’ll see a big change in your sister. For the last month, every morning she’s gotten up, combed her hair and put on make-up. When’s the last time you remember her doing things for herself because she wanted to?”

  “Years. It’s been years, Paul. How’s she coping with Sarah still missing?”

  “She’s sad, but if she wasn’t, I’d worry about her. She misses Sarah more than she can put into words, but acceptance is something she hasn’t been able to find, until now. Let’s go see her, Henry. See the change for yourself.”

  They left the office, and as usual, they went down the hall, around the corner, and up the back stairs. The first time Paul took him the back way, he’d said it would be more private, in case they wanted to talk about anything on the way up. Their stairway talks consisted of asking how the mistresses were, but never the wives.

  “Here we are. Room 612.”

  Violet’s face broke into a big smile when they entered. “Henry, it’s good to see you! I guess Dr. Gorman told you about my breakthrough. It’s gonna be different this time, Henry. I promise you, it’s gonna be a lot different.”

  Henry stood and looked at his sister for several moments, shaking his head. “Vi, you look…your hair…your make-up…you look beautiful.” He didn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t seen his sister looking this good, or this young, in years.

  Paul hadn’t lied. Henry could see the change. He smiled as he carried her bags downstairs, put them in the trunk, then opened the car door for her. He now truly believed it would be different this time.

  As they drove out of the parking lot she looked back, and sighed. “Henry, I never want to come back here again. I’m gonna go to the AA meetings every week, and I’m not gonna drink anymore.”

  “I hope so, Violet. I hate bringing you here, you know that.” He looked at his sister and saw tears running down her face. “Hey, want to get a bite to eat before we go to the house?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.” She pulled a tissue from her purse, wiped her tears away, then looked at Henry. “I don’t want to go home yet. I want to talk to you. I need to know what’s been happening with the search for Sarah.”

  “I don’t know, Vi. I don’t want you upset.” He felt leery talking about his failed attempts.

  “It’s okay to talk about it, Henry. I can handle it now. I couldn’t stop Eli. No one could. We need to concentrate on finding Sarah. The past is something we can’t change. Please, Henry. Tell me what’s happened.”

  Henry pulled into the parking lot of his favorite café, The Golden Spoon, a little family owned place. He’d never eaten anything here that wasn’t good, especially their homemade lunch specials, but it was after three o’clock. They’d have to order from the menu.

  He could feel his sister’s eyes still fixed on him. “All right, Violet. I’ll tell you everything that’s happened since you’ve been in the hospital. But, if you start getting upset, I’ll stop. Agreed?”

  “Agreed.” She smiled. “Thank you, Henry. I can’t promise I won’t cry, but I won’t get upset.”

  They sat in the far back booth, well out of hearing range of other patrons. During the meal he filled her in on everything up until his trip to Oklahoma. This he purposely saved for last. He didn’t know how she’d react when told about the waitress who had thought she’d seen Eli and Sarah, but that he’d returned home without anything concrete.

  Violet sat quietly, listening, hanging on every word he spoke. Tears ran down her cheeks from time to time, but she didn’t say a word. After telling her everything that had happened, Henry finished by promising he wasn’t giving up, even though he didn’t know which way to turn next.

  Calmly, she said, “Henry, we won’t give up. My little girl’s out there somewhere, and we’ll find her. I know you’ve done everything possible. Together, we will find her.”

  Henry’s face glazed with shock. Shaking his head, he asked, “Who are you, beautiful lady? You look like my sister, but what have you done with Violet?”
r />   Taking his hand in hers, she laughed. “I fought my demons, Henry, and this time I won. I can handle whatever comes my way now. Dr. Gorman helped me understand my feelings, and to face whatever I do feel. No matter how much it hurts, I’m not running away from these feelings any longer.”

  She’d never talked openly like this before.

  Tears flowed down her face as she continued, “That’s why I drank, Henry. I didn’t want to feel. It hurt too much knowing I wasn’t there for her. I blamed myself. I couldn’t have known what Eli had planned. But now, I know it wasn’t my fault.”

  After another cup of coffee they left the café arm in arm. Henry smiled as they got into the car. She really had changed. He knew for sure she’d be okay this time, and together they’d find Sarah.

  “Henry, do you think he’s hurt her?”

  “Of course not!” he lied. “Eli loves Sarah. He just wants to hurt you.” Henry hoped his voice sounded convincing because in the pit of his stomach—call it a cop’s intuition—he felt that sonuvabitch had hurt her.

  “You’re right. He does love her. I’m sure he’s taking good care of her.” Violet nodded. “Of course he’s taking good care of her.”

  Henry wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince herself or him, but he decided it best to drop the subject. He didn’t want to take the chance that next time he wouldn’t sound credible.

  They drove the rest of the way in silence. Each lost in their own world of pain.

  The moment they arrived, same as all the other times when Violet came home from an extended stay, Margaret came rushing out of the house, yelling, “Violet! Oh, Violet, you’re home!” She threw her arms around her daughter, almost knocking Violet off her feet.

  Regaining her balance, Violet smiled. “Yes, Mother, I’m home. I’m home to stay. No more drinking. I promise.”

  Violet went to her room to put her things away while Henry made his speech to Barbara, then to his mother. He told them Violet had changed, and that she had control of her drinking, and if either of them started a fight they’d answer to him.

  They promised, just like all the other times, to be on their best behavior.