The Pastor's Wife

by Jennifer AlLee

  Dr. Harris looked Maura in the eye. “I never told Pastor Shepherd about what happened. I honored your decision to keep it to yourself because telling him wouldn’t change anything. But this time it can.” Softening a bit, she patted Maura's hand. “I’ve heard through the Granger grapevine that you two are working toward reconciliation. That's good. You need to tell him what's happening with you. Trust me. You need his support now more than ever.”

  The rest of the meeting was a blur. Maura collected her papers and appointment slips and left the doctor's office with the woman's advice still ringing in her ears.

  It was a fifteen-minute drive from the medical building to Faith Community Church, but to Maura, it could have been an hour. She hit every red light and got stuck behind every slow-moving car and farm truck on the road. As she inched along, she told herself there was no reason to worry. The lump was probably nothing, but even if it was something, she’d caught it early and it could be treated. But what if she had cancer? What would treatment mean?

  Images of her mother flickered in her head like scenes on a movie screen. She saw the strong, vibrant woman who raised her, who sang while she worked in the garden and danced spur-of-the-moment jigs with Da. After the cancer diagnosis, all that changed. Maura watched her mother grow increasingly weaker. The chemo and radiation took its toll. The smell of the Irish food she used to love preparing for her husband, like his favorite corned beef, now made her sick. She lost weight, and she lost her hair. She lost her energy and her interest in doing anything other than lie in bed as the television droned on. She would smile weakly whenever Maura came into her room to sit on the bed beside her, but she didn’t have the strength to carry on a conversation. In Maura's strongest memory, she held her mother's bony hand while Vanna White turned letters on Wheel of Fortune. Mom had died the next week.

  Behind her, a horn blared. The light had turned green. Jerking her foot from the brake pedal she stomped on the gas, making the car lurch forward through the intersection.

  Is that what she had to look forward to? Losing everything that meant anything to her until one day she couldn’t even respond to the people who loved her? And what about Nick? Her Da was a wonderful, loving father, but he’d never been the same after his wife died. If she did have cancer, would Nick go through the same thing?

  By the time Maura pulled into the church parking lot, she was a wreck. Her hands held the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip. It was as if she was back on that Ferris wheel, suspended in midair, not knowing when it would start up again or in which direction it would move.

  But she couldn’t fall apart now. She forced herself to take deep breaths. She should pray, she wanted to pray, but her mind was such a jumbled mess of emotions she couldn’t put together a coherent thought.

  “God, help me,” she whispered. “God, help me.”

  Little by little, each tensed muscle in her body relaxed. She looked around the lot, hoping no one had noticed her erratic behavior. Thankfully, the only cars appeared to be those of the staff, parked near the office.

  She reached for her purse in the passenger seat, taking a deep breath. Help me keep it together, Lord.

  Walking to the office, Maura distracted herself by focusing on the sights around her. The paint on the corner of the building was peeling, as if someone had run into it with something big and bulky. A soda can lay under one of the bare bushes flanking the office wall. She hoped one of the teens hadn’t left it there.

  The teens. How would she tell them the news? And how would they take it if she—

  Stop it!

  Maura halted abruptly, shaking her head to drive out the tormenting thoughts. Help me, Lord. Help me think good thoughts. Keep my focus on you.

  She grabbed the knob on the office door, slowly pushing it open, and stepped inside. Praise music played softly in the background, competing with the hum of a copy machine in an adjoining room. A large plate of cookies sat on the front desk, permeating the air with the smell of chocolate and vanilla. The sounds and smells wrapped around her, providing a moment of normalcy in the midst of her chaos.

  Sitting behind the desk, Pauline Ramirez, the church secretary, looked up from her computer, a smile of recognition on her face. “Hi, Maura. Good to see you.”

  Maura forced a smile in return. “You too. Sorry to be blunt, but I really need to see Nick. Is anybody with him?”

  Pauline's brow creased slightly. “No, he's alone. Are you okay?”

  Maura nodded, fighting back the emotions that threatened to shatter her composure. “I just … can I go in?”

  “Sure. I’ll let him know you’re here.” Pauline waved her through, at the same time pushing the intercom button on the phone.

  As Maura walked down the hall, she heard Pauline's voice behind her. “Pastor, Maura's here to see you. She's on her way in.”

  Nick's office door shot open before she reached the end of the hall. “This is the best surprise I’ve had all day.”

  He was so happy to see her, so open and available, it was like a knife to her heart. Why now? Why when they were just starting to put their lives back together did they have to face another crisis? Hadn’t they been through enough?

  Maura opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She felt her lips twist and contort, the corners pulling down into a frown as tears burned her eyes. The smile fell from Nick's face. He reached for her, and she rushed into his arms, letting go of all the sorrow and fear that had gripped her since that awful moment in the shower.

  Holding her tightly, Nick led her into his office. He pulled her down next to him on the couch and rocked her.

  “Be with Maura, Father.” He murmured a soft prayer against her hair. “Whatever she's facing let her know she's not alone.”

  His voice was barely a whisper, but it gave her the strength to face what she had to do. Taking huge, gulping breaths, Maura pushed away from Nick. Her tears had left a big wet spot on the front of his shirt. “I’m … sor … sorry,” she forced out.

  Nick grabbed a box of Kleenex from the table beside the couch and handed it to her. “It’ll dry, honey. What's wrong? Can you tell me?”

  Nick waited while Maura blew her nose and wiped her eyes. She told him everything. How she found the lump in the shower, about her appointment with Dr. Harris, and the tests she needed to have over the next few days.

  “I’m sorry to barge in and dump this on you. I know you’re always so busy, but …” She wanted to ask him to be with her when she went for the tests. She wanted to know that he would be by her side through it all, even if the worst happened. But she was afraid. What if he let her down?

  Nick took her hands in his, raising one to his lips. “You have nothing to apologize for. Now, the doctor told you it's probably nothing to be worried about, right?’

  “Yes, but—”

  “No buts. You know how I feel about those.” He pushed her hair back from her face and laid his palm against her cheek. “We’re holding on to hope unless we find out otherwise, and then we’ll deal with it. Right now, let's take it one step at a time.”

  Kissing her on the forehead, he got up from the couch and walked over to his desk. He punched a button on the phone.

  “Yes?” Pauline's voice came through the speaker.

  “Pauline, would you and Pastor Chris come into my office, please? And bring my schedule with you.”

  Maura wrapped her arms around herself, trying to ward off the chill that enveloped her. This is how it would be. Not only was he going to show her his busy schedule, but he planned to pawn her off on the associate pastor. Why had she dared allow herself to think anything had changed? As always, the congregation came first.

  The door opened. Pauline and Pastor Chris walked in, their faces a mixture of concern and confusion. Maura steeled herself for the inevitable. But Nick returned to his place beside her, putting a protective arm around her and pulling her close.

  “I need to attend to an important family matter, so I’ll be unavaila
ble for at least a week, maybe more.” Nick's voice was strong and steady. He gave Maura's shoulder a little squeeze as he continued. “Pauline, go over my calendar and reschedule whatever you can. Chris, I know I’m asking a lot, but if there's anything that can’t be rescheduled, I’ll need you to take care of it. That includes services on Sunday.”

  Maura gaped at Nick. “Are you sure? You never miss a service.”

  “We’ll be there,” Nick said with a nod. “I just won’t be able to prepare the sermon. Pastor Chris is more than capable of taking over for a few Sundays.”

  The young pastor didn’t hesitate. “Don’t worry about a thing. What else can we do?”

  “Pray,” Nick said. “I’d rather not go into the details right now, but just pray. God will take care of the rest.”

  With assurances that they’d keep the couple in their prayers, Chris and Pauline left the room. Maura turned to Nick, smiling for the first time that day.

  “You dropped everything for me. You didn’t need to do that.”

  Nick threaded his fingers in her hair, his hand settling on the base of her neck. “Of course, I did. You’re my wife, and I love you. We’re going to get through this. Together.”

  With a sigh, Maura fell against his chest and let him hold her. Together. What a beautiful word that was.

  19

  At the sound of knocking on the door. Maura lifted her head from the book in her lap. “I’ll get it,” she called.

  Maura's original plan had been to spend the week holed up with Nick, away from inquisitive well-wishers. But her friends had other ideas.

  She’d had more visitors to her apartment over the last few days than in the entire month she’d lived there. Rachel, the only other person she’d told about finding the lump, had insisted Maura take some time off from the theatre until all her tests results were in. She stopped by daily to fill Maura in on business and, Maura was sure, to check up on her.

  Lainie came by the day before. Although she didn’t know the nature of the problem, she still had the youth group kids make a card for her. They took a big piece of poster board, folded it in half, and decorated it with pictures, signatures, and greetings. It now stood like a centerpiece in the middle of Maura's dining table.

  Opening the front door, she gasped. Oren Thacker, the most unexpected visitor of all, stood on the landing, twisting his gloves nervously between his hands.

  “Oren. Hi, won’t you come in?”

  He nodded, grunting out a hello of his own, and walked past her into the living room.

  “Nick,” she called toward the kitchen, “Oren's here.”

  While she and Oren had definitely made strides in their relationship, they never socialized outside of church or the theatre. To have him show up with no advance warning made her a little nervous. Had he heard about Nick staying in the apartment? She hoped he wasn’t there to deliver another message from the church council about the importance of appearances.

  Nick came out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dish towel. “Oren, good to see you.” He grabbed Oren's extended hand, giving it a hearty shake. “I was just throwing together some lunch. Want to join us?”

  “No, thank you. I’m glad you’re here, though, because I came to speak to both of you.”

  Uh oh. This couldn’t be good. Maura braced herself for the scolding to come. “Would you like to sit down?”

  With another stiff nod, Oren dropped into the red chair. As Nick sat beside her on the couch, Maura took a deep breath and smiled. “What's up?”

  Rather than answer Maura, he turned, speaking directly to Nick. “As you know, there was a church council meeting yesterday. You were missed.”

  Nick put a casual hand on Maura's knee. “It couldn’t be helped.”

  “I know. Pastor Chris shared your situation.”

  “He what?” Nick's voice came out hard as granite.

  “Not any details,” Oren said in a rush. “Just that there's a family emergency and to pray. But with you staying here with Maura, it sets a mind to wondering.”

  I’ll just bet it does. Maura put her hand on Nick's, squeezing his fingers. Glancing at him, she saw a little muscle tic working away in his jaw. He was probably counting too. She wanted to lash out, to tell Oren that the council had no business poking into their personal life, but she stopped herself. Over the past few months, she’d come to realize that, if she and Nick reconciled, certain aspects of her life would be open to scrutiny. She’d made her peace with it. As much as she hated to admit it, the personal life of the pastor was the council's business, to a point. She would get much farther talking to Oren, trying to understand why he felt the way he did, rather than brooding in silence.

  “Oren,” she began gently, “I know it must seem odd that Nick is staying in the apartment with me. But I assure you, he's here to give me emotional support, and that's all. He's been sleeping in the spare room, so it's really not any different from when I lived at the parsonage. I know you didn’t like that arrangement, but—”

  Oren held up his hands. “I think you misunderstood. I … the council … we don’t have any objection to Pastor Nick staying here. You two are married, after all.”

  This was new. “Then what were you wondering about?” Maura asked.

  He paused, taking a moment to smooth out his now mangled gloves on one knee. “Well, you haven’t been around the theatre in a few days. Since you own it free and clear now, that got us to thinking you might have decided to sell it and move on.” Oren frowned, and his voice became gruff. “We don’t like the idea of you leaving Granger.”

  Maura smiled as a swell of emotion tingled her nose and eyes. “I think that's the sweetest thing I ever heard. I promise. I’m not planning to sell the theatre or move away.”

  “Well, that's good to hear.” Oren reached into his jacket and pulled out a small envelope. “I asked Rachel Nelson what we could do to help out, and she said food would be good, so we got you a gift certificate to Gandino's.”

  Maura sent up a silent thank you to Rachel. The Italian restaurant was relatively new in town and had quickly become one of Maura's favorites. “Thank you so much.”

  “And, don’t worry, we won’t be sending over any casseroles,” Oren added, almost as if he read her mind. “Rachel told us how you feel about them.”

  Maura bit her lip. She must seem like the most ungrateful woman on earth. “I wish she hadn’t done that.”

  “Nonsense.” He waved a hand in the air. “How's a body supposed to know what you like unless you tell them? I can’t stand the things, myself, but some folks love them.”

  Oren rose to his feet, knees popping. “I’d best be on my way.” He started for the door, causing Nick and Maura to jump up and follow him out. “We’re praying for the two of you. If you need anything, make sure you let us know.”

  “Oren.”

  The man was at the top of the stairs when Maura called his name. He turned around, his look expectant.

  “There is something you can do for me. Rachel's taken over so much, but I don’t want to overload her. Can you run the Thursday night drama class?”

  He stood up straighter, his chest puffed out so that for a moment he seemed in danger of toppling over. Putting a hand to the banister he smiled broadly, transforming his features. “I think I could do that. But we’ll be expecting you back soon.”

  Standing behind Maura, Nick slipped his arms around her waist. They stayed that way as Oren made his way down the stairs and out the front door.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy.” Nick's voice was warm in Maura's ear. “It was sweet of you to do that.”

  “I think Oren and I are finally starting to understand each other. But enough about him.” She turned in Nick's arms, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Weren’t you fixing lunch when he got here?”

  “It's ready, but it's not going anywhere. Suddenly, I’m not so hungry anymore.”

  They came together in a reunion as sweet as the first time th
eir lips had ever met. Maura's hands moved to his neck, into his hair, as she deepened the kiss, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

  When they separated, both were breathing a little harder. Before he spoke, Maura read the unasked question burning in his eyes.

  “I love you, Maura. I want to be your husband again, in every sense of the word. There's nothing stopping us now but each other.”

  He was right. It was clear now that the church council, and probably everyone in the town, recognized them as a married couple. A unique couple, granted, but still a married one. They were released from all the obligations and expectations that had held them back. But there was still one huge obstacle Nick wasn’t seeing.

  She caressed his cheek. “You have no idea how much I want to be with you, in the biblical sense. But if we do that now, there's a chance I could get pregnant.”

  Nick blinked. “That would be wonderful.”

  “Not now, it wouldn’t.” Maura saw his disappointment and rushed on. “Think about it. We still don’t have my test results back. I know we’re believing it's nothing, but what if the worst happens? What if I do have cancer? That could mean chemo, and the baby—”

  Her breath caught in her chest. Chemo would kill a baby. She couldn’t go through that kind of pain again.

  Nick's face softened and he drew her back to him, cradling her head against his chest. “You’re right. I didn’t think it through that far. We’ll wait, and I’ll take cold showers.”

  Maura laughed and looked up at him. “Thanks for understanding. Now maybe we should get out of this hallway?”

  With a nod, Nick released her. They walked back into the apartment just as the phone rang.

  “Please be the doctor with good test results,” Nick muttered behind her.

  “Amen to that.” Maura picked up the receiver. “Hello.”

  Nick raised his eyebrows in question. She mouthed, “It's the doctor,” before giving her full attention to the woman on the other end of the phone. After jotting down some notes on a pad, she said thank you and hung up.