Chasing Jenna

by Micki Fredricks

  The room went deadly silent. He walked past me toward the door but stopped just inches from it. His breaths were raspy and labored. Even with his back to me, I could sense all the tension rolling off of him. His shoulders raised and fell erratically and he ran his hand through his hair.

  The emotion in this room was so thick it was suffocating me. I felt the finality in what I said and knew this would be the last time I was alone with Ryan.

  Nausea racked my body as my mind flooded with every laugh, every touch, and every kiss we’d shared. Tears fell from my eyes and I brushed them away hard, pissed my heart was such a traitor to the act I was trying to put on. The pain was nearly fatal. I needed to be strong for him; I was not about to let him give up everything for me.

  When he spoke, my heart ached a little harder at the sound of his pain.

  He whispered, “Jenna ... Jenna please. Please don’t hate me.”

  I wanted to tell him there was no way I could ever hate him. I wanted to beg forgiveness and wrap my arms around his waist and bury myself in everything that was him. But I didn’t speak a word; I couldn’t bear to hear my own voice even respond to him. I was disgusted with myself. Nothing I could say could make this any better; it would only cause more pain. And there had been enough of that tonight.

  “I need something from you.” He laid his head lightly against the door and continued when I didn’t speak.

  “Please, ask me to stay – just for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll leave and that will be it. I won’t bother you ever again. But tonight, just let me make love to you like it’s just you and me. Let me hold you like you’re mine, and kiss you like we have every tomorrow ahead of us.” With his head hung low, he turned to me.

  “Please Jenna, one word, just ask me to stay and all that I am, will be yours tonight. I will love you with everything I have.”

  The dark room closed in around me as I focused on my voice. I needed him to believe this.

  “You were right. I am his, even if he doesn’t want me.”

  Tears streamed from his beautiful blue eyes and he shook his head in disbelief. “Then what are we?” He pointed back and forth between us. The emotions that swarmed inside of me took over and tears spilled everywhere. My body shook.

  “What are we?” he demanded.

  “We are nothing!” I screamed. My heart shattered at the sound of my own words. The pain coursed through me in waves.

  He steadied himself against the door. His hands curled in fists, but the anger was too much for him. “I can’t believe you!” he shouted. His hands moved so quickly, I only heard the pounding of his fist on the door. I cringed as he smashed his hand over and over, yelling out in a rage the whole time.

  I lifted my chin higher in an attempt to look more convincing. The numbness from before washing over me again, but this time it was from my own personal betrayal of my heart.

  He marched past me, slid the window open and climbed onto the fire escape.

  I turned to face him, pleading, “Please come back inside, you’ve been drinking and if you fall you could get hurt.”

  He stood, bracing himself on the window frame, looking back in at me. “Now you’re worried about me? Wow, you’re really something.” He glanced over his shoulder toward the ground. “It couldn’t hurt any more than what just happened in here.” Turning his back to me, he started down the fire escape. “I’m done. Cale can have what’s left of you.”

  I crumbled to the floor as soon as he was out of sight. The whole room spun and I welcomed the darkness I had so desperately fought to keep away.

  >CHAPTER NINETEEN<

  “I’m not sure I can hide the dark circles under your eyes.” Katie dabbed her concealer – covered finger under my eyes one last time as she shook her head at me. “Did you sleep at all?” She knew the answer to that question.

  I moved over to the full length mirror she had propped up. My blonde hair was pulled tight and high on my head in a perfectly round bun. A simple string of pearls circled my neck and matched the pearl earrings Katie had picked out. I ran my hands down my sides – straightening the pink fitted bodice of the dress that laid perfectly at my hips, where it met a white and pink striped pleated skirt, which stopped just below my knees.

  Slipping my feet into the nude-colored heels that Katie offered, I took one last look in the mirror. I looked nothing like myself – it was perfect.

  “You did a great job picking this out, thank you.”

  Katie gave me a sad look. “Have you talked to either one of them?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t expect to hear from either of them and honestly, I didn’t want to. Cale was too confusing and Ryan was pissed. I was on my own today.

  “Maybe you should just skip it. I mean seriously, screw both of them.”

  I gathered every ounce of energy I had, “I can’t.” My throat was scratchy and my head pounded from the lack of sleep. I had an internal shaking that started after Ryan left and had not stopped since.

  “Well, you look beautiful.”

  I glanced down at my dress, running my hands over it again. It was a beautiful dress.

  “Your ride will be here in a few minutes.”

  She opened the door and turned back toward me. “Are you ready?”

  I pulled my shoulders back and walked toward her. She stopped me before I could get out the door.

  “I want you to know that this sponsorship does not define you. You are beautiful, smart and an amazing friend. Remember at the end of this day, no matter what happens, you will still be all of those things.”

  I hugged her tight. She was the only person in my life that had never wanted or needed anything in return. She loved me for me.

  The driver waited outside the dorms. He opened the back door of the car when he saw me coming, “Good evening, Miss Clausen,” he said tipping his hat to me. I slid into the back seat, trying to ignore the chill of the leather seats on my legs.

  He shut the door, closing out all noise and surrounding me in silence – I felt completely isolated. Time seemed to slow down as we drove past the other students on campus. I wondered if they had stories like mine – if they were happy and satisfied – or if we were all just trying to escape some part of our lives; with the hope there was something better.

  The dark tinted windows added to the lonely feelings invading my mind. I twisted my hands in my lap. I’d made a full swing from the poor girl with nobody who cared – to riding in fancy cars and wearing designer dresses while on my way to meet a roomful of very powerful men – but yet ... here I was, still alone.

  The Brotherhood House was massive. It sat alone in the middle of the block with a deep front yard, commanding attention in a cold and isolated way. A waist high stone wall separated the grounds from the sidewalk, running from one end of the block to the other – allowing no confusion that this property belonged to important people. The front of the house had matching stone blocks and above the front door hung a huge plaque carved from the same stone. It read, “The House of The Brotherhood”. Wrought iron fencing ran along each side of the walk leading to the front door.

  When the car stopped, so did my heart. I closed my eyes and prayed the driver would just keep going. When I heard the door open, I gingerly turned toward him but stopped. He leaned slightly into the car, “Would you like me to get Mr. Davis to accompany you to the house?”

  I quickly shook my head, “No, that won’t be necessary.” I gathered up every bit of bravery I could muster and stepped outside of the car. It was eerily quiet. I suddenly wished I had paid more attention to the direction we were going. Cale had given me an idea of where the house was, but I was not exactly sure how to get back to my dorm. That shot down my fleeting thought of running for it.

  I started up the walk toward the house, my heels announcing my presence with every step.

  The door opened before I could knock and a man dressed in black pants and a white waiter’s jacket motioned me in with a sweep of his hand.

  “Miss Clausen
, please wait here. Someone will be out for you shortly.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered to his back as he left the room.

  I stood in the middle of a large open foyer. A crystal chandelier hung from the center of the room and under it stood a large round table with the biggest flower arrangement I had ever seen. I walked toward the table, cringing when my heel slid on the polished floor. To my right there was a large study with a fireplace, to my left – closed doors and an open staircase led up to an open balcony that looked down on the foyer.

  I jumped when the doors opened and an intimidating figure started toward me. A small gasp escaped. I lightly placed my finger tips on the table to steady myself. It was the same face, only older. I wasn’t sure if it was the wisdom of years lived that made him so attractive, or the way he carried himself. Confidence oozed from him. He expected what he wanted–and he deserved it.

  His green eyes locked onto mine as he strode toward me, with a predatory air about him. I held my breath, taking a tiny step backwards.

  “Hello, Jenna.” His voice was smooth but powerful. He extended his hand to mine and I froze. His smile faltered for just a second, but was quickly replaced. He took a step closer to me and leaned in. “The evaluation has already begun, please remember your training.”

  Even though he’d used pleasantries, I knew this wasn’t a request–it was a warning. What he was really saying was, ‘people are already watching you; don’t embarrass me or my son.’

  My mother’s voice bounced around inside of my head, “Don’t miss out on the biggest opportunity of your life.” Something inside me clicked.

  In that moment, I realized I was done letting these men take control of my destiny. My mom was right, this was the opportunity I was waiting for and I had messed everything up by letting my stupid emotions get involved – just like she always did.

  No longer – I was going home with this sponsorship, and if, after that, Cale wanted nothing else from me that was more than fine. Today, I would start making my own path. I was done letting my mother’s horrible life decisions dictate my reaction or non-reaction to things. The control was about to shift; this is what I had come here for. No more cowering in the closet, no more messed up little girl.

  So I leaned into the most powerful man I had ever met, and whispered, “I know my training sir, and I’m more than ready to become the next sponsored girl for The Brotherhood.” I stood tall, straightened my dress and inhaled deeply giving Mr. Davis a big smile. “Now, if the panel is ready for me, I would love to get this started.”

  Cale’s father let his eyes rest on my face for long enough that my heart beat wildly, making me want to squirm, but I stood my ground never looking away from him.

  Just when I thought I would lose it, he extended his arm to me and smirked. “Right this way, Miss Clausen.”

  >CHAPTER TWENTY<

  Cale insisted I come to the celebration party. I was in no mood to celebrate; even though I just found out I’d gotten the sponsorship. What I really wanted to do was to climb into my bed and sleep for days and days. But Cale was so excited when he called to give me the news, I couldn’t say no to him. Thinking back, I was not sure I’d ever said no to him.

  He hadn’t mentioned anything about what happened in the alley. I guess we were both taking another ‘pass’ and I was fine with it. Something inside me knew last night was the final time Cale and I would entertain the idea of being anything more than friends. I needed to move on in my own direction, by myself. No Cale … my choice. No Ryan … destiny’s choice.

  “How are you doing back there?” Katie walked a few feet ahead of me, holding tightly to Marcus’s hand. She glanced over her shoulder and flashed me a quick smile.

  “Awesome,” I answered in an excited, high-pitched voice stopping both Katie and Marcus in their tracks.

  “Why don’t you go ahead, we’ll catch up in a second?” Katie kissed Marcus on the cheek. He turned in my direction.

  “Jen, I don’t know what’s going on with you and my brother, or you and Cale, or you and ... anything really.” He was as comfortable in these emotional moments as his brother. “But you have us, we’re here for you.” He motioned back and forth between himself and Katie and winked at me.

  “I know,” I grumbled, feeling like the loser friend I was. “Thanks.” He leaned into Katie and whispered into her ear. Nodding her head at him, she turned to give me her full attention.

  “What’s going on with you,” she asked as she walked back to where I stood.

  “I don’t know.” I threw my hands in the air like a little kid throwing a fit.

  “Is this all about that stupid fight you and Ryan had?”

  “That was not a stupid fight; he practically called me a slut.” I had only given Katie parts of the story. Not because I wanted to keep anything from her, but if I was being honest, I couldn’t even handle all the drama of it myself … I didn’t want to force it onto someone else. I kept the intimate details to myself this time.

  “He did not. He said you were allowing people to assume things about you that weren’t true.”

  “Yes, things like I was having sex with Cale.”

  “Well honestly, Jenna, you weren’t doing anything to make people think any differently.”

  She was taking his side.

  “Are you seriously saying you don’t think he did anything wrong?”

  “No – the shit he pulled at Midnight was messed up. And I don’t even know what to think about last night. But what I am saying is, you need to relax. If you want to be with Cale, then be with him, but don’t get so pissed when Ryan doesn’t want to be around it. You know he has real feelings for you and he’s just trying to protect you.”

  “Protect me from what?” I huffed as I walked past her.

  “From yourself.” She said under her breath thinking I couldn’t hear her. Her heels clicked on the sidewalk as she tried to catch up to me, but I didn’t slow down.

  “Remember, I won’t be home tonight. Marcus leaves tomorrow for that trip the elders are sending him on. We got a hotel room.”

  I laughed at the way she sang the last part. Those two got hotel rooms all the time, even though she swore they hadn’t had sex yet.

  “Can’t wait to hear all the details.” I laughed as I slowed down and grabbed her arm. She smiled at me and I laid my head on her shoulder as we walked toward the party. “I’m sorry I’m such a bitch,” I said with a sigh.

  “It’s okay, I love you anyway.” She threw her head back and laughed out loud. Even if my entire world turned upside down, I knew after everything we had been through in the last few months … I would always have Katie.

  The fraternity house was enormous. It had to be at least three stories tall with a porch that wrapped around the first story and a deck around the second.

  There were people everywhere. As soon as we opened the door we were drowned in the craziness. A heavy fog of smoke lingered in the large house. The smell of it, mixed with alcohol and sweat was almost too much for my already sensitive stomach to handle. I covered my nose with my hand and tried to block it out. The rooms were wall to wall people. Most stood in little groups along the edges trying to yell over the pounding beat of the music while others transformed the center of the room into a makeshift dance floor.

  The party was so loud it was impossible to hear what anyone was saying. This was actually a good thing. I wasn’t ready to hear anyone else’s opinion of me. Now that I’d been chosen for sponsorship, I was sure there was a target on my back.

  Cale would be impossible to find in this mess of bodies; I sent a quick text.

  “At the front door, come and save me”

  Marcus waved his arms at us from across the room and mouthed for us to stay put, but that was impossible. Katie held onto me as we followed along the flow of people coming into the house. Some drunk in front of me turned suddenly, spilling beer all over himself. The whole crowd erupted with laughter and yelled “Beer foul”! The guy laughed and
threw his hands in the air, heading toward a wall where a line of tapped beer kegs sat. The crowd shifted with him and everyone was forced to move in the same direction, whether you wanted to or not. Katie held onto my hand as tight as she could while she pushed against the crowd and toward Marcus.

  The volume of the music lowered and the crowd began to chant drunk guy’s name. A group of guys lifted his legs above his head, suspending him into the air as he drank straight from the tapper. Everyone around him cheered and counted out loud. Apparently, making it the longest came with serious bragging rights.

  Marcus grabbed Katie’s hand and pulled us both to him, handing each of us a cup. I looked back at the guy who was still upside down.

  “It’s called a keg slam. When someone calls you out on a beer foul, you have to slam it straight from the keg,” Marcus said leaning into me so I could hear him.

  “Sounds like a blast.” I said sarcastically as I took a drink. It was flat and tasted like fermented apple juice. “Yuck, this stuff is nasty!”

  “What do you expect? I got it when I first got here so you wouldn’t have to wait in line. Hey, let’s go outside or something, it’s way too crowded in here.” He wrapped one arm around Katie’s neck and the other around mine; turning us both toward the direction we’d come from.

  “Are you crazy? I’m not going anywhere until that guy is done doing his keg slam. There’s no way we would get through there anyway,” Katie laughed. Marcus dropped his arms from our shoulders and shot Katie a quick side glance.

  Ryan’s voice cut through the other noise in the room. “Well, well … if it isn’t my soon to be sister-in-law and my ‘newly-sponsored, ex’-best friend’.”

  I rolled my eyes but my heart dropped when I looked at him, even drunk he was incredible. His dark hair was a mess. I knew he’d been running his hands through it like he always did when he was upset – but it looked good on him. What didn’t look good on him was Dana, who sat on his lap. No wonder Marcus tried to usher us out of here.

  Ryan wouldn’t look at me. He just sat on a dining room chair with little Miss Hottie all over him. His hand was on the back of her neck and I watched as he pulled her down whispering something into her ear. She giggled and I wanted to punch her right in the face.