Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  The waitress grabs my plate and spins around mumbling under her breath. I turn to Kimber at this point. Her hands are fidgeting on the surface of the table. I avert my eyes because Susan did that same thing all the time. When she was uncomfortable with something, she fidgeted. I glance over to Heidi who is still complaining about the waitress. When I turn back to Kimber she is squirming in her seat. Heidi leans over and whispers too loudly so I can hear every word, “Don’t worry. He’s an ass anyway, you already know this. I don’t know why you agreed to keep the date. It’s your own fault.”

  As she says the last word, the bell on the door rings again alerting that someone else has entered the restaurant. Heidi looks up but I watch Kimber. She doesn’t look; instead she looks into my eyes as if to apologize. Then I hear Heidi’s voice call out, “Oh yeah, this just got very interesting.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Kimber

  When I got home today it was worse than I thought it would be. Momma laid on the guilt thick. She told me she thought I had left her just like Jenna. Then she proceeded to yell at me for getting rid of her only peace these days, her bottle of vodka, and questioned where I had been all night. She accused me of sleeping around like ‘that girl’ as she refers to Heidi. I listened to every word without any response. I already felt horrible for staying out all night and it’s a moot point to defend Heidi to her. What she says about her is true to fact. She sleeps around and doesn’t give a shit about what people think. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much. I didn’t tell her where I was because I’m not quite sure how I feel about that part. In fact I’m not sure I’ll even tell Heidi that I stayed in Jordan’s motel room. For one, she’ll give me hell because nothing happened and second, I don’t know the answers to the questions that are bound to come out of her mouth about him.

  Once Momma was done with me I hit the shower and went to bed. I needed a nap because sleep took a while to come last night. Just thinking about him has me questioning what I did see in Andrew. Yes, Andrew is sexy and steamy but every time I think about him, my mind drifts to Jordan. I don’t know much about him and he wasn’t willing to share but he really puts Andrew to shame. Where Andrew is tall, Jordan is taller. Where Andrew is defined, Jordan is ripped . And where Andrew is sweet and caring, Jordan is a gentleman in comparison. I drift off wondering what it would be like to kiss him. I’m sure it would be heart stopping if just being around him brings up my body temperature.

  My cell phone vibrates on the table next to my bed waking me up. I grab for the phone expecting Heidi’s face to light up the screen but instead a number appears that I don’t recognize. I push the answer button and rub the sleep out of my eyes as I sit up, “Hello?”

  Andrew’s voice fills my ear, “Kimber, How are you?”

  Shit. Why in the hell is he calling me especially after taking off with some other chick last night? But really, we aren’t a couple. I have no reason to be upset.

  “Kimber? You there?”

  I clear my voice, “Um, yeah, hi Andrew.”

  “I was calling to make sure we’re still on for tonight.”

  “Uh, yeah, I guess we are. What are we doing?” I’m so confused. Why is he even bothering with me? Do I really want to go out with him? Thoughts of Jordan skitter through my mind.

  “Kimber, did you hear me?”

  I rush out, “Oh, ah, sorry, no. What did you say?”

  His voice turns concerned, “Are you alright? Should I call you later?”

  “No! I mean, I just, just woke up from a nap. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. You probably needed a nap. How about we meet at Mary’s Diner at 6:30 for something to eat then we can decide what to do after that?”

  “Okay, see you then.” I hang up as fast as I can. What the hell Kimber? Why would you even agree to see him?

  I immediately get on the phone to Heidi.

  She chides me the minute I tell her I’m going through with the date, “Kimber Maguire, have you learned nothing from me? If a man is seeing other women, you do not agree to a date.”

  I chuckle, “No, you did not just say that. Since when are you into one woman men? You sleep with just about anything that walks.”

  She clucks her tongue at me, “No Kimber, I do not. I will only sleep with them if they are unattached. No one, I have had a casual thing with has blatantly flaunted in front of me that they are seeing other people. The men I sleep with know that if they want to keep getting a taste of Heidi, they better keep whoever else they’re tasting; on the down and low.”

  I shake my head at her. I think she gets cruder with age.

  “Okay Heidi, but really it was just secondhand information. Becca said she saw him leave with Dana. I didn’t actually see him.”

  “Whatever you say, I’m coming with you though. You need a copilot to tell you no.”

  I hiss at her, “I’m a grown woman, I need no such thing. I can handle things. Weren’t you the one telling me that I needed to hit that, referring to Andrew?”

  “Well that was before certain, other developments happened,” She coughs and says, “Jordan.”

  I knew it would come up. I don’t have an answer for her though, let alone myself. I know he is intriguing but I’m not sure if anything else is there. The more I think about today with my broken car, the more I keep telling myself that he was just doing what he was obviously raised to do. He was being nice and making sure I could get home, that is all.

  “Hello Kimber, you still there?”

  “Yeah, you don’t need to come. I’ll be fine.”

  “I’ll be at your house around 6:10, see ya then.” And she hangs up. Did I mention how frustrating she is?

  ***

  When we get to the diner, I walk in first and scan the room for Andrew. He’s not here but I notice Jordan immediately. He is still dressed in the black shirt and jeans from this morning and he looks tired. When my eyes rove over to him, he meets my gaze. His intense blue eyes seem to bore through me. I feel as if he can see right through me. Looking away back to Heidi, I tell her, “I don’t think this was a good idea.”

  She looks up spotting Jordan and smiles. I can tell it’s her sneaky smile and I already know what’s going through her head before she even acts. She takes my hand and pulls me in the direction of the booth where Jordan is sitting. When we get there she asks him if he’s going to ask us to join him. Of course as nice as he is, he asks if we will join him, calling us ladies. She pushes me in and I’m completely embarrassed at her outburst about the shepherd’s pie. I agree with her, it’s completely inedible but everything with Heidi is a show. She has to put so much drama into all aspects of her life and mine.

  When I squirm uncomfortably, Jordan looks over at me like he’s concerned but then he looks away suddenly as if a wave of sadness just hit him. I’m about to turn and tell Heidi we need to leave when the bell on the door rings and she exclaims, “Oh yeah, this just got very interesting.”

  I just want to sink into the booth and disappear. I know Andrew is now in the diner. I look across the table and apologize as much as I can to Jordan with a look, for my rude best friend and for whatever might go down in the next few minutes.

  Heidi grabs my hand under the table and squeezes before saying sweetly, “Well hello Andrew, fancy meeting you here.”

  I risk a glance in Andrew’s direction and he’s staring at me, frowning. I can’t let her go on; she’ll make us all suffer at her expense. I squeeze her hand back clenching it too tightly and exclaim in the sweetest voice I can muster, “Hi Andrew, it’s so good to see you. Heidi, will you excuse me so I can get out of the booth?”

  Pulling her hand away, she looks over at me shocked and whispers, “Ow Kimber, that hurt.”

  I plant a smile across my face and stare at her intently. She huffs and scoots out of the booth. I grab her hand again softly this time and tell her, “Thanks for the ride Heidi.”

  She whispers back, “I don’t think this is a good idea. What about Jordan? I think he r
eally likes you.”

  I shake my head, glaring at her, “No, he’s just a nice guy being generous. You practically bullied him into letting us sit down.”

  I turn to Andrew before she can say anything else to change my mind and ask, “Are you ready? I think maybe we should go and eat somewhere else.”

  He nods and gestures for me to walk ahead of him to the door. That trek to the exit seems to last forever and the only things running through my mind are Heidi’s words, “I think he likes you.” If he did like me, he doesn’t now. I’ve gone and ruined it.

  Once we step out into the hot air Andrew’s hand lands open palmed in the center of my back. I have a sudden urge to squirm away and run back into the diner. But what would that prove; that I’m just a crazy chick with all kinds of problems. Instead, I plaster that smile on again and slide into the car when he unlocks the door.

  He doesn’t say a word when he gets in. Instead he starts the car and drives out onto the road that will take us to Interstate 30. Once there he turns opposite of down town. I look over curious as to where we’re going. He explains without looking at me, “This town suddenly got a little crowded. I think we’ll go over to Mount Pleasant and find somewhere else to eat.”

  I look away ashamed because he feels uncomfortable but he shouldn’t because there is nothing between Jordan and I. Wow, what is happening to me? Usually I have no problems speaking my mind. I turn in my seat and face him, “Andrew, what is the deal?”

  His voice takes on an angry tone, “Well Kimber let’s see. We make plans to meet for dinner and you’re sitting with some dude when I get there.”

  Anger starts to surface in me. I put my hand on his arm and tell him, “Can you pull over for a minute?”

  He averts his eyes briefly to look over at me. He gauges how serious I am and sighs pulling to the side of the road just before the on ramp to the highway.

  “Andrew, I don’t know what this is between us. I heard last night at the Duck that you were there and suddenly you weren’t. Then tonight this jealous thing you have going on, the guy at the table was no one. Heidi met him last night at the Duck and she asked if we could sit down.” I close my mouth quickly realizing that I actually shouldn’t have to explain anything and really it’s none of his business who Jordan is.

  He turns to look at me, leaning closer.

  “Kimber, I’d like us to be something. I thought you understood that when I asked you to go out with me tonight.”

  “I thought that was the case but then I hear you left with Dana last night.”

  As soon as this leaves my lips, I regret it. Thinking about it, I really don’t care. Suddenly as if something has been switched inside me, a relationship with Andrew does nothing for me.

  He leans forward without answering me and places his hand on my cheek. His face moves so close his breath splays across my lips. I force myself to look into his eyes. He looks at me intently but it’s not the look I want. Bright blue eyes flash in my mind. I pull my face away from his grasp and his lips that were only a few inches away.

  I glance out the window and tell him, “Andrew, can you just take me home?”

  His voice sounds frustrated, “Kimber, why do you do this? You can’t ever make up your mind. We aren’t exclusive. Dana came onto me last night but it didn’t mean anything.”

  I whip my head around to look at him in shock, “You mean you did leave with Dana last night. I practically jumped your bones and you wanted nothing to do with me. Here Dana comes onto you and you go home with her.”

  I shake my head, knowing now for sure that Andrew doesn’t deserve the pedestal I always put him on.

  “Andrew, just take me home.”

  “Come on, Kimber. You’ve always been the one I wanted. When you broke it off I had a really hard time coping.”

  I jump in, ”So you slept with everything that came near you. I knew it. I didn’t want to believe it but…good to know.”

  “Dammit, Kimber, Why do you have to be such a snob? You know it was always supposed to be you and me. I thought when I came back we could finally make it work. I gave you the space I thought you wanted.”

  “Then why did you go with Dana if you were so sure?”

  “That’s it, I wasn’t sure. You’re always doing the best thing for everyone else but when are you going to do what’s best for you? I wanted you so bad that night but I didn’t want it to be just a one night thing. I asked you to go out with me tonight so we could start over. But here we are arguing and we haven’t even started anything yet. I don’t know what you want.”

  I glance into his sad eyes knowing that I’ve hurt him once again, without even meaning to.

  I whisper, “I don’t know either.”

  He shifts the car into gear without a word and turns it back toward town. He doesn’t utter another word until we are in the dirt drive in front of my house. A light shines in Momma’s bedroom window. I put my hand on the door handle and push. As I’m about to get out of the car he rests his hand on my arm so I turn to look over. He softly tells me, “When you do decide what you want, I might not be here.”

  I nod, “I know.” And I climb out of the car, watching him back out before turning to the house. I feel remorse for having hurt Andrew again but it’s better this way. I refuse to lead him on.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jordan

  The scene that played out between Heidi and Kimber could have been from a book. Kimber was obviously annoyed with her friend and embarrassed by her. I understood as soon as the black haired dude walked up to the table and directed his attention to Kimber. A feeling came over me when she left with him. I’m pretty sure it was jealousy which I’m pretty pissed at myself for feeling.

  Then as if my thoughts not being in the right place weren’t enough, Heidi sat back down and watched me eat the burger that replaced the shepherd’s pie. She apologized profusely for being rude and assured me over and over that the guy Kimber left with was nobody, and definitely not her boyfriend. A part of me was relieved to hear it but I still wondered why she left with him. Finally, she got the hint, when I didn’t respond, that the conversation was one sided so she left. Now I’m determined to head straight back to the motel and get a good night’s sleep.

  ***

  When Monday rolls around I’m looking forward to going back to the ranch. I didn’t take yesterday off as Mr. Bruin had suggested. He put me to work which helped keep my mind off of not only Susan but also the thoughts that keep creeping in about Kimber. The vision of her reluctance to leave the diner Saturday night keeps running through my mind. As much as I try to push her out, those stormy eyes keep popping back into my head.

  I pull up to the house as I’ve done the past three mornings. Mr. Bruin comes down the steps and walks out to the barn with me. Today Joe directs me to get Gypsy ready. We’re riding out to herd the cattle to the outer fields. I’m eager to get back up on a horse. It’s been a while since I’ve ridden. When I was nine and my sister Corrine was seven, my parents took us for horseback riding lessons. My sister loved it more than I did. She ended up competing until she was seventeen. I learned how to play polo and played occasionally at the club but that is the extent of it.

  I climb up onto Gypsy as soon as I saddle her up. She is a sweet horse. Mike has already given me hassle for the liking she has taken to me, as he put it. I follow Joe out. He’s on a brown and white stud named Link. He states while we ride out to the nearest pasture, “You aren’t a stranger to horses, huh?”

  I don’t comment on his implication. The less they know about me, the better.

  He probes further, “Where’d you say you learned to ride?”

  “I didn’t.”

  A frown knits across his brow but he looks ahead. Besides giving me direction to herd the cows, he doesn’t mention anything personal again. The day goes pretty fast. Around mid-day when we’re about to break for lunch my phone vibrates. I reach for it as Joe announces that he’s heading back to the barn, and turns Link around.
He doesn’t look back as I answer my phone. I’m distracted by Gypsy so I don’t look at the screen to see who it is.

  “Hello.”

  “Jordan, hi it’s Dan, Susan’s father.”

  My heart falters at the mention of her name out loud. Then confusion fills me temporarily making me speechless.

  “Jordan, son, are you there?”

  Pain spreads at his choice of words, as if the wound is newly opened.

  I stutter, “Y…Yes, hi Mr. Weller.” I don’t bother to ask how he is. I can tell by the tone in his voice that he’s still hurting but trying to mask it. The same thing I’m doing 150 miles away in a town where I’m a nobody. I run my hand through my hair and lean over trying to catch my breath that has suddenly sped up.

  “Jordan, I was calling, well your mother said you were out of town for a while. I wanted to call and find out when you plan on coming back.”

  I frown at this. Unless my parents asked him to call, he really has no reason.

  “Um, Mr. Weller, I have something I need to do. I can’t talk right now.”

  “Sorry, I just wanted to have that talk with you, son. It can wait though. Give me a call when you get back into town.”

  “I’ll do that sir.”

  I press the end button, curious about what this is all about. The day of her funeral, he wanted to talk but I wasn’t ready. That must be it. I didn’t think anything of it. I slide the phone back into my pocket and turn to Gypsy, patting her head. I have the feeling suddenly that someone is staring at me. I look around and Joe is across the field waiting with Link looking over in my direction. He was out of ear shot but I know he must be wondering what I’m doing. I can only imagine what he thinks now with my reaction to the phone call.

  I nudge Gypsy and she trots over to Joe and Link. Joe nods at me and turns in the direction of the barn. After a few horse lengths he turns and calls over his shoulder, “Jordan, we’re a family here, if you need to talk anytime.”

  I meet his stare and nod. My heart feels as if it’s been trampled on all over again. They say time heals but I’m not so sure.