Love Is Overdue

by Natalie Myrie

  “What are you trying to say, Ben?” My heart was beating furiously.

  I could see the pain in his eyes and it was killing me. “Fuck, Gabby…the truth is that I can’t control anything when it comes to you…and I shouldn’t have to…but you just…” His voice trailed off again, almost like he was fighting with himself – with what he was trying to say. “Right now…with everything going on…I just can’t do this. Me and you. It takes too much out of me and the last thing I ever wanna do is hurt you, but that’s all am gonna end up doing right now…”

  “Wait.” I found my voice and cut him off. “What is this? Are you…are you breaking up with me? Is that what this is? I’m confused.” And it was a fair statement. I’d never experienced it before.

  He stared back at me, taking in my words in silence. It truly looked like he didn’t want to say it – it almost gave me a glimmer of hope – but it was fleeting. He’d already said it.

  “What if…I mean…what if we just slowed down, Ben?” My head was spinning, racing, turning…again and again…there had to be another way. Any other way. “I mean, like the way things were with Amira and you – that was easy, right? That didn’t cause you any stress.” I couldn’t even believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.

  But Ben just shook his head slowly. “I could never do that to you, Gabriela. And I won’t.”

  “Well why the fuck not?” I was losing it now. “Wouldn’t it be easier than just never seeing me again? Never kissing me or touching me or making love to me ever again…ever Ben? Really?” I was shaking. I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.

  And that’s when he looked away. He leaned over the steering wheel and dropped his head onto his arms. He couldn’t bear to look at me anymore. I could feel it. And it nearly killed me.

  I caught my breath and just stared back at him, as he lifted his head up slowly and leaned all the way back in his seat, just staring out the front windshield yet again. I wanted to just lean over and wrap my arms around him and never let go – nearly as much as I wanted to just lunge on him and punch him in the face.

  “Don’t you think you could have decided all this shit before you made me fall in love with you?” My voice was barely more than a whisper, but as soon as they were out of my mouth, and I was regretting every word, his face turned and his eyes locked with mine.

  “Gabby…”

  “What?” I shot back quickly – still hoping and praying that he would take it all back and this whole nightmare would come to an immediate end. “You never said it back. I know that.” I wiped at my tears again. “I guess I should have realized it then but I just…I guess I’m not that good at keeping shit to myself, I just…I say everything that I feel and you always said that’s what you liked best about me so I guess I thought that…you know…maybe you would appreciate my honesty…maybe that was what could make you love me too…” My voice broke then. I was done. I was beyond done. I just wanted him to say something…

  Ben met my eyes once more. And then he finally spoke. “Love is a very complicated thing, Gabriela…” He paused, and then turned and stared back out the front window. “And this thing between you and me…it’s too much for me…that should tell you something...” His eyes fell then. “But you don’t love me, Gabby. And if you do, you shouldn’t. I just made a mistake…and I got into something that I’m just not ready for. I’m sorry.”

  His words were so final. And they stung so deep. He couldn’t even look at me anymore. I’d never known this kind of pain. And now he was just gonna drive me home? Fuck that.

  I opened the passenger door and just got out, slamming it hard behind me, and I refused to look back.

  Ω

  And so three weeks to the day later, there I was. Alone. And in so much pain it took every ounce of strength I had to function. But somehow I did. I had to. I had my mother and I had my job. Two things that in all honesty gave me very little joy anymore, but it was all I had, and if I lost either of them I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Maybe jump off a bridge. Or spike my mother’s tea and then polish off the rest of the pills myself…

  As soon as that thought came, though, I called Tony. I was fucking losing it. And I had respite that night, which in that moment was a terrible combination.

  “I told you a thousand times already, Gabby, you need to just come out with me and Matt – shake ya ass with us at Celebrities – that fuckin’ stank-assed shit-faced nigga didn’t deserve you anyway.”

  Oh Tony. He really knew how to lay it on thick. I had so many new names for Ben, I couldn’t keep them straight anymore.

  “I can’t go to the gay bar with you again, Tony. The whole place just depresses me.”

  “How is that even possible? It’s the happiest place on earth.”

  “No, Tony, it’s a straight girl’s version of sexual hell.”

  “So…staying home and eating buckets of Chunky Monkey and watchin’ Beaches over and over again in a pair of dirty pjamas is gonna get you laid?” Tony wanted to know.

  “I don’t wanna get laid…” My voice trailed off.

  “Then the gay bar is the place for you!” Tony chirped. “We’ll pick you up at eight. We’ll pre-drink it at Spuntino’s. He drives a Chevy Spectrum but I’ll make sure he parks it underground somewhere.”

  Ω

  Sitting in my office at work during the week is what really killed me. Just knowing he was less than 30 feet from me behind the concrete wall that separated the travel agency from the restaurant was absolute agony. All I wanted was to see him, to see if he was okay…didn’t he miss me? Even just a little bit? Maybe if he saw me he would remember how much he needed me. Maybe all I needed to do was walk into the restaurant like I did that very first day four months ago and step up to the counter to order my lunch and he would walk out, carrying that fucking tray of patties, but this time instead of just casually sliding them onto the hot-cart rack he would lose his grip and they would go flying to the ground and he wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t even notice, instead he would just step around the counter and pull me close and wrap his arms around me and tell me how much he loved me…

  “Gabby!”

  I quickly minimized the window open on my computer screen. I was stalking his facebook page again. Why the hell didn’t anything ever happen on it? Why couldn’t he just update his status so I could read between the lines and agonize over what it meant for the rest of the day? What the fuck else was I supposed to do with myself? He hadn’t unfriended me, though. That was a good sign. Or maybe, just as he paid no attention to his facebook page in general, he hadn’t even noticed…

  “Gabby, I think we need to have a talk.”

  It was Tammy. She didn’t look too happy either.

  “Oh. Sure. I’m sorry, I was just checking something…” I said pathetically.

  “I got about three emails this week alone from some of your clients.” She sighed, just staring me down. “A four hour layover in Panama City? When there is a direct flight to Lima that would cost nearly four-hundred dollars less if they left a day later? How could you not give them the option? This is exactly why everyone books online nowadays – what use are we to our clients if we aren’t providing any real benefit? I think if it would save me four-hundred dollars I would spend two hours out of my busy schedule to book my own vacation too. Wouldn’t you?”

  How the hell would I know? I’d never even taken a fucking vacation.

  “I’m sorry, I know. I just saw that cancellation this morning – the flight was actually fully booked as of yesterday. I’ll call the Johnsons back right away.”

  “Johnsons?” Tammy glanced down at the print-out of her email. “This here says Thomas Boreman. But it’s funny that you should mention Johnson, because I have an email from Susan Johnson that says she’s been waiting for a reply on her itinerary since last week Friday.”

  I noticed Jeannine looking uncomfortable at our exchange from her desk across the room. Or maybe it was just the black velvet choker and pend
ant that was strangling her. She’d been tugging at it all morning…

  I nodded. “I know. Again, I’m sorry. If you forward me their emails I’ll make sure to take care of everything this afternoon.”

  “Gabby, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’m not sure we can keep this up for much longer. I know you’ve been having a hard time with your mother these past few months and I’ve really tried to be more than understanding – believe me, when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and we had to fly her down to Arizona for chemo, and Jim and I had to watch the girls for her, believe me – my head was in the clouds, I didn’t know if I was coming or going, so yes, I know what you’re going through.” Tammy did her best attempt at looking empathetic. “But the only way to get through it sometimes is to just focus on the things you can control, like your work. Because you are more than capable. I wouldn’t have hired you if I thought otherwise.”

  I just nodded again and kept my mouth shut.

  Tammy stared me down for a good moment. “I’m going to give you an opportunity to remedy this, Gabriela. But if we have to have this conversation again, it won’t end the same way. So please…pull yourself together.”

  “I will.”

  “Okay. Go grab yourself a coffee and regroup. I could use a cappuccino myself. Jeannine, you want anything? Gabby’s gonna make a coffee run.”

  Ω

  I stepped out into the back alley with their order and fished through my bag for my cigarettes. Ben’s Escalade was in its stall behind the restaurant. I saw it nearly every day and every time it made me almost burst into tears. The reality of the situation was finally hitting me. I was going to have to look for a new job and not just because Tammy was on the verge of firing me. Every single thing around me reminded me of him. And the worst part was that even when I went home there was no escape. The apartment I lived in had Ben’s name written all over it too…

  I took a deep breath and started walking. But before I’d even made it past his car I heard the remote lock go off and the headlights flash. And then the back door of the restaurant swung open and there he was.

  It was strange because in over three weeks we had managed to not run into each other even once. And now because of Tammy and her fucking insistence on turning me into her errand girl, even that had failed me.

  He looked so handsome, like a painting or a photograph…I would have sold my soul to have him to myself again…

  I steeled myself though. There was no way I was breaking down again.

  Our eyes locked immediately, but as it was so often, I couldn’t read his expression. He walked slowly toward me and his car. “Hey.”

  “Hi,” I managed. “I was just…going for coffee…” I gestured up the alley and just started to walk again.

  “Wait a second…” His voice pulled me back.

  I turned around.

  “How you doing, Gabby?”

  That was it?

  “I’m fine.”

  “How’s your mom?”

  “She’s fine.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me, questioningly. “You sure?”

  Fuck, if I didn’t get out of there soon I was going to start to scream…

  “Yes, I’m sure,” I repeated.

  He nodded slowly, just watching me.

  I stared back at him, waiting. “Is this…is this conversation going anywhere or can I just…?” I gestured pathetically again.

  He bit his bottom lip for a moment, still staring me down. “It’s just nice seeing you, that’s all,” he told me quietly.

  What the fuck did that mean?

  “Okay…thanks…you too, Ben,” I stammered. “I should probably go so…”

  He nodded again. “Okay…just…” He hesitated for a moment, like he was debating what he wanted to say. “You know, if you ever need anything…”

  My eyes went wide in confusion. “Need anything?” I couldn’t let that one go. “Need what? What the hell does that mean?”

  He let his breath out. “I don’t know, Gabby.”

  I stared back at him, completely confounded.

  “I just mean…in general, y’know…” He paused. “I guess that’s just my nature…old habits die hard.”

  I swallowed. “Well, thanks for the gesture, Ben, but I think I do a pretty good job of taking care of myself.” Lies. All lies…

  But Ben kept his eyes locked on mine. “Yeah, I know you do.” He sounded like he meant it. It was a small victory perhaps.

  I nodded. “I’ll…” I stumbled over my words again though. “I’ll see you later, Ben.”

  I turned and headed up the alley then and the only consolation I took with me was that in my rush out of the office, I had forgotten to swap out my knee-high brown-suede heels for my mid-calf flats. If anything, I hoped as he watched me walk away that a small part of him still wished he could fuck the shit out of me just one more time…

  Ω

  “So what happened to your boyfriend? Why won’t you talk to me about it?”

  I was in the kitchen trying to cook dinner, and my mother was in her housecoat, her wheelchair pushed up against the kitchen table, as she absentmindedly skimmed through the newspaper, while simultaneously distracting me with random articles she came across. She was always fascinated with crime – for some reason it excited the hell out of her.

  But now she decided to get personal.

  “There’s nothing to say really,” I shrugged it off. “We just decided it wasn’t working out. No real reason.”

  “You’ve never been a good liar, Gabriela, I don’t know why you are attempting it now.”

  I heard her turn another page. I turned back to the garlic I was mincing for my Greek salad dressing. I sprinkled it with some salt and began to mash it into a paste with the back of my knife. Ben was always notorious for giving me little tips and tricks like that. As much as I hated to admit it, they seemed to come in handy a lot…

  “Mama, I’m not talking about this with you.”

  “Why not? It will help to get it out – you can’t keep it inside. Was it another woman? Be honest.”

  I sighed. “No, Mama.”

  “That you know of,” she threw out casually.

  “No.”

  “Well, you’re heartbroken. That I can see.”

  I sighed, slicing down through the middle of a massive red onion. I kept my back to her, telling myself I would blame the tears on the onion if she noticed. But as usual, my eyes had welled up long before that…

  Ω

  He answered on the fifth ring. I had almost hung up when I realized the time difference made it after 11 pm in Montreal. But his voice didn’t sound sleepy when he answered.

  “Hey…Laz. It’s Gabby.”

  “Hey…what’s up, Gab? Is everything okay?” His voice was immediately laced with concern.

  “Yeah…no, everything’s fine. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was so late for you.”

  “Oh…yeah, it’s cool, I was actually just rehearsing. Andrea and the boys are in Joliette with her parents for the weekend.”

  “That must be nice for you. Surprised you’re staying in,” I teased him. “Shouldn’t you be out drinkin’ with the boys or something?”

  He sighed. “Nah…I’m an old married guy, remember? Most of the guys lost my number years ago...”

  I laughed. “Well, as long as you’re fine with it then hey…” My voice trailed off. “So what are you rehearsing?”

  “It’s a contemporary piece by Phillip Glass. You heard of him?”

  “No,” I admitted.

  “You should look him up. You can find almost all his music online.”

  I pulled my mother’s afghan tighter up around me as I curled up on our ratty, sagging sofa. I adjusted myself slightly to keep a wayward spring from poking my hip.

  “I guess I could,” I admitted and then hesitated, as a thought circled through my head. “But do you…could you play it for me instead?”

  Laz didn’t sa
y anything right away. “Play it for you? You mean like now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well…it’s long, Gabby.”

  “I don’t mind,” I insisted.

  “Like thirteen minutes long.”

  I laughed softly. I couldn’t blame my brother for his surprise. I hadn’t taken an interest in his music since I was a little girl. “I wanna hear it. What’s it called?”

  He was quiet for a moment. “Mad Rush.”

  “Seems fitting. Put your phone on the piano and let me hear it.”

  “Ahh…okay. Sure – hold on a sec.”

  And so I waited. It took a minute or so but all of a sudden I heard the faint whisper of the piano keys start up in my ear. I strained at first to hear it but it gradually increased in pitch, and I caught my breath in wonder. The gentle, haunting melody filled my head then and I closed my eyes to let it resonate and it seemed to seep and flow through my whole body. And I just listened. I couldn’t think. I had no thoughts. I was never without thoughts, without worry, without pain, without fear, and suddenly – somehow – miraculously for those brief passing minutes, it just all washed away. Somehow I felt free. And all I knew is that I wanted that feeling to stay so badly. I didn’t want to lose it. Not at any cost. Not anymore…

  When my brother and I were children we used to play a game called Cinco Marias. It was basically just a ghettoed-up version of Jacks – you’d just use some flat stones instead. I had amazing reflexes and I used to beat him every time, even though I was much younger than he was and it would piss him off more than anything. He kept insisting at first that it was just luck and so he kept forcing me to a rematch, over and over again and I would just get better and faster and quicker at grabbing those stones…

  When he finally realized he was fighting a losing battle with me, he decided to control the situation in another way. He told me I should seriously consider training to become a boxer. I would be able to throw out and duck a punch faster than anyone else. Even though I would never make as much money as a male boxer, I could probably still scrape by a decent living. I made a face and told him he was an idiot.