The Pastor's Wife

by Jennifer AlLee

  “Still, the possibility of cancer was there, and you faced it. This is a time to celebrate.”

  Rachel was so positive, her tone so upbeat, Maura felt encouraged despite the fact that her relationship with Nick had just imploded. “What did you have in mind?”

  “I’m taking you to lunch at Rosie's Diner. The cheesecake's to die for. Better yet, it's to live for. And we’re both going to have a big piece for dessert.”

  Maura nodded. “Just give me a second.” She stood up and headed to the bathroom. Rachel was right about Nick. He needed time to deal with everything she’d just told him. After the miscarriage, she believed their life as husband and wife was over. But God brought her back and gave her a second chance. But would He show her the same grace a second time?

  Nick went straight from Maura's apartment to the one place he could always count on: the church. Years earlier, when he’d found himself single, abandoned by his wife, he’d sought refuge there, finding comfort in burying himself in the Lord's work. He expected to find the same solace now.

  But it didn’t quite work out that way.

  When he got to the office, Pastor Chris was leaning on the desk beside Pauline, looking at something on her computer monitor. As Nick walked in the door, they both looked up, surprise evident on their faces.

  “Pastor Nick,” Pauline said, “we didn’t expect to see you today.”

  Chris's expression was serious. “Is everything all right?”

  Nick nodded. “The crisis is over. Everything's fine, and I’m back to work. If you two have a minute, we can go over the schedule and you can get me back up to speed.”

  Chris and Pauline exchanged looks, then followed Nick into his office. For the next thirty minutes, they filled him in on upcoming meetings and appointments. Nick penciled more and more things into his calendar until he’d filled in almost every day for the next month.

  “Thanks, Pauline. If anything else comes up, let me know. Now I need to talk to Pastor Chris.”

  Pauline got up to leave, but stopped at the door. “It's good to have you back, Pastor.”

  After she’d gone, a somber Chris leaned forward in his chair. “Do you want to tell me what's going on?”

  On the other side of the round table, Nick leaned back, his elbow on the armrest of his chair and his fingertips resting against his temple. No, he really didn’t want to talk about his personal pain. He was in the business of helping others. As a leader, he needed to set an example, hold a higher standard. To admit to the disastrous state of his life was like admitting he’d failed at his work. Failed God.

  “I don’t know if I can,” he said.

  Chris picked up a pen and fiddled with the cap. “I care about what you’re going through, as my pastor and as my friend. But if you’re not ready to talk, I won’t push you.” Chris gathered his papers from the desk and stood up to leave.

  In the year and a half that Chris had been with Faith Community, Nick had come to regard him not only as a gifted minister, but as a trusted friend. Chris was probably the only person in Granger he could talk to about personal issues.

  “Wait,” Nick called to him. “You’re right. Let's sit on the couch. This could take a while.”

  Nick told him the whole story. About the cancer scare, his near reconciliation with Maura, and the devastating news about the miscarriage. As he talked, Nick felt the emotions roil up inside him again, like a soda can being shaken. What must Chris think of him? Was he wondering how a man could be so wrapped up in his work that he didn’t know about his wife's pregnancy? But Chris just listened, no evidence of judgment on his face.

  “That's the whole story,” Nick concluded. “She lied to me. And now our marriage is over. For good this time.”

  “Are you sure?” Chris asked, his voice soft. “It sounds like you both made mistakes, and she forgave you. Why can’t you do the same?”

  Nick chafed at the statement. As a pastor, he knew better than anyone the importance of forgiveness. “Well, of course, I’ll forgive her. I don’t have a choice, do I? But how can I forget what happened? I’m still grieving the death of a child I didn’t even know existed until a few hours ago.”

  “Of course. When it comes right down to it, this is between you and God. Once you’re right with Him, you’ll know how to approach Maura.” Chris leaned forward and grabbed Nick's hand. “Let's pray.”

  By the time Chris walked out of his office, Nick's mind had cleared. He still felt hurt and angry, but maybe in time, that would pass. For now, he needed to submerge himself in prayer, the Bible, and serving others. It had worked for him before and he was sure it would work again now.

  His stomach rumbled, a reminder that lunch time had come and gone some time ago. Grabbing his coat, he went back to the outer office. “I’m walking over to Rosie's,” he said to Pauline. “Will you call ahead and order me a roast beef sandwich to go? And order something for yourself if you’d like.”

  “That's okay. I already ate.” Pauline shooed him out the door. “I’ll call right now.”

  Once outside, frigid blasts of air assaulted him. He took a deep breath, feeling the exhilarating burn in his lungs. The cold made him feel alive and reminded him of the power of God. The same God that made the wind blow had promised to be with him always. Even to the ends of the age. Even through the darkest times of his life. Nick needed to hold on to that, now more than ever.

  By the time he stepped inside the diner, he could hardly feel his nose. The heat felt good, setting his cheeks to tingling.

  “Hi, Josie.” Nick greeted the waitress behind the counter. “Is my takeout order ready?”

  “Sure thing, Pastor Nick. I’ll go grab it for you.” The young woman headed for the kitchen, but turned and came back. “Oh, hey, your wife's here if you want to join her. She's in that booth over there with her friend. Seems like they’re celebrating something.”

  Almost against his will, Nick looked in the direction Josie had pointed. Maura and Rachel sat in a corner booth. They were eating cheesecake and laughing.

  Laughing.

  Blood pounded in Nick's ears. How could she be laughing? It was an irrational reaction, but he couldn’t help it. She may have had years to deal with the death of their child, but for Nick the pain was brand new, his emotions raw like exposed nerves. To him, the child had died today. He couldn’t imagine finding anything to laugh about.

  Just nine months before, Nick had been living his life the best he knew how when she walked back into it. Nine months … enough time to have a baby.

  Or to kill a dream.

  Maura speared a piece of cheesecake. The fork was halfway to her mouth when she stopped and turned, looking right at him. Her face grew serious, and she set the fork on her plate with a clank. Across from her, Rachel stopped talking and craned her head around, her eyes wide as saucers when she saw him.

  Rachel knew. Shame rose up, threatening to choke him. How many other people knew? How would he face his congregation once the inevitable gossip started?

  From the booth, Maura raised her hand in a tentative wave. He turned away, taking his wallet out of his inside coat pocket. He paid Josie, grabbed the white paper bag, and stalked from the warm diner, back out into the cold, biting wind.

  21

  Jed Benson cleared his throat before announcing, “Miss Hattie left me the house.”

  Nick looked up from the portable communion kit he was repacking. “What was that?”

  Jed muttered something under his breath. He was an odd fellow. A fifty-five-year-old man who owned his own house and land, he would make quite a catch if he ever ventured into Granger. But in all the years Nick had known him, he’d never gone past his own property line. Jed made people come to him, and even had his groceries delivered. Which is why Nick made it a point to visit and give him communion at least once a month. Or whenever Jed had new livestock that needed blessing.

  Nick snapped the small leather case shut and put it in his briefcase. “What house are you talking about
?”

  “You know that old hovel about a mile from here? It borders my property. Miss Hattie owned the ten acres it sits on.” He retrieved the battered Stetson he’d taken off earlier in respect of the communion ceremony and jammed it back on his head. “I tried to buy it from her more than once, but she was a stubborn old bird. Said she’d give it to me if I’d promise to start going to church.”

  Nick laughed. “That sounds like Miss Hattie.”

  Jed nodded. “The only reason I wanted to buy the land was so I could tear the old eyesore of a building down. But she was stubborn, and so was I. The last time we talked she said maybe she’d leave it to me in her will. I’ll be darned if she didn’t do just that.”

  Nick stood and Jed followed his lead. “Are you surprised?”

  Jed shrugged. “After all those crazy hoops she made you jump through, I can’t figure out why she didn’t do the same to me.”

  “I guess she knew when to give up. She couldn’t hound you anymore after she was dead.” Nick walked to the door with Jed on his heels.

  “Maybe. But I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  Ah. That explained why Jed brought it up. “If you’re feeling guilty, there's a simple way to remedy that.”

  “Didn’t say anything about feeling guilty.” Jed snorted. He didn’t speak again until they reached Nick's car. “Thanks for stopping by, Pastor.”

  Nick stowed his briefcase in the backseat. “I’m glad to do it. But I’m still praying that one day, I’ll have the privilege of sharing communion with you in the church.”

  Jed made no reply. He shook Nick's hand, gave a curt nod good-bye, and went back into his house.

  Driving back to town, Nick thought about Jed. What in the world could keep a strong, capable man a virtual prisoner on his own property? Something traumatic must have happened to him, some emotional experience he couldn’t shake. Nick fervently hoped that one day the man would feel he could share it with someone.

  Nick thought of Maura. She’d been scarred by the miscarriage and had kept it to herself for years. How was it he felt compassion for Jed, but not for her?

  Simple. Because the situation was totally different. Maura was his wife.

  They hadn’t spoken in three weeks. Buried in his work, Nick filled his days with meetings, lunches, and dinner appointments with members of the congregation and their families every evening. When he did have free time, he spent it in his office preparing for Easter services. The holiday came early that year, and he prayed the weather would hold for the annual sunrise service.

  Still, there were those moments of silence when Nick couldn’t escape Maura's presence, or the lack of it. When he came home at the end of a hectic day, the parsonage seemed quieter and emptier than it used to. Sometimes, he’d stand in the doorway of the guestroom, looking over the empty closet and the neatly made bed, and he’d ache at the loss of her. On Sundays, she was always in church, sitting in the back pew until after worship when she left with Lainie and the youth group. When he saw her, singing praises to God with the rest of the congregation, his heart yearned for her.

  But then he remembered the secrets she’d kept, the lies between them, and the pain of betrayal shot through him all over again.

  Nick arrived back at the church. He pushed thoughts of Maura aside as he gathered his belongings and went inside.

  Pauline sat at her desk, but didn’t offer him her usual smile. Instead, she gave a quick quirk of her lips as she thrust a stack of small pink notes at him. “Here are your messages. And I need your final version of the Easter bulletin. Please.”

  It was ironic that the two most blessed and enjoyed holidays on the calendar, Christmas and Easter, also created the most work in a church office. And the most frazzled nerves.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting. I’ll do that right away.”

  He shuffled through the messages as he went back to his office. Nothing there that couldn’t wait until after he finished the bulletin.

  Twenty minutes later the intercom on his phone buzzed. Pressing the button on his end, he answered, “I’m almost done, Pauline.”

  “That's great, but it's not why I’m calling. Lainie Waters is here to see you.”

  “Send her in.” This was good. He had a question for her about the youth group skit anyway.

  A moment later the door opened and Lainie bounded in. “Good morning, Pastor,” she said, full of her usual energy and enthusiasm. “How are you doing?”

  “Fine.” He pointed at the chair on the other side of his desk. “Have a seat.”

  Lainie plopped down and began talking before Nick could say another word. “I’m concerned about a member of our congregation. And as pastor, I knew you’d want to know about it, right?”

  “Of course. I—”

  “Good.” Lainie put her hands on the edge of the desk and leaned forward. “I’ve been watching this man for the last few weeks, going through the motions. He says he's fine, and maybe he even believes he is. But it's obvious to me that he's hurting about something.”

  Nick shifted in his chair. “Lainie, you don’t have to dance around it. If you’re talking about me, just say so.”

  Lainie sighed, her face a little sad. “Okay, it's you. I know something happened between you and Maura. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to know. But for the last few weeks, she's been depressed and you’ve been acting like … well, I’ve never seen you act this way before.”

  Nick clasped his hands together. “Lainie, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. But what happened between Maura and me doesn’t concern you or anybody else in this congregation.”

  “I disagree. People aren’t stupid. They can see the tension between the two of you. If you don’t mind me saying, you’re not setting a very good example.”

  Had she just said what he thought she’d said? “Excuse me?”

  Lainie didn’t flinch. “By not dealing with the situation, you’re acting like it's okay to ignore your problems.”

  That hurt. “I’m not ignoring anything. I may not be dealing with it the way you want me to, but I am dealing with it.”

  Lainie bowed her head. When she looked up, her eyes were devoid of their usual spark. “My mom and dad have been married for thirty-four years, but I don’t think they’ve ever really loved each other. So when I see that two people who love each other as much as you and Maura do can’t work it out and be together, it breaks my heart.”

  She stood up to leave. “By the way, I’ve asked Maura to officially be my assistant with the youth group. So you’ll be seeing her around a lot more, maybe even at council meetings. Just thought you should know.”

  Nick's thoughts swirled as Lainie left his office. Was what she’d said true? Was he setting a bad example for the congregation?

  As a pastor, he exhorted people to forgive each other. It was a foundation of his faith. He knew he had to forgive Maura, so he had. But if his forgiveness was genuine, why did he still harbor such anger and bitterness toward her?

  Was forgiving someone because you had to the same as forgiving someone from your heart?

  A Scripture from Ephesians exploded in his mind. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

  Nick bowed his head, conviction weighing down his heart. He’d told himself that he had dealt with the situation, but he hadn’t really forgiven Maura. He’d pushed the pain and the hurt into a corner of his heart and covered it with something he called forgiveness. But that wasn’t enough.

  Nick stabbed the intercom button on the phone. “Pauline, the bulletin's fine as is. Go ahead and run it. Hold all my calls for a few hours, please. I don’t want to be disturbed.”

  He grabbed his Bible. He didn’t expect an instant fix, but he was finally ready for the Lord to change the attitude of his heart.

  “Excuse me. Pardon me.” Maura made her way through the crowd of people standing in Randall Tucker's fallow cornfield. The sun was just cresting the horizon,
illuminating the misty air.

  The weather forecast for today had been favorable. A high of forty-five with light winds and only a ten percent chance of rain. You couldn’t ask for much better in late March.

  Maura smiled at the people around her. The Easter sunrise service was an annual tradition at Faith, and those who made a habit of attending were well prepared. They wore wool coats and scarves, earmuffs and knit caps, and waterproof footwear. The newcomers were easy to spot. They shivered in their fancy dresses and fine suits, and happily accepted the blankets and extra coats being passed out by the council members.

  Maura was excited about her first Easter in Granger. Between the youth group and her classes at the theatre, she’d developed a strong drama team, and they were participating in the service. Only the situation with Nick dampened her enthusiasm. She’d hoped that if enough time passed, he would want to talk to her, give her another chance. But nothing had changed.

  Her thoughts returned to the present as Oren Thacker stepped in front of her, his arms full of cold weather gear. “Christ is risen!” He greeted her.

  “He's risen indeed!” Maura returned the traditional Easter greeting. She smiled at Oren and pointed to the blankets he held. “It's nice of you to have those handy. Are you ready for your monologue?”

  “Absolutely. I’ll meet you over there in a few minutes.”

  With a wave, Maura went to the barn where her drama group had gathered. It was warmer inside, although their breath still hung white and puffy in the air. She spoke to everyone, sharing hugs and encouragement. When Oren and Lainie came in, they stood in a circle and shared a prayer, finishing with a group cry of “Amen!”

  Maura addressed them all. “Okay, when it's time to go out—”

  The barn door opened and a blast of cold air knocked into her. She looked to see who came in, and her heart skittered in her chest. It was Nick.

  The air in the room seemed to sizzle with electricity despite the cold. “Good morning, everyone. Christ is risen!”