by Anna Antonia
“Say, what’s brought this up? Are you seeing someone?”
“What? No! I’m not even sure how I got on this tangent.”
“Mmm. Hmm.”
Needing to distract my mom from asking probing questions and stumbling upon the truth, I asked about her shift at the hospital. We chatted a bit, but even though I tried to give her my utmost attention, I couldn’t help but think about Damian.
Were we both right and wrong?
55
DAMIAN
Lila Kelly’s words stayed with me for the rest of the day.
“Powerful women are like powerful men. We all sometimes need a break.”
That was what Risa tried to get me to understand. I never believed I had a need for it. I saw my role in her life as the protector.
Could there, rather, should there be more?
I couldn’t imagine giving Risa control. I didn’t give it to Gretchen and she was a professional.
But Risa’s not asking to dominate me. She just wants to help.
The uncertainty unsettled me. Therefore, I didn’t apologize to Risa for blowing up. However, I gave her what she requested.
Space.
It pained me to avoid Risa, but right now she didn’t want to be my little girl. If I loved her like I knew I did then I had to give Risa what she wanted. Not what I thought she needed.
Even if it broke my heart in the process.
Therefore, I kept my distance. I made meals for one. Risa came down after I was done to make her own dinners and snacks. We spent the evening apart and went to bed the same way.
I couldn’t sleep even though it was an hour before dawn.
I respected Risa’s wishes and in those final moments I realized what I needed to do.
She wanted to believe in second chances. She needed to think she had the power to change the ugliness of my choices.
Only a lie would save Risa’s peace of mind.
Nothing changed. Elaine would die. Thomas too. All their co-conspirators as well. Wolffington would supply the firepower but I’d give the command.
Give? No. I already gave the command. I would not retract it. Not in this lifetime and not for all the money in the world.
This crooked path had come to me as I lay there in a bed without Risa, in the midst of fevered imaginings soaked in blood. Perhaps it was meant to be a portent. Perhaps it was the monsters of a desperate man.
I had to lie to Risa to save her.
She couldn’t bear the weight of truth. It’d already cracked her foundation, her belief in herself and the world around her.
I knew it was a risk to admit anything to Risa. I shouldn’t have been so selfish in wanting to share my burdens with her. I didn’t deserve to lighten the load.
She was right. I’d brought horrible danger into her life. It was only by the grace of God she wasn’t lying in a morgue or already interred. My existence compromised and threatened hers.
Par for the course as a Konstantinov man.
Lila Kelly’s words held a seductive quality to them, but I couldn’t allow it in this lifetime. Risa was meant to be protected. I was meant to protect her. And I would. Even if I had to dribble lies into her mouth for the rest of our lives.
No sin was unforgivable if it meant protecting this precious woman.
Nearly being executed, losing my memory and what little family I had left by falling into Elaine’s trap, I should’ve latched onto this exercise of will. Clarity could only come from decisiveness and my decision to lie to Risa was the only logical one.
It should’ve been a comfort. Instead, I felt like a Judas.
Risa’s demands of equality and fairness were far from unreasonable. In a different life, I wouldn’t fight her like this. If I were another man, a simpler version of myself, I could be an open book.
But I wasn’t someone like Steve Holland.
I was a man who couldn’t even write his true name. From here on out, I could only speak the tongue of my ancestors alone. I absolutely mourned the reason as to why.
Elaine taught me Russian so I wouldn’t forget where I came from. Apart from her and Thomas, I’d never be able to speak it again.
I breathed pain.
I didn’t know who I was anymore. My mouth itched to admit the truth, to prove to Risa I wasn’t the good man she stubbornly assumed me to be.
Any sliver of hope that I could be fully free with Risa shattered before it could fully form into a picture of the future.
That’s not her fault. It’s mine.
I shouldn’t have even carried the thought. I knew better.
Men of my family line were destined to tragedy. Worse—they took their women with them.
My great-great-grandmother saw her husband executed and then, to survive, had to publicly clean toilets along with all manners of drudgery to satisfy a society who wanted to see the surviving nobility break. It worked. She hung herself.
My great-grandmother met the end of her life at the fists of a drunken husband who then threw himself into the river once he roused out of his stupor.
My grandmother died from a fever because her husband didn’t have the money to buy medicine. Her body wasn’t even cold when he robbed a store and was sent to prison for seven years, thus beginning our family’s criminal lineage.
My mother fell in love with my father and bled out in an alley for her love.
All of them were cursed to suffer in loving a Konstantinov man.
Born of filth only to live in filth.
Risa could not carry that tradition. I would protect her from everyone and everything.
Even me.
I would die before I broke my vow to her.
56
“Risa, I need to speak to you.”
She set her book aside and looked up at me. Her eyes were tired. I didn’t have to ask if she slept well.
I crouched down in front of her spot on the couch. Taking both of her hands in mine, I couldn’t help but notice how small they were in comparison. “You’re right. There has to be another way. And…and maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Elaine wasn’t behind this after all.”
I turned her hands over, rubbing my thumbs against the soft palms, and looked up at Risa. Her eyes shimmered in the half-light.
“You really think that might be true?”
“I think it’s a strong probability.” I reached out to play with the ends of her hair. “You’re right. She couldn’t do something like that to me. To us. I’m sure of it. I really believe she’s innocent.”
Hope flared like the sun over the horizon of my despair when she didn’t dispute it.
“Do you now?”
I heard the unspoken demand for elaboration. “I do. Granted, at first I thought she sent that assassin after me, and then you, but the more I think about it the more I realize how insane that is. I jumped to conclusions when I couldn’t get ahold of either of them. I took it as a sign of their guilt.”
Risa squeezed my hand. “When I first accused her I almost took it back. I thought ‘This is Elaine, Damian’s mom. She wouldn’t do something like that—no matter how much she dislikes me.’ Which I’m not entirely sure if she really does or not. She’s harder to read than you.”
Risa’s battered humor let my spirit fly. Everything was turning up for the better. Together we’d make it through this and once it was all over, then we’d start the next chapter in our lives.
I kissed the tip of her nose. “How can anyone ever dislike you, Risa? To know you is to love you.”
Her gaze shone like starlight. It dazzled me with its secrets. “For all Elaine knew, you and I would’ve gotten back together that night. It would’ve been a wasted effort for a situation with so many variables. It was just terrible timing that your…our…enemies made their move that night.”
“Your logic is perfect, Risa,” I murmured. “You have the right of it. I’m sure of it. Not only am I sure, but I’m positive.”
“How so?”
I winged a fingertip across her a
rched brows. “I received confirmation right before I came in here. Elaine is completely innocent. My hand isn’t forced anymore. How’s that for wonderful news?”
Risa didn’t throw her arms around my neck as I would’ve wished. Instead, she sagged against me. “I haven’t heard anything better in a long time.”
I kissed the top of her head. “Good. Now not only is Elaine innocent, but the faction moving against me is no more.”
“Really?”
Sadness lightly touched her tone. I wanted to take it all away.
“Really. I told you I’d take care of it, didn’t I?”
Risa brushed the backs of her fingers against my cheek. “I’m so sorry for doubting you. Not just that but accusing Elaine of something so terrible and dragging you both into my suspicions.”
She bought it. Good.
Only an innocent would’ve accepted my explanation so easily. It was absurdly simplistic and the timing laughable. So why did she?
Because the truth was too abhorrent.
Risa seized on this lie because she wanted it to be true. She needed only the slightest push to jump on it.
Disappointment singed me even though I had no right. I got what I wanted. I didn’t dare complain.
I made the effort to smile for my love. “Your suspicions were reasonable. I had them too. Up until a few hours ago, I was willing to go through with…you understand.”
I could’ve lost her if I hadn’t come up with this lie. It was so close. Too close.
“I guess I should’ve just kept those type of thoughts to myself instead of getting us both so worked up.”
My indulgent smile disappeared. “No, don’t ever do that. You can share anything with me, my love. Truly.”
“Do you really mean that?”
“Absolutely.”
“Here goes then. You’re good, Damian. Really good.”
Danger charged the air. I had to tread carefully.
Risa leaned back. Her hand slipped out of mine. “I almost believed you. It was almost as good as the story you fed me about the psychotic businessman out for revenge.”
Blood filled my ears. My words failed me. Apparently, not for the first time.
Her mouth ticked up in a disgusted grin. “How about you try the truth? This time for real.”
57
RISA
A wall came over his expression. The same goddamned wall that had stood between us from the beginning.
“Do you need help, Damian? The truth would be the opposite of what you tried to make me believe when you said you weren’t going to have Elaine killed.”
He clenched his jaw but said nothing.
Tapping one finger against the side of my head, I asked in utter disbelief, “Did you even think things through? How were you going to explain the fact I never saw either of them again? Lie and say they passed away in a car accident? Oh, I know! You’d hire a pair of actors to replace them. Clearly, you think I was that stupid I’d never even notice. Right?”
“Wrong.”
“Which part? The first or the second?” I held my hand up. “You know what? There’s no point in answering. I’d never believe anything you had to say anyways.”
Damian sat back on his heels. “You spent all morning crying until you were sick. Not because I’d already had Elaine and Thomas taken care of, but just the thought of it.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is you can’t deal with the ugliness of my life.”
Damian was right and wrong about me.
“I can’t deal with your decisions when it comes to Elaine and Thomas, but maybe you’re right in making them. I don’t know. What I do know is I can’t deal with your lies.”
Damian got up. He sat down further away on the sofa. It may as well have been miles away.
“I’m sorry.”
It was a stiff apology, but I knew an olive branch when I saw one.
I drew my leg up. Planting one hand down, I leaned towards him. “Damian, are you in trouble? For real? Is that what this is all about? Have you gotten tangled up with the wrong people? Is it something in development under Bridgewater?”
“No.”
“Is that the truth or what you think I want to hear?”
His mouth tightened. I pushed the line and then pushed some more.
“If it’s not Bridgewater then is it you personally?”
“Risa, stop.”
“You’re not telling me anything because you’re involved in something dirty, right? That means you’re a damned criminal. True?”
He kept his mouth closed.
“Okay. You are a criminal. White-collar crimes don’t usually have gunmen breaking into apartments so that means you’re involved in something way darker. Did you get tangled up in the mafia? Is Elaine part of it?”
I didn’t really believe the words when they came out of my mouth, but Damian’s reaction made me second-guess my hastiness.
He crossed arms. A muscle ticked in his jaw. I thought I’d angered him a few minutes ago. Or even the day of our blowout. Wrong.
In all the months I’d known this man, I didn’t think I’d seen him as enraged.
Not that fateful night in his apartment. Not in France when he thought I’d tried to throw myself out the window. Not in New York when he pushed me away on a daily basis.
“I’m close, aren’t I?”
“That’s enough, Risa.”
The tiny hairs on the back of my neck rose in warning.
“I’m going for mafia. Who was it? Italian?”
Nothing.
“Irish?”
Indifference.
“Chinese? Japanese? Russian?”
“Risa, you are speaking of things that you have no right to. I’m asking you to end your train of thoughts.”
Of course, I kept going. I couldn’t back away. Not when I knew I was so close to something.
“Did you forget to pay a loan? Skip town? You skipped town with me, didn’t you, and that’s why you almost got your head b…blown off.”
I didn’t want to say these ugly things. I didn’t want to lash out like this just because I kept running into Damian’s wall.
I just needed something.
Apparently, even walls got tired of being assaulted because Damian got up and left the room without saying another word.
58
DAMIAN
I avoided Risa until the afternoon. As if she knew I was coming, she stood by the window, framed in a halo. Risa looked like an angel. Pure and untouchable.
I spoke first. “You still want to put things on the table?”
“You know I do.”
Her tiny voice sounded so solemn and unsure of me. I grit my teeth and swallowed down the hurt only to find it couldn’t be ignored.
“Very well. Then I have a question for you. Why did you go out with him?”
That wasn’t what I initially wanted to ask her. Yet in the waiting, I realized no other answer was more important than this one.
Risa sighed. Her disappointment in me was clear. “This is what we’re doing now? Avoiding the real topics at hand?”
Diversionary tactic by using questions. I didn’t appreciate the implication. Risa needed more time to formulate an answer.
“Yes, now.”
Risa moved away from the window, coming into the shadows where I stood. “I went out with Steve because I was free to do so.”
“Wrong. You were not free to do so.”
“Excuse me?”
Her flushed cheeks would be delightful in other circumstances. Risa’s anger was unwarranted. I was the injured party in this scenario. In every other scenario—no.
In this one—yes.
“You heard me, my love. You were not free to dally with Mr. Holland because you were completely in love with me.”
“I thought you said there was no ‘were’.”
“I said there was no ‘was’. And you’re trying to distract me, little girl. None of that matters so let�
��s talk about something that does.”
“Such as Steve.”
“Yes. Steve.” My lip curled over the ordinary name.
Risa leaned forward, expression as feral as I’d see it in recent memory. I nearly didn’t recognize her.
“Very well. What do you want to know?”
“Why?”
“We already went over that.”
“No, we didn’t. Tell me what you saw in that man. Was it his All-American looks? Was it his utterly-false salesman charm?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I imagine it was much like the same thing you saw in Gretchen.”
I shook my head in warning. “You don’t want to do this.”
Risa’s killing smile slayed me. “Or maybe it’s you who doesn’t.”
“Very well.” I gestured to the armchairs facing the fireplace. Doom carved its name into my heart. Waiting until Risa was seated, I sat across from her, shifting into the mode of treating her like an opponent. “I enjoyed Gretchen’s mind. Your turn.”
She smirked. “I’m sure it was her mind.”
“Of course. Gretchen is a woman of high intelligence. She held her own against me.”
Risa narrowed her eyes. “What a telling choice of words.”
No matter how I tried to teach her, Risa refused to let go of her attachment to them. She misconstrued everything.
“Your turn.”
“Damian, this is annoying and stupid.”
“Your turn.”
She rolled her shoulders back. “He was nice to me.”
“Nice.” My repugnance couldn’t be clearer.
“Yes, nice. Steve noticed my existence apart from his.”
“Just to get between those delightful thighs.”
“Believe it or not, Damian, I have value beyond what is between my thighs.”
“Don’t misunderstand me, Risa. I am well aware of your value.”
“So you say.” She leaned back in her chair and lifted her chin slightly. “Your turn.”
“Gretchen wanted to be dominated.”
It was more than that, but boiled down that was the essence. After what she survived, she couldn’t trust anyone else to take control of her. I fulfilled my role, but a permanent attachment wasn’t to be made because our pieces didn’t mesh.