by Anna Antonia
The first gun I ever held came from her hand. The first words of praise I heard were from her lips. The first hug was hers, even if it was stiff and lasted a scattering of seconds.
Thomas had his influence in my upbringing, but it was Elaine who was always there to counsel me, to ensure I walked the path my father planned from the moment he handed me into her arms.
I never confused her as my mother. Never.
But if I were to have another mother, then I would’ve chosen Elaine to be mine.
Playing with the ends of Risa’s hair, I withdrew my hand. Frustration burrowed deep in my brain. I didn’t understand Elaine’s actions, no matter how many times I ran various scenarios. Nothing made sense.
Yet, Elaine was behind this as sure as the sun would set tonight.
And so here we were. Locked in battle with only one resolution possible.
Wolffington can’t find a trace of her or Thomas. They’ve both gone to ground. Their joint disappearance and silence proves their guilt. My father must’ve discovered their deceit which led to him arranging for this estate to serve as a timely haven. Which turned out to be the best gift my father could’ve given me considering neither of them know of its existence.
The waiting would only be broken once their deaths were confirmed.
I was reluctant to disturb Risa’s sleep but I needed to hold her. Carefully lying on the bed, I moved my girl into my arms. She let out a watery sigh but remained asleep nestled against my chest.
There was something to be said for small miracles.
My heartbeat slowed, no longer feeling like it was going to beat out of my ribcage. The longer I held Risa, the more I could think rationally.
Truth was messy. Today was a disaster.
I would survive this. As long as I had Risa by my side, I could survive anything.
Even losing my family—the only one I’d ever known—for the second time.
52
RISA
Nothing seemed right.
Right. Wrong. Love. Hate. Trust. Betrayal.
It was a mishmash of perspective and I couldn’t sift through it all fast enough to understand how ugly my world had become.
Damian didn’t allow me space to process, probably because he didn’t trust me not to just walk right off the property. It wasn’t even a consideration for me.
At least, I wouldn’t leave without Damian.
Even though neither of us had eaten, we spent the rest of the daylight hours in bed. And not as either of us would’ve imagined once upon a time.
After falling into an exhausted sleep, I woke up in his arms. Damian’s eyes were closed and his breathing even, but the lines by his mouth and eyes betrayed his slumber was far from restful.
I didn’t want to acknowledge the craven part of me that wished I’d never pressed him to admitting this monstrous goal. How hard would it have been to have just listened to Damian? It’d been the basis of our relationship, one that worked well enough until…
Fuck.
I asked for this. I demanded to know and I got exactly what I wanted.
No wonder Damian didn’t want to tell me. Not just because the truth was beyond profane to admit to, but because of how I’d react. I’d proved why he wanted to shelter and protect me from this side of his life.
Damian shared his plans and the first thing I did was cry like a baby and pass out.
Yeah, but it’s not every day a girl hears the man she loves confess to trying to kill his adoptive family.
I covered my mouth. I felt sick just from the thought of it. Logic challenged that I should also feel disgust for him.
Impossible.
I couldn’t hate or be repulsed by Damian. Not when he was doing this to protect me.
What if we’re wrong though?
There didn’t seem any way out. If we were wrong then Damian would never forgive himself. If we were right then Elaine would never stop.
She couldn’t.
Blasted tears filled my eyes. I let them pool before setting them free. All the while Damian’s breathing stayed deep and even. I wished I could join him because our reality was fatally tragic.
But that kind of false peace was denied to me. I laid there watching him sleep while tears wet my pillow.
Finally sometime around seven, Damian woke up and broke the spell.
“I need to tell you something about Elaine.”
My throat rasped, “What?” I shored up my dwindling strength, determined to listen to him without bawling.
“I don’t want to kill her, Risa. You have to understand that.”
I believed him which was why it broke my heart that he felt he had no other choice.
“I know you don’t.”
He exhaled as if thankful. “I love you more than you realize, Risa. More than myself. If you believe nothing else I say, then believe that.”
“I believe you.”
Damian buried his face in my neck. His arms became beloved chains. I hugged him back with everything I had. Even though my teary eyes blinded me to everything, I managed to stitch up a heartfelt smile.
“I love you, Damian. I’ll always love you.” I swallowed, feeling like I was choking on the words I’d yet to say. “But I need my space.”
He moved back just far enough to look at me. “Why?”
“This doesn’t change where we were. You still lied to me, Damian. I can’t be okay with that.”
His generous mouth pressed into a hard line before relaxing. “You won’t be able to forgive me if you’re not with me.”
“I won’t be able to forgive you if I don’t have time to myself.”
“I don’t want that.”
“It’s not about what you want, Damian. It’s about what I need.”
“Risa, you can’t do this to me.”
It killed me. Truly.
“I’m not trying to punish you. Honestly.”
“But you’re angry with me.”
“Yes, but I’m sad more than anything.”
Damian’s arms clamped down. “This is why you need to stay with me.”
I stroked the side of his beautifully angular face. The typical smoothness of his cheeks gave way to prickles. He’d have to shave soon, would’ve probably already have done it if he wasn’t laying here with me.
My poor Damian. He loathed not looking his best in every way. Yet, he sacrificed his perfection to keep me company as I fell apart.
Just as he promised he would. He didn’t let me go. Not then when I lost it and not now when I needed the privacy to lick my wounds.
And what did I give Damian in return?
Trouble. Division. Murder.
Withholding a broken sigh, I couldn’t help but wonder why he loved me. I brought chaos into his well-ordered life. With Gretchen, he didn’t have to live like this. He could’ve married her and had a perfect life partner, one Elaine apparently never tried to have killed.
A dark voice whispered, “It doesn’t seem worth it, does it?”
I wouldn’t listen.
Damian and I were worth it. Every bit of suffering, misery, and uncertainty was worth it because we loved each other.
True, Damian shouldn’t have kept me in the dark. Also true, I shouldn’t have been so trusting. Yet, I wouldn’t give up on us. If there was any chance of making us work, of proving myself to this unyielding man, then I’d jump in with both feet.
Gently, I kept stroking his jaw. “I’d stay with you forever, Damian, because I love you. I know you love me too. And because of that love we share, you’re going to have to give me this time alone. It’s the least you can do after everything I’ve learned today.”
Damian’s vulnerability disappeared. He let go of me and abruptly stood up. “Otherwise what?”
I acutely missed the warmth of his body. “It’s not a threat. I need this time and I’m going to take it.”
Fury blazed, turning his pupils into pinpoints of black ice. I loved seeing Damian lose control, but this wasn’t it. Wh
atever this was brought an unholy side of him to the surface. A break in composure and it’d be set free.
I didn’t like it.
“That’s not what you’re wanting.”
Warning scurried through my mind, leaving me to shiver in its aftermath. “It is what I want.”
“If you’re looking for the fucking door then I’m sorry to disappoint you. What you learned today means nothing material to who we are to each other.”
“It means everything.”
“No, it doesn’t. Couples disagree all the time, Risa. It doesn’t mean their relationship is wrong.”
Springing up from the bed, I set my hands on my hips. “I know that! You think I don’t know that?”
“Then why are you quick to look for the damn door, Risa? You’re always trying to run away.”
Our voices kept rising. Even after everything we’d been through, we’d never had a knock-down, drag-out fight at this volume. Damian’s perfect composure didn’t allow for it.
“You’re always accusing me of running from you. That hasn’t been the truth for a long time, Damian, and you fucking know it.”
“Bull.”
“How dare you say that to me? After all the shit I put up from you?”
“Yes, you did. Never mind the fact I had a fucking bullet in my head and could’ve died or been left a vegetable. Forgetting your existence was the worst sin of my life.”
“It damned near destroyed me, Damian. You don’t get to shame me into not feeling it.”
“Forgive me, little girl. I don’t know how to act without your instruction. Please, tell me more.”
“I don’t need your sarcasm.”
“I don’t need you acting like a martyr every time you don’t get your way.”
“I do not act like a martyr!”
“Yes, you do. You throw it up in my face every two seconds. You love feeling like a victim, Risa.”
I held up my hand. “No. You’re so wrong.”
“I am not. You love it because once again I’m the bad guy. I have to be the villain in your story. That way you’re not responsible for any of your choices.”
“I’m not responsible for this, Damian.”
“And I am?”
“Who else?”
“And you didn’t have a tiny bit to do with this turn of events?”
Where the hell was he going with this? Had he lost his damned mind?
“No, I didn’t.”
He crossed his arms and shook his head. “That’s why you’re a martyr. An unfair one at that.”
“You’re not going to dump this on me!”
“No, I’m not. I accept responsibility for my shortcomings.”
“As do I.”
He sneered. The man who’d never allowed that kind of expression to cross his face, fucking sneered at me!
“Sure you do. You never think you hurt me in all this time. It’s always been about what you felt, what you suffered. Never once do you give thought to how you’ve hurt me. You’re the only one who has the right to feelings.”
I felt the truth of it in my bones. I formed the words to deny his accusations, but I couldn’t.
“You’re right. I…I don’t think about it.”
“Why not?”
My volume returned. “Because I don’t know how you feel about anything! You keep everything locked up and never want to let me in!”
“I can’t help how I’m made. I’m not you.”
“I’m not asking you to be me! Jesus, is that what you’re getting out of this?”
“Don’t be pissed with me. You’re not getting what I want you to out of this either.”
“Then tell me.”
Damian turned on his heel. “Why waste my breath? You won’t see my point of view because you don’t want to. Very well. You want space? You’ve got it. May you find it loves you as much as you love it.”
He then flung the door open, letting it crash against the wall.
53
DAMIAN
My head and heart jackhammered my system. I’d never lost verbal control like that. Not since I was a small boy. And it got me the same thing as it did then—shame.
Crashing through the office door, I kicked it shut with my foot. I slammed my palm against the stout wood several times, taking twisted comfort in the pain.
All she wanted was space. Time alone to process the ugliness. Why did I react with an appalling lack of self-control? What the hell had come over me?
I didn’t want to push Risa away, but there was no denying I’d done just that.
My phone chimed. Risa picked up her cleared line.
I pushed off the door and went over to the desk. Failure tasted like ashes in my mouth as I lifted the receiver. Her girlish voice reached me.
I was creating exactly what I feared.
It wasn’t going to be Elaine or the Konstantinovs that caused me to lose Risa.
It would be my own damned fault.
54
RISA
I slammed the door behind me. Chest heaving and blood crashing through my veins, I’d never been so furious with anyone in my life.
How dare Damian talk to me the way he did?
I was the wronged party here. Not him.
Damian was the one who hurt me, forgot me, pushed me away, lied to me…made me the very martyr he accused me of…
Oh, I don’t even want to think about what he said.
So of course, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Was Damian right about me? Did I act the martyr when he didn’t comply to my will?
He’s 100% wrong. 1000%.
Yanking the phone off the cradle, I stabbed the one number that could connect me to the help I needed.
“Hello? Mom? Do you have some time?”
“Sure thing. What’s up?”
I got ready to charge forth with a list of valid complaints against Damian when I remembered.
My family didn’t know about us. They didn’t know the truth of where I was and they certainly didn’t know why.
I couldn’t say a thing.
I’m not being that different from Damian. Are we motivated by the same reasons?
Oh God, was I being manipulated from afar or was he right all along?
“I’ve had a rough day, Mother-Dear.”
“Tell me all about it, Daughter-Dear.”
Sighing, I muttered, “It’s too annoying to put into words. I’ll just get pissed off again.”
“You sure? It usually makes me feel better when I let off steam to your dad.”
“I don’t have enough words and all the ones I do have would be the four-letter kind.”
“Is it your boss?”
My mouth opened to spew a litany of complaints. I snapped it shut. Even if I didn’t have to keep quiet about our current secret, I wouldn’t betray Damian by complaining about him to my family.
Not if I wanted them to support our relationship. And I did—even though I wanted to put Damian over my lap and smack the sense right into him.
The image brought a much-needed smile.
“No. It’s not him. Mr. Black-Price has been exactly as I remembered him. Aloof but professional.”
“Then the problem is?”
“Oh, it’s just other people not being on the ball and making my life harder. Typical B.S.” I rushed on before she could probe further. “Speaking of Daddy, can I ask you a question? It’s rather personal about you two.”
“As long as it’s not a bedroom question, then sure.”
“Ew, Mom!” I didn’t want to laugh aloud but I couldn’t help it. “It’s not that kind of personal.”
“Okay then. Go.”
“How did you handle Daddy when he was being pigheaded?” I needed the tips and tricks because at this rate…ugh!
“That’s a random question to ask.”
“I know, but humor me.”
“I don’t handle Daddy. Just like he doesn’t handle me. We talk it out, sometimes it gets heated, but we get our feeli
ngs on the table so we can apologize, do better, and move on.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
Leaning back against the chair, I tapped my fingers against the desk. “I just wish my…I just wish I could find a man like Daddy. Someone who lives to make me happy and just does what I say.”
My mother laughed loudly. “Is that what you think Daddy does?”
I didn’t expect her reaction. All of a sudden I felt like an awkward teenager who’d gotten her worldview knocked off its axis.
“Well…yes.”
She laughed again, harder this time. “Daughter-Dear, you couldn’t be more mistaken.”
“I don’t understand. I mean, let’s be real here, Mom. You wear the pants in the family.”
“Risa Ellen Kelly! I certainly do not wear the pants alone in our family. Daddy and I both wear them. Sometimes I take one leg and he takes the other. Sometimes he wears them while I take a break and sometimes it’s the other way around.”
I made a skeptical sound deep in my throat. My mother clicked her tongue.
“You wanna fill me in on the sudden interest in my marriage?”
“Not in particular.”
“Okay, since we’re talking hypothetical here. I can tell you this, Risa. You’re not the kind of woman who wants a servant for a partner. You’d be bored silly. Look, I know it’s not exactly the most feminist thing to admit to, but some women like having a man who takes the lead role. I think you’re that kind of woman.”
I wanted to be outraged. Before Damian I absolutely would’ve.
Instead, the tips of my ears burned. “Um, what makes you think that?”
What gave it away?
“Balance, Risa. Everyone needs balance. You’ve always been a take-charge kind of woman. It gets exhausting sometimes. Besides, you’re like me.”
“You get tired too?”
“Honey, we all do. Powerful women are like powerful men. We all sometimes need a break.”
I started thinking about my parents, wondering if there was more beneath the surface of my innocent childhood.
Nope. Definitely don’t want to think about. Just accept the surface. Smooth, squeaky-clean, and pure.
That sounded like a plan.