Searching for Mine

by Jennifer Probst

  Chapter Ten

  "A woman, especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." -Jane Austen

  Spring rolled in like a lamb, leaving the lion's roar far behind. The days turned sunny, and as the snow melted into oblivion, flowers and trees peeked their heads out, deciding it was safe to finally come out and play.

  He'd cleared the weekend to work on his brother's shed and swung by to pick up Luke and Ella. He smiled as they trotted out and climbed in the truck. "I'm surprised you wanted to come with us," he said to Ella. He took in her loose jeans, rain boots, and hooded sweatshirt. Though it was warmer, they'd be working outside so he'd told them to dress warm.

  "I wanted to meet your brother," she offered, buckling her seat belt. "Also Kennedy said to come and keep her company while you do manly things."

  Luke grunted from the back. "That's right, Mom. Maybe you can make us lunch while we build the shed."

  She rolled her eyes at his poking. "Wise guy. Turn on the HGTV channel and half of the contractors are women. Is this how I raised you to think of females? Or have you been hanging out with Connor too much?"

  They laughed. Connor threw up his hands. "Hey, if you want to take over, I'll be happy to prepare a meal in the warm house."

  "Point taken. I'll stay inside."

  "Good choice."

  He drove out to Verily, radio blaring loud, windows cranked halfway down. He was so used to being with them it was almost like his own family. He'd grown close to both of them, and other than the odd electricity that crackled between them, Connor settled into a comfortable routine of companionship.

  He never thought about the kiss. Well, hardly ever. Sometimes, the memory snuck up in the night, taunting him with the brief flash of her body underneath his, the sweet taste of her lingering on his lips. He'd never been affected by a simple kiss, but Connor figured it was the typical male game of wanting what he couldn't have. He wasn't about to risk losing Ella and Luke over a physical reaction that would pass after one tumble. He'd done it again and again. The next morning, Connor rarely felt anything but the need to move on. He'd never hurt Ella like that by playing games. She'd become too precious.

  He refused to delve further into his strong feelings for the two people next to him, choosing to do what he did best. Just enjoy the day, moment to moment.

  He drove past the familiar white sign welcoming them to Verily, and headed down Main Street. Nate had been begging him to move here, but the rents were a bit pricier, and his current place was a shorter commute to work. Still, he loved the small Hudson River town. Quaint and artistic, shops lined the streets, lights strung over the large oak trees, and popular cafes set up tables and chairs for guests. They passed the used bookstore, the Barking Dog bakery, and Kinnections, the matchmaking agency owned by Kennedy and her two friends, Kate and Arilyn. The dog park was packed on a sunny afternoon, and he grinned at the crowds of people with leashes gathering for social time.

  He reached Nate's house in a few minutes and pulled into the driveway. They'd moved out of their old apartment and bought a small cottage house with a spacious yard, quirky slanting red roof, and a wraparound porch. His brother came out with Kennedy at his side.

  "Hey," Nate said in his standard greeting. He grinned and leaned in for a half hug. "Good to see you, man."

  "You, too. Looking good, little brother. Growing your hair?"

  Kennedy laughed and enveloped him in a bear hug. "No, he's refusing to see Bennie for a trim until he finishes this round of testing on his current prototype. He's living in the lab. Thank goodness you're here to force him to breathe some fresh air."

  Connor hugged her back. His future sister-in-law--well, one day he hoped--was a vibrant, commanding woman who stole Nate's heart at first glance. Her looks were dazzling, from her caramel-colored hair, curvy body clad in designer clothes, and whiskey gold eyes. But she was so much more than knee-buckling good looks to Connor. She was a friend, supporter, and made his brother happy. She challenged them both on any bullshit, pushed them to their limits, and loved them unconditionally.

  She was family.

  "Gonna help us build this shed, Ken?" he teased. "Bet you have cute little pink work boots and a matching hammer."

  She tossed her hair in dismissal. "As if. Now introduce me to this charming young man who's going to break a million hearts."

  Luke flushed from the attention but stared at Kennedy like she was a movie star. "I'm Luke."

  "Nice to meet you, Luke." She shook his hand. Nate followed. "I've heard great things about you. Thank you for helping us build a shed. Nate has so much equipment, we can't jam it in the house any longer. Hi, Ella! I'm so happy you came to keep me company."

  They hugged. He didn't get much information, but it seemed she'd already had her consultation, counseling appointment, and was moving forward with securing a date via Kinnections. He trusted Kennedy would keep her safe and set her up with the right man.

  His gut squeezed at the sudden thought she wouldn't really belong to him anymore. But of course, that was stupid. They were only friends, neighbors, and teacher/student. Ella had never been his in the first place.

  He shook off the strange emotions and ruffled Luke's hair. "Okay, dude. Let's get to work."

  Ella and Kennedy wished them luck and disappeared into the house.

  The supplies had already been delivered and were spread out in the backyard. He'd marked out the ground on his last visit, and the plans had been carefully plotted and confirmed with the proper zoning authorities. He called them over and explained the drawings to Luke, going over safety rules and the jobs he'd be responsible for. The boy listened and took it all seriously, his face etched with excitement for his first official build.

  "Luke, the first thing we do when we're getting ready will set the tone for the day. Know what it is?"

  He shook his head. "What?"

  Connor shot his brother a knowing look. "Take control of the music before your partner does. If you don't you'll end up getting tortured by Mozart or bad country songs. Power up my phone, young man."

  Luke laughed and turned away.

  Nate gave him the middle finger.

  Yeah. It was going to be a great day.

  Ella sat at the high counter in the breakfast nook, her gaze sweeping over the house. "I love your place," she said, taking in the gorgeously designed pieces that made the rooms pop. From the canary yellow rug to the massive red vase filled with exotic dried blooms, her senses were filled with delight. Lush green plants scattered about, the furniture was comfortable, yet elegant, in rich fabrics of velvet, leather, and linen.

  The kitchen gave off a cozy, but airy feel with bright white cabinets and polished gleaming tile, paired with a natural wood table and sturdy chairs with Monet-type cushions. "Did you used to study art?" she asked.

  Kennedy laughed and leaned against the counter. "Lord, no. But I'm obsessed with beauty in all forms. I love when things come together to please individuals in a visual and spiritual sense." She wrinkled her nose. "Wow, that sounded pompous."

  "No, I know exactly what you mean! You were the one who put the photographs up in Connor's place, weren't you?"

  "Guilty as charged. Connor is wonderful but decor is not one of his strong suits. Like most men, I'd have to say."

  "Agreed."

  "Now, let me ask you a question and you promise to give me an honest answer."

  Ella swallowed. Her heart pounded furiously, and she prayed Kennedy didn't want to ask about her and Connor. About their relationship. She wanted to relax this afternoon and indulge in some girl chatter she'd been sorely lacking. She wanted fun and laughs and gossip, but not about her. "Of course." She held her breath.

  "Do you really want coffee or can I just open up this bottle of wine? It's five o'clock somewhere."

  Her shoulders slumped in relief. "Yes. No, I can do better than that. Hell, yes!"

  Kennedy grinned and grabbed a corkscrew. "I knew I really
liked you from the beginning. Are you excited for next week? It's makeover time."

  She tapped her unpolished nail against the swirling gold granite. "I think. I'm nervous, though. I've always been a huge believer in appearances not being important."

  "You sound exactly like Nate. I understand, but I don't agree. It's not about making you into someone you're not. It's about becoming a better you. Someone you like and can be comfortable with. I believe it's important to make a strong first impression and give yourself an opportunity to dive deeper. Make sense?"

  Ella sighed. "I guess. Arilyn's counseling session was helpful, but I still have reservations about Luke adjusting to my dating. He's been so happy lately. I don't want to wreck anything."

  Kennedy poured the Chardonnay into two glasses and slid one over to her. "I understand completely. But Luke also needs to see you taking care of yourself and being happy. You shouldn't have to deny that part of yourself in order to be a good mom. It's been two years, Ella. You're ready. We already found a fabulous match and Arilyn is working on getting a date set up."

  She sipped her wine and tried hard not to think about Connor. "You're right. I'm definitely ready, and I'm excited to explore this new chapter."

  Kennedy slid on a stool across from her and lifted her glass. "I know it's scary, but I promise you, it will be worth it. Sometimes we have to be brave enough to open up to someone new. Break out of our routine. Now, tell me about Connor."

  She avoided her gaze. "What about him?"

  Kennedy leaned in. "How bad are you torturing him in class?"

  Ella smiled slowly. "Really bad. Gave him an extra credit project. A little Woolf. A dash of Bronte. And a dose of Austen. Hopefully it will teach him a bit of how far women have come and how we don't deserve to be called 'darlin' or 'pretty little thing.'"

  Her new friend laughed with delight. "Finally! Do you know how hard it was to break Nate of his habit of saying the most awful things to women? I had to electrocute him with a buzzer to re-form his habits."

  "You didn't."

  Kennedy sighed. "Yeah. I did. At least it all worked out." She took another sip of wine. "See, the thing about Connor is besides being gorgeous and a bit clueless, he's got a great big heart that's just waiting for someone to keep it safe. He protected Nate when their household fell apart. He took care of him, put him through college, and never thought twice about himself. A man like that is special, even if you have to dig a bit deeper to unearth it. That's a man who you can count on for the long haul. Once he commits, he's all in."

  Fascinated, she thought over the past weeks. The way he treated her son with a loving care that rocked her soul. His insistence on taking her car for an oil change, or fixing the backed up sink instead of calling the plumber. She remembered the roses on Valentine's Day, and the hours he spent with them on a Saturday night playing board games. "Why does he continue to date women who mean nothing to him?" she finally asked.

  "I think we all get hurt and hide in certain ways. His way was removing any depth from his relationships. Then he'll always be safe."

  Ella stared thoughtfully into the golden liquid, swirling it around the edge of the glass. The words shot straight and true across the counter and fired a direct hit. Kennedy was right. It was almost as if he was comfortable slipping into a role he rarely questioned. He smiled, flirted, and kept things light. He seemed to do the same thing on all his dates. Did he not know anymore how to allow himself to really feel? More importantly, did he even want to try?

  "You're good at therapy, too. How do you see so much?"

  "I spent years in therapy myself. I had issues galore. Still do. I learned one thing watching endless relationships begin, fail, break, and triumph." Kennedy lifted her glass in a mock salute. "You just have to find the right crazy for you."

  Ella laughed and raised her own glass. "To the crazy."

  They clicked glasses. And drank.

  A few hours and a bottle of wine later, Nate trudged inside, pressing a kiss to the top of Kennedy's head. Her hand automatically entwined with her lover in a rehearsed dance that had seeped into memory. A pang of envy hit Ella as she watched them, but it was a beautiful pang because it reminded her that type of love was out there.

  "How's it going, ladies?" He raised a brow at the empty bottle of wine. "Good, I see."

  "Very good," Kennedy affirmed. "You guys need a break? I've got some brownies for Luke."

  "Did you bake them?" Nate asked.

  Kennedy gave an affronted humph. "Of course not! I bought them at the bakery."

  "Thank God. Then he'll love them."

  Ella laughed. "There hasn't been a brownie Luke hasn't liked. I'm surprised they're still at it."

  Nate faced her. He was a handsome man, with a sexy goatee emphasizing his sharp features, and gorgeous brown eyes with swirls of green. He was shorter and leaner than Connor, but the resemblance was immediate in the thrust of the nose, arched brow, and brightness of their eyes. "Luke is a wonderful kid, Ella. You should be really proud. Not only is he respectful, but he's a hard worker. Seems to have Connor's talent for woodworking."

  "Thank you. Connor's great with Luke. They seem to have bonded."

  Nate nodded, his gaze a bit foggy, like an absent-minded professor. "And with you," he said. "I've never seen my brother so happy."

  She jerked in her seat. Trying to cover up her emotion, she jumped up. "Umm, I'm going to go check on them. Be right back."

  "Take the side door," Kennedy said.

  "Thanks." Ella headed down the hallway and out to the back deck, making her way down toward the newly framed shed. Her boots made no noise on the steps, and she heard the mingling of voices as she drew nearer. She was about to raise her voice and yell their names when she stopped cold, ears straining to hear more.

  "Dad doesn't really care about me," her son was saying. Ella pressed her hand against her mouth, wishing she could teleport and kill her ex-husband for hurting Luke. "He's got this new woman now, and a new kid on the way. He doesn't need me anymore." His tone reflected an acceptance and bitterness a ten-year-old shouldn't have to know.

  "That sucks, Luke. There's really nothing I can say to make it better either. I learned that myself when my own mother left me."

  "What? Your mom left?" Luke asked in disbelief.

  She heard the clanking of tools and then a deep sigh. "Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was only fourteen. She packed up her suitcases, and when I got home, she was gone. Never came back. Never called. It was like she decided she didn't want that type of life anymore so she left it behind. Along with me and Nate."

  She blinked away the sting of tears and concentrated.

  "What did you do? How--how did you get over it?"

  "I didn't. But I needed to take care of my brother, and when my father began drinking and checked out, we were alone. Life went on. Even though I was sad and I missed my parents, I had Nate. I had friends. I had hope for a great big life I wasn't going to let anyone take from me. Does that make sense?"

  Silence. Then a small voice. "Yeah. It does."

  "Your dad may come back and ask for forgiveness later. He may not. But you have your mom, and with her on your side, you have more than a lot of kids today. Now, that's not going to make every day better, and you're still going to do stupid stuff like listening to the wrong boys or making huge mistakes. That's okay. You're a kid, you're supposed to screw up. The good news is your mom will be there to catch you every time. Just give her a break once in a while, okay? She likes that touchy feely stuff like hugs and it makes her happy."

  Luke chuckled. She heard the shift of weight and another rattle behind the freshly formed shed wall. "Okay. I guess I can handle that."

  "Cool. You did an awesome job, kid. Let's head back inside and see if we can wrestle up some sugar."

  Ella backed slowly away, retreating into the shadows as they began to clean up.

  Her hands shook, and her heart seemed to expand in her chest, breaking out of its limits and bursting in a
frenzy of light prisms. She had done a terrible, awful, ridiculous thing.

  She had fallen in love with Connor Dunkle.

  Chapter Eleven

  "I am not an angel,' I asserted; 'and I will not be one till I die: I will be myself. Mr. Rochester, you must neither expect nor exact anything celestial of me - for you will not get it, any more than I shall get it of you: which I do not at all anticipate."--Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

  Connor checked his watch and hurriedly snapped the book closed. Damn, he'd lost track of time. Shoving the book under a pile of papers, he told himself it was completely acceptable to think Jane Eyre did not suck. To his horror, he found it kind of hot. At least Bronte didn't ramble on nonstop about being stuck in a room as a metaphor for her life.

  He'd never be a Woolf fan, no matter how hard Ella tried. But over the weeks working on the paper, and being forced to research the lives of the three authors she'd picked, he began to understand the limits placed on creative females. A man could break the rules and be called heroic. A woman was locked up in a mental institution or told to shut up.

  Heavy stuff.

  He quickly brushed his teeth, changed his shirt, and headed next door. Ella had her first big date set up by Kinnections and he was on his first official babysitting night. He figured they'd order a pizza and play some video games. Or maybe he'd let Luke rent the new Marvel movie out on Pay-Per-View. He loved a good kick-butt superhero movie.

  He hadn't seen Ella since her makeover. Besides extra work shifts, he'd finally scored a meeting with management for an interview. With his solid reputation on the construction site and degree almost in hand, he'd exhibited confidence and felt good about his performance. All his hard work and preparation was finally paying off. He wondered if this was how Nate felt when he was hired at NASA. It was a heady feeling.

  Connor didn't bother to knock. He let himself in and found Luke already playing his Wii. "Hey, dude. You up for pizza tonight?"

  "Yeah! You up for me demolishing you in Super Smash Brothers tonight?"

  He laughed. "You can certainly try. But I've been practicing. Where's your mom?"

  "Upstairs getting ready. She even smells different. Perfume, I guess."