In with the Tide

by Charlee James

“Lindsey, I get that you did what you thought would be good for me,” he said, fighting for control. “That you were trying to give me a family, but I had already found that in you and Maris. I was just about to bare my soul to you.” He shook his head and looked her in the eyes. “I love you. I love Maris. How could you lie to me after all we’ve done to find truth and peace, together?”

  They were silent for a moment and the space between them snapped with bitter disappointments.

  “I had wanted to build a life with you.” His voice cracked as their relationship unraveled like yarn.

  “And we still can. Before you say anything else, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s about your mother.” When she reached across the table and tried to take his hand, he flinched away.

  “Forget her. You made me believe there was good in people again.” He stood up from the picnic table, putting more distance between them. “With you, it was like I could finally stop running and just be.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked out at the shore.

  “Damien, please just listen—”

  “You were my chance at more than just happiness.” His throat was so tight, he could hardly croak out the words. “You were the family I was supposed to be able to trust and count on. Christ, Lindsey, I wanted to marry you. Have brothers and sisters for Maris.” He watched her draw in a sharp breath and place her hand over her mouth. The whole life he’d built up in his mind was pouring out at his feet, like a sack of grain that had been sliced open with a sickle. Lindsey started to rise from the table, tears in her eyes. Her sadness broke him just as much as her deception.

  “If I can’t trust you, we could never start a life together. You of all people should know what that means to me. I never had trust with my parents, and look where that got me—abandoned by one and beaten senseless by the other.” All this time he’d been worried he would hurt Lindsey, but the second he turned, she put a knife in his back.

  “I’m not your parents. You know I’m nothing like them. You’re just trying to throw me into the same category, so you can run. My mistake makes it easier for you to leave me and Maris, because all along you’ve been afraid of committing, haven’t you?”

  Her words seared into him, like a hot iron rod jammed down his throat. “Afraid of committing? I’ve been all in every step of the way. I might not be Maris’s biological father, but goddammit, I’m her father in all the ways that count.” What happened now? Would he still get to see her or would he miss out on all the special milestones that were to come? “You didn’t just damage our relationship, but the one I’d wanted to build with Maris.” He shook his head, letting the full weight of her actions fall on his shoulders. “I thought things would be different with you.” He rounded the picnic table and walked straight past her.

  Damien gripped the file tightly and went inside. He couldn’t leave without seeing Maris one last time. How could he walk away from the child he’d loved from the second he laid eyes on her? How could he stay when sadness and distress coursed through his veins like poison? He glanced in at Maris, who was just starting to stir. Damien walked into the room and ran his fingers over her silky, soft hair. When he whispered goodbye, his heart constricted in his chest. He had to get away from here. The pain was burning holes through him, like Icarus when he’d flown too close to the sun. Damien stuffed some of his belongings inside his backpack, and took his keys of the dresser. Lindsey was standing in the kitchen, hugging her elbows.

  “Damien,” she said. There was a hint of wild desperation in her voice. He hated the instant urge to soothe her when her chin wobbled.

  “There’s nothing more to say,” he said, and to prove to himself he could, Damien walked out the front door without looking behind him. He jammed the file in his backpack, cursing when the zipper got caught on the cardstock. Footsteps pounded the ground behind him and hands gripped his arm. He turned, and Lindsey was inches from his face. Her eyes glistened with anger and her hair whipped wildly in the wind.

  “Don’t walk away like this. Please, I’m so sorry.” She looked at him through glassy eyes.

  “I lost you once when we were kids. I can’t let it happen again.”

  “You should have thought of that before you decided I was too stupid to make my own decisions. If you cared about me, you would’ve talked to me first. I can’t believe I’ve fallen so hard when I don’t even know you.” Lindsey sucked in a breath. She looked as if he’d slapped her.

  He got on his bike and tore out of the driveway. The entire ride into town, he was keenly aware of the file that was folded inside his backpack. Lindsey had left him with a hard choice. He could discard the file and always wonder what it contained, or he could open it, and risk having more of his heart torn out.

  Damien had made a fool of himself by telling Lindsey he loved her. She clearly didn’t think as much of him, or she never would have made such a powerful move against his will. Was he some kind of charity case to her? Poor Damien from the wrong side of the tracks, who can’t figure his life out on his own. She hadn’t treated him as an equal when she’d made the decision to find his sister, but someone who thought they knew what was best for his well-being. It made his heart ache, that she thought less of him, just like Matthew thought less of her. Lindsey of all people should’ve valued the importance of being a team, and of playing on a level field. Damien pulled his bike into an empty spot in front of the Seahorse Inn. He pressed the heel of his hand against his sternum, trying to ease the pain there.

  Damien had grossly misjudged Lindsey, and now he’d have to pay for it with the crushing disappointment that pounded in his chest and a belly tangled full of sickening knots. He grabbed one of the double door handles that was carved into the shape of a seahorse. A blast of conditioned air hit him in the face. He was so numb, it barely registered.

  “Welcome to the Seahorse Inn. It’s a beautiful day in Chatham, isn’t it?” Great. Marcia-Fucking-Brady wanted to chat. He needed isolation like a fish needed water.

  “I need a room, please,” he said and pushed his anger down. It wasn’t the employee’s fault he had the floor ripped from under his feet.

  “Certainly, sir. It’s your lucky day. We have one room left,” she chirped. “How long will you be staying?”

  “Just tonight.” He’d already pulled out his credit card and slid it across the desk. She took the hint and quietly swiped it, keyed two plastic room cards, and folded them into an envelope.

  “We have a lovely hot breakfast every morning beginning at seven.”

  “Great, thanks,” he said and was halfway down the hallway before she could get another word out.

  He slid his key card into the door, a green light flashed, and the door handle gave way. It was ironic there was vacancy, now that his relationship with Lindsey had torn apart in a Bermuda Triangle of dishonesty.

  He threw his backpack on the bed and sat on the corner. He let his head fall into his hands as he absorbed the shock of what had happened. It took all his energy to ignore the ominous file inside the tiny room, like a great white shark floating through a backyard swimming pool. He took a shower to wash away the day. It only reminded him of the steamier ones he and Lindsey had shared. Once again, he found himself completely and utterly alone. Maybe fate was trying to tell him something—that there wasn’t meant to be another set of footprints in the sand beside his. Finally, he fell into bed, letting thoughts of Lindsey drift into oblivion as he tossed into a restless sleep.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Is Jason Hall available?” Lindsey bit her bottom lip as she stood at the front desk of Veterans’ Services. The secretary raised her brow over her bright green eye glasses.

  “I’d be happy to check for you. Who should I tell him is visiting?”

  “Lindsey Hunter.” This was a stupid idea. She was just dragging one more person into their personal problems but she was hanging onto a tether of sanity. For the past twenty-four hours since he’d left, she’d paced and analyzed, chewed her nails so s
hort they stung, and crawled through the motions of motherhood—which only added more to the guilt stew rolling to a boil inside her. Thank God her parents agreed to watch Maris for a few hours while she sorted things out.

  “Mr. Hall would be happy to see you. He’s just finishing up with a client,” the woman said.

  Lindsey walked into the waiting room and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the long mirror hanging on the wall. No wonder the secretary gave her a once-over. She looked like she’d just crawled off the set of The Walking Dead—like literally up from the dirt as a zombie. Her face was ashen, and she had rabid raccoon eyes—red with dark rings below, from day-old mascara and too many tears. It didn’t matter, she needed to find some connection to Damien, someone who might know where he’d gone. She’d pulled in the lot expecting to see his bike there. Did he quit his job? Had he acted that fast in an effort to put miles between them? Lindsey couldn’t spend day after painstaking day wondering if it was truly over. Her stomach turned and her heart leaped up to her throat.

  A child’s laughter filled the waiting room and Lindsey looked up to see Jay escorting a family out. A little sandy-haired girl clutching a red balloon dog tipped her chin up at Jay. “Thank you, Mister Jason, for the puppy.” Her eyes sparkled in admiration.

  “Next time we’ll make a balloon monkey. I’ve been practicing.” Jay winked at her and turned to the parents. “Thanks for coming in. Let me know if you have any hitches with the new program.”

  “You’ve been a real help, Jason.” The man and woman with the little girl shook Jay’s hand and walked out of the office building.

  Once they’d left, Jay strode toward Lindsey. “Hey, is everything okay?” he asked. Genuine concern coursed through his voice. “You look—”

  “Like a zombie. I’m very much aware.” She gestured to the mirror behind them and Jay chuckled.

  “I was thinking Frodo after he crossed middle-earth, weighed down by an evil ring.” He offered her a sympathetic grin.

  “Gee, thanks,” she said with no real emotion behind it. How could she care how she looked when she’d hurt Damien so badly? She didn’t deserve him, but Maris did.

  He held out his hand to her, and she took it. “What I meant is you look like you’ve been through hell. Why don’t you come back and we can talk in private?”

  She nodded and he led her down the hall to his office. “Take a seat, I’ll be right back.”

  He disappeared and she was left alone in a modest office. One simple cedar desk was flanked by two deeply cushioned chairs. In the corner, he had a child-sized table with coloring books, crayons, and stickers. Someone had recently been at them, because Ana, Elsa, and Olaf were plastered to the carpet and wall. Jay didn’t seem like the type to be rattled by a few stickers, though. He popped back through the doorway carrying a tray of tea and cookies.

  “I have sisters. I know how this works,” he said passing her a cup of steaming water. Lindsey chose a tea bag, unwrapped it, and let it seep in.

  “If they don’t appreciate you, I’m an only child looking to adopt a brother.” Lindsey bent her face closer to the mug, letting the bergamot scented steam comfort her.

  Jay laughed. “I’ll let them know I’m being pursued, and maybe one of them will make me dinner tonight. So, did something happen with you and Damien?” He chose the seat next to her, instead of behind the desk.

  “I made a mess of everything.” Lindsey held her mug with both hands and glanced into the water.

  “We all do from time to time.” He leaned toward her, ready to listen.

  “We had a fight and he left. I came here expecting to find him, but his bike wasn’t in the lot. Did he quit Veterans’ Services?”

  “No, but he did request a personal day.” Some of the thickness in her throat dissipated. Maybe there was hope after all. Lindsey had so many feelings for Damien that were left unsaid, and they were drilling a hole through her heart. He’d said he loved her. But did he mean the words to drive the hurt deeper? She had to find out, because she loved him too. After a childhood of hearing neither of those things, it would be important for him to know. As much as she dreaded the thought, she had an obligation to tell him about his mother’s death, too.

  “Rarely are things so broken they can’t be fixed,” Jay said quietly.

  She wasn’t sure if it was his calming nature, or listening ear, but words started spilling out of Lindsey’s mouth like a tipped glass of milk. “Do you remember Alex? The woman that joined us for dinner?” Jay nodded and she noticed a spark lit in his eyes. “She runs a very successful PI firm and I had her track down Damien’s sister, who he didn’t realize he even had until I found a letter while we were cleaning out items from his father’s house.”

  “Hmm. And Damien didn’t want to find her, right?” Lindsey’s head jerked up.

  “I hadn’t realized he told you.” How much did Jay know about Damien and his past?

  “He didn’t tell me what happened between the two of you, but I can understand why meeting his sister would shake him. Between his background check and the bits and pieces he’s told me, I know he’s experienced trauma. In his childhood, and then in the Marines. It’s harder for victims to face their past. Meeting his sister might be like reliving whatever he’d experienced again.”

  Oh, God, how could she fix this? Lindsey swallowed. Her throat was bone dry despite the tea. Would she ever be able to erase the pained look on his face from her mind–complete betrayal and irrevocable anger? She needed to see him to tell him all those things that tangled her up in knots—that she loved him and could picture being with him year after year. She wanted more little feet stomping around the house, too, maybe not right now but definitely in the future. What she did was dead-wrong and even if he wouldn’t take her back she needed to apologize and tell him what he meant to her.

  “I need to try to make this right, or at least apologize for hurting him. Can you tell me where he is?” She held her breath, hoping and praying that he knew. She hung on to the warm mug of tea, trying to fight the cold that swept through her fingers.

  “He didn’t say, but I thought I saw his bike in front of the inn downtown.” Could he be that close? Hope skyrocketed to the tiled ceiling.

  “Thank you so much.” She stood up and set the cup down on the tray.

  “Good luck. I’ll be rooting for you guys.” Jay stood up with her, picked up her purse, and handed it to her.

  She hesitated, then rose up on her tippy toes to kiss his scarred cheek.

  Jay squeezed her shoulder. “You make him happy. You and Maris.” She hadn’t done a very good job of it lately. Her eyes burned. If only she just left things alone.

  Lindsey rushed out before the tears started to fall. She took the elevator to the first floor, got in her car, and drove toward the direction of the Seahorse Inn. She had been so wrong to try to push him together with his sister, thinking his sibling might help to heal his past. Damien had hit the nail on the head during their fight. As far as family goes, I thought that’s what we were. His words stripped the thoughts out of her head, and made her forget why she’d contacted Alex in the first place.

  Damien didn’t understand how a family worked. Had he been so afraid of being left, that he did the leaving first? Just like his mother had to him? Lindsey had to show him when a solid family screwed up, they fought to stay together. They compromised, made sacrifices, and talked it out. They didn’t high tail it in the opposite direction. Damien was family to her. Family to Maris. He was the closest thing her child had to a father and she was prepared to fight for him and the relationship they both deserved.

  If one of them had to steer the ship, she’d take the helm. Lindsey was done letting others control her destiny. She wanted Damien in her life, and she wouldn’t let him walk out for the second time so easily. He’d hear her out long enough for her to make her point crystal clear. Damien could brood for days, even months, over the decision she’d made. But if there was an ounce of love in him for her a
nd Maris, she’d do everything in her power to get him home to them.

  Sure, she was mad at his reaction to the news but she’d half expected it, and braced herself for it. Part of her worried the taking off would become a pattern, that he’d end up leaving her like his mother had left him. The other part of her had enough faith in the man he’d become, to know he’d do right by them. It was a level of trust he didn’t understand—or didn’t think the people in his life were capable of. He was betrayed by her actions, but if she hadn’t believed in him, she wouldn’t have made such a big step on his behalf. Damien was strong enough to shoulder a meeting with his sister. He’d come out better for it.

  She pulled into one of the vacant spots lining the street, and glanced up and down the road. Her heart dipped. Damien’s bike was nowhere to be seen. Still, she got out of the car and entered the lobby where Damien had tried to find a room on the very first night they reconnected. She supposed she owed the Seahorse Inn for rekindling their relationship. If he’d been able to stay here, Damien might have gone along his business of arranging the funeral and cleaning out the house on his own. They never would’ve been able to build a relationship like they had.

  “Excuse me, miss,” Lindsey asked the young girl at the front desk. “May I send a call up to Damien Trent’s room, please?”

  The girl trailed a nectarine-colored nail down a large book sitting in front of her, and glanced up, eyes full of apology. “I’m sorry, Mr. Trent checked out just a few hours ago.”

  Lindsey’s shoulders drooped. She was too late. He’d put distance between them and his message was clear. Much like he hadn’t wanted her to find his sister, he didn’t want to be found, either. After thinking about what she was going to say to him, rehearsing it to herself in the mirror, she was utterly deflated, like building a glorious sand castle only to have it washed away by the tide. What would Damien do now? Go back to the Marines, put as many zip codes between them as possible? If he continued to work at Veterans’ Services, she’d have to tiptoe around the downtown area. It would be crushing to constantly run into him. Would Damien ever meet his sister, or did she dissolve their relationship over a few photos and records that would never be seen?