You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  She sighed deeply. I was pretty sure she was just poking fun, but her words somehow had a ring of truth.

  “All right. I’m going to get out now… Oh, and…you might not want to spend too much time in the city’s hot springs right about now.”

  I didn’t quite understand what she was talking about, but she started to stand up…

  “…Ahem… If you could…not stare too hard while I’m getting out of the bath… It’s a most vulnerable moment…”

  “Of course.”

  After my prompt answer, she seemed about to cry.

  Well, nothing for it.

  I turned my back and heard her murmur “Thank you.” Then she muttered, “Ah… Here I finally find a nice hot-springs town. And now I have to find a new place to rejuvenate myself in the baths.”

  That sounded important. But she was already leaving.

  Alone in the bath now, I thought back over what the pair had said.

  “That awful sect is done for.”

  And the girl had warned me, “You might not want to spend too much time in the city’s hot springs right about now.”

  I had no idea why she’d said that, but I sensed she had done so with good intentions.

  Did this mean they were plotting something for this town, the heart of the Axis Church?

  Now that I knew about it, I was probably obligated to do something, but to be honest, it was hard to want to. I was so over getting sucked into crazy shenanigans.

  …Right. I was here on vacation. I would just pretend I didn’t know anything…

  Just as I was busy ignoring reality, I heard it.

  “Oh-ho! The bath at our mansion is nothing to sneeze at, but this is what you’d expect from a top-class hotel! You could practically swim in it!”

  “Megumin, swimming in the bath is bad manners… Hey, what are you doing?! Why are you taking your towel…? Oh!”

  “What are you so embarrassed about? It’s just us girls. Are we not stalwart adventurers? Who are we to be so dainty and easily flustered?”

  “That makes no sense! You’re too mannish, Megumin! Oh, my towel—!”

  I heard two very familiar voices from the women’s bath.

  Apparently, Megumin and Darkness had removed their towels.

  I wanted to encourage them to keep it up, but I couldn’t even see them—I would just have to use my imagination.

  I casually waded over so I was closer to the women’s bath. It was separated from the mixed bath by a wall that didn’t quite reach the ceiling. If I piled up some washbasins and stood on my tiptoes on top of them, I might just be able to see over.

  But I was far too much of a gentleman to do anything like that.

  In comic books, that sort of thing ends with a shriek and a washbasin to the head, maybe a punch. But only in comic books.

  This was reality, and trying to peek into the other bath would get the cops called on me, no question.

  There came a sploosh of people getting into the water from just beyond the wall.

  “Phew,” said Megumin. “Having a soak in a hot spring once in a while isn’t bad. Normally, I would not mind taking that stinky Kazuma outside and hunting the undead that Aqua always manages to find no matter where we go, but this was absolutely the right place for a getaway.”

  What did she just say…?!

  “Is that why you recommended relaxing at the baths?” Darkness replied. “Well, I guess even if we’d stayed in town, we never would have gotten him to go out hunting. What is with that guy, anyway? Just when I’m sure he’s a quivering coward, he shows a force of personality that would put most nobles to shame… He can’t hold his ground against a Giant Toad, but he’ll face down a general of the Demon King’s army. He’s so weird—or maybe he just doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Shh! Darkness, hold on before you say anything else. The mixed bath is next door. If Kazuma had the choice between the men’s bath and the mixed bath, which do you think he’d pick?”

  “I see your point. He may be a timid screwup, but with an opportunity like this, he’d march right into the mixed bath.”

  Just wait till I get my hands on them.

  Then again, nothing they had said was untrue. And I was in the mixed bath at that very moment.

  Megumin and Darkness presumably had no idea of the conflict within me as they raised their voices.

  “Kazumaaaa! We know you’re in there! You’ve probably got your ear up against the wall right now, panting and trying to picture what part Darkness is going to wash first.”

  “M-Megumin! Why’d you have to make me the center of…! Hey, Kazuma, you’re there, aren’t you? I know you are!”

  They could say whatever they wanted. I didn’t have to let them know I was there.

  It didn’t even bother me that they’d read me like a book.

  …Really, it didn’t…

  I stayed silent for a while, and finally, I heard whispers.

  “That’s strange. Could he not be there? Surely…”

  “Hrm. But there’s no answer at all…”

  Still I didn’t say a word. And then:

  “It appears he really is not there. I suppose I misjudged him. I will treat him to some juice or something later.”

  “I guess it was a little rude of us. We shouldn’t have judged him like that.”

  I could hear them quietly repenting of their accusations.

  “Here we are bad-mouthing him, but he really is reliable. I’m sorry I was so suspicious of him…”

  “Yeah. He may not look the part, but he really comes through when his friends are in trouble. He isn’t always very open, but deep, deep down, he’s a good guy. I’m sorry, too…”

  I was getting a twinge of guilt about eavesdropping on them now.

  Once I got out of the bath, maybe I would treat them to something instead.

  I was just about to leave the bath when—

  “By the way, Megumin, I keep wondering about that thing on your butt…”

  “Oh no! I know we are friends, Darkness, but if you say another word, I will not let you off easily!”

  “Hang on—! Stoppit—!”

  There was a violent splashing, and bathwater came flying over the wall between them and me.

  “Good heavens! Such outrageous behavior! If you have time to worry about my rear, how about you spend some of it making these distractingly huge things more compact?!”

  “Ahh! Hey! M-Megumin, stop—! Those are my—!”

  It didn’t take long for my pangs of conscience to vanish and for me to reassume my position at the edge of the bath.

  Then, just to be safe, I activated my Ambush skill and put my ear to the wall…!

  “Now!”

  “Hi-yah!”

  “Bwah?!”

  The sudden impact came straight through the wall and into my temple, sending me tumbling into the water. Darkness must have given the wall her best smack from the other side.

  “Did you hear that?! I knew he was there!”

  “Yeah! We had his number! That shameless ogling I feel from him every day! I knew someone with that much frustrated lust would wind up in the mixed bath!”

  I heard their triumphant voices, my head throbbing from the blow.

  Now I was definitely gonna kill them.

  “Create Water!”

  ““Yeeeeek!””

  I fired my magical spray upward, aiming for the opening at the top of the wall. On the other side, the girls shrieked as it poured down on their heads.

  Sundry items came flying back from their side in a counterattack. Shampoo, soap, a wash bucket, Chomusuke.

  “Hey! Don’t fling your cat! She almost ended up in the water!”

  “I keep meaning to wash her, but she hates baths. I end up covered in scratches every time I try. As your punishment for eavesdropping, you must do it,” Megumin asserted.

  Chomusuke was digging her claws into my arm in terror of the water.

  I guess it’s no walk in the park for yo
u, either, having such a crazy owner…

  Now that they knew I was here, there was no reason to hold back.

  “Heeeey, since we finally got to go on a hot-springs vacation and all… Us party members are basically family, aren’t we? Since we’re here, come on over to this side and join me. Both of you have been in the bath with me before, so why not now?”

  “This man usually treats us as nothing but trouble, but listen to him now—party members! Family!”

  “I can’t tell if you’re a total screwup or the gutsiest person I ever met!”

  —I chose to get out of the now-tempestuous bath and return to our room before they did. But…

  “It—it’s not faiiiir! I…! I didn’t do anything wrong…! I only got in the bath!”

  “It must have been awful, Lady Aqua… B-but please d-don’t cry… Your tears burn terribly when they touch my skin…”

  …I found Aqua weeping, her face buried in Wiz’s chest.

  “Geez, look at you. What crazy thing happened now? How many people do you plan to cause trouble for today?”

  “What do you mean, crazy?! And what do you mean, trouble?! Why are you so sure I did something wrong?!” Aqua spat, whipping around.

  “Apparently…Milady Aqua got in the most cherished bath of the Axis sect, one full of good minerals and everything, only to have it turn into regular hot water. So…”

  “So they chased me out! Me, their goddess! How could I get run out of my own church?! How?!”

  I recalled other occasions when Aqua had purified water with an accidental touch.

  “And…!” she went on. “The manager of the bath was furious. And I said to him…! I said, ‘I’m sorry for turning your hot spring into regular water. But it was only natural! Because I’m the water goddess Aqua herself!’ And the manager…sniff…he just snorted at me! ‘Pfft.’ Even though it’s true! I really am a goddess!”

  Wiz offered comfort as best she could as the goddess burst back into tears.

  I only stared at Aqua…

  “…Pfft.”

  “Waaaaaaahhh!”

  “Mr. Kazuma!”

  Chapter 4

  May We Be Saved from This Suspicious Incident!

  1

  You could get food on the first floor of our hotel.

  “It looks like the dangers of this town are really risky,” Aqua said as we ate our classy, healthy, and surprisingly delicious breakfast.

  The dangers are really risky? What does that even mean? She should learn how to use words.

  “You were up all last night crying. What are you on about now? The biggest danger to this town right now is your special power. Don’t use any of the baths except the outdoor one attached to our room, okay?”

  That caused Aqua to smack the table.

  “Listen to me, will you?! I don’t go around purifying hot springs just for fun! I dumped all of Darkness’s expensive bubble soap in the bath at home as an experiment, and even then I cleansed it right away. So of course I would purify a hot spring.”

  “What?! You used all of it?! I brought it back special from the Capital!”

  Aqua ignored Darkness’s pained exclamation and continued.

  “But it’s weird. It took ages to purify the special bath at the Axis Church. And I have superstrong purifying powers. For example…”

  Suddenly she stopped speaking and stuck her finger into the cup of coffee I was about to drink.

  Instantaneously, the black coffee became clear hot water.

  Everyone looked at Aqua. She cocked her head.

  “…See?”

  “‘See’?! You dumbass, go get me a new cup of coffee!” I demanded, setting down my mug, but Aqua just licked the tip of her finger.

  “That’s how it usually goes. If it took that long to purify the bath, it must mean it was really polluted… And don’t you think the quality of the hot springs around here has suddenly gotten worse? Maybe it means the Demon King, unable to defeat my Axis Church in open combat, is trying to steal away the precious wellspring of their faith!”

  ““Oh. Wow.””

  “Please believe meeee!”

  Darkness and Megumin offered a simultaneous non-answer, and Aqua pounded the table.

  Her reaction practically caused question marks to appear over their heads.

  “So some hot springs have gone bad,” Darkness said. “What makes you so sure it’s the work of the Demon King’s army?”

  “I know people try to keep their distance from the Axis Church and often find it generally disagreeable, but who would go to that kind of trouble?” Megumin said.

  It does seem like an awful lot of work…

  Dammit. I guess that meant the guy I’d seen in the bath yesterday really was an agent of the Demon King. He did say something about having messed with the bath in the Axis Church. I was glad that Aqua had accidentally thwarted that plan and all, but…

  What should I do? Should I tell everyone?

  But if I did, I was sure it would blow up into this huge thing. We would have to report it to the Adventurers Guild in this town, and we would have to spend our time helping out, too.

  Our precious vacation would go down the drain, and we’d end up having to deal with yet another of these obnoxious Demon King types.

  Call it intuition, but those two in the bath yesterday seemed really powerful.

  I mean, they had marched right into the heart of the Axis faith to soak in the baths, and they were apparently planning to bring it all down with only the two of them.

  As for me, just the other day I fell out of a tree and died trying to fight the weakest monsters in the area. I didn’t think I was much of a match for them.

  “I’m going to stand up and defend this town! You’ll all help me, right?” Aqua said.

  “Sorry,” I answered, “I’m busy, uh, walking around town and stuff.”

  “I got quite enough firsthand experience of the fearsomeness of Axis disciples yesterday. I don’t need any more today. I shall stick with Kazuma,” Megumin said.

  Neither of us had the slightest interest.

  “What?! Why?! You can go for a walk anytime! And, Megumin, how can you hate my sweet little followers so much? D-Darkness, surely you…”

  “Er…I’m, uh… You know…”

  “Pleeeease!”

  “Okay! I’ll help you! I’ll do it! Just get away from me before you purify my grape juice!”

  Something occurred to me as I watched Darkness cave to the weeping, clinging Aqua.

  “Hey, isn’t Wiz up yet? She seems like a soft touch, especially with you. I’ll bet she’d go along if you asked.”

  “I spent all night crying on her shoulder. By morning, my tears had made her pretty much transparent. So I think I’ll let her rest for now.”

  “Help Wiz before you help the town! It’s your fault she’s done nothing but sleep since we got here!”

  After Megumin and I watched Aqua drag Darkness away, we settled down to deciding what to do for the day.

  For a resort destination, there was surprisingly little to see around here.

  We could certainly just wander around, but that seemed it would invite the flood of “evangelists” again.

  As I stood there thinking, Megumin gave a let’s go tug on my sleeve.

  “If we have no particular place to go, then please accompany me to set off an explosion outside town.”

  “We came all the way here, and that’s what you want to do?”

  Megumin’s daily explosion was practically part of the scenery in Axel, but a sudden blast would probably disturb a tourist trap like this.

  Oh well. If we got far enough away from town, it shouldn’t be a problem.

  So I told Megumin I would go with her for her explosion, and she sipped her juice happily.

  “Good morning… Oh… You’re all up so early…” Wiz appeared, groggy and pale and disheveled as she dragged herself into the room.

  “Morning. You feeling better? I heard Aqua had you van
ishing.”

  “Yes… For a moment there, I thought I saw one of my party members from my adventuring days waving to me from across a river… But I’m doing okay now.”

  Sounds like she really had it rough. Wasn’t that what they called a near-death experience?

  Come to think of it, can undead even have near-death experiences?

  “Got anything in mind for today, Wiz? Megumin and I were planning a trip out of town.”

  “I didn’t have any particular plans… So you’re thinking of leaving? The monsters that live around here are pretty strong, you know. If it’s all right, maybe I should come with you.”

  I was so grateful that she’d said that. And I hadn’t even had to ask her.

  “Absolutely! I’ll feel so much safer with a real wizard along.”

  “Hey! Would you mind informing me as to where this fake wizard might be?!”

  2

  Before we headed out of town, we decided to amble around a bit, since we were here and all.

  We had yet to encounter any overzealous Axis types.

  Megumin walked ahead of us in high spirits, Chomusuke on her shoulder.

  I watched her stride along as I asked Wiz beside me, “Hey, Wiz. Earlier, you mentioned a party member from your adventuring days. And it got me wondering… Why did you become a Lich? I know I’m not really one to talk, but I feel like you’re one of the few halfway mature people in Axel. I’m just not sure what would drive a famous adventurer to go against the laws of nature and become a Lich.”

  I knew my question probably came out of nowhere, but I’d been wondering about this for a while.

  I’d met another Lich beside Wiz: Khiel, in that dungeon. He had said he became a Lich when he had no other way to protect the person he loved.

  Wiz thought for a moment, then said, “That’s a good question… It’s a long story, so maybe I could wait to tell it until Lady Aqua is with us, too?”

  She smiled innocently.

  Well, if that was what she wanted…

  I had no idea what her story was, but it was possible that knowing it might soften Aqua’s attitude toward her.