Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “Of course, you can,” Sophia replied, and took the glass from him.

  I watched him run around the well-maintained courtyard.

  He jumped from the steps, sniffed the flowers, and stared up at the cloudless blue sky with a smile on his face.

  “He’s so happy,” I said.

  “Well, he does have you as his father.” Sophia beamed.

  “You’re too smooth, Dubois.” I pointed my finger at her.

  Sophia reached her hand across the table and took my hand in hers. “I’m so glad you’re here. Both of you. I’ve been so lost.”

  “Well, we’re here now. That will give you some distraction.”

  “Thanks, Ash,” she whispered.

  “What for?”

  “For giving me a chance when you could have easily hated me.” Her voice broke.

  Hate was such a strong word, and I never liked using it often. Sophia and I hadn’t gotten off to a good start when we first met, but I was sure I didn’t hate her. She grated on me for all the wrong reasons, but that’s as far as it went.

  I gave her hand a gentle squeeze and smiled. “I like taking chances on the very things that test me.”

  “Is that so?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “You know it.”

  An elderly man entered the courtyard from the rear of the property and eyed Jake.

  Jake stopped moving and stared as the man walked toward him.

  Sophia stood and greeted the man. “Papa,” she said, and strolled across the yard to where her father stood. “Remember how I told you about my friends visiting from Chicago?”

  The man nodded and raised his eyes to mine.

  Sophia grabbed his arm and led him to where I stood. “Papa, this is, Ash.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” he said, extending his arm and taking my hand in his.

  We exchanged a firm handshake. He eyed the ink on my neck and arms.

  I wasn’t sure whether to be unnerved by his lack of words, or if he was judging me. Either way, I wouldn’t give a damn. He was Sophia’s father, and I had to respect that.

  “Likewise, Mr. Dubois,” I replied.

  “Less of the formalities,” he said. “You can call me, Lucas.”

  I smiled. “Very well, Lucas.”

  “And who is this handsome young man?” Lucas asked, smiling at Jake.

  “This is Jake, my son.”

  Lucas stared at Jake before turning to me once more. “He’s like you.”

  He was the first person to make that remark. I had been used to people telling me how much he and Connie were alike, it was strange, but it filled me with a sense of pride.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  From that moment on, the evening was relaxed.

  Jake charmed everyone who spoke to him.

  Sophia tried her best to show the good side of her family to me. She seemed content in having my company there. Beneath all the outward bravado, I could tell she was hurting.

  We slipped out into the courtyard for a few minutes alone.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled my face to hers. “I don’t want you to go back,” she whispered, her lips inches from mine.

  “Neither do I.” I brushed my nose against hers and kissed her, sucking her bottom lip into my mouth, biting it gently.

  She drew back and gasped. “No, Ash, not here. Not like this.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re invading my every waking thought, and it’s driving me insane.”

  Her pupils dilated, “Are we rushing things?”

  “No,” I replied. “I’ve lost so much already. Of all the things I’ve learned from the past year, it’s to live for each moment, and grab what’s in front of you, regardless of what your head tells you. I was stuck in my own torment for so long, afraid of letting anyone else in, and hurting the whole time. You changed that and saved me from myself, which has to mean that this is a risk worth taking.”

  “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” she muttered.

  “I’m not saying anything,” I replied, cupping her face with my hands. “I’m telling you.”

  “What?”

  “I’m in love with you.”

  Sophia burst into tears and hugged me tight.

  Her sobs had me almost at breaking point. It wasn’t the reaction I thought I’d get. In fact, I hadn’t even planned on expressing how I was feeling, because I hadn’t a clue up until this point. Being here with her, holding her, seeing the world she came from—it opened up the truth, and I couldn’t live without her. I loved her and for now, that was all that mattered.

  Sophia composed herself and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Way to go, idiot.”

  “What did I do?”

  “I’ve never been in love like this,” she admitted. “Not properly. It’s so new and scary, and is happening at the worst time in my life, but I am crazy in love with you, Ash. I told myself there was no way in hell I’d fall for you, but dammit, you have stolen my heart, and I can’t let you go.”

  I found the confirmation that every choice I made had been for the greater good. No matter how torn I was inside about my indiscretions, Sophia was my second chance, and I had to make damned sure nothing got in the way.

  Sacrifices had to be made.

  Saying goodbye was harder than the first time, but I had work to get back to, and Sophia needed to concentrate on her family and rebuilding bridges. Jake and I had had the best time, but it was back to reality. I left New Orleans a renewed man with a deeper purpose in life.

  Danny kept to his word, and hadn’t fallen apart. Though he was putting on a brave face, I saw through the facade.

  “You okay?” I asked as we did the rounds.

  “Of course. Why?” he replied, not once looking up from his paperwork.

  “You seem off.”

  He turned and glared at me. “The reports came back about Marcy’s crash.”

  That got my attention.

  “And?”

  “No brake fluid. They failed. It was an accident.”

  The words sent a wave of relief through me, but I had to think of my friend. “At least the report has answered all those questions bubbling inside that head of yours.”

  “I know. It just feels so weird.” He paused, ticked something off on his sheet, and sighed. “It’s like, one day, I’m okay, and I’m at peace with her death. The next, I’m reminded of everything we should have had, and she threw it all away.”

  “Grief’s a bastard.”

  “Yeah, but I’ve told myself I have to move on from this, or I’m going to drive myself crazy,” he said. “So, fuck it. I need to get laid and drunk, and everything in between.”

  I stared at him. “Are you sure?”

  “Man, what else is there if I don’t try and live? Marcy and I were over a long time ago. Her death has only brought closure to that part of my life. It’s been hard accepting the finality of it all, but it’s over, and I have a life to live.”

  Hearing Danny accept things was sobering. It made my own guilt dissipate, which made my life a little easier. Regardless of how well Danny moved on with his life, I had to live with my secrets.

  “So getting drunk and laid is on the agenda?” I chuckled.

  “Damned right. I need to blow a few cobwebs,” he replied with a huge grin.

  I laughed. “So, you’re back in the game?”

  “Hell yes, and my first port of call shall be a tight-assed brunette that just so happens to love a man in uniform.”

  It was good seeing Danny acting like his old self. Things would be tough, but he had the right kind of attitude to get over the loss of Marcy. In a way, he was following the same advice he’d given me.

  “New Orleans seems to have brightened you up some,” he remarked.

  “Hey, this conversation is all about you, not my love life.”

  He pointed a finger at m
e and raised an eyebrow. “Ah, your love life, huh?”

  “The less you know, and all that jazz,” I replied.

  “Well, here’s the thing, Jake loves to spin a tale or two,” Danny whispered, and grinned at me.

  “Yeah, I bet.”

  “So, technically your secret isn’t really a secret anymore.” Danny was fishing.

  I scratched the back of my head. “Yeah, maybe you and I ought to have a talk.”

  “I knew it.” He laughed and shook his head. “Did you drop the L word?”

  “Danny, cut it out.” I walked away from the truck with him hot on my tail.

  “Oh, my fucking God, you did.”

  Not wanting to reply, I made my way back up to the office. Danny was always going to be the first to know, I just wanted the timing to be right. He was intent on getting the information, then and there.

  Danny closed the door behind him and sat down, folding his arms across his chest. “So, tell me.” A cheesy grin spread across his face.

  “Jesus Christ,” I muttered.

  “Nope, he’s not here.”

  I sat down, and smiled. “Don’t be such a smartass.”

  “So, fill me in.”

  “I may have feelings for her,” I admitted.

  “Maybe? Pull the other one. You forget, I know you. I know that whole loved up thing you got going on.”

  I sighed and avoided looking at him. “She’s very special.”

  “Come on, man, just fucking admit it. You’re in love with her.” Danny shook his head.

  “Okay, I am. I’m crazy about her, and I can’t imagine my life without her,” I said.

  “But?”

  “But I feel so guilty.” My stomach spun in a knot as Connie’s face flashed through my head.

  “Listen, you’ve got to give yourself a break. You know Connie would give you her blessing,” Danny replied. “She’d want you and Jake to be happy.”

  “I know.” I looked down at my hands. “I’m just feeling a little nostalgic when I think about leaving the past.”

  “Ash, we all have to move on from the past at some point in our lives. It’s difficult, but damn, it’s time, and you know it.”

  Danny had a knack for making me think. While I had already made my mind up about my future, it still felt like I was ripping my soul apart.

  “I suppose the truth is I’m scared. Jake loves her, and she’s so good to him. We both need a woman in our lives. As much as I thought I didn’t, Sophia has proven me wrong. It’s just a little daunting, considering there was never anyone else other than Connie.” I paused. “Which is why I came to a decision the moment I came back home.”

  “I think I know where this is going,” Danny remarked.

  “I think change is what is needed.” I stared at my best friend and saw the blood drain from his face. “I hate the thought of giving everything up here, but you know how it is. I can’t ask her to leave her family. Not now that she’s fixing things. The only other option is me moving down there.”

  Danny sighed and ran a hand down his face. “You have to do what is right for you, Jake, and Sophia. Don’t worry about anyone else.”

  “But this will break my mother’s heart, not to mention Michelle’s.” I sighed.

  “So what?” He sat forward on the chair. “You’ve been living in the shadow of grief for far too long. If they love you, they’ll let you go.”

  “I know that, Danny. I just hate the thought of taking Jake away from them.”

  Danny stood and slid his hands in his pockets me. “Then stay, forget your happiness, all because you are worried about everyone else.”

  “Don’t be a dick.”

  “I’m not, but you always seem to find some excuse to never do what you want.” He kept his eyes locked on me. “If you keep living like this, you’re going to hate yourself on your deathbed.”

  “Danny, you didn’t listen to a word I said.”

  He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Then, enlighten me.”

  “I’m going. My mind is made up,” I announced.

  It was the truth. I loved my family and friends. I didn’t want to cause them any unnecessary pain, but Sophia was where I saw my future, and I had to follow my gut.

  “About fucking time,” he replied, smiling.

  “Are you that eager to get rid of me?” I raised an eyebrow.

  Danny laughed hard. “Nah, I just want your job.”

  “Of course, you do, but until I go, get back to work,” I ordered with a grin.

  Danny flicked the birdie at me before leaving the office.

  I was actually relieved that I had told him my intentions. Under normal circumstances, Danny would have already known, but things had progressed so fast that I hadn’t gotten around to fulfilling my personal obligation to him.

  This was the first time in my life when I had control of my future. Everything else had been taken away from me. Now I had a chance of rebuilding my life with someone who understood me and was on my wavelength. The whole thing was a gamble, but it was time for taking risks.

  “I’m not gonna lie, Ash,” Joe said. “It’s going to be hard letting you go.”

  I took a sip of my beer and hated myself for letting him down. “It’s just time, Joe.”

  “I understand. You should do what’s right for you and the kid,” he said, his face sombre. “I suppose I could see the end coming anyway.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He took a swig of his whiskey, his eyebrows furrowed. “Ever since you lost Connie, I’ve felt that you were on borrowed time with us. Call it a hunch, but I had a feeling you’d be leaving us.”

  This was the first time Joe had mentioned anything about his suspicions. It was odd, and in a way, it made me feel guilty.

  “I didn’t know I was letting those kinds of signals off,” I replied.

  He chuckled. “Ash, you forget, I’m an old man. I know things.”

  “Throwing the old age card in, nice.” I laughed.

  “Not at all, but I’ve lived a full life, Ash, and I’ve seen things. You don’t do our line of work without learning a few things along the way.”

  He made a valid point.

  “Will you keep an eye on Danny for me?” I asked.

  “You know I will. He’s a big kid at heart.” Joe laughed. “But his heart is always in the right place.”

  “Thanks, Joe,” I said. “It’s going to be weird. We’ve been stuck like glue since we were kids, but I suppose we all have to go our own way eventually.”

  “That’s right, and just remember, you aren’t all that far away. If I know Danny, he will be visiting plenty.” Joe lifted the glass to his lips and stared at me over the rim. “What have your folks said?”

  That was one conversation killer.

  “I’ve not told them yet.”

  Wide-eyed, Joe shook his head. “Why?”

  “Because I know it’s going to break my mother’s heart,” I muttered.

  Joe grimaced and set his glass down, letting out a deep breath. “You need to leave now and go tell them. They should respect your wishes, regardless of how it will hurt them. I know your folks. They’re good people.”

  Deep down inside, Joe was right. I was being a coward, afraid of having to look my mother in the eye, telling her I was going, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.

  After I left the station, I took my time as I drove, thinking long and hard about what I was going to say. Tripping over my own tongue, I screwed up every time I thought of my mother’s face and how she’d react. There were some things in life I hated. This was one of them.

  My mother was surprised when I walked in, moments later.

  “Oh, is there something wrong?” she asked as I sat down next to my father.

  “Nope,” I replied. “I just need to talk to you guys.”

  “Sounds ominous,” my father remarked, and switched the TV off.

 
“Is Jake asleep?” I asked.

  “Yes, he went out like a light,” my mother said. “Is something wrong, Ashley?”

  I bit my lip as my neck began to ache. The stress was becoming apparent.

  “Spit it out, son,” my father said.

  I took a deep breath. “So, you know I’ve been kind of seeing Sophia,” I began. “Well, with her being down in New Orleans, it makes it more difficult having any kind of relationship. When Jake and I were visiting her, I came to a decision. I know it’s not what you will want to hear, but I have to think of me and Jake now.”

  My mother put a hand to her mouth.

  I couldn’t look her in the eye.

  “I put in for a transfer today.” I could feel the nervousness swarming in my stomach. “Jake and I will be moving down to New Orleans.”

  My mother gasped.

  I was overcome with utter regret. She would never have taken it easily.

  “Have you thought this through?” my father asked.

  “It’s all I’ve thought about, Dad,” I replied. “I love Sophia, and I can’t ask her to give her life up for me.”

  “So, you’re just going to pack up and leave?” My mother’s voice broke.

  “No, Mom, it’s not like that.” I shook my head. “You encouraged me to go and see her. Surely, you knew I was falling for her?”

  “I did. I just didn’t expect you to suddenly decide to leave.” She wiped her hand under her eye.

  “How does Jake feel about all this?” my father asked.

  “He doesn’t know the whole thing. I haven’t told him. He just knows that I love her and that she loves us both.”

  My father stared at his hands before looking at my mother. “Do you think she’ll make you happy? Will be she be a good mother to Jake?”

  “Yes.”

  “But surely it’s too soon!” my mother cried.

  “Mom, you’ve got to trust me on this. I need to go. I have to be with her. I’ve spent the last year completely broken. I swore I’d never let another woman in, but Sophia changed all that. She’s piecing all those broken parts of me back together. I think I deserve some kind of happy ending, and so does Jake.”

  My mother sat with her hands clasped together. She couldn’t look at me.

  “This is just going to destroy me.”