by Emily Forbes
Being with Ryder made her feel as if she was in full sunshine, her world was right, happy. She was able to live in the moment. Ryder reminded her of the girl she used to be. The girl who had laughed and dreamed. Where had that girl gone?
She’d lost her sense of adventure. She’d replaced it with a good work ethic but were the two mutually exclusive?
She’d had a goal to own her own house and she hadn’t achieved it yet but it wasn’t far off—half a house with Craig still counted—and maybe once she’d ticked that box she could think about what she wanted next.
‘Did something happen with Craig?’
‘No.’ Poppy shook her head as she topped up their wine glasses. ‘With Ryder.’
‘Ryder?’
Poppy nodded. ‘I kissed him.’
‘What!’ Lily almost choked on a mouthful of wine. ‘When? Last night?’ Lily knew that Poppy and Ryder had caught up for dinner.
‘No, not last night. Twelve years ago.’
‘Oh.’ Poppy heard the relief in Lily’s voice and she knew her sister thought it was all water under the bridge and nothing to worry about. What she didn’t know was that Poppy wanted to do it all over again. ‘That was so long ago, why are you thinking about it now?’
‘I can’t stop thinking about it. I hadn’t thought about him for years but since I’ve seen him again I can’t get it out of my mind and it’s making me wonder what I’m doing with Craig.’ She didn’t divulge that she wanted to kiss Ryder again. That information wasn’t for sharing, not even with Lily. ‘Isn’t absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder?’ Poppy asked, wondering if that was the case for Lily and Otto.
‘Supposedly. That’s not how you’re feeling?’
‘No.’
‘Is Ryder your missed opportunity?’
‘I think he might be,’ Poppy admitted.
‘And how does he fit into your plans?’
He didn’t fit in with her plans. Not at all.
He stirred all sorts of emotions in her, simultaneously making her feel calm and nervous. Her soul was calm when she was with him, even if her heart was racing and her knees were shaky. When she was with Ryder she felt like she was where she was supposed to be, was who she was supposed to be, but she knew he didn’t fit in with her plans.
But she couldn’t bring herself to say that. Admitting that would mean he wouldn’t be part of her life in the future and she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him again. Not yet.
She remained silent.
‘I think you should go and see Craig,’ Lily suggested. ‘See how you feel after a weekend in Brisbane. Ryder is gorgeous and sort of familiar but perhaps seeing him is confusing your feelings for Craig.’
* * *
Poppy paid the cab driver and lifted her bag from the seat. She pushed open the front gate and saw Craig’s car in the driveway. She hadn’t told him she was coming. She’d had a feeling he’d try to talk her out of it and she knew she couldn’t put it off.
She needed to get herself back on an even keel. Lily had been right. Spending some time with Craig would help to remind her of why they were together. Coming home would give her a chance to put Ryder out of her mind. A chance to focus on Craig and on their relationship.
She stood inside the front gate and took a moment to assess her feelings. She was restless and had a strange sense of foreboding. Was it just because Ryder had unsettled her equilibrium or was it due to something else? She had no idea but surely she should be feeling differently? She was about to see Craig for the first time in three weeks. Shouldn’t she be excited, eager, happy?
But she was none of those things.
She was pleased to be home but she felt like something was missing. Someone.
She shook her head. She was being ridiculous. It was time to grow up and time to put Ryder out of her mind.
She shut the gate and climbed the steps leading to the front of the house.
The bottom step was loose and the paint on the wooden banister flaked off under her hand. She added those two jobs to the long list she already had. She breathed in the scent of the frangipani that grew in the corner between the house and the staircase. She loved that perfume and if she closed her eyes she could picture how the house would look, the fragrant flowers of the frangipani with its glossy green leaves contrasting with the freshly painted white woodwork of the façade. One day her house would be perfect.
She pushed open the wooden louvre doors on the small veranda and slid her key into the front door. The house was in darkness save for a sliver of light that spilled into the passage from the master bedroom, where the door was slightly ajar. She was about to push the bedroom door open when she heard water running in the bathroom at the back of the house. Was Craig in the shower?
She paused, waiting to feel a sense of expectation and eagerness over seeing Craig again, but there was nothing. Their relationship wasn’t built on sexual chemistry, it was built on shared goals and mutual respect and that had been enough for her. Until now, a little voice in her head said.
She hoped Lily was right. She hoped this visit would give her what she needed. An opportunity to remind herself of the value of their relationship. Of the benefits.
She dropped her bag and walked the length of the passage. She’d surprise Craig in the shower, she thought as she heard the water shut off. Maybe she just needed to try harder to breathe some life into their relationship, she thought as she tried not to think about how differently she’d feel if it was Ryder in the shower.
The bathroom door swung open before she could reach it. Poppy had expected to see Craig emerge and she froze, momentarily confused, when she saw a woman coming towards her. Her first thought was they had an intruder but as her brain caught up with her eyes she realised the woman was almost naked, wearing nothing but an unbuttoned man’s business shirt and a pair of bikini briefs. Poppy didn’t recognise the woman but she recognised the shirt. It was one of Craig’s. One she’d bought him.
‘Who the hell are you?’
The woman looked a little startled but not as thrown by the situation as Poppy thought she should be. She recovered quickly. ‘Dee.’
That told Poppy nothing. And why was she almost naked?
The picture gradually came into focus. It was surely only seconds but it felt like an eternity. Craig’s car in the drive. A light on in the bedroom—her bedroom—a semi-naked woman coming out of the bathroom.
Craig was cheating on her.
She turned her back on the woman—Dee—and shoved the bedroom door open, taking some small delight in seeing the horrified expression on Craig’s face when he saw her standing there instead of the woman he had been expecting.
She would have laughed at his expression except that she was furious and embarrassed. She hated being wrong-footed. She hated feeling like a fool.
She was the planner. The one who always knew how things would end. The one who had an end game. Or at least she had been until the last couple of weeks. Ryder had unsettled her life and now it looked as though Craig was adding to her confusion.
She hadn’t told Craig she was coming so that he couldn’t convince her not to. She’d wanted him be the one who was surprised. Turned out they were both surprised.
The trouble was, she hated surprises. She hated losing control.
‘Poppy!’ Craig was sitting on the edge of the bed, checking his phone. It didn’t look so bad—if she ignored the fact that he was naked. ‘I wasn’t expecting you.’
‘Evidently.’
She could feel Dee hovering behind her. She stretched her arm out, putting her hand on the doorframe, blocking her entry, shutting her out.
Craig grabbed a pillow and put it over his lap. Poppy wasn’t sure why. She’d seen him naked plenty of times but he was obviously feeling uncomfortable. She hoped he was feeling guilty.
‘Is there something you
’ve forgotten to tell me?’ She wasn’t sure how she was managing to sound calm and rational. She’d caught Craig cheating on her so she should be throwing things, screaming at him or bursting into tears—all those things she’d seen in the movies—but although she felt like an idiot she was far from devastated.
If anything, it reinforced that she’d been sensible not to fall in love. If she’d loved Craig then his infidelity would hurt far more.
She felt foolish but not heartbroken.
She turned to Dee. ‘I think you should leave.’ Her voice was quiet but steely. She shot a glare in Dee’s direction but knew she would save most of her anger for Craig. Just because she wasn’t heartbroken it didn’t mean he would escape without hearing her thoughts on his behaviour.
‘I’ll drive you home.’
Craig had pulled on a pair of shorts while she’d been glaring at Dee.
‘No, you won’t,’ Poppy told him. She folded her arms. ‘She can take your car or you can call her a cab but you are staying here. I think there are some things we need to discuss.’ She wasn’t sure where she got the courage to speak to him like that. The shock made her bolshy.
Was this what he’d been getting up to? Was this why he hadn’t come down to Sydney as planned? Was this a one-off or something more? Was Dee the reason he’d been hard to get hold of? Was she what was keeping him busy—not work and not golf?
She hated feeling like a fool and she hated being made a fool of even more. Was he taking her for one?
No more.
‘What’s going on?’ she asked once Dee had left and she and Craig had moved their discussion to the living room. She wasn’t comfortable having this conversation in their bedroom given the circumstances and that annoyed her. ‘Was this your way of telling me it’s over? You wanted me to catch you being unfaithful?’
‘No! I would never do that. I wasn’t expecting you. You didn’t tell me you were coming back. I didn’t want to hurt you.’
She had to believe him. He was safe, dependable, reliable, and she didn’t think he would deliberately hurt her. That was one of the things she liked about him.
‘I want you to be happy,’ he continued. ‘I want us both to be happy and I know I’m not. I haven’t been happy for a long time and I don’t think you’re happy either.’
Was he right?
She knew he was.
A month ago she would have argued that she was happy but now she knew that wasn’t true. She just hadn’t realised that something was missing from her life.
‘You spend all your time either at work or working on the house,’ Craig said. ‘We don’t do anything together and I don’t want to spend my life like that. We’re like flatmates. We don’t talk about anything other than this house and your plans for it. I thought moving to Sydney might give us a different purpose, something else to focus on, but I’ve been happier since you left.’
Poppy felt cut to the bone. ‘With Dee?’
He nodded. ‘I really did intend to speak to you. Life has to be better than what we had. I want passion, excitement. I want more.’
He wasn’t apologising. He didn’t sound sorry. She supposed no one should apologise for being happy. Or for being right.
There was no excitement in their relationship but that was what she’d thought she wanted. Right up until the moment Ryder had reappeared in her life.
She knew she’d been lying to herself. She wanted excitement. She wanted desire. She wanted that buzz.
But she also wanted stability and security. Could she have it all?
Stability, security and excitement?
Maybe not. But perhaps this was her chance to find out.
Could she explore things with Ryder without giving up her goals? Without giving up everything?
She knew that was impossible. There would be some risk. Was she brave enough?
* * *
Poppy turned her phone on as she walked off the plane, ready to let Lily know she’d arrived, but as she walked through the gate lounge she heard a familiar, but unexpected, voice.
‘Hey, how are you doing?’
‘Ryder!’ Poppy’s smile was wide and spontaneous. She’d been feeling like a complete fool but the unexpected sight of Ryder was enough to immediately cheer her up.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Lily got called into work,’ he said as he slung an arm around her shoulder as he walked beside her. Poppy almost missed a step as Ryder’s touch triggered the now familiar buzz of excitement and anticipation to burst through her. It didn’t escape her notice that this was the exact buzz that had been missing when she’d gone to see Craig. She’d tried to reason with herself as to why the buzz wasn’t necessary but she knew she was kidding herself. The buzz was addictive and she wanted more. ‘Jet and Daisy are working too,’ he continued, ‘so Lily asked me to collect you.’
Poppy wondered if that was true or if Lily was meddling. Her head was still spinning and she knew she didn’t have the capacity to work out what was going on. Did Ryder know what had happened?’
‘I could have taken a cab.’
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d want company. If you want to be alone I’ll drop you home and take off.’
She was quiet throughout the car trip. Sorting through her thoughts. Wondering how much to tell Ryder. He had always been a good listener, a sounding board, and she supposed he would be no different now, but did she want to discuss the drama of her love life, the failings of her relationship with him? She wasn’t sure.
She was still undecided when Ryder turned his car into Moore Street and pulled up in front of Lily’s house.
‘Thanks for the lift.’
‘No worries. What are you going to do now?’
There was nothing she needed to do. She was home a day earlier than planned so her time was her own but she felt caged. Restless. ‘I might go for a walk.’ It was early evening, still light, and a walk might help her to relax.
‘Would you like company?’
She nodded. ‘I would.’
Ryder’s company would be a good distraction. She was angry and upset but she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. He might be able to keep her mind off her own shortcomings.
She knew she didn’t love Craig so being rejected by him shouldn’t hurt but that wasn’t the case. She’d thought her heart was tougher than this. It wasn’t his infidelity that hurt her but his rejection of her. Once again, she’d been found to be undeserving of someone’s love.
* * *
‘Did Lily tell you what happened?’ Poppy asked as they headed along the cliff top walk towards Tamarama Beach.
‘Not exactly. She just said you’d had a shock and were flying back early. I assumed it had something to do with Craig.’
‘Craig and his boss.’
‘It’s a work thing?’
‘I guess that’s one way to look at it. Craig’s new boss was at our house when I arrived on Friday night. I hadn’t met her before and she wasn’t expecting to meet me. She was wearing one of Craig’s shirts and not much else. Turns out Craig is sleeping with his boss.’
‘Shit.’
‘It gets worse.’ It was easier to talk when they were walking side by side, looking out at the ocean. Much easier than sitting opposite each other at a table. She didn’t feel quite so foolish when she couldn’t see his expression.
‘What could be worse?’
‘He’s taken a new deal and he’s staying in Brisbane. He’s not coming to Sydney.’ It was strange how easily she could talk to Ryder but had never been able to really open up with anyone else. He knew things about her that even her own siblings didn’t.
‘Why is that worse? You don’t want him to move here now, do you?’
‘But I’m already here. I transferred to Sydney for him. I didn’t need to move.’ Even though her siblings were in Sy
dney she hadn’t really wanted to move. She hadn’t wanted to leave her house.
‘Being here isn’t the end of the world. You have a good job and your family is here. You can stay.’
‘But I had a life in Brisbane too and I gave it up for Craig. I thought I was giving it up for us, for our future together, but apparently I gave it up for nothing.’
‘I understand the situation sucks and it wasn’t what you expected but isn’t it better to know now what sort of person he is?’
‘What do you mean, “now”?’
‘Before you found yourself married with a couple of kids. Being cheated on is tough but better now than after you are married. It’s a lot harder to walk away then.’
‘It’s not that easy now.’
‘Of course it is.’
‘We have a house together,’ she argued.
‘It’s just a house.’
But it was more than that to her. How did she explain that it was the thought that she might lose her house that was upsetting her more than Craig’s actions? ‘I can’t believe that he took her home to my house.’
‘You’re more upset about where he cheated on you than over the fact he did cheat on you?’
Ryder’s tone suggested there was something wrong with her emotionally if she was more attached to her house than to her boyfriend of almost two years. Was he right?
‘He violated my privacy, my sanctuary. That’s what hurts the most. I didn’t want to rely on him and it turns out I shouldn’t have.’ By buying the house together she knew she had created a dependence on him financially but she’d thought they’d had the same end goal in sight. ‘I didn’t need him to love me, I just needed him to respect me.’
‘Everyone needs to be loved, Poppy.’
She shook her head. ‘No. Not me. I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want to be dependent on someone else for my emotional needs.’