40 Days of Dating: An Experiment

by Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Jessica today? Oh yes.

  What did y’all do together? We went to the AIGA design gala. I was on the benefit committee, so I happily dragged her along with me. Also, her partner, Stefan, was being honored with a medal. We sat with him and his fiancée, Veza.

  Did anything interesting happen? At least four of our friends asked us to kiss during the course of the night. They wanted us to prove that we’re doing this experiment together, like it was some sort of a contest. It was ridiculous. My friend Esteban practically made us make out in front of him. And everyone asked if we’re going to keep dating after the forty days. I felt tired from it all. Stefan’s fiancée was antagonizing me a lot. At one point she came up to me and said, “You’re hot, but you’re a coward.”

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? I love that Jessie lets me be me. I never feel like I have to conform for her, nor do I worry about her in social settings. We both had a lot of friends and people we knew there. I can be very sociable at parties, and even though she’s a bit more reserved, she’s always fun and up for whatever. I really appreciate this.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? Is Veza right—am I really a coward? Perhaps. As I’ve said, something is holding me back. And it’s not just about having commitment issues. Yes, I do think the fear of commitment and the fear of monogamy are natural states for a lot of men. I salute those who are never tempted, because it’s damn hard to stay focused in NYC. I think I’ll know when it’s right, though.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Things have been really great the past week. But after all the questions during the gala, I’m starting to feel pressured again. I hate that I feel like I need to decide something in the next nine days. Honestly, I wish we didn’t have to talk about it.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? When it comes to the pressure, I need more patience. I’ve gotten a lot better, especially after living in San Francisco for a year and a half, but my patience isn’t the best.

  Additional comments? After the gala, we met up with some friends for a drink at a spot in NoHo. As we were leaving, Jessie and I stole some oatmeal from this place. It was hilarious! She and I had a fun time and a good laugh.

  I was such a klepto as a teenager. By the time I was thirteen, I practically had a baseball card racket going. My friends and I would wear tighty-whities, and stuff an entire box of baseball cards down our pants successfully. I still have my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card. When I was fourteen, we’d steal CDs from the used CD shop. I still have the entire Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd discographies because of it. When I was fifteen, we would steal Mad Dog 20/20, and then get drunk at the movies. When I was sixteen, I was stealing cigarettes from the gas station. And finally, when I was seventeen, we had enough of the small-time stuff. We convinced our friend to work at CVS pharmacy, so we could literally hijack the joint. We’d come home with a garbage bag full of cigarettes, cigars, beer, wine, rolling papers, candy bars, candles, anything we could party with. I was such a little dust-kicker. Anyway, even though those days are long gone, I love that Jessie can still bring a part of my youth out (even when it involves breaking the law). We had a good night.

  DAY THIRTY-TWO: APRIL 20, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? For a moment.

  What did y’all do together? Our friend Julia was having a going-away party, and we planned to go together. However, after a long morning at the gym, I was extremely tired. I strained a muscle after running five miles, and I just wanted to lie in bed and watch a movie. I asked Tim if he would mind if I stayed at home. He seemed kind of annoyed, but said he’d stop by instead. I felt really bad about it, but I can’t remember the last time I took a day off from work. Sometimes time enjoyed wasting is not wasted!

  Did anything interesting happen? He arrived at my door with a single red rose.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? The flower was incredibly sweet and romantic. Little gestures like this are very meaningful to me in any relationship. We hugged and kissed and talked about our plans for tomorrow.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? This experiment has been crazy, and the self-reflection in therapy has not been easy. In combination with the headaches, it sent me over the edge last week. It’s unbelievable, but since changing my lifestyle last week, I feel almost entirely better. I run and do yoga every morning now. I am sleeping better, and the headaches are gone, which makes me feel calmer. I am starting to feel like my normal self again, and I think it’s having a positive impact on Tim and me as well. I went into this experiment hoping to learn about relationships, but we’ve really learned and grown so much on a personal level as well.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Tim’s rose reminded my of my all-time favorite book, Le Petit Prince. I have several copies, but my favorite is this old vintage edition I found last year, which I now keep by my bedside. I reread it today.

  The story is about an adventurous prince who loves a little rose. The rose is naïve, proud, and doesn’t know how to admit her love back to the prince. Because of this, she accidentally drives him away. When she informs the prince of her love, it is too late. The prince’s heart is already set on traveling the world. During his travels, he meets many adults of various professions. He comes to realize that most adults are narrow-minded and pragmatic. He realizes they are too preoccupied with wealth and power and other “serious matters,” and they miss the important things in life: beauty, friendship, self-discovery, imagination, open-mindedness, and love.

  The prince watches as adults rush from one place to the next, never able to appreciate the small wonders of the world right in front of them. Through his journey he begins to greatly miss his flower and realizes the deep extent of his appreciation for her. While there are many roses out there, it’s his love for her that makes her so special and unique.

  There are so many life lessons embedded within this beautiful story. St. Exupéry suggests that the key to happiness is to stay inquisitive about life and to explore the unknown, with an acceptance that many of life’s questions will remain a mystery. The story emphasizes the responsibilities of our romantic relationships, and how they teach us about our greater responsibility to the world.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? The story emphasizes that words are the source of misunderstandings, and that the truths in life defy explanation. Only our hearts can see them correctly. It makes me think about Tim, and how many misunderstandings we’ve had. We do deeply care for each other, but our opposing styles of communication cause unintentional stress between us. I started reading about these communication styles, which are outlined in this book. I have an “affiliative style” and Tim has a “competitive style” of communication. This all makes me wonder. Do I really comprehend his true intentions and feelings, and does he understand mine? I should listen more to my heart. Does this feel right?

  Additional comments? A few favorite lines from Le Petit Prince to end the day...

  DAY THIRTY-TWO: APRIL 20, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? For a fast second.

  What did y’all do together? My friends Julia and Esteban are moving to Berlin, so we were going to go see them tonight in Brooklyn. I was damaged from all the whiskey I had last night at the gala. Jessie decided to stay at home, so I left early to go watch the Knicks game with Esteban. I stopped by Jessie’s before going.

  Did anything interesting happen? I brought her a rose. She was lying in bed watching Silver Linings Playbook. We talked about tomorrow’s plans and we kissed a lot.

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? I was certain that she did not watch movies! Who knew.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I still feel the pressure from our friends last night at the gala. Everyone seems to have these expectations about me and this project, and I feel burdened by that.

  How do you feel about this re
lationship/project right now? Seeing each other every day isn’t easy. I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic. Honestly, I was hoping that she wouldn’t want to come with me to the going-away party tonight. It’s nothing personal, I just needed some space. We were texting earlier, and I tried to be coy about it.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? A couple days ago, Jocelyn said that we’re playing the roles we’ve been cast in from the beginning: Jessie wants more and I pull away. I suppose everyone is playing out their own reactions, roles, myths, and characters in relationships. How does one really change their habits in a relationship, anyway? Is that even possible? When you meet someone, you usually don’t meet the real person. You meet their sponsor or their agent. It takes a while to really know someone, and it takes a while to let go of our baggage. It’s a tough current to swim against. No wonder people find themselves making the same mistakes over and over again.

  Additional comments? Jocelyn’s words reminded me of something a wiser, older friend said to me many years ago. I had just graduated college, and I was feeling extremely unstable about my future. At the same time, I had recently gone through a rough breakup—a relationship that I had pretty much single-handedly ruined. I was depressed, heartbroken, and I wasn’t handling anything well. I have to laugh at what a mess I was then. Isn’t it extraordinary to look back at something that felt so profound at the time, only to see how trivial it feels now? Anyway, my friend gave me some very meaningful words, something that I’ll never forget.

  DAY THIRTY-THREE: APRIL 21, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? We challenged each other to hold hands for eight hours straight. Hand-holding is the quintessential public demonstration by couples.

  Did anything interesting happen? I told my sister what we were going to do. She thought it was impossible that we’d make through the entire day. Impossible just means it hasn’t been done before! It wasn’t that difficult. Surprisingly, I adjusted easily to having only one hand.

  We met at my studio. Tim looked super cute today, I liked his striped shirt. We rode the subway together. We tried on shoes. We went to the bathroom. We played pool. We bowled. We ate brunch. We took cabs. We used a Starbucks restroom. We did handstands in the park. We attempted to do yoga, then we gave up and fell asleep in the grass. Some people were perplexed. Some whispered. Some rolled their eyes. A few people joined in and held hands with us. Most just laughed or smiled. It was a beautiful day.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? I learned that Tim is extremely pee shy! He also pees for an exceptionally long time. I wasn’t sure it would end. It was endearing.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I know I can be super quirky. Looking back, I was always like this, even as a child. Twelve years ago when my family watched a love story about a shy and peculiar French girl named Amelie, they practically tried to change my birth name. They’ve always thought our personality similarities were uncanny, and we both had a suicidal goldfish as a childhood best friend. I guess the bangs match up, too. All I need now is a gnome.

  I’ve always been looking for a boy who can match my level of weirdness. Tim isn’t quite as strange, but I do love that he can be playful, and we can laugh at ourselves and each other. Running around the city today reminded me of the Amelie ending. We had so much fun. Could Tim be my Nino? I’ve been trying to keep my guard up to protect myself, but maybe I should listen to Mr. Dufayel and let myself be vulnerable before it’s too late.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I think this experiment brought us closer together. There is actually biological science to all this. Holding hands and hugging decreases the stress hormones in the brain, lowers blood pressure, and releases oxytocin (the cuddle hormone). It promotes the feeling of trust, and, let’s face it, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. In many ways it’s more serious than kissing!

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? We started out the day by passing a street musician named Vladimir who I walk by on my way to work every morning. He plays the guitar and sings for tips. Today we saw him in the subway, away from his usual spot outside the Chelsea Hotel. He said this was the first time he has seen me smile. That is crazy! I should smile more often. Then he mentioned that he thought Tim looked like he worked in porno.

  Additional comments? I want to do more crazy weird experiments with Tim!

  DAY THIRTY-THREE: APRIL 21, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? Handz yes!

  What did y’all do together? We met early on a beautiful Sunday AM. As an experiment, our plan was to explore a common relationship cliché: holding hands. And we met some interesting people along the way:

  Did anything interesting happen? We held hands for eight hours straight without once letting go! We went shopping, we ate brunch, we bowled, we played pool, we went on the train, we held hands with strangers, we got annoyed with each other, we peed together, we did head stands. It was a ton of fun.

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Today just reaffirmed how awesome Jessie is. There aren’t many people I could share stuff like this with so comfortably—even when it’s uncomfortable! There’s a reason why we’re on this crazy ride together. Also, Jessie’s hand sweats.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? I can’t pee when there is an audience listening to and recording me. I also forgot that I’m a bad bowler.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I feel good about it all. However, I’m becoming increasingly concerned about what I’m secretly calling “40DoD-Day.” At the end of the day today, my friend asked me what’s going to happen when the forty days are up. I didn’t know how to answer him. This makes me curious, because I always know if I want to at least pursue something. Jessie and I seem to be fundamentally different on many levels—I wonder if there’s some cosmic roadblock. If Jessie and I were supposed to be more than great friends, wouldn’t I know by now?

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? I need to forget everything I just wrote and stop worrying about “40DoD-Day.” Also, my hand feels odd right now, like it broke out of some plastic mold. Truth be told, my hand misses Jessie’s hand right now.

  Additional comments? This experiment was so fun today. I’m reading a book on writing and myths that a previous boss gave me years ago. When I worked for him, we used archetype cards to help with our brand stories and positioning. Archetypes are ancient, universal patterns of behavior that highlight an original example, ideal, or epitome. According to this idea, all people fall into various types, including the Trickster, who manipulates others through duplicity; the Martyr, who transcends service to oneself or a cause; the Fool, who helps people laugh at absurdity and hypocrisy; the Artist, who inspires others to see life symbolically; and the Gambler, who follows intuition even when others don’t.

  These helped us to know who a particular company was, what they stood for, and where they were positioned in culture—which sometimes informed our entire creative process. While myths and archetypes are created around our favorite brands, I find it’s much more important to be in the story, rather than the one who’s telling it. Living the experience is what matters, not what kind of archetype you’re labeled as.

  All of this makes me think about Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when Mr. Edward Rooney’s secretary, Grace, speaks about Ferris: “Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

  DAY THIRTY-FOUR: APRIL 22, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? After work I had a dinner planned with my friend Veza at Pure Food and Wine. Tim had a work meeting. He texted me around 9:30 to meet in my building’s lobby. Right as I got the text, I was getting out of a cab. I saw him standing i
n line at the market below my apartment building. I snuck into the market, ran up behind him and surprised him with a big hug and kiss. I also gave him a card that I made him. I bought him a chocolate sundae as a takeaway treat from my dinner. He was very excited about this and scarfed down his pasta and the ice cream within minutes of walking into my apartment.

  Did anything interesting happen? After he ate, Tim talked about going to a work-related party on Thursday night at a gallery. Only an hour before, a guy friend of mine told me he was going to this party with his new girlfriend, someone who I thought Tim had dated last year. I thought I should give Tim the heads-up that this girl might also be at the party, to avoid any awkwardness. Tim started grilling me intensely to find out more information. He was upset that I thought he had dated her. I was under this impression since he took me to a party at Miami Art Basel once just so he could meet up with her. When we were flying back from Miami, we were talking about girls that he was seeing at the time, and he named her. I remember the entire trip vividly.

  Tim wanted to know exactly what I told my friend about this girl. I couldn’t remember the exact wording of the conversation, which upset him. He was pressuring me to remember the conversation verbatim, and it became more and more heated. As he got angrier, I started to withdraw and shut down. This only aggravated him more. I was beginning to feel defeated. I mixed up some small irrelevant detail, and next thing I knew he was calling me a liar. Honesty is one of the most important things to me. I just never lie. Even if I wanted to lie, I’m one of those people who just can’t. You can read it all over my face.

  I tried to step outside of the situation and analyze what was really going on. I think Tim was experiencing anxiety about his past. It was once again coming back to haunt him, and he’s very worried about his reputation now. It’s a defense mechanism. He began displacing the conversation and projecting the “bad guy” feelings onto me.