40 Days of Dating: An Experiment
Page 11
Additional comments? On a lighter note, I knew having condoms as business cards would come in handy one day. I woke up with an empty package under my pillow.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE: APRIL 13, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Technically I did. I didn’t see her during the day, but I left her apartment around 12:30 this morning.
What did y’all do together? After the jazz club last night, we went back to her place. I found out that she took an Ativan late at night to help her sleep. This upset me, and we were arguing about it a little. I know medication is very common, and it was prescribed for her, but I get sensitive about this stuff when I care for someone. Jessie has everything, yet her health seems to be a constant issue. I’m worried by how many meds she’s on.
Did anything interesting happen? We had sex. I didn’t have any condoms on me, so I had no choice but to use one of her Sagmeister & Walsh company condoms. Ha!
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? She’s great in bed. All day I’ve been thinking about the intensity between us, how she tasted, the way she felt, and the way she made me feel like she needs me.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? All along, I’ve been trying to not let this happen. I can’t do that anymore, I have to let it happen.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? We had a great time last night on our date. I like this.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I need some sleep.
Additional comments? I’ve been thinking a lot about this movie I saw last week called The Place Beyond the Pines. At its core, the movie is about the consequences a father has to face and what it means to leave a legacy behind to your children. I’ve never met my biological father, and I grew up with two different stepfathers. Luckily I’ve had a slew of mentors who have helped me through the years. In hindsight, I see the resentment I carried around when I was younger—acting out just to prove my existence to someone. Without a real fatherly influence, it’s easy to walk blindfolded, sometimes touching on brilliance, other times tripping over a mirage of male egotism.
Anyway, I went to the Knicks game with a couple friends the other day, and it dawned on me that none of us have our fathers around. They both have young children now, and I wonder how that will affect the way they raise them. How it will affect the way I will raise my children? What kind of legacy will my friends and I leave? And how will our kids cope with the pathology of fathers who miss their fathers?
DAY TWENTY-SIX: APRIL 14, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? He came over to my work studio today.
Did anything interesting happen? We discussed where we might want to go for our weekend trip. Tim really wants to do a road trip. He suggested camping upstate. While I like the idea of going upstate, I don’t think this is the right time for it. We are coming off a long winter, and I really want to get some sun.
In therapy, we’ve discussed how Tim likes to be in control, and how I can be more passive. I spend all day making choices and decisions at the office, so the little decisions—where to go on a date, what bar to go to—seem trivial. I give input and ideas, but I don’t have the energy to debate him on what to do. I often just go with the flow. This drives Tim nuts, and he wishes I’d have more of an opinion about it. Sometimes I think Tim would be happy spending an hour disputing what appetizer we should order!
Making a decision on where to go for a weekend trip seemed like a good time to step up. I told him I’d like to go somewhere warm where we could relax and focus on each other. We went back and forth for an hour, but we couldn’t find a solution. A few hours later I went home to do some more work. I turned on my email and I found the most perfect suggestion from Tim. We’re going to Disney World! It seems like a perfect getaway to end this crazy roller coaster of a journey.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Today I realized that besides our creative work, Tim and I don’t have much in common. Tim likes the woods. I like the beach. Tim likes to debate. I like to compromise. Tim likes to date around. I like meaningful relationships. Tim is great at saving money. I suck at it. Tim is excitable. I am calm. Tim reads about current events and politics. I read about psychology and art. Tim likes to watch basketball and stand-up comedy. I like to watch indie and foreign films. Tim likes jazz and hip hop. I like alternative and electronic. Tim loves drama. I hate drama. The list goes on!
They say opposites attract, and I can see why, especially in the beginning of a relationship. When I date someone with different interests or a different outlook, I inevitably experience new things and see new perspectives. These kinds of relationships can be challenging, but they can also be interesting and rewarding. But do opposites really work out?
I don’t think it’s necessary to share all interests, nor is it necessary to do everything together. I’ve always valued my alone time. Yet, from what I’ve noticed in my friends’ relationships, if they have nothing in common (or if they don’t develop shared interests), then these relationships eventually fall apart. While there are articles that support the opposites-attract theory, I have found many more by psychologists that support what is called similarity theory or balance theory.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I instantly fell in love with the idea of Disney World. I have to admit that I’m still a kid at heart.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Considering Tim suggested Disney World, he’s just a kid at heart, too. So I guess we have that in common!
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I am glad we settled on a trip that we are both happy with. I guess relationships are all about the compromise and letting go of the small differences.
Additional comments? Day one of healthy living!
DAY TWENTY-SIX: APRIL 14, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yep.
What did y’all do together? We met at Jessie’s studio on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
Did anything interesting happen? Not particularly. We talked about where we should go for our weekend trip, since we only have two weeks left. Personally, I want to drive upstate, stay at a cute bed-and-breakfast on the Hudson River, and take in the fresh air. That’s my idea of a great weekend trip. Not Jessie. Jessie wants to go to Mexico and chill out on the beach. Which is great when you’re worn out and just need a vacation. I’m just too active for that right now. I want an adventure. I want a bonding experience. I want to listen to a vacation mix!
Jessie’s resistance to my idea reminded me of an old Sex and the City episode. In the episode, Carrie is forced to go upstate to her boyfriend’s country house, where she freaks out about nature. (Yes, I know about this. And YES, Aidan was the best.) That’s Jessie—a Manhattan girl through and through. You can’t hike in high heels, Jessie!
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? She gets dismissive sometimes. She gives me a hard time, but she can get wishy-washy if she doesn’t 100 percent like something. Neither of us should have to compromise on a weekend trip, though. We both should be excited about this. When I got home, I had this random idea. Considering all the ups and downs, it only seemed fitting that we do something crazy wonderful. Disney World, holla!
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I already knew this, but I really do love the unexpected.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I’m worried that she could be overthinking the sex the other night. I hope she’s not, I’m having a good time with everything.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? No, not today.
Additional comments? Jessie is having dinner tonight with our friend who wanted me to stop the project a couple weeks ago. I’m a bit worried.
DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: APRIL 15, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do toge
ther? After work I went to the gym for my new “get healthy” regimen. As part of this plan I want to start cooking healthier meals. I used to love cooking, but for the past year and a half I’ve ordered in almost every single meal, including breakfast. It’s just so tempting to get all your meals delivered when you are single in NYC. It’s fast, convenient, and often cheaper than cooking for yourself. While I was in the market, I called Tim to find out what his thoughts were for dinner. He was not excited about this. He worried that it would become an ordeal, and he was already hungry. He tried to convince me to order from a healthy restaurant near me. Perhaps he was afraid my cooking would be a disaster? After several minutes of back and forth, I finally convinced him to let me cook. I made salmon topped with a mango salsa, with asparagus on the side.
After our meal, we went to my rooftop for a drink. I sipped on champagne, Tim had a beer. It started to get chilly up on the roof, so Tim put his arms around me to warm me up. The embrace was calming and comforting. After twenty minutes, we headed back downstairs for dessert, and Tim surprised me with chocolate peanut butter ice cream! I’m trying to cut out dairy, so I savored just one spoonful. This was my favorite flavor growing up! In middle school, my dad would take me to Baskin-Robbins to get a scoop of classic Peanut Butter N’ Chocolate ice cream every day after soccer practice. So many happy memories. Tim put on some jazz and we danced around my apartment for a while.
Did anything interesting happen? By now I know how quickly a “hungry Tim” can turn into “hangry” Tim! I can get this way, too. In fact, I’m pretty sure one of my earlier relationships deteriorated in part to my low blood sugar issues. I made Tim some bean dip crostinis to hold him over while I cooked. He seemed to enjoy them.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? I learned that Tim does not like avocado, so I left it out of my usual mango-salsa recipe. Who doesn’t like avocado?! I am not sure how it’s going to work out long-term between us if he doesn’t learn to appreciate the awesomeness of avocados.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I think my heart belongs to New York City. The views from my rooftop never cease to astonish me. Some nights I go to the roof with a glass of wine and soak in how incredible and unique this place is. So much life, so much energy, so many interesting people walking around and living their different stories. It’s filled with endless places I want to go, art I want to see, good food to eat, and great people I want to meet.
I love to travel, and I’m grateful my job allows me to do this often. But no matter how wonderful a trip is, I always eagerly await the moment I catch a glimpse of the skyline on my way back from the airport. I fall in love with the city all over again.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Everything felt romantic tonight, and I didn’t want the night to end. However, I had to get up at 5:30 AM for work, so I asked him to leave early.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I used to cook elaborate meals for my ex-boyfriend when we lived together a few years ago, but my skills are rusty now. I want to start cooking more often. There’s a great local organic market near me, and it’s much easier to be healthy when I handpick the ingredients.
Additional comments? I overcooked the asparagus, but we still ate it!
DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: APRIL 15, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yessir.
What did y’all do together? Jessie cooked for us! It seems this modern NYC gal has some domestic qualities. It was super cute. She wanted us to spend a night in, since we tend to always go out. After dinner, we took it up to the roof. She has an amazing view.
Did anything interesting happen? She overcooked the asparagus.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Some of Jessie’s friends refuse to speak to her about this experiment. They don’t approve, which obviously bothers her. I talk to my good friends about Jessie every day, so I’d be pretty disappointed if I couldn’t speak to them about it.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I feel so “American” compared to Jessie. It really hit me tonight. At my core, I’m just an Ohio boy who loves basketball, books, beer, babes, and barbecue. I dig American history, current events, and pop culture; things that make this country tick. I read the New York Times the moment I wake up. I can’t talk to Jessie about this kind of stuff—it’s just not her thing. Jessie likes mysterious foreign guys who wear all black, talk about Gothic architecture, and contemplate human existence.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I had a really nice time tonight. We were kissing on the roof. We were kissing in her apartment. It was romantic. It felt right.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Keep it going!
Additional comments? Jessie’s been going to the gym. She seems way more upbeat because of it. I really, really like this. All hail her gym!
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: APRIL 16, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yep!
What did y’all do together? Tim met me near my office for a quick coffee at a place called Ports. I have a day packed with meetings, and I really appreciate how accommodating he is being with my schedule.
Did anything interesting happen? Tim is reading a manuscript for a book jacket design he is working on. The topic is creative duos, and why creativity works best in pairs rather than as a single person or in large groups. I have always loved to read, so I appreciate that Tim does as well. After coffee, Tim walked me back to my studio. He kissed me goodbye when he dropped me off at my office.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Tim brought up how “American” he felt compared to me, and how I seem much more European. I never thought about this before, since I am not so interested in these kinds of labels. Personally, what I think defines someone is their character, not where they are born or their religion. It’s how they treat people, their passions and interests, their goals and ambitions. Tim has great character. He is passionate, motivated, interested, and he has a big heart. Sure, he has his problems and issues, but at least he can call himself out on his own bullshit and laugh about it. I think the only people to laugh at are those who can’t laugh at themselves.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Tim called me an “enigma” today for the third time! I’ve been called this by family members and past boyfriends before. Even my own therapist has called me an enigma. The Myers-Briggs personality indicator called me an enigma! Why do people think I am so complicated when I feel so simple? I talked about this with a friend of mine. She told me to not take it personally, that being an enigma is basically the definition of being a woman. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing to not be so easily defined.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Someone once said that the best kind of relationship is one where you “talk like best friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like brother and sister.” Whether or not Tim and I work out romantically, I feel lucky to have this with Tim. Today we talked about how no matter what happens, we’ll be forever linked through this crazy experiment.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Not today. Things are good.
Additional comments? I drank decaf coffee today, but it just wasn’t the same. I bought a croissant, but realized it was wheat, so I resisted eating it. This is tough. However, it’s day three of healthy living and still no headaches! #tradeoffs
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: APRIL 16, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Sí.
What did y’all do together? We met for coffee around 3:00 PM by her studio.
Did anything interesting happen? Not particularly. It was, however, the first time we kissed in public. As we had coffee, I could sense that she wanted me to be affectionate with her. While I’ve had commitment issues the last couple years, I’ve never been scared of PDA. I will hold hands and kiss any girl I’m dating in public. I can actually go to
o far at times, turning my PDA into TMI.
But this is different. This is Jessie. This is not the same. Usually, you don’t know these kinds of things when you’re getting to know somebody. But because I already know her so well, I know how much everything means to her. That’s what’s undermining me. I’m still nervous about leading her on too much right now.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? She told me that she’s been grinding her teeth. I used to do that years ago, and I’d wake up with massive headaches. It was awful. I sent her an article about it today.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? We ran into my friend Wyatt while we were sitting in front of the coffee shop. Have you ever felt like someone knew you were up to something, even if you really weren’t? Like, I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew something was going on. It was hilarious.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I’m designing a book cover for a book on creativity and pairs. Essentially it explains how the “lone genius” is a myth, and that two people working together is better than an individual or three people. It goes on to explain how pairs can challenge and support each other because they can only really lean on each other; there are no shortcuts. A three-legged table will hold up just fine, but two legs can run.