You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  I crawled out from under the kotatsu and stormed toward the door.

  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did you think I was a strange-minded girl of the Crimson Magic Clan? I am sorry to disappoint, but it is I! My dear shopkeeper is brilliant enough to know that she herself has no idea how to tell a winning innovation from a pile of rubbish, so she has enlisted me, a demon with highly regarded powers of discernment, to come and talk business on her behalf. Good fortune will come if you fall on your face in joy and gratitude for my visit! Now, show me what it is you intend to display at our shop! …Hrm?”

  A suspicious-looking masked demon greeted me.

  Aqua rose unsteadily off the couch at the sight of him.

  “Hey, hold on. How’d you get in here? I put a holy barrier around this house exactly so slime like you couldn’t get anywhere near us!”

  “Ah, that bothersome trifle? Was that supposed to be a barrier? It was so weak, I assumed some novice priest put it up mistakenly. Oh, and please pardon me. It seems I shattered it merely by passing through it.”

  Aqua was now standing smack in front of Vanir.

  “Goodness gracious, did you know parts of your body are missing here and there, O powerful demon? And here I’d heard that you were the Duke of Hell or something. Surely such an exalted personage wouldn’t be reduced to such a state just because of my paltry barrier.”

  With an innocent smile, she began to poke interestedly at the damaged bits of Vanir’s form.

  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, this body is simply a bit of earth. I have plenty more where this came from. I was just curious about that veil around this house. For the work of a village neophyte, I’d say it wasn’t bad. A human! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

  Vanir laughed merrily, but Aqua furrowed her brow in anger and got up in his face like some two-bit gangster trying to be intimidating. Vanir stared evenly back at her.

  “H-hey, this looks bad. Darkness, help me break these two up…! …What are you doing over there? Why are you ignoring me?”

  “…No reason.”

  Maybe she was sulking because I had ignored whatever she was trying to ask me earlier.

  Darkness was sitting in the kotatsu with her back to me, paying no attention to the commotion at the door.

  “Hey, you two. I know you want to fight, but we’re indoors here. Take it easy.” With no other options, I tried to worm in between them. At least they each took a step back.

  “Hey, Kazuma. I don’t really get what’s going on here, but is that kotatsu or whatever the thing you’re going to sell? Don’t tell me you’re going to do business with this slime! Are you seriously going to sign a contract with this parasite on mankind, this insect who feeds off negative emotions and only ever thinks about how to upset the humans around him so he can steal their souls? What an awful joke! Pfft-hee-hee-hee!”

  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, we demons find contracts an annoyance. We prefer to work on the basis of trust. And not the kind practiced by those deceitful groups who attract the gullible with talk of ‘just trusting God’ and then take all their money in the form of ‘tithes.’ What was that pitch, again…? Oh yes: God is always watching over you, wasn’t that it? You know, I think I saw that in practice just the other day. That man they arrested for ‘watching over’ baths and toilets a little too closely—was he God? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

  Both of them laughed uproariously, and then…

  ““………””

  …suddenly fell silent.

  “Sacred Exorcism!”

  “Brilliantly dodged!”

  At Aqua’s shout, a pillar of light appeared at Vanir’s feet, but he immediately tossed his mask aside. The light swallowed and destroyed his former body, but his true form, the mask, neatly avoided the demon-quelling magic.

  Another body bubbled up under the mask right away, despite the fact that it had landed on the carpet.

  Aqua launched herself not at the developing body, but at the mask, and tried to rip it off the body’s face. “Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! So this is it! This is your true form, right?! I’ve got you now! There’s no getting away! The only question is what to do with you!”

  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha, even if you destroyed this mask, there would soon be another and another for me! H-hey, stop trying to take my mask off while I’m talking! My mouth will disappear along with the rest of me! At least wait until I’m done trying to…”

  “Okay, enough already. Calm down, you guys.” I stepped once more between Aqua, who was gleefully trying to tear off the mask, and Vanir, who was less than gleefully trying to fight back.

  Vanir was sitting on the carpet and inspecting several of the items I’d made.

  “Mm. It seems my judgment of you was correct, boy. These are quite marketable. I’m sure they will sell. And this—kotatsu, did you call it? What a fine way to stay warm.”

  “…” Darkness, sitting under said device, slapped away Vanir’s hand as it explored the blanket covering the table.

  I still didn’t know what she was pouting about, but I hoped she wouldn’t interfere with business.

  “All right then, let’s talk terms. Currently, our agreement is that we will pay you one tenth of the profits on the items each month. But perhaps you would be interested in selling the actual intellectual property rights to these devices, boy? I would give you…three hundred million eris for all of them together.”

  “““Three hundred million?””” we all exclaimed in unison. Vanir was eyeing with particular interest a rubber object I’d produced.

  Three hundred million…! That was enough money to never have to work another day in your life, assuming you didn’t overindulge.

  Before we had recovered from our shock, Vanir kept talking.

  “Or you could take the monthly profits. Either is fine with me. With something like this, I think as soon as we can set up a means of production, we’ll be looking at more than a hundred thousand eris in sales every month. We can wait to settle the details until we’re ready to sell it… Incidentally, what is it for?”

  A hundred thousand a month, or three hundred million in a lump sum.

  Uh-oh. I was about to start playing the game of life on easy mode.

  There were no guarantees it would keep selling forever, so maybe I should just take the lump sum?

  Or, no, maybe I should take the monthly amount. Then I wouldn’t have to worry if my savings started to dwindle.

  But now that I thought about it, it was this demon who was going to do the selling. Couldn’t he get arrested wandering around town in that mask?

  “It’s called a balloon. It’s a toy that expands when you fill it with air. Give it here.”

  Aqua took the rubber object from Vanir and began to blow it up.

  “Ooh, let me have one.” Even Darkness showed an interest, putting one of the balloons to her lips.

  …I guess it was too late to tell them that it was for contraception, and that it had been awfully hard to make it thin but durable.

  “A-anyway, are you going to walk around town like that? Don’t you think someone’s going to notice you? Someone might be like, ‘It’s the Demon King’s general!’ and attack you.”

  “? What nonsense is this? This is not the mask I had before. Can you not see the glowing numeral II on it?”

  What about it?

  I was going to argue with him, but Darkness gestured me over.

  “Kazuma. That demon may have a deeply flawed personality, but he’s not the type to kill humans. He’s not even helping to maintain the barrier around the Demon King’s castle anymore, so the higher-ups at the Adventurers Guild just want to keep an eye on him. He’s staying at Wiz’s shop, and she used to be a famous adventurer. I’m sure she could handle him if anything came up,” she whispered to me as I worked my way under the kotatsu.

  I got it. As long as he wasn’t causing any serious trouble, they figured that rather than antagonize him, it was smarter just to leave him alone.

  However outrageous he might be, this demon was still
a former general of the Demon King’s army. There was no telling how much destruction he could cause if he got it into his head to turn hostile.

  “So from a bureaucratic perspective, the Demon King’s general Vanir is defeated and gone. They won’t even ask us to return the reward.”

  Well, I was glad to hear that.

  I would hate to get mired in debt again just when I was on the cusp of becoming a rich man.

  …You know, it’d be great if you could give me your serious explanation without playing with a condom like a balloon.

  “Mm. It will take some time until we’re ready to sell. You can let us know which form of payment you prefer later. Now, I am worried about the shop, so I must be going.”

  “I think you should. Or my pure, holy house is going to stink of demon. Get out of here. Go on, get!”

  Vanir left, grinding his teeth, with Aqua making shooing motions behind him.

  —Man, a hundred thousand a month or three hundred million at once…

  3

  “…And they’ve been like this ever since.”

  “I see. Now I understand why they are putting on such airs,” Megumin said, glancing at me as Darkness concluded her explanation.

  Incidentally, my beloved kotatsu had gone with Vanir.

  I had expected to go back to fighting with Aqua for a place in front of the fire, but apparently, a fat wallet makes for a big heart.

  Aqua and I were both seated on the sofa together, perfectly friendly. Megumin eyed us for a moment with some exasperation and then finally stood.

  “Well, I’m certainly glad we have money. And that we can rest assured that we will have no trouble with resources in the future… Very well, let us go defeat something! Kazuma, you have more levels to gain!”

  She lifted her staff high and smiled brightly.

  “Huh? What are you talking about? I just got a huge windfall, and you think now I should work? Forget my level. Who needs it?” I said curtly as I sipped the second cup of water Aqua had brought me.

  …You know, it would be nice if one of these cups contained actual tea at some point.

  “…Wha…?”

  Megumin seemed put out.

  “Look,” I said, “last time, we had equipment, we had a plan, and I still wound up dead. I’ve decided. No more defeating anything for me. I’m going to make my living as a merchant from now on. I’ll have a nice, easy life with no dangerous adventuring work.”

  “Umm, Kazuma…friend, I’m kind of with Megumin on this one. Don’t we have to get rid of the Demon King?”

  …Hmm.

  “Then let’s earn even more money and hire a bunch of powerful adventurers. They can help me raise my level and even lend a hand in taking out the Demon King. That’s the strategy. We attack the Demon King’s castle with an army of high-level adventurers. What do you think? Can’t you just taste it?”

  “That’s perfect! You’re full of good ideas. We’ll ride those adventurers’ coattails right to the gates of the Demon King’s castle, then when he’s weakened, you can strike the final blow!”

  “Exactly. It’s obvious you’ve known me longer than anyone else here—you know just how I think.”

  As Aqua and I sat there grinning at each other, Megumin was visibly trembling.

  “Y-you would defeat the Demon King with the power of money? No! I will not have it! What do you think the Demon King represents? He is a great and terrible enemy whom you confront with your friends after pouring your heart and soul into raising your level to discover the power hidden within yourself or whatever, and whom you finally defeat in a climactic ultimate battle! And you would send hired thugs after him?!”

  “Look, that sounds great and all, but be realistic. You really think it would help to raise my level? I’m pretty sure I could get all the levels I wanted, along with lots of nice equipment, and His Majesty could still snuff me out in a single attack. So instead, once we’ve taken care of enough of his generals to bring down the barrier around the castle, we get some high-level Thieves to sneak in with Ambush…”

  “What an untoward tactic! Worthy of the enemy himself! Darkness, say something to them! They get worse and worse every d— Darkness?”

  Darkness seemed to come back to herself with a start.

  “Oh, I…I was just wondering, if you let Kazuma just go on getting more and more corrupt, just how scummy do you think he’d become…? He’d never work, just sit around drinking, and pretty soon he’d become profligate with his money… Eventually, he’d say to me, ‘Hey, Darkness! Go do whatever you have to do to get us some money!’ And then I’d start selling myself, convinced that one day Kazuma would have a change of heart…”

  “You are getting worse, too! Oh, what am I to do?!”

  “Don’t lump me in with that perv, Megumin. You might remember I just died recently. Lizard Runners? Broken neck? At least leave me alone until I’ve recuperated a bit.”

  “You fell out of a tree. Yes, you need rest, but I fixed you up so well that there shouldn’t be a scar or any pain,” Aqua interjected from beside me. I ignored her, pointedly rubbing my neck.

  “…I understand,” Megumin muttered, looking down.

  “You do? Great. In that case, I’m going to go take a nap—try to help this injury heal and get back to the field of battle, you know? Oh, and could somebody wake me up later? I’m going out with Dust and the guys for a drink.”

  I started making for my room even as I spoke.

  “…I understand. Let us go to heal your wound,” Megumin said, still staring at the floor.

  “Go to heal it? It’ll be fine if I just hang around here for a while.”

  “A good bath will bring your strength back even quicker. Let us go to Arcanletia, the city of water and hot springs.”

  “You know what, forget my injuries. What did you just say?”

  I was sure I had just heard her say something like hot springs.

  Let me stress how important this was.

  I had just heard the words hot springs.

  “Hot springs?! Did you just say Arcanletia? Did you say we’re going to Arcanletia, the city of water and hot springs?!”

  Aqua seemed even more excited than I was.

  I guess it only made sense. She did claim to be the goddess of water.

  And speaking of hot springs…

  Speaking of hot springs…

  “H-hot springs… You’re right. We’re all tired after so many difficult battles. And we’re not in debt anymore, so why not treat ourselves sometimes?”

  “What’s with the monotone, dear Kazuma?” Aqua was staring at me from inches away, my face illuminated by the fire.

  I wish she would stop looking at me so intently and from such a short distance.

  Suddenly, I thought I could sense Megumin’s downcast eyes gleaming.

  “May I take it the two of you agree with this plan, then?”

  I couldn’t see her expression, but I thought I could catch a hint of a sinister smile…

  “And Darkness…?”

  “—And when I’ve finally fallen as low as I can go, I’ll say, ‘Don’t leave me! I—I will do anything, Masterrrrr!’”

  She was completely lost in her own little world, blushing furiously and writhing around. Megumin stiffened.

  “…She could stay here and watch the house,” I said.

  “…W-well, but without Darkness, we may get in trouble on the road,” Megumin said with a hint of reluctance.

  On the road…?

  4

  The next morning:

  “Rise and shine! Come on, how late are you gonna sleep?! Is everyone ready to go? Wake up! Wake up! Come on!”

  Aqua’s shouting reached every corner of the house despite the early hour. She must have been awfully excited about our trip to roll out of bed this early.

  As for me…

  “Of course I’m ready! Gosh, and those two call me human trash. Are they ever going to get up?”

  “Totally! I’ll go get them
up and at ’em. You go to the carriage station and reserve the best seats.”

  “I’m on it. Actually, there’s somewhere else I’d like to drop by first…”

  Trusting a slightly puzzled Aqua to wake the others, I gathered up our bags and left the house.

  Arcanletia, the water and hot-springs capital.

  It was about a day and a half’s carriage ride from Axel Town. If you got the first carriage out in the morning, you’d only have to camp once.

  We didn’t know yet how long we were going to be gone, and I wanted to let my business partners know we would be out of town.

  I went in the door of the cozy little magic item shop, which opened early each morning.

  “Welcome to— My, my. It’s the nocturnal boy who keeps the waking hours of the undead. What brings you here so early? If you’ve come to talk to the owner, she is within, albeit a bit tanned by my heat ray.”

  Inside the shop, Vanir was hastily stuffing something into a box. Farther in, I could see a scorched Wiz lying on the ground.

  “…Isn’t she your employer? Can you get away with that?”

  “Naturally. If I let this know-nothing owner do as she liked, we would be stuck in the red even after a thousand years of work from me. As soon as I take my eyes off her, she’s ordering absurd stock that throws off all my profit calculations.”

  I was exceedingly curious about what had happened, but my business today was not with Wiz but with Vanir.

  “I’ve actually come to see you today. I’ve decided to go on a little hot-springs vacation. Can our business discussions go on hold until I get back?”

  “Oh, I see. We still don’t have a plan in place for production, so please, take your time. Best wishes that you’ll get to enjoy a mixed bath.”

  “M-m-m-mixed bath?! No way! We’re just going for my health—to help my neck! …Anyway, what are you putting in that box? And why is Wiz all…charred?”

  Vanir showed me what he was trying to pack away.

  “Our half-baked proprietor brought this to me in a tizzy just moments ago. As I recall, her exact words were: ‘This is a wonderful item! It will sell for sure! No question! So, Mr. Vanir, please get out of your death-ray stance… Please…?’ I was going to simply send it back, but…do you want it?”