You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “I’ll help, too!” Wiz called, following us out.

  “Vanir trusted me to take care of you,” I said. “I know how strong you are, but stay in the carriage for now. Look after the driver!”

  Wiz nodded. The coachman, who didn’t fully grasp what was going on, shouted, “Sir! We didn’t take you on as bodyguards—you paid to come along, so please simply wait somewhere safe!”

  I’m sorry, man! I’m pretty sure my party is the cause of this problem!

  Not that he could hear my mental apology.

  “Adventurers! Come to our aid!”

  His voice signaled the adventurers guarding the caravan to leap out of every carriage, weapons in hand.

  Darkness began walking straight toward the flock of Dashing Hawkites that were charging us.

  I’m embarrassed to say I was making sure to stay safely behind her.

  Even if I’d been out front, those monsters would have run right over me.

  I had Aqua chanting support magic and Megumin ready to let off Explosion at any time.

  The birds coming at us had heads like hawks and bodies like ostriches. They ran faster than a horse and were larger than a cow.

  And they showed no sign of slowing down.

  “Hey you, Crusader! You’re not part of the defense—fall back!” one of the warriors called.

  But Darkness kept advancing.

  “Look! They’re heading straight for her! That’s the Decoy skill! That Crusader isn’t even one of the hired guards, but she’s using Decoy to draw the enemy to her!”

  That was one of the archers speaking.

  No, actually, she’s not using any skill. I’m sorry.

  “Wow, that Crusader’s not budging a step even with all those enemies coming at her! S-so cool…! So… So brave…!”

  This came from a female spell-caster.

  I’m sorry. I suspect you’ve totally misunderstood why she’s doing this. I’m so sorry.

  As Darkness stood there, blushing and trembling, an adventurer who looked like a Thief boldly came running up behind her with a rope.

  “Do you think we can let a regular passenger, someone who paid money to ride with us and isn’t even getting a bodyguard fee, put herself in danger on our behalf?! Leave the fighting to us! Take this—Bind!”

  “What?!”

  Darkness reacted instantly to the words.

  I recalled Chris telling me about this skill. Bind was a Thief ability. Chris said when she and Darkness had adventured together, she would use this skill on an enemy to keep it from moving, and then Darkness would finish it off.

  That explained it.

  Hearing the name of the skill, Darkness reacted with speed I’d never seen before from her.

  Into the path of the Dashing Hawkites— No, into the path of the Bind skill, as if to protect the oncoming monsters…

  Darkness joyfully hurled herself between the man and his target.

  She was instantly bound hand and foot by the rope and fell to the ground, where she rolled about like some kind of giant worm.

  The thief stared dumbly at her. Blushing, Darkness shouted passionately at him:

  “Hrrgh! What is this?! To be captured and bound with the enemy before my very eyes! Now… Now I am sure to be trampled by all those monsters!”

  I’m sorry. I am so sorry for our resident pervert.

  The monsters raising the cloud of dust kept right on coming at Darkness.

  The Thief guy raised a shout.

  “I don’t believe it! You were afraid that the flock would target me when I used Bind on them—so you took the hit instead?! I am so sorry! Here I was trying to defend you, and instead I just got in the way! Please forgive me!”

  No, I’m sorry! I’m sorry for my party members! I’m the one who should be begging for forgiveness!

  7

  —A game of chicken.

  It’s where you make a mad dash at a cliff or some other life-threatening object and stop only at the last possible second.

  Right now, the object of that game…

  “Kazuma! Kazuma, they are upon me! They’ve come! Now I’m really done for! It’s hopeless! Oh, I shall be traaampled!”

  …was Darkness, bound hand and foot.

  The Dashing Hawkites advanced with their heads lowered, charging Darkness as she writhed on the ground, just about to stampede over her…except they didn’t. One did a sort of elegant high-speed backflip over her and then continued on at its furious pace.

  The creature moved past me and the other adventurers as easily as the wind itself.

  The next one almost ran over her, too, but then it did a forward flip. The next one, a kind of midair split, and the one after that, a barrel roll—each of them leaping over Darkness the instant before they would have made contact.

  “Kazuma! Is this some kind of panic play?! This feeling, this last-instant reprieve…! Oh, these males are leaping over my head with such passion…!”

  “Will you put a sock in it?! We’re in public here!”

  Next to me, Aqua had puffed out her chest with a triumphant expression that all but begged for compliments.

  “Yeah, fine, nice work,” I said. “When we’re done here, I’ll switch seats with you.”

  That evoked a fist pump from Aqua.

  I had had her cast Blessing on Darkness—a buff that temporarily raises the target’s Luck. It would make her chances of not getting stepped on just a little bit better.

  While we had been standing there, the adventurer guards had set to work.

  “They’re too fast for physical attacks! Use magic!”

  This prompted a chorus from the spell-casters:

  “Lightning!”

  “Blade of Wind!”

  “Fireball!”

  They flung every spell they had at the onrushing monsters.

  The creatures that took the magical blows lost consciousness but none of their speed, slamming into carriages and adventurers. Their tremendous velocity meant they were carrying plenty of momentum, and it was going to be hard to stop them.

  The people and vehicles that fell victim to the hurtling Hawkites sustained serious damage.

  The surviving members of the flock, having all jumped over Darkness, made a sweeping arc without slowing down.

  The merchants and adventurers watching them looked shaken: Were they coming back this way?

  But I was watching Darkness, still flopping on the ground and still the monsters’ target.

  And then I got an idea.

  I grabbed hold of the driver, who was watching the scene, dumbfounded.

  “Hey, mister, are there any cliffs or anything around here?”

  We could use Darkness as bait to get the flock to destroy itself.

  We would get Darkness right to the edge of the cliff, using a rope or something so she wouldn’t fall. Then the Hawkites that jumped over her would find nothing but thin air underneath them…!

  “No, nothing quite like that around here… What we do have is a cave you can take shelter in when there’s a sudden rainstorm, but not much else.”

  Well, I thought, listening to him. Guess you can’t always have such a convenient solu—

  A cave?

  “Mister, is that cave nearby?! Please get this carriage over to it! Megumin, Aqua, jump on!”

  After I’d given these orders, I ran toward Darkness. I started trying to undo the rope around her…

  “?! What the hell?! There’s no knot! What am I supposed to do with this?!”

  There was no way to untie her!

  I turned to the guy who had used Bind on Darkness.

  “I-I’m sorry!” he said. “That skill keeps the target from moving for as long as it lasts. The only other choice is to cut the cords one by one with a dagger or something…”

  You’ve got to be kidding.

  When I turned back to the flock of Hawkites, I found the lead bird almost on top of us. We were out of time!

  “Kazuma, I don’t know what you’re planni
ng, but just drag me along! This rope’s tough; it would take forever to cut through it! Don’t just stand there—do what you have to do!”

  “You’re not wrong, but since this is all your fault, I wish you’d shut up!”

  The carriage was ready to go, and I headed toward it, dragging Darkness (who was awfully heavy) behind me.

  “The Dashing Hawkites are coming for you!” someone warned me.

  At the same moment, I heard a series of magical blasts.

  With the sound still ringing in my ears, I tried to climb aboard…

  “What am I supposed to do now? I can’t get in; you’re too heavy!”

  “What do you mean, I’m too heavy?! Have a care—say my armor is too heavy! Just tie me to the carriage with the rope or something! We’ve got no choice; this is an emergency! Come on, just do it!” she insisted, looking awfully fired up about this. We should call her Dorkness.

  “Hey, if you need some rope, use this! Sorry for all the trouble!”

  It was the adventurer who had used Bind on Darkness, throwing a length of rope to me.

  I’m the one who should apologize…for our pervert.

  I tied Darkness to the carriage…

  “Sir, we can’t take any more! The carriage will break!” the driver said with a hint of panic.

  “Don’t worry!” I shouted back. “Just go! Darkness, if it gets too rough back there, just shout! I’ll untie you in a hurry!”

  Darkness already seemed oblivious to my words, blushing as she struggled against the ropes, apparently in anticipation of what was about to happen to her.

  “Ahh… The horse is going to drag me along…! And those starving males are going to chase me…!”

  She might actually be happier if I just leave her tied up.

  The carriage set off at a furious pace, with Darkness relishing her ride behind it.

  “Kazuma, Darkness is—! I always knew you were a monster, but this is beyond the pale!”

  “It… It is too much…”

  “No! This wasn’t my idea! Darkness said…!”

  As I sat there in the carriage, enduring the slander of my friends, the driver gave a shout.

  “What should we do, sir?! They’re coming this way! Right for us! Where should we turn?!”

  I suspected he would have been happy to throw us out right then and there, but he had already taken our money and couldn’t very well get rid of us now.

  “To the cave! Head for that cave we talked about earlier!”

  The Dashing Hawkites drew closer and closer behind the fleeing carriage.

  They were faster than we were. Damn. At this rate, they’ll catch us…!

  “Bottomless Swamp!” A clear voice rang out in the carriage.

  At the same moment, a huge swamp appeared between our ride and the oncoming monsters.

  The bird at the head of the flock was immediately ensnared and began sinking in the mire.

  The owner of the voice was Wiz.

  Seeing that we were going to be overtaken, she had wasted no time in casting a spell.

  But the rest of the monsters were taking a detour around the morass and setting to catch up again.

  The Dashing Hawkites were almost upon us, and as for their target, Darkness…

  “Nnggahh! Gods! My armor groans! All that covers me is about to shatter, leaving me in a state unfit for a daughter of nobility…! S-stop! Kazuma, don’t look at me—I don’t want you to see me debased like this!”

  For someone burning red and begging not to be looked at, she sure was enjoying herself.

  Once in a while, she found the time to glance back at us, and our collective stare only served to inflame her further.

  Well, that was who she really was deep down.

  Whatever happened to my cool party member who had been ready to sacrifice herself to take down Vanir?

  “Heal! Heal!”

  Next to me, Aqua was frantically casting recovery magic on Darkness.

  “Kazuma! I can see the cave! I am prepared to use my magic at any time!”

  “Perfect! Wait for my signal!”

  Inside the rattling carriage, I gave Megumin her instructions, then pulled out my bow and readied an arrow…

  “Driver, you see the cave? Stop the carriage right next to it! Aqua, give me a physical strength buff! …Hrk! Deadeye! Deadeye! Deadeye!”

  I turned toward the flock of Dashing Hawkites, leaned out the window, and fired as fast as I could.

  Thanks to the skill I was using, most of my shots found their marks, piercing the birds through the head.

  Seeing their companions fall, the surviving Hawkites spread their wings and threatened us with high-pitched cries even as they ran.

  “Piiiihyororororororo!”

  So that was the “kite” part of “Dashing Hawkite.”

  While I was feeling rather pleased at having solved this mystery, the coachman gave a shout.

  “Sir, we’ve reached the cave! In dry conditions like this, I guarantee there won’t be anyone in there! Do whatever you want to it! …We’re going to make a sudden stop—hang on tight!”

  Everyone grabbed hold of whatever they could, and the carriage came to a screeching halt just outside the entrance to the cave.

  The flock of Hawkites was right behind us.

  And unlike us, they made no effort to stop. If anything, they had picked up speed in their anger at being attacked.

  —With my physical strength enhanced by Aqua’s spell, I jumped out of the carriage, grabbed the rope connecting it to Darkness, swung her around my head as if I were winding up for a hammer throw, and then flung her just in front of the cave.

  “Whaaa…?! Not bad! I like where this is going! Leave it to you, Kazuma, to think of something like spinning me around and then hurling me to the mons— Hrk!”

  She landed face-first in the dirt at the cave entrance and went quiet.

  At the exact same moment…

  “Piiihyorororo!”

  The Dashing Hawkites zoomed straight toward her, screeching all the while.

  They lowered their heads until they were practically on the ground, then dodged inches before they collided with Darkness.

  Front flip, backflip. Barrel roll, split.

  One after another, they leaped over her, as if of one mind. Straight into the cave.

  And at the moment the last one had disappeared into the entrance…

  “Megumin! Do it!”

  I yanked on Darkness’s rope to get her away from the cave as I gave the signal to Megumin, who was all chanted up and ready to go.

  “Explosion!!”

  She loosed her ultimate attack directly into the cave.

  A single ray of light flew from her staff, lancing into the darkness as if chasing the monsters that had run into it.

  We heard a rumble well up from deep inside.

  8

  Long after the sun had sunk into the horizon…

  Together with the members of the merchant caravan, we had made several large bonfires that served as our campfires.

  The carriages were circled up around the fires like a barricade. Not only did this serve as a windbreak while we all camped, but if any monsters should attack, it would give us a modicum of defense, too.

  The trade-off was that it wouldn’t be easy to get the carriages moving quickly, but that was next to impossible in this darkness, anyway. From that perspective, it was a very practical setup.

  “Now, help yourselves! We’ve roasted all the best parts—dig in!”

  The acting leader of the merchant contingent offered us some well-cooked meat.

  As the ones who had helped deal with the Dashing Hawkites that afternoon, we were being hailed as heroes.

  I figured this was no time to tell them it was our Crusader who had attracted the creatures in the first place. We felt guilty about that, and it led to a little reluctance on our part to engage in the festivities.

  “What a display! Who knew there was a mage powerful enough to wield Ex
plosion among our number? Not to mention a venerable Arch-priest capable of healing such grave wounds so easily and a gallant Crusader who could face down a flock of Dashing Hawkites without giving an inch! Delaying them with a swamp spell—that’s advanced magic! And you, sir—leading them to that cave to dispose of them was a stroke of genius! Truly brilliant!”

  Aww, gimme a break…

  It’s not what you think… It’s all our fault…

  “Oh, hardly. It was just luck. Really, I keep telling you, we don’t need any reward for guarding the caravan…”

  “How can you say that? Your party was almost entirely responsible for saving us from the Dashing Hawkites!”

  That’s right. They wanted to give us a reward for protecting them.

  “No, no, really, no. It’s really all right! Any adventurer would have jumped in to help in that situation. We don’t need it! Seriously!”

  I started to get a little panicked as I tried to convince them to drop the subject.

  Even I didn’t have the nerve to proudly accept a reward for solving a problem I had caused.

  But for some reason, the leader of the caravan was absolutely transported with emotion.

  “You precious people! You shining specimens of humanity! Oh, to know that in this bitter, cynical world, there are still purehearted adventurers like you!”

  …Yeah. Great.

  I think I’d better get out of this conversation before he discovers the truth.

  Aqua was going around to the other campfires, doing her party tricks and receiving applause and wine in return.

  For some reason she even had Wiz with her, dragging her around from one place to the next.

  After I’d set her in front of the cave as bait, Darkness had been blown backward by the gust from the explosion, leaving her armor riddled with scratches and dents.

  She herself had hardly been injured, and what minor scrapes she got, Aqua had already healed.

  Now she was next to me, fixedly watching someone repair her armor.

  And the one doing that work was me.

  I hadn’t expected the smithing skill I picked up for R&D to come in so handy.

  Megumin was observing me just as closely as Darkness while I worked. I had no idea what about this was so interesting to them.

  To repair the dents, I temporarily removed the shock-absorbing material on the inside of the armor, pounded out the deformities from the inside, then used sandpaper to polish away any scuffs. When all that was done, I laced the cushioning back in…