Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  I argue, “But you told me that night there was nothing wrong with her.”

  “I know Jordan. She wanted to tell you. She made us promise to let her tell you in her own time. This is why we wouldn’t allow her to move in with you yet. We wanted to make sure she was taking her medicine. We had a deal with her; when she told you, she would be free to go as long as you agreed to help monitor her meds.”

  Mrs. Weller cuts him off, “We had to do this because during her senior year in high school she decided she didn’t need the medicine and stopped taking it. She ended up at the hospital with slits in her wrists. Luckily, she didn’t cut anything major.”

  I fall back into the chair dumbfounded by what they are saying to me. I can’t focus on anything except the envelope in my hands that suddenly feels hot to the touch. I don’t want to open it but a part of me has to know. I’ve been blaming myself for her death this whole time.

  Her dad’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts, “Jordan, I wanted to tell you that day that it wasn’t your fault. It was ours.” He places his arm around his wife’s shoulders and pulls her to him kissing the top of her head before continuing.

  “That night at the club in the bathroom, I became aware because of you, that she wasn’t taking her medicine again. On the way home we confronted her. She was defensive at first claiming we were ruining her night. But when we threatened to call you and tell you, she admitted she hadn’t been taking them and promised she would go and take them as soon as we arrived home.” His voice cracks, “One of us should have supervised her. We should have made sure.”

  Anger wells in my chest at them but also at Susan for not telling me. We were together for three years. Three fucking years and she could have told me anytime. I glare over at her parents, “This is your fault but it’s also hers. If you would have just told me that night...I thought…”

  I can’t finish before the tears start streaming down my cheeks. I push myself up in a rush, grab a bottle from the bar and walk out into the crisp air. The moon is half full casting a warm glow across the perfectly manicured lawn, unlike the rest of Texas where the grass is brown and dry, just another example of my parents and how their money talks.

  I stumble through the night, unsure of where I’m going. In one hand is the bottle frequently meeting my lips taking big gulps and in the other is the envelope I hold onto as tightly as I can. My feet take me to the dimly lighted gazebo on the other side of the property. I crash onto a bench and set the bottle down next to me. I turn the envelope over and over in my hands finally gently tearing the seal, the soft sound echoing through my head. I carefully pull out the folded piece of paper inside and hold it up to my nose. It didn’t absorb her smell, the jasmine close by fills my nostrils instead. Taking a deep breath I unfold the paper as my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. Her unmistakable handwriting screams at me before I can focus on the words.

  Dear Jordan,

  I am so sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t tell you about my illness and more than anything else I am sorry that I put you through this pain. You are the most wonderful man I have ever met and I cherish every single moment that we’ve spent together. When you proposed you made me the happiest woman in the world. You were my protector from everything and everyone except myself. I’ve decided that you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve to have to watch me every moment to see if I’m going to slip. You don’t deserve to start your life with someone already so damaged. Jordan tonight I am setting you free. I’m tired, tired of fighting and I just want it to stop. I know you will blame yourself, please don’t. This is my fault. I’m not perfect and I’m tired of pretending I am. Please promise that you will go on with your life and live it for the both of us, the way life is supposed to be.

  I love you,

  Susan

  By the time I finish reading the letter four times, I’m out of energy and my eyes are blurry from the tears threatening to spill out. I knew what the letter would say but her words hit me so hard. If only I would have known, I could have helped. I sit silently, listening to the crickets chirp nearby as the darkness settles further. I have a sudden need to see Kimber, to be somewhere other than here. But instead of getting up because that would require energy, which has leaked out of me completely, I lean back against the hard wood and tip the bottle, savoring the warmth trailing down my throat.

  ***

  I wake to a clacking sound against the hardwood and the warmth of the rising sun. The air is thickening, making it hard to breath. Before I open my eyes I know where I am, still in the gazebo. I’m thankful my parents didn’t come out to wake me up. When I roll over I forget how narrow the bench is and fall to the floor knocking the breath out of me. My mom’s worried voice follows with her hand on my arm, “Jordan are you alright?”

  I nod and squint into the rising sun. She helps me stand up on wobbly legs. I really overdid the drinking last night. I think I still might be drunk. She stoops down, picking up the letter and holds it out to me. I fold it, placing it back into the envelope and pocket it. She looks up into my face with a pained expression full of sympathy. I definitely can’t stay. As soon as I kick this hangover, I’m out of here. She loops her arm through mine and we walk toward the house without a word. No words are necessary. The Weller’s visit last night revealed terrible news but it still doesn’t change the fact that Susan is gone from our lives.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Kimber

  I roll over to the sound of Momma’ s scratchy voice, “Kimber, better get yer butt up. Mrs. Bruin is a savior, don’t want to disappoint her.”

  Did she really just say that? I have half a mind to run in there and tell her she doesn’t even know the half of it; that we would be on the street if it weren’t for Mrs. Bruin. But instead I roll over and pull the pillow over my head, trying to drown out her incessant harassment. My mind drifts to Jordan and how his incredible body moved lithely through the field yesterday. His shirt was slung over his shoulder displaying perfectly, darkened skin. He is starting to look like the others with a permanent tan from working out in the sun all day. I shake myself out of it and curse my stupid mind. Jordan is off limits. I worried last night that maybe he’s left and gone back to Dallas, that is if he really is from Dallas. He could have been telling everyone a story.

  I slide out from my blanket and tip-toe to the bathroom. Momma is still talking loudly as if we’re having a conversation. I’m about to close the bathroom door when I hear her voice lower uttering, “Yeah, just bring it by around eleven.”

  I’m tempted to march out there and demand to know who is coming and what they are bringing but I already have the answer to the second part of that question. I suspect who it is she is talking to. I close the door on her conversation and make the decision to call Jenna on the way to class. So help me if she is still bringing Momma alcohol, I’m going to kill her.

  Jenna picks up on the first ring when I call her.

  “Hey Kimber, what’s up?”

  I start in on her, full of fury, “I can’t believe you. I thought I got the point across that you are not to come to the house.”

  Silence spreads then her voice turns defensive, ”First off, I can come to the house if I want to. I grew up there too and she is my momma too. But I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about. I’m not going to the house.”

  “Well then who is? I overheard her talking to someone on the phone telling them to come at eleven.”

  Jenna replies with, “I have no idea Kimber, but it’s not me.”

  I take a deep breath knowing that I am probably going to regret my next question but I’m pretty much out of options. “Jenna, can you come at eleven then to intercept whoever it is? She doesn’t need any more bottles.” My voice softens, “I’m watching it kill her.”

  “Um, yeah I guess I can. You know she’s gonna kick me out as soon as I get there?”

  “I know, just make sure she doesn’t get any more alcohol. She’s gotta kick this.”

  I
hang up half relieved that Jenna will be here. I’m not totally confident in her ability to keep it away from Momma but she’ll have to do.

  I pull up to the college and look up just as Andrew is crossing the parking lot. Somehow seeing him makes me yearn for Jordan. Dammit! I climb out of the car with my head angled down and walk straight to class. When I enter the room, I look up to find a seat and meet Andrew’s gaze. He is staring at me, with that longing stare. I look away sorry I ever started anything with him in the first place. Way to go Kimber.

  Andrew has pretty much taken over the class now. Dr. Jones either sits in the corner observing or he’s not even present. A few times during the lecture, Andrew’s eyes land on me. It makes me squirm. I was pretty clear with him; maybe he didn’t get the memo.

  As class is ending, I rush to gather my things but I’m too late. He climbs the two steps to my seat and stands, looking down at me. It brings back de`ja`vu’ from that day he showed back up in my life. He asks quietly, “Kimber, can we talk?”

  I stare at the floor, knowing that if I look up I’ll agree.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. We already talked, remember?” I can’t help it at this point; I peek up at him to gauge his reaction.

  “I know, we did. I think we can make it work though.”

  Oh my fucking God! Is he really saying this to me? Why does no one in this place ever take my word at face value? I place my hand on his chest, big mistake. He grasps my hand in his lovingly. I pull my hand away and turn from him. I can tell he is following me out the door. When I get out into the warm air I turn around to find him just a step behind me. I back up and explain as calmly as my temper will allow, “Andrew, you are a wonderful person. We were really good together in high school but we aren’t anymore. There is no more us so please, you have my blessing, move on.”

  He glares at me and asks, “Is this about that new guy around town? I heard some things but I didn’t believe them. But it’s true isn’t it? You fucked him. A new guy comes to town and you jump his bones the first chance you get.”

  I wince at his accusation but also because I didn’t think of it like that. I had sex with Jordan but I didn’t exactly see it as I fucked him. That’s what Heidi does often, right? No feelings involved. My eyes fill up with the emotion this all brings up in me. I hiss at him, pointing my finger into his chest, “If you don’t remember, I’ll refresh your memory. Not long ago, I jumped you and you wanted nothing to do with me so don’t give me crap. If you’re jealous, fine be jealous but don’t be pissed at me cause you had your chance and it’s passed you by.”

  Just as the first tear spills, I hear Heidi’s voice in my ear and feel her hand around my arm, “Hey Kimber, c’mon, we’re gonna be late for class.”

  I let her pull me away, glaring at Andrew the whole way. A grimace settles over his features and he calls behind us, “You two are meant to be together, sluts.”

  Heidi turns around and steps in his direction but I grab her arm and mutter, “Class remember? He’s not worth it.”

  She hugs me to her side as we walk to class. She calls out to all the widened eyes along the path and halls, “Show’s over. Get a life.”

  ***

  When I get to the ranch, I feel rotten. My sister didn’t pick up when I tried calling to make sure she made it over to the house. And the whole Andrew bit? If more is to come today, it might just push me over the edge.

  Mrs. Bruin is baking away today for a church event the next day so I am once again in charge of the boys. This time, I talk them into going to the lake. I know it won’t make things any better but I just want to see Jordan. If only from afar, I’ll be satisfied. But when we get to the lake the fields are empty except for the cows and horses off in the distance. I lay in the grass for a good hour until Michael begs me too many times to jump in with them.

  Once we get back to the house, Mrs. Bruin is waiting with a plate for Momma letting me go home early. I want to know where Jordan is but I’m scared to ask. I have a horrible feeling he left and he’s not coming back. As mad as I am at him, I don’t know that it sits well with me.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Jordan

  I drive to the motel in the evening after the alcohol from last night wears off. My mom was severely upset that I was leaving so soon but I have no reason to be there anymore. My place is somewhere else as I remember the night with Kimber. It wasn’t something that I planned but now that it happened I’m sure it wasn’t just a one night fling. When she’s around, I forget about things. She’s a bright light when everything else is darkened. I need that bright light and I need to somehow prove that I am worthy of her to forgive me.

  When I enter the Ugly Duckling, a high shrilled voice calls out, “Oh man, there he is now, speak of the devil.”

  I know it’s Heidi calling out and I’m convinced she’s talking about me. I make my way over to the bar and lean in next to her. She eyes me curiously waving her hand around, “You’re in trouble big boy. By the way, where have you been?”

  I slide into the stool and shake my head while searching the room for Kimber. Derek comes into my line of vision telling me, “It’s not a good idea dude. She doesn’t want to see you.”

  I take a deep breath and explain, “It was a misunderstanding. Can you just get her so I can explain?”

  Heidi starts laughing next to me. I turn to glare at her and she laughs harder. “Have you learned nothing about Kimber since you’ve been here? She holds grudges and you are the recipient of one right now. It’s probably best you head out and go to bed. Maybe try again tomorrow.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in the stool. Derek turns the other way and Heidi starts talking to another girl on her other side of her. I notice it’s the same girl that gave me Kimber’s phone number. This brings to mind her phone. I pull my phone out to call her. She answers on the first ring and starts before I can say anything, ”Jordan, go home. I don’t want to see you.”

  She sounds as if she’s been crying and her words echo. I shift in my chair looking to see where the bathroom is while I plead with her, “Please Kimber, let me explain.”

  I get up and start walking toward the bathrooms. She sniffles and hisses, “No, I don’t want to see you. Go home so I don’t lose my job.”

  A few more steps and I’m at the women’s bathroom door. Before I enter, I tell her, “I’m not going anywhere so you should come out and face me.”

  Exasperation colors her words, “Why can’t you just go?”

  She stops and glances over as I enter the room. She lowers the phone and hits end. Her eyes are red –rimmed. It breaks my heart that I am the one that made them that way. Standing here staring at her with her hair a mess and her mascara running down her cheeks as tears trickle down, I make my decision. I can’t hurt her again. I can’t let her get hurt again. Something within me moves out of the darkness at the sight of her. I move forward and pull her into my arms. She tries to push away but gives up after a minute. Her body seems to fall into me as if out of energy. I hold her tighter as she nuzzles my neck and cries quietly. After a few minutes I pull away and wipe the streaks from her cheeks while gazing into her eyes.

  I confess firmly, “I will tell you everything. It’s going to be tough but I don’t want to lose you.”

  She looks doe-eyed into my stare and Derek’s words ring through my head, smitten. Yes I am smitten with this woman.

  I finally coax her out of the bathroom. When we enter the bar Heidi stands up on her stool and starts clapping. Kimber looks up shooting a death glare at her.

  She exclaims, “Well excuse me. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen when the guy follows you into the bathroom and gets you to come out? It happens in the movies that way. Whatever, you people are no fun.” She climbs down and turns her attention elsewhere for the moment.

  I follow Kimber through the back of the building out a side door that opens up to a small alley between the Ugly Duckling and a building that houses a veterina
rian. The narrow space has a dumpster on one end and boxes stacked against the side of the building on the other. She grabs my hand and pulls me across the alley. She leans against the other building looking up into my eyes, and divulges with passion, “Jordan, the other night was incredible. I don’t do that, ever.”

  I lower my face to hers before she can say anything else. She kisses me hungrily when my lips meet hers. I raise both of my hands and rest them gently on her cheeks. When we pull away breathless, I whisper, “This is more than that night we spent together. I need you. When I came here I was in a very dark place. You’ve pulled me away from that dark as if you are a beacon of light guiding me to a safer place.”

  She melts into me and tears stream down her face once again. I pull away, “Hey, don’t cry, I mean it. I know we can survive without each other but I don’t know that I want to.”

  Her hand rests on my cheek and she tells me, “Jordan Rhodes, I want this so bad but I’m scared. Can you help me to not be afraid?” I nod as a lump rises in my throat.

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Kimber

  A half hour into my shift, Heidi called out, announcing Jordan’s entrance. I rushed to the bathroom determined to stay there as long as I had to. What I hadn’t planned on was him seeking me out.

  When he walked in I was pissed. Before I had a chance to react though, he pulled me into a tight embrace. I tried to get away but he wouldn’t let go so I gave up and the waterworks started. He tenderly wiped away my tears and told me, “I will tell you everything. It’s going to be tough but I don’t want to lose you.”

  Those words were like music to my ears. But I wonder what could be so horrible that he would walk away rather than talk about it? He leads me out of the bathroom to Heidi’s cheering and some shit about the way it is in the movies. She has some nerve. I know she blabbed her mouth around town because Jenna called me today to give me hell about Jordan. Word spreads around this place like wild fire. My best friend needs to reel herself in.