40 Days of Dating: An Experiment

by Jessica Walsh

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? I know how these stupid misunderstandings can ruin relationships. I’ve had fights with exes, woken up the next morning and couldn’t even remember what the disagreement was about. I expressed my interest in dropping the subject. I started to rub his neck, and gave him a big hug. Personally, when I am sad or upset, this “hug it out” strategy always seems to work. And it did! We started hugging and kissing and the mood lightened back up within one minute.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I have gotten much better in my life about about stepping back from miscommunication and drama in order to see the bigger picture. This wasn’t always the case. In earlier relationships, I could get lost in an argument and I wouldn’t drop it. I’d let it consume me. I don’t feel the need to win arguments or feel right or wrong anymore, I am more interested in keeping the peace. I feel good about this.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? The makeup sex that followed was great! Who doesn’t love makeup sex? Also, apparently Tim hasn’t masturbated the entire thirty-five days. No wonder he was so tense before!

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? I watched a documentary the other day that explained how the human brain can only store so much information. There is so much data going on around us at every moment, it’s impossible to process everything. As humans we are constantly making unconscious decisions about what is relevant. I already feel overwhelmed with all the knowledge and interesting ideas I want to absorb. I have no interest in wasting valuable brain space on “he-said-she-said” gossip drama. I hate that Tim and I wasted an hour fighting about it.

  Additional comments? Veza sent me one of Eleanor Roosevelt’s quotes. It’s a nice reminder of where to keep the focus.

  DAY THIRTY-FOUR: APRIL 22, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? I went to her place around 9:30 PM. The plan was for me to sleep over. I emailed her during the day to tell her that I was coming over. I was excited about it!

  Did anything interesting happen? We began arguing the first minute I saw her. She brought me some ice cream, and then she told me about a guy she knows who had just started dating a girl I was once mildly talking to. When I say mild, I mean mild. I never even kissed this girl. We hung out a couple times, had some laughs, and that was it. I asked Jessie what exactly she told this guy, but her answers seemed suspicious to me. I continued to ask her about it, and she started to contradict herself. I felt like she was lying.

  Outside of all that, this whole thing really just bothers me. I can’t speak for all men, but if I was in his position and had just started dating a girl I was excited about, the LAST thing I’d want is for someone to tell me gossip about her. Why go there? Jessie doesn’t seem to have a filter sometimes.

  And more importantly, I never even dated this girl! So on top of Jessie blurting this stuff out to him, what she told him was something that wasn’t even true. This creates a couple of problems:

  (1) If the girl hears this, she might think I was lying about what actually happened between us—which was nothing. (2) The next time I see this dude, he might be weird with me because he thinks I dated his girl—which I didn’t. (And I know he cares, because when Jessie told him, he texted his girlfriend to ask if she and I had ever dated.) It’s a recipe for awkwardness for everyone, and it could have all been avoided if Jessie didn’t say something.

  Anyway, we argued about this for a good hour. Admittedly, it was the stupidest argument ever. But I couldn’t let it go. I felt like she lied to me and I just wanted her to ADMIT that she lied to me. I’m like the police: I can have all the evidence, but I want a confession! Ha! Really, I just wanted her to take some responsibility for what happened. But Jessie can be stubborn sometimes, refusing to see things my way. Then, of course, she felt attacked because she hates confrontation. Then it turned around on me. Things got heated. I threatened to leave. She said sorry. I said sorry. I ate some ice cream. We talked. We hugged. We made out. We had sex. We went to bed.

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jessie famously brushes any conflict off by simply dismissing me as “sensitive.” Her new line is, “It’s not a big deal, Tim,” in this condescending tone. Nothing drives me up a wall more than this stuff. Sometimes I feel like we’re two aliens, from different planets with different languages, trying to communicate via Skype without electricity. Sigh.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I can’t believe I haven’t figured this out until now, but Jessie is totally a “tricky girl”! I’m literally having an epiphany right now! Jessie has all the characteristics of a tricky girl: pretty, quiet, complicated, talented, and mysterious. She’s completely unaware, yet willing to make her mind up at the drop of a hat. She is Annie Hall, Felicity Porter, Clementine Kruczynski, and Patricia Franchini all rolled into one.

  The tricky girl thing is totally my Achilles’ heel. I’m at this kind of girl’s mercy. You can NEVER tell what’s on a tricky girl’s mind. The tricky girl will unknowingly rip your heart out, cut it into little pieces, and then ask you, politely, if she can feed you. I’ve fallen hard for girls like this in the past. I guess I’ve always known this about her, but now that we’re in this relationship, I’m seeing it in a whole different light. Everything that happened tonight was a classic tricky girl situation. I’ve dated girls like this before, and it always drove me nearly mad. And the funny thing is that one man’s tricky girl doesn’t necessarily make her another man’s. Someone else might date Jessie and not see ANY of this. A tricky girl is situational and circumstantial. It depends on all parties involved. I’m not built for a tricky girl. Oh dear.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I hate to make her a trope, because she’s clearly an amazing three-dimensional person. But this is blowing my mind right now. We have some fundamental differences we need to work through. I guess that’s what relationships are about, right?

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? I don’t want to attack her. And I don’t want her to feel attacked by me when we have disagreements. I think a lot of this stems from us having to seeing each other every day. It’s hard, y’all.

  Additional comments? She gave me a really sweet note in the beginning of the night. She knows I geek on Winnie-the-Pooh, so I could care less about this fight we had. Besides, we’ll be in Disney World.

  DAY THIRTY-FIVE: APRIL 23, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Technically!

  What did y’all do together? He slept over from Monday night.

  Did anything interesting happen? I slept like a rock. As per usual, I gravitated toward the middle of the bed in a fetal position, hugging my Tempur-Pedic pillow. Sadly, Tim did not sleep as well—he was disturbed by the noises of garbage trucks outside my apartment. I’ve lived in my apartment for five years with insomnia, and I somehow failed to notice the garbage trucks until now. Now that he’s brought it to my attention, the noise seems constant! It’s like when you learn a new word and suddenly you see and hear it everywhere. It was an interesting reminder how much we see and hear what we want to.

  Around 2:00 AM, Tim woke me up in the middle of my REM-cycle dream. I was dreaming that Tim and I were with my sister by the ocean. The world was going to end, and while I was aware of this, I didn’t want to tell them. I knew there was nothing that we could do to stop it, and I wanted them to enjoy their last moments on earth. I’ve never been afraid of death, and the dream seemed strangely peaceful.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? I like him naked. In the morning he took a shower, gave me a kiss goodbye, made a snide comment about my fancy toothpaste, and left for an early breakfast.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? When I fell back to sleep, I began lucid-dreaming. When this happens, I’m aware that I’m dreaming and I can manipulate what happens. This is one of my favorite experiences in life.
I am fascinated by dream psychology, and how we can use dreams to make sense of our lives. As humans we often define what happens in our day-to-day life in the waking world as what is “real.” However, I find that anything that is conceived in the mind (consciously or unconsciously) can be real. Dreams and the musings of the imagination are more interesting than any day-to-day reality, as they are not bound by the constraints of waking life. Combining reality with the dream world makes things awesome. You can do whatever (or whomever!) you like! I taught myself how to lucid-dream last year.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Feeling good!

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? I still haven’t been to Tim’s apartment, which made me think back to the commitment-phobia signs. I texted him, asking when I’d get to stay over at his place. I knew he was writing something after seeing the classic iPhone “. . .” but he never sent a response. #sigh.

  Additional comments? I thought I moved to the right side of the bed, but apparently Tim remembers it otherwise. He sent me an illustrated diagram of his sleeping positions throughout the night. Such a weirdo! I like that.

  DAY THIRTY-FIVE: APRIL 23, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? Technically, yes.

  What did y’all do together? I slept over at her place last night. I rushed out of her apartment quickly because I was running late for a breakfast with my friend. I love meeting for breakfast in NYC.

  Did anything interesting happen? Jessie is an insomniac, and I usually sleep very well. But ironically, I had the worst night’s sleep ever. I was up all night tossing and turning. This NEVER happens with me. I can sleep through a tornado. Anyway, it was nice to stay over at her place.

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jessie slept directly in the middle of the bed the entire night. I literally don’t think she moved one time. She was a rock. I even tried to push her over, albeit unsuccessfully. It was horrible.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? This never happens when I sleep at a woman’s house. Is this a bad omen? I mean, everything was bothering me last night: the city lights were coming in through the window shades, there was a loud garbage truck outside, the pillows felt hard, and her place felt unusually warm.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I feel better about our little fight last night. If there’s one thing Jessie and I are good about, it’s getting over things quickly.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? Get some sleep tonight.

  Additional comments? I’ve been reading a book about the great baseball player Pete Rose. He was sort of this mythical character when he played in Cincinnati. He was a throwback to earlier times, when ball players were iconic enough to make a difference in their own community. In many ways, he was a great man. Forever gracious and considerate to his community, particularly with blue-collar folks. He was always giving to charity and he’d make sure he signed every piece of memorabilia for fans after games. He was the epitome of baseball for a long time.

  He did, however, have three major shortcomings: He was an alleged addictive gambler, womanizer, and a compulsive perfectionist at work. He was a tragic character, who possessed a lot of good qualities—and a lot of destructive ones that tainted his life, his reputation, and his good standing with the baseball community.

  There are usually two reactions when it comes to Pete Rose. He’s good or he’s bad. He’s right or he’s wrong. He’s a nice guy or he’s an asshole. It’s natural to make these snap judgements, but why do we so easily dismiss someone as a two-dimensional character? We all carry a dichotomy, with gray areas in between. I suppose I’m trying to justify my own actions here, but this experiment has made me confront so many things that I’ve tried to sweep under the rug. We shouldn’t judge someone based on one snapshot of their life, we should measure someone by the totality of their existence.

  DAY THIRTY-SIX: APRIL 24, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? We met at a hotel in Midtown, where we were evaluating portfolios for junior-year design and advertising students. We grade their portfolios and help determine which students should get honors classes or receive scholarships. It was sad to close out the semester. I’ve grown attached to a few of my students. But every ending is a new beginning, and I am excited to see where the students go.

  Did anything interesting happen? Tim’s friend John is a funny character. He’s been to Disney World three times in the past few years with his kids, and he had some pretty awesome tips. He told us that the most romantic ride is Haunted Mansion. He and his wife went without the kids last year just for that ride! So sweet. It sounds like they are very much in love. It made me think about other successful marriages I know of and wonder what makes a relationship last long-term.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? I am excited about Disney World, but I think Tim is starting to freak out. He keeps mentioning how much pressure it will be to spend three days together there. He said a weekend trip with a girl is something he has rarely done. It is very serious for him. We’ve been on trips together before, but perhaps he feels pressure now that we are more of an item?

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I have no issue spending a weekend with a guy who I like. Truthfully, when I find something I like, I want it all the time. I know I can have a slightly obsessive personality. This can apply to a song, a restaurant, a piece of clothing, a type of makeup, or a kind of food. For example, when I discovered this restaurant Dogmatic, I became obsessed and ate a gourmet sausage dog every day for lunch for two years straight. Or when I found this amazing pair of fleece-lined tights I loved, I bought fifty pairs of them so I’d never run out. I’ve listened to this James Blake song on repeat all month. And I like to go to the same coffee shops and order the same coffee every day.

  I can be the same with relationships. If I am really into a guy, I am totally cool to hang out as much as possible. Weekend trips, family events, work parties, bring it on! I have to accept that Tim will never be that way. He likes variety and constant change. He loves having plenty of personal space and doesn’t like when his girl interferes with other parts of his life.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Pretty good! Things seem to being going well between us.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? After the portfolio review, I met my parents at the Chelsea Market. They have been to Disney World too, and had some tips of their own. It made me think again about what makes a relationship work. They’ve been together almost thirty years. And both of their own parents have stayed happily married their entire lives. Anyway, they started listing off some great relationship advice, so I asked them to write it down.

  Additional comments? Tim loves cheese danishes. He ate three of them. Three!

  DAY THIRTY-SIX: APRIL 24, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? You know it.

  What did y’all do together? Since we both teach juniors at SVA, we had to go to the mandatory portfolio review this morning. Essentially, a group of design teachers together in one room grading students’ portfolios. When I got there, Jessie was already talking to a good friend of mine (and fellow teacher). I liked seeing her in my “world” today.

  Did anything interesting happen? For the first time, I could really sense that she likes me. I hadn’t felt that energy from her the way I did this morning. These little smiles and gestures and courtesies. I felt like we were “together,” especially when we were explaining our Disney trip to some friends. I’ve always liked the word “together.” I have no idea about its origin, and I obviously love the thrill of the chase, but I like to think it comes from merging these three wonderful words: to-get-her.

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? I realized it was 12:30 PM, and I had a lunch in Brooklyn at one o’clock. Jessie was in a conversation,
so I just waved goodbye and gave her a gesture that I had to go. Didn’t seem like a big deal, but she has this way of making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve always felt this.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I don’t know if my way of leaving today bothered her, but I realized it might have been weird. If I need to be somewhere fast, I just like to go without a fuss.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I feel okay on the surface level, but everyone is asking me what happens on day forty-one. That is not making me feel okay. I really think it’s important to finish this project first. Then we should take a couple days off from seeing each other, gain some perspective, and keep seeing each other before we make any decisions. I’m not interested in dating other women. I’m interested in seeing if there is a healthy relationship between us beyond the project.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? Things are really good. I took one of the SVA reviews with me, filled one out for Jessie, and emailed it to her later in the day. Strong! Smart! Sexy!

  Additional comments? I love teaching because it makes me articulate a process that isn’t easy to define. Creativity is not predictable. And since I enjoy working on a diverse range of work, the process is constantly in flux for me. (I suppose this runs parallel with my dating history, too!) As I continue to get better at my craft, it’s important for me to remember why I loved it in the first place. So many of us set this aside and simply do what others suggest, never finding our own voice, and forgetting why we set out on this journey in the first place.