BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  Driving away, Henry felt good, and surprised he didn’t want a drink. “Together Violet and I will find Sarah and bring her home!”

  Henry decided to go home and talk to Olivia so he could get that part over with. He already knew she wouldn’t believe Violet had changed, but that would be her choice. He was tired, and not in the mood to argue.

  The moment he parked in the driveway, Henry wanted a drink. Reaching under the seat, he stared toward the house. He held the bottle, trying to talk himself out of taking that drink, when he saw Olivia peeking out through the blinds.

  Instantly, he threw back a large gulp, then slipped the bottle back under the seat. Walking up to the door he muttered, “I needed that drink. Now, I’m ready to take whatever she throws at me.”

  He told Olivia what the doctor and Violet had said. Uninterrupted, she listened, but continually made faces, twisting her mouth in ungodly shapes. Ignoring the looks, he continued until he told her the last bit about his talk with his mother and Barbara.

  When finished, Olivia put her hands on her hips. Snidely she said, “I bet you, before the week is out, you’ll be going out there. Violet and Barbara will be drunk as skunks; fighting just as before. No one can change overnight! I bet you, Henry!”

  “Well, Olivia, I’m not gonna bet with you, and it isn’t overnight. It’s been over six years. Violet’s been trying all this time to get it together. This was her fourth stay in the sanitarium, and she stayed for nearly two years this time!

  “She’s finally done it, Olivia! Get off your fuckin’ high-horse and talk to her! You used to be friends. Oh, to hell with it! I’m going to bed.” He walked away, leaving her standing, still with her hands on her hips; her mouth gaped open.

  He fell asleep and dreamed of the day he and Violet would find Sarah and bring her home, safe.

  Fourteen

  1958 – Arizona

  Daddy left again and Janet had many men over each night. Some of the men said they preferred an experienced woman, but the ones who liked little girls would give Janet twenty dollars and a bottle of booze.

  With Daddy gone more and more, and for longer periods of time, the others had been taking over for me constantly. Sometimes I had no recollection of what happened during the three to six weeks when Daddy was gone—except in nightmares.

  The men were getting more frequent, and doing more stuff to my protectors that Ann wouldn’t let me watch. But she always showed me afterwards in the nightmares. She didn’t want me to witness it while it happened, and from the things she had shown me, I’m glad I didn’t have to see it at the time.

  It upset me something fierce in the dreams. I’d wake up enraged and crying.

  I didn’t totally understand it, but Jean had begun to feel thankful for all the men. She said it was because when men came over they got to come inside, and before the men arrived they got to take a bath.

  Thankful or not, I could tell Jean functioned like a robot. She didn’t seem to care what they did to her anymore, but when she hurt too much, Polly, Scottie or Ann took over for her.

  They liked it when they got to sleep in my soft bed, and Jean looked forward to Mark coming to see her. He always brought food. He even brought pizza a few times! But Jean felt the best thing about Mark was that she never had to touch him.

  Scottie always took care of Mark so she didn’t have to.

  The few nights no men came over, Janet kept us tied to the tractor all night, but at least the weather had started to get warmer. Ann said if it wasn’t for being staked out, it would’ve been like camping: lying on hard ground and dealing with mosquitoes.

  By morning they had to search for a spot that didn’t itch!

  Ann wouldn’t let me be the one Janet staked out anymore. She said it was easier on her and the others than it was for me. I had to appreciate how well she took care of me. Heaven knows, no one else took good care of any of us!

  Each time Daddy returned he only stayed for a day or two, then he’d be gone again. At least when he was there, I got three meals and was allowed to watch TV. Janet didn’t get drunk, and no men came around either. I never saw Janet on the phone, so I didn’t know how the men always knew when Daddy had returned.

  I didn’t know how long Daddy had been gone the last time he left, but when he came back Janet told him she couldn’t drink anymore. I didn’t hear why, but Daddy hugged her for a long time before he came and sat down beside me, grinning ear to ear.

  “Suzy, I have great news!” he said with his face still beaming. “Janet and I are gonna have a baby!”

  Shocked, I looked at her sitting across the room. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to rain on his parade, so I just said, “That’s great, Daddy. When?”

  “Well, she hasn’t gone to the doctor yet, but she thinks she’s three or four months along. You’re gonna have a little brother or sister!”

  Bobbi had explained how babies were made, but I just couldn’t tell him it might not be—and probably wasn’t—his kid. Still, I tried to act excited, but I didn’t fool Daddy. He knew me too well. After I went to bed he came to my room and closed the door.

  “Sarah, is there something you want to tell me?”

  “What do you mean, Daddy?” I’d learned long ago how to act dumb when I needed to.

  “You aren’t happy about this baby, are you?”

  “I’m happy if you are, Daddy.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Sarah! What’s up?”

  “It’s just…well, what if we have to leave real quick? Like we used to.”

  “We’ve been gone long enough, Sarah, I’m sure no one’s looking for us anymore. We can stay here forever.”

  “What if I don’t wanna stay here, Daddy? What if I want it to be just you and me again? Like it used to be?”

  “Well, with this baby, it can’t be just the two of us anymore.”

  “So, you’d bring it with us if we left?”

  “Hey, kiddo, I don’t know what’s going on, but if there’s something I need to know, you’d better tell me.” His eyes narrowed.

  “There’s nothing to tell, Daddy. I’m just thinking, that’s all. Do you love her?”

  “No, but I’ll love the baby. She’s good in bed, and she cooks okay. Her house isn’t too bad, is it?”

  “No, the house is okay…but Daddy, I hate her!” I blurted out.

  “Sarah, you’ll hate any woman I’m with because she isn’t your mama, but you have to forget her. She’s dead. Janet is your mama now.” He paused, waiting for that to soak in. “I’m serious, Sarah. I don’t want to hear you say you hate her ever again.”

  I looked at the floor for several minutes, then looked up at him and said, “Okay, Daddy. I won’t say it.”

  “That’s my girl. Now, go to sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning.” He kissed me on the forehead, then smiled. “This is good news, Sarah!”

  After he closed my door, I rolled over facing the wall, but Jean’s thoughts drifted back to getting rid of Janet. I heard the others talking inside my head before I fell asleep…

  “Jeannie, we’ll have to wait until the little one is born. We don’t want to hurt an innocent wee one!”

  “I know, Scottie. I’m just thinking, but we’ll wait.”

  “Daddy said he’d love the baby, didn’t he, Scottie?”

  “Aye, that he did, Polly. We’ll have to take the wee one with us when we leave.”

  Daddy left the day after we talked, saying he’d be gone for two weeks. An hour after he left, a man came over. Janet called him Preacher, and I wondered why in the world a preacher would come to see her!

  I heard nothing but laughter from Janet’s room for hours. Then, it got very quiet. I’d just drifted off to sleep when my door flew open, hitting the wall behind it.

  “Who’s there?” I asked in the darkness. No answer. “Who’s there?” Still no answer. I got up to turn on the light when someone brushed against me.

  “Dere you are, my little pretty.”

  His
voice was slurred and unfamiliar. “Who are you?”

  “Preacher what dey calls me, but I not dat kind a preacher. Dey jist calls me dat cause I always preachin’ ‘bout dis an’ dat.”

  The others figured out real quick this man wasn’t holy, and I heard Ann’s soft voice—now frantic—telling Jean to protect me.

  “What are you doing in my room?” I asked just before I began to float…

  “Janet, she done went an’ passed out. I still horny. She tell me ‘bout you. Said I come in here and you like me fuck you.”

  “Well, she’s wrong! I don’t want you to touch me! And I don’t want you in my room! Get out!” Jean screamed at him.

  “Oh, can’t do dat, my little pretty. She done went an’ charged me twenty dollars. So you jist lay der an’ be nice little pretty.”

  “Preacher, do you have any food?”

  “Naw, I jist got drink. You want me pour you drink?”

  “No, I don’t want a drink! I want you to get out!”

  “I do you fist; den I go.”

  For a large man he moved quickly. He threw Jean down on the bed so fast and hard, her head hit the wall, knocking her out. He shook her until she moaned, then promised he’d be gentle, but he was a big, big man.

  “You tell me if hurt, okay? You jist little girl. I go slow.”

  “Please don’t do this! You’re too big!” But he wouldn’t listen to her, and Jean, extremely frightened, drifted…

  When Preacher finished, he got up and stumbled out of the room. Crying, Ann got up and went to the bathroom. She was bleeding like the first time with Daddy, but it didn’t scare her this time.

  Bobbi had also explained this, so she knew they’d live!

  Janet had tied Scottie to the tractor all day again, but when it started getting dark she came out and got him. That night we met Rusty, a kind and gentle man with reddish hair and hazel eyes.

  Not once did he hold Jean down, or grab her and shove his hips forward, and his appendage was tiny compared to Preacher and about half as big as Daddy’s. But, Jean’s thoughts weren’t on taking care of Rusty. She’d gone into her robotic state of mind and wondered if he’d help them get rid of Janet.

  All she could picture anymore was Janet chopped up, dead.

  She’d die a slow, painful death, and Jean would enjoy every minute of it! Chop a little here. Chop a little there. Janet would scream and scream, and Jean would laugh and laugh, until Janet screamed no more….

  Before she knew it, Rusty had finished and was thanking her for making him feel good! Damn! No one ever thanked us before, she thought.

  “I didn’t hurt you, did I, Jean? I tried to go real slow.”

  “No, Rusty, you didn’t hurt me.” She wondered… “Rusty, do you like Janet?”

  “Oh, yes! She’s like a mother to me, and she loves me. Why do you ask?”

  “Oh, no reason. Just wondered. Goodbye, Rusty.”

  “Bye, Suzy—I mean, Jean. Can I see you next week?”

  “Beats me! Ask Janet. She runs my life!” Jean couldn’t help her tone or her sarcasm, but she wasn’t mad at Rusty. She was just disgusted and mad because she knew he wouldn’t help them get rid of Janet.

  I didn’t know how I felt about the whole thing. Killing anyone, even Janet, scared the daylights out of me. I’d seen what the others had to do just so she’d get twenty bucks and a bottle of booze. I didn’t blame them for wanting her dead—for wanting to kill her—I just wasn’t sure I wanted to know about it if it came to that.

  But, if they ever did do something bad, I hoped I could protect them same as they’d protected me so many times.

  Daddy returned from his trip and said he’d been gone for three weeks. I thought he’d only been gone a day or two. Every time he went on a trip my loss of time stuff happened. Long ago, before I understood why it happened, I’d accepted it as a part of my life, as well as the voices.

  The main thing that scared me when Daddy returned was what he might ask me that I wouldn’t have an answer for. But then, I learned Ann would step in and answer anything I couldn’t, so I knew I had nothing to fear.

  I was in my room when I heard Janet yell at him, and a few minutes later Daddy opened my door, all excited, with a big grin on his face. “Sweetie, I have to take Janet to the hospital! The baby’s coming! Keep the doors locked, okay?”

  “Sure, Daddy.” I could care less about Janet and her baby, but he was thrilled enough for both of us.

  I was watching TV when he returned late the next day, looking very tired.

  “Is it a boy or a girl, Daddy?”

  “It’s a boy, Sarah. We named him Jimmy. He’s so tiny and so cute! Almost as cute as you when you were born.” He grinned. “I can’t wait to bring him home for you to see him!”

  “Does he look like you?”

  “He doesn’t look like either of us yet, but he does have blue eyes. We have blue eyes, don’t we, munchkin?”

  “Yep, we do.”

  “And so do over half the fuckin’ men Janet’s been with!” Jean quipped.

  “I’m really tired, sweetie. Janet had a rough labor, so I’ve been up all night. I’m gonna take a little nap, and when I get up I’ll fix us some soup, okay?”

  “Sure, Daddy. Is it all right if I stay here and watch TV?”

  “You watch all the TV you want. A hurricane couldn’t keep me awake, or wake me, once my head hits that pillow.”

  I curled up on the couch to watch the movie, but hearing the others talking, I listened to them.

  “I’m getting excited, guys! We can get on with our plans now!” Jean grinned.

  “But, who can we get to help us? Can we ask Rusty?”

  “Hell no, Polly! He’d tell Janet in a heartbeat! He likes her!”

  “Aye, but what about Mark? He might help, eh? He doesn’t like the way she treats us. Or Jason? Or maybe Collin?”

  “Jason’s too square, Scottie, but Collin might. Who was that new guy from the last party? Marvin?”

  “No, Jean. It was Marshall. He might. He’s a lot like Mark. He doesn’t like her hitting us, and he gets real mad when she calls us a little whore.”

  “Damn! There’s so many I can’t remember their names! Well, I guess we’ll just have to think, and when the time’s right, choose the ones we think most likely to help.”

  Smiling, Jean thought of chopping Janet into little pieces and fell asleep.

  I didn’t know I’d gone to sleep, but the next thing I knew, Daddy was shaking me and telling me to come get the soup while it was still hot. It wasn’t like me to fall asleep watching TV. I’d been worried after hearing Jean and the others talking about who they could get to help kill Janet, so I figured since I couldn’t get back into watching the movie, I’d fallen asleep.

  I got up, still groggy, and staggered into the kitchen. Daddy, already sitting at the table waiting for me, said, “I’m as hungry now as I was sleepy before.”

  Then, he didn’t speak again until both our bowls were scraped clean.

  “Man, that was good, even if I do say so myself.”

  “Kinda hard to screw up soup, Daddy.” I laughed.

  “Funny.” He grinned. “You want to watch TV?”

  “Sure, just you and me. Like it used to be, remember?”

  “Yes, Sarah, I remember. But now you have a little brother, so it can’t be just you and me.”

  “I know, Daddy, but for tonight it can, can’t it?”

  “Yes, it can. Race you!”

  Laughing, we jumped up from the table, and ran for the couch. As usual, Daddy let me win, but I had fun. I liked hearing Daddy laugh, and everything felt good—at least for the moment.

  The next few days Daddy stayed busy putting together the crib and all that other baby stuff, so he was too tired at night to come to my room. That made the others very happy. They could sleep all night without having to do anything for anyone!

  Janet came home from the hospital at the end of the week and everything changed. Daddy wasn’
t happy anymore, and when Jimmy cried, she always blamed me, yelling, “What did you do to him, Suzy? Why did you hurt him?”

  I couldn’t even imagine doing anything to hurt him!

  I’d tell her I’d been in my room and hadn’t gone near him, but she’d accuse me of doing something, then running back into my room. She never believed me.

  Daddy tried to defend me, but it didn’t do any good. What Janet said, or thought, was law. To hell with the truth!

  A week later Daddy told me he couldn’t stand being around the old bitch any longer and went back to work. With him gone, things were worse than before the baby. She constantly yelled at me, blamed me, and hit me. I couldn’t do anything right!

  Jimmy cried a lot, but Janet didn’t seem to care. She had her bottle and stayed passed out most of the time. I’d try to get Jimmy to stop crying, but I wasn’t allowed to pick him up. I’d pull a chair over to his crib and rock him the best I could.

  Still, he cried and cried.

  Daddy had been gone for a couple of days, but so far no men had come over. I hadn’t felt very good since Daddy left, so I stayed in my room most of the time. But even if I’d felt fine, I still would’ve stayed inside so I could hear Jimmy when he cried.

  It was lunchtime before Janet finally stirred from the couch, yelling, “Suzy! Where the hell are you? Get out here, NOW!”

  Jumping off my bed, I ran out, and found her in the kitchen with lunch on the table. She never fixed lunch for me, so I figured she must be up to something.

  “Get your ass over here and eat!”

  “I’m not hungry, Janet. I don’t feel good.”

  “Oh, you don’t feel good,” she mocked. “Well, I don’t feel good either! I don’t have time to argue with you, I have to feed the baby.”

  “Can’t I just go back to my room? My stomach hurt all night.”

  “I cooked this, and you will eat it! NOW!”

  After I sat down at the table she left the kitchen.

  She’d made a plate full of squash, which she knew I didn’t like, and the smell made me want to puke! I jumped up from the table, and ran for the bathroom, but the moment I entered the living room my face met the back of her hand, knocking me to the floor.