The Pastor's Wife

by Jennifer AlLee

  “Well?” Nick asked.

  Maura let out the breath she’d been holding since she hung up. “Well, I hope you like your showers cold. The results from the mammogram and the sonogram were both inconclusive.”

  “Both? Isn’t that unusual?”

  “No. Not according to the doctor.” Maura was weary. Tired of questions, tired of answers that answered nothing. Just talking now felt like a chore.

  “What does that mean?”

  She sat on the couch, elbows on knees, her hands clasped in front of her. “Now I need to have a biopsy. After that we’ll know for sure one way or the other. It's scheduled for four o’clock tomorrow.”

  Nick knelt in front of her, placing his hands over hers. “Do you need to stay in the hospital overnight?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “It's an outpatient procedure. They stick a needle into the lump, pull out a sample, and some time next week we’ll have the answer.”

  “More waiting.”

  Maura nodded. “You know, I thought I’d fall to pieces if I got any more bad news, but I’m kind of numb right now.” She slid off the couch and onto the floor beside Nick.

  He took her in his arms, pulling her onto his lap. “We’ll get to the other side of this.”

  “I know.” She pressed her face against his chest. “Will you pray with me?”

  His arms tightened around her and together they sat on the floor and prayed. They thanked God for who He was and for the blessings He’d given them. They asked Him to be with them and to bring healing if that was His will. A gentle peace settled over Maura, replacing the tired numbness that claimed her body minutes earlier. What was that Scripture? All things work together for good to them that love God.

  She was back with Nick, in his arms and being supported by him in a way she’d never thought possible. She was part of a community that cared about her. Her life was full and rich in ways she couldn’t have dreamed. God had certainly done good for her already. Maura knew He wouldn’t leave her now.

  They sat in silence, comforting each other.

  “Nick.” Maura looked up at her husband.

  “Yes?”

  “Would you go on a date?”

  Nick grinned. “That depends. What did you have in mind?”

  “I thought we could get dressed up and go to Gandino's.” She picked up the gift card and waggled it in the air. “My treat.”

  The date was a great idea. Instead of sitting around, wondering what else could possibly go wrong, Maura chose to celebrate life. And Nick intended to make it a celebration she wouldn’t soon forget.

  He insisted on returning to the parsonage to get ready. After putting on his best suit, he drove around in vain looking for fresh flowers. Finally, he went into Hilda's Gift Shop and Scrapbook Hut to find a suitable substitute.

  Hilda herself walked out of the backroom to greet him. “My, my,” she said with a whistle, “aren’t you spiffy? You look like you’re ready to preach a sermon, Pastor.”

  Nick chuckled. “Thank you. But I’ve got a date.”

  “A date?” Hilda's eyebrows shot up.

  “With my wife. And I want to give her a little gift.”

  Hilda nearly melted in front of him. “How romantic. Well, you can’t go wrong with these.” She led him over to a shelf filled with red satin-covered boxes of chocolates. “The ladies love these.”

  Nick took the box she handed him. She grabbed his arm and pulled him across the store, talking as they went. “Oh, and if you really want to impress that wife of yours, you can get one of these too.” Nick now found himself holding a white stuffed teddy bear as well as the candy.

  “And—”

  “Hilda!” He stopped her in midflight as she headed toward a display of enormous perfume bottles. “This will do just fine. Thank you.”

  Hilda beamed as she rang up his purchases. She was obviously quite pleased to be a part of the pastor's romantic endeavor.

  By the time he arrived back at Maura's apartment, he felt a little foolish. Standing in front of the door, Nick looked down at the red candy box and the bear in his hands. What if he was making too big a deal out of this? Maura wanted to go out, sure, but what if she thought he was pushing too hard?

  It was too late to turn back now.

  Nick rapped his knuckles against the door. Maura opened it, and the sight of her made his mouth dry up. Her simple black dress emphasized all the physical features he loved, while the smile on her face reflected her inner beauty. She was, as they say, the whole package.

  “Wow.”

  Her smile broadened. “I take it that means you approve.” She pointed at the gifts in his hands. “Are those for me?”

  He handed them to her. “I wanted to get you flowers, but everyone who sells them was out.”

  “These are very nice. Thank you.”

  She turned and Nick followed her into the apartment. “It's a beautiful evening,” he said. He needed to fill the void with conversation, no matter how inane. “Still cold enough to see your breath, but no snow or rain, so the sidewalks are clear.”

  “That's good.” Maura put the presents he’d brought on the dining table, right in front of the card from the youth group. She crossed her arms, cocking her head to the side. “Are you all right?”

  “Me? I—” There was no reason to dance around the truth. He might as well confess. “Actually, I’m a little nervous.”

  “Why?” She sounded surprised.

  “I’m still amazed that God brought us together again. Ever since you came back to Granger, I’ve realized how much I missed you and what a huge mistake I made by not going after you when you left.”

  She dropped her hands to her sides, rubbing the palms on her hips. “I was a lousy pastor's wife. I didn’t help out with the congregation the way you wanted me to. I figured you didn’t come after me because your life was easier without me in it.”

  Her words hit him like a fresh blow. Had he really made her think he saw her that way? As a hindrance to his ministry?

  “Maura, no. I felt like my heart ripped in two when I found out you’d gone.”

  Pain swam in her eyes. “Then why didn’t you come after me?”

  Nick ran a hand through his hair. Was she serious? “Because you told me not to. You left me that note saying you’d gone and you didn’t want to talk to me. You specifically told me not to come after you.”

  Her hand moved to her mouth, and he knew that beneath it, she was probably chewing on her lip. “I was so upset that day. I don’t even remember writing the note.”

  “Trust me. You did. But I couldn’t just let you leave. I had to do something, so I called your father.”

  Her hand fell from her face and her skin paled by a shade. “You what?”

  “I called your father. He said I’d hurt you more than I’d ever know. That you refused to speak to me, and our marriage was over for good. He said that if I loved you as much as I said I did, I’d never call again.” Nick paused. “He never told you, did he?”

  Silently, she shook her head. Nick wanted to be angry with Joe Sullivan, but he couldn’t. The man was protecting his daughter. How could Nick fault him for that?

  He reached out, taking both of Maura's hands in his. “I’m sure your father did what he thought was best for you. Did you tell him what happened between us?”

  She nodded, but still remained quiet. So Nick went on. “If we’re going to start over, don’t you think it's time you told me why you decided to leave that day?’

  Maura stiffened, almost jerking her hands from his. “I do,” she said, “and I will. But not tonight. For one thing, I’ve got makeup on, and if I start crying it’ll run all over my face.” Her attempt at humor fell flat, but she took a deep breath and forced a smile. “Right now, you need to know that I love you. Having you with me through this means more than you can possibly imagine. I don’t want to talk about biopsies or past sins or anything sad tonight. I just want us to go out and enjoy being together. Can we do that
?”

  Once again, she refused to tell him the whole truth. She said she loved him, but he couldn’t wonder if part of her still didn’t trust him. Was that the reason she kept holding back? Regardless, he couldn’t push her, especially considering all she was dealing with.

  “Of course. Light and carefree it is.” Nick picked up her coat from the back of the easy chair and held it open for her. As she slid her arms into the satin lining, he circled his around her, pulling her close against him, and kissed the top of her head. He’d do as she asked, for now. But sooner or later, she needed to tell him everything. And the longer she waited, the more Nick dreaded what she might have to say.

  20

  I don’t have cancer!”

  Maura dropped the cordless phone receiver on the table, letting out a whoop as she ran to Nick. She threw her arms around his neck, and he lifted her up, spinning her around.

  “Thank you, Lord,” Nick shouted to the roof. When he set her down, he cradled her face in his hands and kissed her. “Now,” he said, drawing back a little, “tell me everything the doctor said.”

  “It's not cancer. It's a cyst. Most likely it will go away on its own. Dr. Harris wants me to have another mammogram in six months, just to be safe, but she said there's nothing to worry about.” It came out in a rush, as though all the pent-up anxiety of the last two weeks was contained in those words. Maura took a breath. “It's over.”

  “It's over,” Nick repeated. “Now we can get on with our life together.”

  She laid her head on Nick's chest, holding him tight around the middle. How she wished they could start fresh, right at that moment. But something still stood between them. The secret she’d been keeping all these years reared up, staring her in the face, daring her to push it into a dark corner as she always did.

  Well-worn justifications replayed in her head. They’d been through so much already, couldn’t she just ignore it? What good would it do to expose such an old, festering wound?

  But this time, Maura knew she couldn’t rationalize it away. She had to tell him the truth. It was the only way they could go forward.

  “Nick, let's sit down.” She took his hand and pulled him to the couch. “I need to tell you what happened the day I left.”

  Nick still held her hand, the pad of his thumb rubbing gently across her knuckles. She drank him in, memorizing the love in his eyes, hoping she’d still see it there after he heard what she had to say.

  “I was sick, but it was much worse than you thought. I, well—” This was harder than she’d expected it to be.

  “Actually, it started before that night. I’d been trying to tell you for weeks, but there was never a good time. I wanted it to be special, but you were always busy, or tired, or … something.” She took a deep breath and blurted it out the way she should have done years ago. “I was pregnant.”

  His thumb stopped moving. “Pregnant?”

  Maura swallowed hard, giving a quick nod of her head. “The day I called you, I wanted you to come home because I was sick. I had a miscarriage.”

  Nick jerked his hand from hers, reeling back as if she’d slapped him.

  “I’m so sorry.” She reached for him, but he jumped to his feet and moved across the room.

  “I don’t understand.” He paced back and forth, one hand pinching the back of his neck. “Why didn’t I know you were pregnant?”

  “I didn’t know myself until I was almost three months along.”

  “What? How could you not know?”

  She’d asked herself the same question over and over again. “My periods have always been irregular, so I didn’t think about that. And I was sick to my stomach all the time and losing weight, so I thought I just had the flu.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Heat burned Maura's cheeks. “I tried. But you always had something going on. It was impossible to get any time alone with you.”

  “You should have made me listen.”

  “You’re right, I should have. But just a week after I found out I was pregnant, I had the miscarriage, and it didn’t matter anymore.” All the emotions from that time flooded back. The joy, the pain, the fear that she’d done something to cause the loss of their baby. Maura choked it all down, determined not to fall apart.

  “It didn’t matter?” Nick's voice was raw, ragged. “How could you not tell me that our baby … that our baby—”

  Maura watched her husband struggle to deal with the news, and her heart broke. Nick spent his life being strong for everyone else. She’d never seen him like this.

  She got up, moving toward him, wanting to comfort him, to be strong for him. “Nick, I’m—”

  “You’re what?” He stopped her where she stood. “You’re sorry?”

  “Yes.”

  “You lied to me.”

  She wanted to protest. She hadn’t lied, not really. But that would only make matters worse. A lie of omission was just as bad as a bald-faced lie. And she’d been carrying this one around for years.

  Nick raked his hand through his hair, still pacing. “I know I did a lot of things wrong, but I never lied to you. I always thought we could trust each other to be honest, no matter what.”

  “Of course, you can trust me.”

  “We had a baby together, and you kept that from me. I never had the chance to celebrate that miracle, or to grieve its loss.” His hands sliced through the air. “How can I trust you now?”

  Panic grabbed Maura by the throat. He was talking as if they had no future. “Nick, I made a mistake. I made lots of mistakes. I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell you I was pregnant. After the miscarriage, I didn’t see what good it would do to tell you. It was over, and I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I thought I was sparing you the pain I’d gone through. But I was wrong. About all of it.”

  Nick finally stopped moving. He stood in front of her, stiff as an iron rod, eyes cold as steel. “I thought we’d be together forever. I didn’t think anything you told me today would change that. Guess I was wrong too.”

  He turned on his heel and walked out, pulling the door shut forcefully behind him.

  Maura stood there alone. Only the buzzing in her ears intruded on the room's silence. The joy at receiving a clean bill of health from the doctor had disappeared. The bright colors she’d chosen so carefully to make the apartment a cheerful place seemed to mock her now. Her soul felt cold, empty. Barren.

  The outcome she’d feared most had happened. She’d been completely honest with Nick, and he’d left her.

  She’d cried so much in the last few weeks, Maura didn’t think she had any tears left. But now, as she put her face in her hands and wept, she realized that was one more thing she’d been wrong about.

  An hour later, Maura sat at her dining table, staring blankly at the white stuffed bear perched in front of her. She’d called Nick's cell phone, but it had gone straight to voice mail. She hadn’t tried again. Clearly, he didn’t want to talk to her right now.

  The knock on the door made her heart leap. He’d come back! She ran across the room, twisted the knob, and jerked the door open. But it wasn’t Nick who stood on the other side.

  “Rachel.” She couldn’t keep the disappointment out of her voice.

  Rachel's smile turned into an instant frown. “Don’t get so excited,” she grumbled. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

  “I’m sorry. Come on in.” She stepped aside and waved her friend into the room. “I’m glad you’re here. This just hasn’t been the best day.”

  Rachel whirled around, catching Maura by the shoulders. “Did your test results come in?”

  Maura nodded. “Yes, but—”

  “Honey, I’m so sorry.” Rachel engulfed her in a hug. “But you’re gonna get through this. I’ll be here for you. Whatever you need, you just let me know.”

  “No, you don’t understand.” Maura wriggled out of her friend's grip. “The tests results were great. It's just a cyst. I’m fine. No cancer.”
/>
  “I don’t understand.” Rachel's brows scrunched up. “Why aren’t you celebrating? And why do you look like you just lost your best friend?”

  “Because I did.” Maura collapsed into the easy chair. “I told Nick today. About the baby.”

  Rachel drew in a quick breath. “Oh, boy.” She sat on the couch, angling her body toward Maura. “I guess he didn’t take it too well.”

  “Hardly. I think he's out of my life for good.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “You didn’t see him, Rachel. He was so angry. And hurt. He said he could never trust me again.” Maura pinched the bridge of her nose. “How can he ever forgive me?”

  “Let me ask you, how long did it take you to get over losing the baby?”

  Maura leaned her head against the back of the chair, eyes closed. After the miscarriage, she’d thought about the baby every day, the pain so intense it was almost physical. But with time, the ache dulled, until it became a traumatic, distant memory.

  “I don’t know exactly,” she answered, “but it was a long time.”

  “Of course, it was. Now look at it from Nick's perspective. Not only did he just find out there was a baby, but he found out about the miscarriage and that you kept it from him. That's a lot to process all at once. I’m sure he's hurt and angry and a whole slew of other emotions all at the same time.” Rachel leaned forward, her eyes intense. “But that doesn’t mean he’ll stay that way. Give him some time.”

  What Rachel said made sense, but Maura knew how easy it was to ignore a problem rather than face it. “What if time doesn’t help? What if he won’t talk to me again?”

  Rachel smiled. “You know better than anyone how small this town is. The two of you will run into each other whether you want to or not. He won’t be able to avoid you forever.”

  “I guess you’re right.” Maura sighed. “So what do I do now?”

  “Now you live.” Rachel slapped Maura on the knee. “You stared cancer down and beat it.”

  Maura rolled her eyes. “You’re being a bit overly dramatic. I didn’t beat it. It was never there to begin with.”