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Love Is Overdue

Page 25

by Natalie Myrie


  I swallowed, forcing myself to meet his eyes. “I never said I didn’t trust you,” I mumbled pathetically.

  Ben sucked his teeth at that. “Come on now…you goin’ through my phone…but you trust me?”

  “Ben, I’m…” I racked my brain, telling myself not to panic. “I’m probably just sleepwalking or something. Either way I’m not thinking straight. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Sleepwalking? I was an idiot…

  “Gabriela, don’t fuck with me, okay? Am not stupid.” He was still calm. Unbelievably.

  I sighed. I took a deep breath. My heart was racing so fast I started to feel faint. “I guess I was just…curious.” Pathetic.

  “About what?”

  “You.”

  “Me,” he repeated. “So…?”

  I swallowed again. “What?”

  “Did you find what you were looking for?”

  Oh fuck, he was pissed. And rightly so. Why was he still so fucking calm?

  “I wasn’t looking for anything, Ben.”

  He just stared back at me for a moment. “Awright, fuck it…” He ran his hands down his thighs, the impatience wearing on him now. “If you ain’t gonna be straight with me then there’s no point having this conversation…”

  He moved to get up but I cut him off. “Okay look. Ben. I’m sorry. I heard your phone buzz and I…I guess I was curious why someone was texting you in the middle of the night.”

  There. I said it.

  He nodded slowly. “Okay, so ask me.”

  “Ask you what?”

  “What you wanna ask me,” he repeated. “About my text messages.”

  “It’s none of my business,” I mumbled.

  Ben’s eyes went wide at that. I could tell he was getting angrier and it was killing me. “You right it’s none of your business, Gabby. But you made it your business by going through my phone, so just ask me what you wanna ask me.”

  I froze. The calmness in his voice was starting to wear thin. Ben knew how to control himself. He was much angrier than his tone was suggesting.

  “Maybe we should talk about this later.” I knew it was the wrong thing to say but I was suddenly way too scared to continue the conversation.

  “Why the fuck would I want to talk about this later?”

  “I don’t know…” My mind was scrambling. “Maybe so you can calm down a bit.” Now I was in defense-mode. I was just making this worse and worse…

  His eyes went wide again as he stared back at me. “You a real piece of work – fi real.” His words were slow. Deliberate. Painful. “You really telling me to calm down?”

  I ran my hands over my face then, waiting…thinking. I felt like I may throw up. Finally I pulled them back, slowly. Reluctantly. “Can we just go back to bed, Ben?”

  But Ben just sucked his teeth. “I’m goin’ home…”

  Shit. No. This was real bad.

  “No,” I said quickly, as he started to get up. “Ben, don’t go. You’re right. Let’s just talk about this.”

  He dropped back down onto his chair staring me down. Not speaking.

  “Okay…” I sank down onto a chair opposite him and pulled one of my feet up under my thigh. I took a deep breath. “Who is Amira?”

  Ben kept his eyes on me. “She’s a friend of mine.”

  I nodded slowly. “I never heard about her before.”

  Ben sighed. “I think there are a lot of friends I have that you haven’t heard about before, Gabby…”

  “Yeah, but…” I stopped. “What about Melissa? Julia?” I racked my brain. “Amanda?”

  Ben’s gaze didn’t shift off mine and his expression didn’t change. “They’re all girls I know – that see me today at the festival.”

  “Girls you know…” I repeated, stressing the word.

  “Girls I used to fuck.” Ben decided to clarify it for me.

  “Oh.” My heart sank.

  Ben watched me for another moment, not saying anything. “You know, I’ve been single for a long time,” he said then. “There are girls I don’t talk to or see anymore since I met you so I guess when they saw me today they decide to say what’s up…”

  “Okay…” I said softly, taking in his words. “But you still talk to Amira.”

  Ben sighed. “Yeah, because…we’re friends, that’s different.”

  “Did you used to fuck her too?” I had to ask.

  “Sometimes,” he admitted.

  “Oh.” Crash.

  “But we were tighter than that. It wasn’t just about sex.”

  “Oh. You mean, like a girlfriend.”

  “No. Just friends.”

  “Friends with benefits.” I hated that fucking expression.

  Ben sighed. “I guess…something like that.”

  I nodded slowly. “So…if you’re friends then that means you still…” My voice trailed off. “When you hang out, that means you still…” I couldn’t even say it.

  Ben’s eyes hadn’t shifted. They were still glued to mine. “Are you really fucking asking me that, Gabby?”

  “Yes. I am.”

  Ben nodded slowly. “Okay…so assuming I’ve even hung out with Amira in the time that I’ve known you, Gabby, do you really think I have any time to fuck anyone besides you right now?” He paused for effect. “Be honest.”

  I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know anything, Ben…”

  His eyes went wide as he stared back at me. “You don’t know anything? Really?” He paused, still staring me down. “You don’t know anything about me? I can’t believe I’m even listening to this shit right now…”

  “I don’t mean it like that, I just…okay, so you haven’t seen her or fucked her. I believe you.” I took a breath. “But she doesn’t know about me.”

  “Hasn’t come up.”

  “I see…”

  Ben paused, thinking. “I haven’t seen her in a very long time, Gabby, like weeks before I met you….it’s not really something I feel like bringing up in a text message.”

  I stayed silent.

  “We’ve been friends for a long time. Since right after Angela and I split. And I know she always wanted more from me so it’s not really the easiest conversation to have…” He paused for a moment. “When you consider the fact that I spent years telling her I’m not ready to be in a relationship, that I can’t handle commitment and I certainly can’t be her boyfriend, how do you think she would take the news? So…no…I never told her about you.”

  I met his gaze. “Why didn’t you want more too?”

  “I just didn’t.”

  I hesitated. “But you care about her.”

  He nodded. “Of course I do.”

  I waited, thinking.

  “Anything else?” His voice was softer now, but it didn’t fool me. He was still mad.

  I took a deep breath. “Why did you keep fucking a girl that you had no real interest in even though you knew she liked you? Why would you lead her on like that?”

  Ben’s eyes went wide as I spoke. I could tell he hadn’t expected that question. He thought for a moment, obviously debating his answer, and so I waited.

  “Well?” I wondered, breaking the silence.

  Ben sighed. “I don’t know, Gabby. She helped me through some difficult shit – we were friends, I enjoyed her company – I don’t know why. Sometimes it just happened. I’m a man, she’s a woman – fuck, it’s not that complicated.”

  I could tell the third degree was starting to wear on him now. But I just couldn’t stop. “But she had feelings for you, Ben…are you saying you been stringing a girl along for nearly three years that you know is in love with you just because you happen to enjoy her company?”

  Ben looked at me. “Where is this coming from?”

  “I don’t know. Experience.”

  He eyed me closely. “You?”

  “Of course me,” I said simply. “I have a lot of experience with men who think I’m loads of fun but undateable. I know how it feels.


  Ben watched me in silence.

  “So…I guess maybe that’s why I looked through your phone,” I admitted softly. “I’m still trying to figure out where I stand…with you.”

  “With me?” Ben repeated, still not taking his eyes off me. “You go through my phone to try to figure out how I feel about you?”

  I let my breath out. “I guess so.”

  “Did it work?”

  I shook my head slowly. “No, not really. All I can tell is that you have a hell of a lot of women throwing themselves at you at every turn – and I’ve obviously been monopolizing your time.”

  Ben rested his head on his hand. “That doesn’t tell you anything?”

  I sighed. “You enjoy my company.” I shrugged. “But then again, you said the same thing about Amira, so how am I any different?”

  Ben sucked his teeth, but didn’t say anything.

  “You told me you don’t have time for a girlfriend…yet you spend all your time with me,” I said then. “But I don’t know what we are. And it scares me because I have such strong feelings for you. I’m scared of being hurt, Ben. I don’t want you to do to me what you did to her, but when you talk about her, it just feels like…” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t finish. I just shook my head, my eyes resting on the table in front of me.

  Ben didn’t say anything right away, but I could sense his eyes on me, so I waited.

  “You want to know how you’re different…” His voice pulled me from my thoughts and I lifted my eyes to meet his.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “I don’t know how you’re different,” he admitted softly. “I don’t know how anyone is different – sometimes you just feel something and sometimes you don’t. I don’t have any answers for you about that. All I know is that I really…truly…honestly care a lot about you, Gabriela. I really do,” he stressed it again. “But you’re right. I am scared of getting too involved right now…I been doin’ things a certain way for a long time now and things been working out pretty good for me. I’m happy on my own…”

  I swallowed. I could feel it coming. I had already been holding back a deadly rush of tears for a while and the pain was unbearable. That piercing fear.

  “Okay.” I let my breath out. “I’m sorry…it’s okay…” I ran my fingers through my hair and stood up suddenly.

  “Wait…” I felt a gentle tug on the hem of my sarong as I went to move past him. I froze.

  Ben looked up at me, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You know every day I wake up I still want to see you…and be with you…and talk to you and make you laugh…I love spending time with you, Gabby…”

  I felt the tears rimming my eyes. I hated breaking down.

  “So I’m just going with it, really…” Ben kept going. “I haven’t really thought too much about what it means because that shit really scares me – for real.” Ben’s voice was gentler now. “And one of the main reasons it scares me so much is ‘cause of the shit you pulled tonight with my phone…I mean, if I can’t trust you and you don’t trust me then what the hell am I doin’ all this for? If you think I’m just lying to you and playin’ you every minute of the day, then why should I even waste my time falling for some girl who don’t even know what kinda person I am? It makes no fucking sense.”

  I wiped my eyes, nodding. “I know. I agree with you.”

  Ben stared back at me for a moment, thinking to himself. “I know you haven’t really told me much about guys you been with in the past and everything…and I haven’t really asked you much either, and I don’t know…maybe it would help me understand where you coming from a bit more but I just don’t wanna hear about guys hurting you like that, it just…breaks my heart.”

  I blinked a tear away. Felt it roll down my cheek as Ben kept watching me.

  “For real, Gabriela. You mean a lot to me.”

  I nodded again, wiping more tears. Ben slowly stood up so he was facing me. He reached out and held my face between his hands, pulling my forehead to his lips.

  I sucked my breath in, my fingers grazing his bare hips. “I’m such an idiot,” I whispered against his neck.

  Ben’s fingers were pushing my hair back. “Yes, you are,” he agreed easily.

  I laughed softly. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know, baby.”

  He took my hand and led me back to bed.

  Ω

  “What the hell were you thinking, girl?”

  Tony and I were grabbing an ice cream on Davie Street, about to take a walk on the beach at English Bay. Ben was back at the festival all day again and when he’d left that morning he told me to text him as soon as I got word back about the apartment. I’d left a message with the property manager, but I was doubtful I would hear back any time soon, since it was a Sunday.

  “I don’t know why I did it, to be honest,” I sighed. “Well, yeah, I do, but…” My voice trailed off. I had just finished telling Tony all about my idiotic move – going through Ben’s blackberry.

  “Yeah, you know exactly why you did it,” Tony agreed with me. “You did it ‘cause you want to know if he’s messin’ around on you.”

  “Tony, when’s he gonna mess around on me?” I challenged him. “We’re together all the time unless he’s working – more or less.” Ben’s point had definitely had some validity.

  Tony eyed me. “Who you trying to convince here, Gabby? Plus, he’s hot,” he said, taking his cone from the girl behind the counter. “If he’s not messin’ around on you then he’s obviously battin’ away bitches left, right and center.”

  “First,” I shot back as I took my cone and noticed our server’s eyes go wide at Tony’s dirty mouth, “we ain’t all bitches…and second…” My mind was doing over-time again. “Why you always gotta put shit like that in my head? Yeah, he’s hot. He’s too hot. I see the way women drool over him everywhere he goes, it’s not fuckin’ normal, Tony…”

  Tony sighed. “Yeah, so basically you’re saying to yourself, what the fuck is he doing with me? I get it, girl, believe me.”

  I gave him a look. “Gee, thanks Tony.”

  “Guys are all the same, Gabby, it don’t matter – gay, straight, whatever…it’s all about the physical…you’re always worried someone hotter, sexier, prettier is waitin’ around the corner and you’re gonna miss out…”

  “This is supposed to make me feel better how again?” I wanted to know.

  “Well, what did you say those skanks were textin’ Ben about yesterday? They kept mentioning how they knew he was watching them or whatever, so bottom line is, yes he noticed them. For a dude the problem isn’t noticing another hot dude – or woman, I guess – that ain’t gonna make him cheat, it’s about how he feels for the one he’s with. So just like you said, if chicks are throwing themselves at him and he’s ignoring them because of you it’s not because they ain’t hot enough, it’s because you got something he wants more.”

  I let my breath out, letting his words sink in. “Like what?” I was so confused.

  Tony raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know, girl, that’s what you gotta figure out. I ain’t Oprah.”

  Ω

  We sat down on one of the logs on the sand, staring out at the ocean. It was a beautiful day again – hot and sunny.

  “Really, though…” Tony was thinking out loud again. “Even if he was screwin’ around, Gabby, I’d still keep him. I mean, what he offered to do for you and your moms is huge…”

  I groaned. “He’s not screwing around…and yes, it’s huge. I just wish Laz would step up. I told him the situation, you know, about the house, and he didn’t really say anything. I think…”

  “What?” Tony wondered.

  “Well, I know what he wants to do. The same thing he’s wanted for years, he just wants to cart her off to some nursing home, like some senile, old bat, Tony…” I shuddered again at the thought. “My mother is forty-nine years old!”

  Tony sighed. “I know, Gabby.”

  I reached in my bag for my
cigarettes. “Oh I didn’t tell you,” I said then absentmindedly. “He texted me this morning. His flight is booked. He’ll be here on Wednesday.”

  Tony’s eyes went wide. “For real?”

  “Yup. It’s kinda surreal actually. I’m gonna tell my mom when I see her later.”

  “Yeah…I’m like having heart palpitations as we speak…” Tony was practically hyperventilating. “I used to have the hugest crush on your brother.”

  I laughed. “I know.”

  “You know?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course I know…I knew back then! It’s the only reason we became friends, you idiot…” We were both laughing. “Actually,” I nudged his arm. “I had the hugest crush on you back then.”

  Now that I had never told him.

  “So I didn’t care that you were actually only hanging out with me to get to my brother ‘cause all that time I was just workin’ all my magic to turn you straight…” I smiled to myself at the memory.

  “Aww…that’s sweet, Gabby.” Tony put his arm around me, pulling me close. “Your magic didn’t work.”

  I hit his knee, laughing. “That’s okay…eventually, though, I was just glad you didn’t trade me in for a hotter best friend.” I glanced up at him. “Thank you for that.”

  Tony sucked his teeth and pushed me off him. “Shut the fuck up with that shit, Gabby – you and your stupid-ass, self-hating attitude. You’re the most beautiful woman I know.”

  “Oh please…” I rolled my eyes.

  “Really.” Tony had a serious look on his face. “You’re hot enough for him, Gabriela. You’re worth it.” We locked eyes and I knew what he was getting at. “You just have to start believing that.”

  Ω

  My mom and I liked to play Scrabble. We’d been playing ever since I started seventh grade. It was the one thing I figured I could teach her – to speak English. Laz was always off with his friends and never home anyway, and by the time I was thirteen my mom had pretty much taken to just staying home.

  On top of the depression, her illness made her extremely self-conscious for a woman who had grown up placing almost all her value on her physical appearance. I remember staring at pictures of her as a teenager, on the beaches of Rio in her bikini, wondering who the fuck that girl even was. I would stare down at my rolls of fat as a kid and wonder why God would curse both of us…

 

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