Chasing Jenna

by Micki Fredricks

  He lifted his napkin and patted his mouth before setting his hands down on either side of his plate. “Good. I know I don’t have the right to ask you who you spend time with, or who not to. You’re smart, I’m sure you understand me.”

  “Are you asking me not to spend time with Ryan?” He was obviously unaware that Ryan and I were not associating with each other.

  A small laugh escaped his lips and he shook his head. “No, not at all. I ‘m just asking you to please be careful how much time you spend with any man, but especially Ryan. I introduced you to him because I know he’s a nice guy. But you are a stunning woman, Jenna. Even a man with the best intentions can be swayed by your kind of beauty. Believe me, I know.”

  His eyes connected with mine and electricity surged through me. I desperately needed to touch him. He hadn’t crossed any lines since the night in the car, always being the perfect gentleman and leaving me wanting more and more from him every time he was near.

  He frequently talked about the control I held in my beauty, and the power I was unaware of. I decided it was time to test those theories.

  “You do?” I asked. I reached out and ran my fingers over his hand. His stare turned intense. I continued to softly rub my fingers over his knuckles, never breaking our stare. Boldness was not usually in my character, but I had also never had Cale Davis in my life, and I wanted him to cross that stupid line again. I needed to feel my sacrifices had purpose.

  His voice was a throaty whisper, he answered, “Yes, you can be very hard to resist.”

  “Why do you have to resist anything?” I asked quietly.

  “I’m not sure why, I just know I do. And that makes me ...” He shook his head slowly and gave me a smirk. “You have no idea the thoughts I have running through my head about you. The things I want to do to you, to teach you.”

  “Well, Mr Davis,” I bit my lower lip and flashed him a smile, “We’ve already established that I’m a great student.”

  He grabbed onto my hand and was quickly out of his chair, pulling me behind him. My heart beat wildly in my chest. He stopped just long enough to pay the hostess. I stood restlessly just behind him, rubbing my hand softly on his side but it wasn’t enough. I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his waist, letting my body press against his. A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he stole a quick glance over his shoulder at me. His eyes flashed to my mouth, and quickly we were moving again, out the door and across the parking lot toward his car. I was nearly running to keep up with him, surprised when we kept going past his car.

  “Where are you taking me?” He didn’t answer, just kept walking toward the alley that ran between our restaurant and the building next to it. I slowed a bit but he continued to hold onto my hand. Something inside of me cringed.

  We reached the shadows the tall brick walls of the buildings provided. He dropped my hand and walked a few more steps. With his back to me, he ran his hands through his hair slowly.

  I trembled as a chill ran up my back. Darkness surrounded us; I looked over my shoulder toward his car sitting in the lighted parking lot. I had a sudden urge to run into the light. No one could see us here, and I suspected no one could hear us either, unless I was screaming. I really hoped it didn’t come to that.

  He started pacing. I tried to swallow but my mouth was dry. I kept my eyes on him, trying to anticipate his next move.

  “Cale,” I whispered.

  “You just don’t understand the kind of pressure I’m under,” his voice was tight, “My father … he is a very powerful man and has high expectations for me.” He stopped and looked right at me. “He expects me to be running our part of the business within the next two years, Jenna … two years. I never asked for this. I never wanted this.” His pacing increased and he ran his hands down his face.

  I stood still and silent. I had seen people like this before. It was clear that Cale was not in his right mind. I knew a sudden movement might make him lose it, and from my experience, that never ended well for me.

  The dampness of the alley crawled up my bare legs and I started to shake. I wanted to wrap my arms around myself to try and hold it together, but that would bring attention to myself.

  His eyes locked onto my face but he looked through me. I gasped at the sight of his face. His eyes were changed ... emotionless. He was completely inside his head right now, fighting whatever internal demons lived there.

  My body’s instinct to get me out of this situation overtook my level head that was screaming to stand still. I took a few small steps backward toward the parking lot.

  He rushed toward me – a predator closing the distance on his pray. I held my breath and closed my eyes, stiffening my body to prepare for whatever he had planned.

  He gripped tightly around my neck as he backed me up against the rough wall, forcefully pushing himself up against me, making me straddle his legs. His breathing was heavy on my neck and I struggled to control my own. Confusion coursed through me. I wasn’t supposed to like this, but I could not deny the pleasure I was feeling. Tears flooded my eyes as the confusion of these feelings swirled around me. I flattened my hands against the wall, surrendering. He ran his free hand up the side of my body, cupping my breast and pushing himself even harder into me while tightening the grip on my neck.

  “You make me crazy. I can’t fucking think, Jenna. I crave you, I can’t get enough.” He pressed a hard, passionate kiss onto my lips. There was nothing careful or gentle about it. It tasted of pure lust and his intent was to consume me. When he finally pulled away, my lips throbbed from the assault. “My father would call you a distraction,” he growled.

  My mouth dropped open as a rush of heat surged through my body. I moaned and pushed back against his leg, trying to get some relief from the intense desire that controlled me right now. A frenzied look crossed his face. I didn’t know what to do, nothing made sense. I should be terrified, I should fight back, but I wanted him, I didn’t care if he hurt me. I deserved it, needed it … wanted it.

  “Cale, please.” I reached behind him, twisting my hands in his shirt, trying to get him as close to me as I could. “Please, do something ... anything …” Suddenly his hands were all over me, rough and aggressively attacking me. It was painful and shocking and I loved it…and wanted more. He lifted me off the ground and I wrapped my legs around him. I pulled his mouth to mine, taking his hungry kisses over and over until I had to break free to breathe.

  He buried his face in my neck and held onto me, still pressing me between his body and the brick wall. “Damn it,” he whispered forcefully. The air between us changed and I knew that it was over again.

  He took a deep breath and whispered, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” He lowered me down to my feet, still pressing his weight against me. I put my hands flat against his chest as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, begging my body to calm down. I tried to push against him, wanting to get some space between us.

  “No, wait.” He begged holding on to me. I pushed harder and harder until I was pounding my fists against his chest. He stood there motionless until I had exhausted myself. I pressed my forehead against his chest and let the tears come.

  “Please move,” I sobbed. He shifted slightly and I slipped past him, running toward the parking lot. I tried to regain my composure and the tiny shreds of dignity he‘d left me; while the word ‘distraction’ swirled in my head.

  >CHAPTER EIGHTEEN<

  I stood in the darkness of my dorm room, trying to slow my breathing. White dots speckled my vision while I held myself, trying to stop the uncontrollable shaking. The memory of Cale’s hands touching me made me feel dirty and disgusting. I thrust my hands into my hair, squeezing my temples to relieve the throb in my head, trembling as I realized what I’d been willing to do to fill the void Ryan had left.

  Who had I turned into? I braced myself against the door and slid down until my knees were against my body. Resting my head back and rolling it from side to side, I wondered how I’d become
this person. My life was filled with lies.

  I pictured Ryan’s face – it always came back to him. My heart began the slow ripping that only happens when you realize you’ve betrayed someone you love. I gasped from the pain, covering my mouth with one hand while pushing the other against my chest.

  I was breathless … needing to cry out to relieve the agony. But this type of pain refuses to be comforted. It consumes everything, staying inside and reaching into the places where only the worst kind of damage can be done.

  Fear was nothing new to me. But I’d always fought to keep away the destruction someone else was capable of. Now, I fought the fear of what I’d become because of the damage I had inflicted upon myself. I didn’t know how to change things back.

  A numbing washed over my body, an unnatural calming that can only happen when pain wins and leaves you broken. I straightened my legs in front of me as my arms fell to the side – the tears slowed. Not because I felt better, but because my mind had developed a shut-off switch to save me from falling into real depths of darkness … The kind I could get lost in for a lifetime.

  Once this fake calm took over, I noticed the shadow sitting in the dark by the window. His long legs were bent up in front of him. Muscular forearms hung over his knees, holding a bottle of something. His black baseball cap was turned backward and his head hung down. The moonlight shone in the window throwing a shadow on his face, but I wasn’t afraid – I knew exactly who he was.

  I should’ve been embarrassed about what he’d seen, or pissed he’d come here at all. But I didn’t have enough energy left for extreme emotion like that.

  “Hey, Ryan,” I whispered, wiping tears off my cheek.

  “Hey,” he said softly. He took a long drink of whatever was in the bottle and wiped his mouth. Turning the cap around on his head he pulled it down low and squeezed the bill.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  I looked away from him, “I’m not sure.”

  He took another drink. His voice was laced with anger this time, “Did he hurt you?”

  My chest constricted. He had no idea my misery came from his absence, and I wasn’t sure what it would do to him if he did. I wanted so badly to tell him the truth. But I couldn’t, he had too much to lose. My throat tightened, making my voice crack when I responded to him. “Not in the way you think.”

  He nodded slightly nodded, thinking he understood.

  “What are you doing here?”

  He slowly shook his head while taking a quick deep breath, “I really don’t know. I guess I’m kind of lost.”

  “You and me both,” I whispered.

  “Yep, me and you, best friends – both lost.” He brought the bottle up to his mouth one more time. “Yet somehow we found our way back to each other.”

  “I’m sorry you had to see …” He cut me off with a wave of his hand.

  “It’s no secret what he does to you, Jen. It’s written all over your face whenever he’s around.” He took another drink from his bottle.

  “That’s why…” He pushed himself up.

  “That’s why, what?” I asked.

  “Nothing, never mind.”

  I struggled to my feet, exhausted from everything I’d been through. His gray t-shirt stretched across his body tightly. He lifted his cap, ran his hand over his hair, then pulled it back on. Noticeable swelling under his eyes made my heart ache. His facial hair was longer than the day I’d seen him and Dana on the street – he was a mess. Hiding his face with his cap, he kept his eyes to the ground.

  “That’s why, what?” I whispered.

  His stance was ridged as he pushed his hands into his pockets. Something inside of me broke loose, a longing for my soul to be reconnected to his. I hesitated, but then rushed to him, sliding my arms around his body. My heart pounded with joy at his closeness. He’d been gone for so long and I missed everything about him. I pressed my cheek up against his chest and took a deep breath, listening to his heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound in the world.

  “Jen,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, “I’ve missed you.” I rested in his comfort as he held me close with one arm and ran the other slowly up and down my back.

  “I’ve missed you too,” I cried as I looked up at him.

  A tear slipped down his cheek, I brushed it away. With my touch, he closed his eyes, allowing more tears to slide down. He cocooned me in his arms, trying to get as close as possible.

  “I’m so sorr ...” I placed a finger across his lips to quiet him. I couldn’t re-hash the mess our lives had become. I just needed to be here with him.

  “Hey,” I whispered. He opened his eyes, the tears wetting his long black eyelashes. “It’s going to be okay.” I said. His eyes searched mine for something.

  “Is it? Do you really believe that?” He took a step away from me and put both of his hands on his head. His voice weak and pleading, he said, “Because I don’t see this getting any better.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He dropped his arms to his side dramatically, his face full of pain and confusion. “Do you not understand why I ‘m here? Do you really not know how I feel about you?”

  Ryan, I mean, I guess I ...”

  His temper flared so quickly I jumped. “You guessed what, Jenna? You guess that since I walked out of this room last time my feelings for you have changed?”

  “What are you talking about? You have Dana. You were pretty clear … what was it you said; I needed to ‘move on’ because you clearly had.”

  “And you follow Cale around like a love sick teenager. He strings you along and you fall for it every time. Let’s see, does this sound familiar; he rejects you, you throw a fit, he buys you something expensive, and you’re right back to square one. What’s the matter with you? You’re better than that, Jenna. Even if he can’t see it – I know it.”

  He turned his back to me and reached for the window. I grabbed for him, pulling on the back of his t-shirt. “Wait one second. Don’t think you can just drop all of this and then leave. Why the hell did you even come here?”

  He turned quickly, grabbing my face between his hands. “You’re supposed to be mine.”

  He leaned in and touched his lips softly to mine. I melted into him, both physically and emotionally. He was right; I was supposed to be his.

  I should’ve pulled away, but didn’t. I wanted to feel needed, loved and all the other things he had promised me. He pulled away from me, searching my eyes for something.

  “Ryan,”

  “No, please don’t say it; I came here thinking maybe, just maybe. But after seeing you when you got back ...”

  His lips were back on mine, soft and caring, nothing like Cale’s.

  “I can be what you need tonight, please. Let me take care of you … In every way,” He whispered into my ear. His soft lips traced down my neck as he pressed his hand flat against my back, holding me close to him. “Let me show you with my body how I feel about you in my heart.”

  Tears fell from my eyes. I didn’t care what the consequences of our actions would be. I needed relief from this emotional nightmare I’d gotten myself into. This was right – I wanted him as much as he needed me.

  I ran my hand under his shirt and against his bare chest, feeling every muscle tighten as my fingertips ran over them. He lifted his arms, allowing me to lift his shirt over his head.

  Looking up at him through hooded eyes, I laid my hand over where his heart was and felt the steady beat. He covered my hand with his.

  “I need you to know something,” he whispered.

  I kissed his chest lightly. He closed his eyes as I ran my hands up his chest. When I got to his shoulders, I ran my fingertips up the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. Our lips were so close I could feel his breath.

  “This will change me, Jenna.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There will be no one else after you. Even if this is our only night together, for the rest of my life, it will be
your face I see.” He pulled me into his chest and held me. “I will give everything up for you.”

  My whole body stiffened – it was all crystal clear to me. Being with me meant he would be giving up his place in The Brotherhood. Going against Cale like this, meant everything he’s been waiting for, all of his dreams, would be gone.

  That’s the moment I knew I would never be good enough for him either. I pushed down a sob, a half-second before it escaped. I took several steps back away from him, cringing against the sting in my chest.

  “Ryan, I can’t do this. I don’t feel that way about you.” The lie singed my lips and burned my soul. I knew what I was doing to him, but it was better this way. His expression turned desperate as he stepped toward me.

  “Just try, Jen. I know I’m not Cale, but I can be everything you need – I promise.” He reached for each of my arms and I moved quickly out of his way.

  “No,” I yelled. “I don’t want this. Don’t you understand? If I do this with you I can kiss my chance with Cale goodbye.” He looked at me with disbelief.

  “What does he have that I don’t? Is it the money, because I have money.”

  “No, it’s not that.”

  “Then what? I don’t care that you’ve already had sex with Cale. He’s not right for you – I am.”

  “What? I have not had sex with him.”

  “Well everyone thinks you have so what’s the difference? Just give me a damn reason why you don’t want me.”

  Confusion swirling in my head … Of course he thought I was sleeping with Cale. Why wouldn’t he? I acted like I was, and most likely would have tonight if he hadn’t stopped it. But now, I was about to do the same thing to Ryan that Cale had done to me, time and time again – reject him.

  “Well that’s just great. The least you can do is give me a reason. Shit, Jenna, tell me you think I’m stupid, or ugly, but say something – you owe me that.”

  With a voice laced with hatred I felt for myself, “I don’t owe you anything.”