Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  As I opened the door of the truck, Danny snatched the keys from me. “You might be hell-bent on destroying yourself, but it’s not happening on my watch. I’m driving.”

  I didn’t reply and got in the other side, surrounded by silence as he drove.

  “So where to?”

  “Where do you think?”

  He nodded and took us to the one place he knew I’d feel close to Connie.

  I sat on the rocks, staring down at the lily pond. Dragonflies and butterflies fluttered past, making the pain unbearable.

  Danny sat next to me, resting his arm on his leg. “It’s always so beautiful here,” he remarked.

  I took a swig of the whiskey and smiled. “I remember how gorgeous she looked when I bent down on one knee. She hadn’t expected a proposal, but damn, we both nearly fell in when she jumped into my arms.”

  “She loved you, Ash.”

  “I know. How lucky a bastard was I to get someone so perfect?”

  Danny chuckled. “You guys were perfect for each other. You were equals. That’s something that doesn’t happen often.”

  “When did you get all wise and shit?”

  “Who knows? Maybe the past few years have made me grow up and see things differently.”

  “How? Today we buried my wife. How can that have any positive impact on anyone’s life?”

  “Because of the journey you two took. Everything you guys went through is a testament of your love. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that you, regardless of how you see yourself, are a good guy? You deserved Connie’s love.”

  Danny was never one to get deep and personal, but right now, he was proving himself to be the best type of medicine. I didn’t know how I was feeling. I was so angry, yet torn, completely overwhelmed by the emotional rollercoaster of the past year. It was impossible to put it into words.

  “I never imagined a future without her in it.” My voice broke.

  “None of us did,” he replied. “But cancer is a dirty bastard. It takes without any care for those left in its wake.”

  “I promised her that she wouldn’t die.” The words came out, reminding me of my broken pledge, and I succumbed to the crushing pain inside. “Why would I have made such a promise when I was never in control?”

  Danny touched my shoulder. “Because we say anything in desperation.”

  All my pent-up grief crashed to the surface. I cried hard.

  Danny said nothing. Instead, he kept his grip on my shoulder as the sobs consumed me.

  “How am I going to do this? How am I going to raise Jake alone?”

  “You know how, Ash. You’re going to step up to the plate and do your best.” Danny looked at me. “And every single person who loves you will be there by your side.”

  I woke up from my pity party at that moment. Yes, I was entitled to be the grieving husband, but I had Jake. From that point onward, everything would be about my son.

  Danny’s eyes were red and glazed, clouded with desperation. He needed my help. Regardless of how I felt for Marcy, I had to respect his grief.

  “Do you think I should go to the hospital?” he asked.

  “No, that would be a bad choice.”

  “Then, what do I do?” He held his head in his hands and looked at the floor.

  “You stay as far away from this as possible.”

  He raised his eyes, furrowing his brow. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, even though it’s bad, this has nothing to do with you,” I said, hating myself for being the one to make him see reason. “I think you need sleep before you do anything. And I know you, Danny. You will do your own thing, but just trust me, okay?”

  I hated how sheepish I felt. It made me question my involvement in Marcy’s death. That alone left me feeling sick to my stomach. Here was my best friend, standing beside me, completely broken—devastated over a woman who crushed his heart on their wedding day. There wasn’t a part of me that wasn’t affected by the news. Nevertheless, I had to convince Danny to rest. Then, I’d make the necessary calls.

  “Maybe I should try and sleep,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

  “Take Jake’s room,” I replied, and squeezed his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry for loading this on you.”

  Shaking my head, I tried to smile. “You know I am here for you. This is how we work.”

  Danny set his keys and phone on the counter. He said nothing more and walked out of the kitchen.

  I followed him, waiting to hear the door to Jake’s room click shut before racing to my room for my cell.

  Sophia glanced at me. “Is he okay?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied, putting on my jeans.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I need to make a few calls.”

  She looked at the clock, then me. “At this time in the morning?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “What?”

  “Nothing.” She shook her head.

  “Say it.”

  “You’re acting strange.”

  I stopped what I was doing and took a deep breath. “It’s complicated.”

  “Isn’t it always?”

  I could hear the anger in her voice. If there was one thing I had learned about Sophia, it was her adept way of cutting through the bullshit and getting to the truth. If ever there was a time for me to have my wits about me, it was then.

  “It’s personal,” I said.

  “Oh, I see. So this.” She pointed at finger at herself, then me. “It’s not personal?”

  “Sophia, I don’t mean it like that. It has to do with Marcy and all the shit from the past.”

  She shrugged and got up from the bed. “There’s a lot about the past that I’m not privy to. You haven’t given me the chance.”

  “Hey, that’s not fair. We both agreed that when we started this, there were no expectations.”

  “Ah, I understand,” she replied, and got dressed. “In that case, Ash Benton, it’s been fun.”

  If there was anything that irked me more, it was when a woman overreacted. I was already highly wrought. I didn’t want to be an asshole. Not when it wasn’t necessary.

  “Sophia, don’t do this.”

  She walked out of the room and headed for the front door. “Take care, Ash.” She didn’t look back at me and left the apartment.

  “Fuck!”

  I wanted to run after her, to tell her to stop reacting like this, but there was no way of explaining all the jumbled thoughts running through my head.

  I checked on Danny before I left. If there was a time I needed to meet my demons head on, it was now. I slipped out of my home and made my way down to the truck. Once inside, I locked the doors and made the one call I dreaded.

  “I was wondering when I’d hear from you,” Andrés said.

  “Was that your doing?” I asked.

  He chuckled. “It all depends on what you’re referring to.”

  “C’mon, man, you know what I am getting at.”

  Andrés was unpredictable. I could never quite put my finger on it, but he always got a kick out of making people squirm. This was one of those infamous times.

  “You need to refresh my memory, compadre,” he said.

  “Marcy.”

  He laughed again. I heard the amusement in his voice.

  “Hmmm, you see, here’s the thing, Ash. She was one of those women that gives all women a bad name. What’s one less Marcy in the world?”

  “So it was you?”

  “No, her brakes forgot to work, so in a sense, it was her car that did it. Not me, or you, or anyone else, for that matter.”

  Jesus Christ, I cursed internally. Breathe, just breathe.

  “You do know that there will be an investigation. Brakes just don’t stop working. Fuck, Andrés, this is going to come back on us all,” I said.

  “Calm your shit. Don’t you think I know how to play the fucking game? I’ve been around a lon
g time and nothing ever comes back on me. Just like your little fire show at the warehouse. Nothing ever comes back. So why don’t you hang up, and go relax a little? Let nature take its course. And Ash, I don’t want to hear from you again. Comprende?”

  “Understood,” I replied, and the line went dead.

  I sat in the truck. My mind raced. Why had I gotten myself mixed up in all this shit? Why had I allowed Andrés to take control?

  I should have known better. I should have been more mindful about my decisions. I had fucked up, and now Marcy’s blood was on my hands.

  A knock on the window brought me out of my internal drama. Sophia stood on the sidewalk, her dark, intense eyes boring into mine.

  I got out and sighed. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

  “I didn’t mean to run out like a stupid girl,” she replied. “You just enrage me, sometimes. You’re a closed book, Ash. I don’t know why, but you’ve gotten under my skin, and I can’t handle that.”

  I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her. “I’m sorry, okay? It’s just . . . there are some things I can’t explain. Marcy was a bitch, but it doesn’t take away the fact that my best friend is devastated. I have to be there for him. I hate myself for not really giving a shit, but what can I do?”

  “So you’re down here, evaluating how you feel over the death of a woman you despised?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “In short, yes.”

  “I’m not going to pretend to understand any of this, but if you need to talk, you can.”

  “I think I’m done talking. My head is splitting, and I’ve got to pick Jake up in a few hours.”

  “Then, try and sleep,” she said. “Come on, I’ll keep you company.”

  Sophia took my hand and led me inside the apartment block.

  A part of me was glad she had come back. I was worried about revealing too much to her. For now, I needed rest. The shit storm had to wait.

  Tensions were high as the week progressed. With Sophia packing up, and arrangements being made for Marcy’s funeral, there wasn’t a part of me that could settle.

  I accompanied Danny to Marcy’s place, where he met her mother. I waited in the hall, feeling sick to my stomach, knowing what had happened here. I was sure the guilt showed on my face.

  Her mother appeared and tried to smile. “Hello, Ashley,” she said.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Adelaide,” I replied, and shook her hand.

  Danny stood beside her, holding a box. His bottom lip quivered.

  “It’s such a shock. I can’t quite get my head around it.”

  The unease swam through my veins. I wanted to get out of there. If there was one thing I couldn’t handle, it was my own lies.

  “I don’t know what we’re going to do,” Adelaide continued. “She’s left such a void, and had so much to live for.”

  I cleared my throat. “Sometimes, there’s no explaining the pain that death brings. It makes no sense to anyone other than those going through the loss.”

  “Of course, you understand more than most.” She touched my arm and gave me a sympathetic look.

  I nodded. A terrible sickly sensation swarmed through me. The bile rose at the back of my throat, and sweat seeped across my palms.

  “We should go,” Danny said. “I’ll see you at the service.” He looked at Adelaide.

  “Thank you for coming round for these. I know she would have wanted you to have them, regardless of your differences.” She tried to smile again and turned her attention to me. “We hope you can make the service, Ashley.”

  “I shall try.”

  As soon as we left Marcy’s place, the sickness subsided, but the guilt remained.

  “Thanks for doing this. I know it can’t have been easy for you,” Danny said, getting into the truck.

  “Don’t worry about it. You know I’ve got your back,” I replied, trying my best to keep myself in check.

  I was a hypocrite. The worst kind of friend. I was fast becoming the shady man I had avoided all these years.

  “Are you really going to come to the service?”

  I shook my head. “You know I can’t. Not after everything. I just can’t, Danny. I’m sorry.”

  “I know.” He looked down at his hands. “Everything is so fucked up.”

  “Yup.” I sighed. “I think life likes to fuck the good guys about.”

  “You got that right,” he replied. “But we come back stronger.”

  Even though he was going through an internal struggle, Danny never ceased to surprise me. He would overcome this. He’d learn to live with it, move on, and find happiness.

  I needed to follow the same way of thinking. It was just taking me a little longer.

  Sophia stood by her car. She’d swept her hair back into a ponytail, looking more beautiful than ever. I’d helped her load the car with boxes, all the while dreading having to say goodbye. She slid her hands into the pockets of her jeans and gazed at me.

  “Thank you for helping me,” she said.

  “You know I wouldn’t have let you do this all on your own.”

  She raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Why? Because I’m a girl, and I couldn’t possibly do this on my own?”

  “Ah, don’t go busting my balls.” I chuckled.

  “I’m gonna miss you, Ash Benton.” She moved closer to me.

  I cupped her face with my hands and brushed my nose lightly against hers. “The feeling’s mutual, Miss Dubois.”

  I kissed her tenderly. It was too much to bear. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her she couldn’t go. Yet, there was no way I could ever step in her way. She was set in her ways and had her own demons to face back in New Orleans.

  “I guess this is goodbye,” she muttered.

  “I hate goodbyes.”

  “Maybe you and Jake can come out and visit me one day.” She tried to smile, but her bottom lip quivered.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I blurted.

  She shook her head and broke free from our embrace. “Ash, please don’t do this. I’ve got to be with my family. My mother can’t die hating me. Please understand this.”

  “I know. I’m just being a selfish dick.”

  “No, you’re not. Believe me, I’d stay in a heartbeat if I could, but because of everything back home, I’ve got to put my family first,” she said, rubbing a tear from her cheek. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

  “You can’t blame a man for trying.”

  Sophia rested her head against my chest.

  I held onto her.

  “No, I can’t.”

  “Promise you’ll drive carefully and take many pit stops.”

  She laughed. “I have my route planned, so there’s no need for panicking.”

  The swirling sensation inside my stomach made me nervous. This was goodbye, and I hated it.

  “Okay, Romeo, I gotta make tracks,” she said, and stepped away from me.

  I cleared my throat and ran a hand across the back of my neck. “Call me when you stop for the night.”

  “You bet,” she replied, opening the car door and slipping inside. She slid the window open. “And Benton?”

  “Yup?”

  “You were the best thing to happen to me for a long time.”

  Her words made me desperate for her to stay. I had long convinced myself that there would never be another after Connie. Sophia had revived me, giving me the chance to find some kind of happiness. Losing her now was the worst possible thing to happen.

  “Don’t say things like that when you’re leaving,” I said. “It makes this even harder.”

  She looked away from me and started the ignition. “Don’t look at this in a negative way. Instead, focus on you, Jake, and getting back on duty. Once all that is done, maybe there’s an adventure in the future. You just never know what’s around the corner.”

  I slid my hands into the pockets of my jeans a
nd smiled at her, chuckling and remembering the first time I laid eyes on her.

  “I think you and I could have many adventures,” I replied. “But until then, please be safe.”

  “I always am. But now, I depart.” She gazed at me one last time. “Jusqu'à la prochaine fois.” Sophia blew me a kiss before driving off.

  I stood on the sidewalk, watching her leave. The greatest sense of impending doom gripped me tight. Why did I always lose those I got close to? Not wanting to wallow in any kind of self-pity, there was somewhere I had to be.

  Joe grinned when I entered the office. “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

  “Well, it’s been an odd few weeks.”

  “That it has,” he agreed. “Take a seat.”

  “So, you wanted to see me?”

  He nodded and relaxed against the chair. “Danny came to see me and explained a few things.”

  “I see.”

  “Marcy was very convincing, and quite frankly, she made a fool out of me,” he remarked. “But I will not speak ill of the dead. Just know that you have my sincerest apologies.”

  “I understand now, but at the time, not so much,” I replied. “But I get it. She pulled the wool over many.”

  “So now, I think it’s high time you resumed your role here, don’t you?” His face—weathered and lined with wrinkles—was warm as the words left his mouth.

  I sighed with relief, glad to be back in the fold and a part of something I loved. I never knew how much I missed my job, not until it was taken from me. All the power gone because of one nasty human being.

  “That’s like sweet music to my ears,” I replied, and nodded. “When?”

  “I’ll have you on the rota in no time.” Joe sat forward, resting the palms of his hands on the table. “This is your home, Ash. You’re respected here. It’s not the same without you.”

  “Thanks, Joe. That means a lot.”

  “And with Sophia gone, we need you more than ever.”

  Why did he have to mention her? I was already dealing with the inner turmoil of knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her again, mentioning her was like rubbing salt into the wound.

  “I understand,” I muttered.