You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  I was defenseless, since I was trying to both shoot and look cool at the same time, and I went tumbling out of the branches.

  The lizards below watched my descent.

  —I fell right past them.

  I landed headfirst on the ground, a dull crack sounding in my ears.

  “K-Kazuma?! Are you all right?! Aqua! I don’t think Kazuma’s supposed to bend that way! Healing magic, quick…”

  Megumin’s pleading voice rang in my ears as my consciousness dimmed…

  5

  “………”

  “………”

  I stared vacantly ahead—face-to-face with the goddess Eris.

  We were in the same sanctuary-like room I had found myself in after my death at the hands of General Winter.

  I’d arrived there just as suddenly.

  Before me was Eris with her long silver hair and blue eyes, as inhumanly beautiful as the last time I’d seen her.

  This was a real goddess. And she was tapping her lip with a finger, apparently very troubled.

  “…Um, could you try to take a little more care with your life? I bent the rules for you and let you be revived last time, and you wouldn’t believe the trouble I got in… I’m sure your friend, my senior goddess, is going to browbeat me into releasing again, but I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences…”

  “I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say this time. I’m very sorry!”

  I fell out of a tree and died as I was celebrating my victory over the Princess Runner. I had to admit it was a pretty ignominious way to go.

  Eris heaved a deep sigh.

  “I understand there are occupational hazards involved in adventuring work. But…you just weren’t paying enough attention this time…”

  I bowed my head to her.

  I was sure she was right: Aqua would resurrect me soon enough.

  And Eris would have to take the heat again.

  “Umm… What happened to everyone after I died? Are they okay?”

  “Yes, they’re fine. I don’t know what exactly my senior goddess was doing on the ground like that, but the lizards trampled and kicked her until she started to weep for help. Darkness held the enemy off long enough for the herd to break up after the Princess Runner fell. Miss Megumin is safe, too, thanks to Darkness’s protection. My senior is tending to your body now.”

  Thank goodness. At least we succeeded in driving off the lizards.

  I could afford to just hang out here for a while, then.

  I wondered if I’d received a massive blow to the head and lost consciousness immediately, or if I was just used to this by now.

  For someone who had just died, I found myself strangely calm. I scanned my surroundings, taking everything in.

  “…You seem relaxed about your death this time. Usually, people are rather distraught when they come here.”

  “Well, between Japan and this new world, this is my third visit.”

  My eyes swept the room as I spoke to her.

  …It’s really empty.

  Eris silently watched me goggle.

  There wasn’t much to do, and we found ourselves staring at each other.

  …What to do? This is super awkward.

  Stupid Aqua. What’s taking her so long?

  But…

  “Don’t you ever get bored, standing by yourself in an empty room? I don’t know what the population is in your world, but is it enough to keep you busy?”

  Eris’s smile remained in place as she answered. “That’s a good question. I’m responsible for people who lose their lives by monster, so I usually have plenty to do. But in winter, when all the adventurers stay inside, I’m happy to say I have lots of free time. If I’m bored, that means everyone is alive and well. Nothing makes me happier than having time on my hands.”

  My lady Eris smiled wider as she spoke.

  Oh man. This is trouble. My chest is getting tight, and my face is getting hot…

  …Ah. I see. I’d always thought something was missing from my life in this new world.

  Here I lived in a house with three women, but where were the sparks?

  I admit, none of them were exactly bad-looking. And yet…

  I had the self-proclaimed goddess who spent all day napping in front of the fire, eating, and napping again. The stubborn Explosion nut who just turned fourteen the other day who could get me sent to prison. And the “Young Lady” with a great body accompanied by a parentage and proclivities that were nothing but trouble.

  Sheer hotness wasn’t what I truly wanted, you see.

  I wanted a woman with a little sense, someone kind and caring.

  —Yes! Here’s my female lead.

  Or so I was thinking as I stood there red-faced and flustered.

  “But you know, I don’t spend all my time here. Sometimes I get someone to cover for me and go down to have a little fun on the mortal plane… That’s another of our little secrets, okay?”

  She gave me that mischievous wink and laughed.

  S-sure…

  I nodded at her, still blushing.

  Kazuma! Kazuma, can you hear me? I cast Resurrection. You can come back anytime. Just have Eris open a gate for you.

  I heard her, all right. I heard her yet again completely failing to discern that I was having a moment.

  Couldn’t she have given me just a tiny little bit more time?

  I found myself experiencing the exact opposite feeling from a few minutes earlier. I clicked my tongue.

  “I’ll catch up with you in a bit. I want to keep chatting with Milady Eris here. Just keep an eye on my body, okay?” I shouted into thin air.

  I wasn’t sure if she had heard me or not, because there was a moment of silence. Then:

  Huh?! What are you blathering about? Stop being dumb and get back here already so we can raise your level, bump off the Demon King, and get me back to Heaven!

  Aqua’s words dragged me back to reality.

  The Demon King.

  Right. We’d come here to slay him. And here I was, few levels and no power.

  And saddled with a veritable brood of problem children, each with her own unique and frustrating quirks.

  Even if I came back to life, wouldn’t I just spend the rest of it trying to defeat the Demon King with those three?

  Yeah. I saw the reality all too well.

  What was I expecting? That if I worked hard enough, I would suddenly discover some mysterious power within myself and conveniently wipe out the final boss? Not likely.

  If anything, I figured there were plenty more visits to this little room in my future.

  And what would I get for all that work?

  I didn’t answer Aqua but stood there, musing.

  I considered the life—and all its hardships—that most likely waited for me.

  I decided to be reborn and start a new life instead.

  “Hey, Aqua! I’ve decided I’m tired of that life! I’m not coming back. I’m gonna take a do-over as a baby somewhere. Give everyone my best, okay?”

  “What?” Eris yelped with surprise at my words.

  Eventually…

  What is this nonsense?! J-just you wait a second!

  I turned to Eris as Aqua’s voice grew increasingly frantic.

  “You got that? Sorry to trouble you, milady. If it’s possible, could you…make sure I’m a guy in my next life, too? And that I’m born into a house with a gorgeous older stepsister and an adorable younger one?”

  “Hold— I mean— Just— Wait a moment!” Eris was as startled as Aqua.

  Then I heard Aqua’s voice again:

  Kazuma! Darkness says that if you don’t get back here posthaste, she’s going to scribble all over your face! She’s got a marker, and she looks awfully eager…

  A-as if that would change my mind. I mean, I’m dead. What do I care what they do with my body…?

  …? Megumin, what are you doing? Those are Kazuma’s clothes—Megumin?! H-hold on!

  “Hey, quit
it. What are you doing to my body? Don’t you disrespect the dead! I’m gonna give you the haunting of your life!”

  What was she doing to my earthly remains?

  I was mulling it over with mounting anxiety when Aqua cried:

  Megumin! Megumin!! Wai— Kazuma, dear Kazuma! Come quick! Get back here right now!

  “Well, stop her! Aqua, whatever Megumin’s doing, why don’t you stop—? E-Eris, milady, could you open that gate for me? Please!”

  Eris giggled at my panic and snapped her fingers. Before the sound had faded, a white doorway stood before me.

  I got to my feet, ready to dive through it…

  “Now then, Mr. Kazuma, I’ll be praying for you to stay safely in the physical world from now on. Have a nice trip!”

  And I pulled open the door…

  6

  The first thing I saw was Megumin, her face flushed red in apparent anger.

  She was crouched over my prone body, pressing out wrinkles in my shirt at my chest.

  “Hey, what are you doing? Here I thought you were the one sensible person here, other than your name and your fixation on explosions! I’m dead for five minutes, and I find you doing this?”

  Megumin stood without a word about what she had been up to.

  “What? If you have a problem with my name, let me hear it! This is all because of your ridiculous joke about not coming back. The next time you say something so outrageous, I’ll do even worse to you.”

  A ridiculous joke? She’d probably get really pissed if I told her I’d been more than half-serious.

  I got to my feet, too, checking over my body.

  “Seriously, what did you do to me? Is it going to make me embarrassed to ever see you again?”

  I glanced at Darkness, who was covering her face with both hands and blushing up to her ears.

  I looked questioningly at Aqua, who had been crouched there waiting for me to come back to life, but…

  “What, you want me to profane my holy mouth with that? Ask the culprit.”

  And she pointedly turned away from me.

  “Okay, Megumin, tell me already. Otherwise I’m gonna be super awkward around you…”

  “You’ll figure it out when you go home and get in the bath… I’m more worried about your head. Are you all right? Not feeling sick at all?”

  I felt around my head and neck, but everything seemed normal.

  Oh right. I had died by falling out of a tree.

  “Your neck was in awful shape, Kazuma,” Aqua said. “At first I thought you were pretending to be that girl from The Exorcist. It was a serious enough wound; I prescribe avoiding combat for two weeks.”

  I flinched. The Exorcist. Wasn’t that the movie where the girl turned her head around backward? Had I done that?

  Megumin patted me on the shoulder as I clutched at my neck, pale and trembling.

  “You should hurry home and rest for today. Look. Thanks to you, the Lizard Runner herd broke up. Good work. I shall report on their defeat, so you go home.”

  Gee, she was acting awfully nice now. Maybe she was worried that the shock of dying had gotten to me.

  After gratefully accepting her show of kindness, I collected Darkness, who still wouldn’t meet my eyes, and Aqua, who was occupied with comparing her feet with the footprints of the Lizard Runners, and made for our mansion.

  When we got to town, Megumin set off for the Adventurers Guild, and the rest of us headed home.

  “Hey, Kazuma. I was wondering—what made you say such dumb stuff, anyway? You’re living an easy life surrounded by beautiful women. What could possibly make you so unhappy that you wouldn’t want to come back?”

  Darkness nodded vehemently in agreement with Aqua.

  I just looked at them. “…Pfft.”

  ““Hey!””

  They responded to my snort with a chorus of surprise.

  We reached our house, and I was just about to open the door when Aqua started in on me.

  “Hey, don’t you think you haven’t been treating us very well lately? Like today. I worked hard to bring you back to life, even if you didn’t want to come back. So stop treating me like some kid you want to get rid of! You should worship me properly! If we go to Arcanletia, the city of water and hot springs, you’ll see statues of me and branded merchandise and everything! It’s amazing!”

  I wondered what kind of people made branded merchandise based on their pantheon. I didn’t even turn around as I replied, “Idiot, when have I ever treated you like I want to get rid of you? Without you around, who would clean the bathroom? Isn’t that the perfect job for someone who claims to be the goddess of water?”

  “About that! I’m the goddess of water, not toilets! That’s exactly what’s so awful about how you treat me! You should value me more!”

  I just ignored Aqua as she stood there crying and annoying me with her complaints. I entered the house, removing my chest plate right in the foyer.

  Darkness came in, shedding her armor, which was covered in lizard footprints.

  She seemed unable to stop sneaking peeks at my lower body.

  …?

  Mystified, I glanced back at her, and she quickly averted her eyes.

  Of course I wondered what was going on, but I was a little sluggish, having just returned from the dead.

  I wanted to hurry up and get some rest, so I went to take the first bath.

  In the bathing area, I set my hand on the magic-powered heating device and turned it on. I entered the changing room, stripped off my clothes, and…

  …came flying right back out.

  “Where’s Megumin?! Is she back yet?! I hope she doesn’t think I’ll go easy on her just because she’s a kid! I’ll keep Stealing from her until she knows exactly how I feel!”

  “Megumin said when she was done at the Guild she was going to go stay with a friend for a few daaaahh!”

  Darkness, relaxing on the sofa with a magazine, raised her head to find me naked as a jaybird and quickly buried her face back in her reading.

  I still had no idea what her criteria for embarrassment were, but today I didn’t have time to wonder.

  Aqua looked at me, my eyes bloodshot and my teeth clenched, and said, “……Hey, Kazuma. I’m glad you’re so comfortable with yourself, but don’t you think that’s kind of boastful?”

  “Y-you idiot! Megumin wrote this! You were there when she did it! Aww, damn it alllll!”

  I fled back into the bath.

  Half in tears, I scrubbed at the words Megumin had scrawled on my waist: Legendary Sword Excalibur

  Chapter 2

  May There Be an Invitation for This Brazen Layabout!

  1

  I sat on the sofa as a meek-looking Megumin pleaded with me.

  “I apologize for the other day, so please, go back to being your usual self, Kazuma!”

  She bowed her head, kneeling formally on the carpet. I was sprawled on the couch wearing a fuzzy robe.

  We had been like this ever since Megumin had returned from her friend’s place.

  The other day…?

  Oh, she means when she scrawled all over my parts.

  “Such a minor thing wouldn’t trouble me anymore. They say the rich don’t bother to fight. Won’t you have some tea, Megumin? We’ve got some very high-quality leaves.”

  I smiled at her as I spoke.

  Megumin appeared ready to burst into tears, perhaps overcome by my show of magnanimousness.

  “I am so sorry, truly! I was wrong—so please return to the Kazuma I know! This performance is disgusting! Please! I beg you!!”

  “What’s all this nonsense about going back to my usual self? I’ve always been this way.”

  I smirked, basking in the heat of the fire. Aqua held out a teacup to me with an elegant gesture.

  “I made a cup of the finest black tea, Kazuma, my friend,” she said, cradling her own cup as she sat down beside me.

  I took a sip of the fresh tea…

  “…This is just h
ot water.”

  “Oh my. What a silly thing I’ve done. I’m sorry, dear Kazuma.”

  “No worries. You can just try again. Thank you, Aqua. I’m happy with this.”

  “What is wrong with you?! What happened while I was out of the house?! I am begging you! Will you both not return to your right minds?!”

  I instructed Megumin to calm down as Aqua went to make more tea.

  She must have accidentally turned the tea into plain water while she was preparing it.

  But I was feeling as beatific as the Buddha and was hardly going to get upset over something like that.

  Darkness beckoned Megumin, who was now utterly confused.

  The Arch-wizard approached with a weary expression, and Darkness proceeded to explain the events of the last several days…

  2

  It was the morning of the day after Megumin had made her escape.

  “Curse that jailbait scum! The minute she shows her face around here again, I’ll skin her alive! I swear I will! I’ll make that self-righteous squirt beg for mercy!”

  I was hopping mad. Darkness, her face flushing slightly, said, “I-if you do that, Kazuma, the cycle will just continue. But, uh, tell me more about how you plan to make her beg for mercy…”

  We were in the living room. I was doing all my shouting from under the kotatsu, while Darkness sat next to me, hugging her knees and inquiring with great interest.

  From her place in front of the fire, Aqua said to us, “It’s too early for all this noise. Gosh, all you ever do is fight. You should learn to be a bit mellower, like me. Except for my bath, I haven’t moved from this spot since we got home yesterday.”

  “Yeah! You’ve eaten there, you’ve slept there—that’s not what I would call mellow. More like lazy! Damn it alllll! Once that stuff dried, it was almost impossible to get off! I’ll never forgive her! I can see her weeping, pleading face now!”

  “So, uh, tell me more about this weeping and pleading…”

  In the middle of all this, we heard a knock at the door.

  “Megumin?! Is that you? Have you come crawling back?!”

  “Tell… Tell me more…”