Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  I pull Jordan through the side door into the alley. It’s smelly and dirty but it provides privacy. I lean against the wall on the other side and tell him trying not to let any more tears fall, “Jordan last night was incredible but I don’t do that, ever.”

  This is something he needs to know. I don’t sleep with just anyone. Before I can elaborate though, he kisses me and I savor the taste of him, deepening the kiss. How did I let this happen? My feelings for him are like a puddle spread out before me that keeps spreading and I can’t pull it back. It’s as if it snuck up on me and overtook me. Now that I’ve made that step forward, I can’t turn back.

  He breaks our connection and whispers, “This is more than the other night. I need you. When I came here I was in a very dark place. You’ve pulled me away from that dark as if you are a beacon of light guiding me to a safer place.”

  His words render me senseless and the tears start again. He pulls back quickly and utters, “Hey, don’t cry, I mean it. I know we can survive without each other but I don’t know that I want to.”

  I move my hand up to his cheek and tell him, “Jordan Rhodes, I want this so bad but I’m scared. Can you help me to not be afraid?”

  He takes a breath and nods. His forehead rests against mine. The feelings inside me for this man scare me half to death but I don’t want to run away anymore. For the first time in my life, I want to stay, as long as he is here with me. I back away and look up into his eyes and ask him, “Can I come to your motel after work tonight?”

  His eyes light up as he leans in closer, “I’d have it no other way,” and he kisses me softly.

  When we part, I grab his hand, squeezing tightly before letting go to turn back toward the Duck and the hours that I know will stretch out into forever.

  He calls out, “Kimber?”

  I look back and his face is serious. He confides, “I’m going to explain everything to you tonight.”

  I nod, smiling. He doesn’t smile back. It’s almost as if a pain just shot through him, sorrow takes over his features. I wonder what could be so horrible to create so much grief.

  He doesn’t follow me back into the bar, nor does he come in all night. Heidi is still here when I walk back behind the counter. She has a smirk on her face as she demands, “Alright fess up. I didn’t hang around here for the company. I need juicy details, all of them.”

  My frustration at her rises but I decide she’s just Heidi. I try to smile and play along. I love her to pieces but some of the crap she does is unbelievable.

  “I’m not kissing and telling.” I tease.

  “Come on Kimber.” She glances over at Derek who isn’t looking at us but I know he’s listening. He has nothing better to do. It’s pretty dead in here.

  “Hey Derek, you wanna hear the deets too, don’t you? Tell her. You are, after all, the one who told her to go after him last night.”

  I look at him incredulously. Can no one around here keep their fucking mouth closed? He looks up innocently and gestures to himself as if he wasn’t just listening. He looks away quickly when he spots my glare.

  She laughs, “Come on, you were just telling me how guilty you would feel if it doesn’t work out with them because you told her to follow him.”

  I spin around, not wanting to hear any more. Apparently my business is everybody’s business.

  “Aww Kimber, don’t get mad. Nothing worthwhile ever happens in this place. You’re smack in the middle of a real life romantic story, right out of the pages of one of those smut books my momma reads.”

  I concentrate on washing out mugs at the sink and not Heidi’s constant badgering. I get through a few then Derek asks, “Can you just tell us if everything is okay? I feel real bad for pushing you if it isn’t.”

  I look up, meeting his stare and smile nodding, “Everything is fine.”

  He nods in acknowledgement and Heidi calls out, “Hallelujah, Kimber’s got a boy toy!”

  I shake my head at her and continue to ignore her banter.

  When my watch reads 12:00, Derek tells me to leave. I don’t have to be told twice. Rushing to my car, I check my phone for messages. The first is from Jordan, telling me that he looks forward to tonight. The other text is from Heidi with a picture of a hot guy and her caption below it, ‘Don’t do anybody I wouldn’t do. The sky is the limit in that case. Have fun tonight.’ God she is so crass.

  I text Jordan letting him know I’m on my way and hop into the car, leaning forward to run my hand along the dash. I tell my little car, “You can do it baby. I know you can.”

  I think the car will be alright for a while thanks to the new battery and Jordan. Five minutes later, I turn into the parking lot of the motel and find a space next to his car. When I get out, I spot him standing in the doorway of his room. He is so gorgeous. His jeans are slung low with a dark grey t shirt hugging his upper body.

  I worry briefly about the motel though. My heart skips a beat as my mind wanders. If he hasn’t gotten a more permanent living arrangement, maybe he isn’t planning on staying. This thought forms a rock in my stomach. I know we have to talk tonight and get everything out in the open and I’m going to have to share some things that I would rather not.

  As I walk towards him I notice his features still display that sadness I saw earlier. He greets me when I’m close enough with a quick kiss mumbling, ”Thank you for coming.”

  He turns back into the room, holding the door to let me pass through. I spin around uneasily and explain, “Jordan, I think we both have some things to say. I think we should get everything out in the open.”

  He takes a step forward, peering down at me, “I think you’re right.” He stops for a minute and stares, taking in my face,” but you need to hear what I have to say. If you want to tell me things after that, you can.”

  I take a step back, lowering myself into the chair by the window. The vinyl cushion sinks as I move to perch on the edge. He turns away from me. I can see the muscles in his back flex as he runs his hand through his hair. He takes a deep breath and faces me again. I can see anguish in his eyes. I want to hold him and comfort him but I can tell he is bracing himself for this. I’m scared to hear whatever he has to say. What if it is something so terrible and I can’t bear it? I almost want to tell him not to enlighten me because this thing with us is so new and I don’t want it to end.

  His voice is strained when he starts, “I grew up in Dallas with a very affluent family. We frequented the country club, the polo fields, and social parties. We had a housekeeper who doubled as my second mother. She did most of the raising of my sister and I. It was always expected that I’d go to college and that I would graduate to take over my father’s tech company when he retired.”

  He stops for a moment and sits in the chair across from me.

  “When I did go off to college I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. Taking over the family business didn’t really appeal to me but I thought I’d give it a shot. During my second year at school I met someone. She made me see things differently. I wanted to be someone different from what was expected because of her. We discovered that we grew up close. Actually very close, our parents socialized at the same country club. We just never happened to meet.”

  At this point, my heart is beating a hundred miles a minute. Of course the worst scenarios appear in my mind. He’s married and in a terrible divorce or married and now he’s cheated on her with me. I’m already shocked at this revelation about his life. My nerves are jittery as I wait for the other shoe to drop.

  “Her name was Susan. I loved her Kimber. I need you to know that.”

  I nod and my heart falters. He loves someone else. I want to run but I plant my feet firmly resisting the urge. I can feel the tears about to spill out.

  “We dated for three years and then I proposed. We were engaged to be married and I couldn’t have been happier. She took her own life the night I officially asked in front of our friends and family. There was something wrong, and at the time I didn’t
know what it was. I felt as if I failed to help her.”

  He stops and stares at the floor unmoving. His hands rest lifelessly by his sides. I’m stunned and heartbroken for him. This is farther than anything I could have ever imagined. I’m not sure what I should feel. I’m remorseful that he lost her but also crestfallen that he’s loved someone else so much. Is he capable of loving like that again?

  He looks up at me, “I came here because I had to get away. It was too much and there were too many reminders of her. I was home yesterday to speak with her parents. They had something they needed to tell me and this.” He places a folded, worn envelope on the table.

  “She was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder in high school. I didn’t know about it until yesterday. She was off her meds when she did it. I’ve blamed myself this whole time because I suspected something was wrong and I felt I had failed her by not getting her help soon enough. But she knew Kimber, she knew she was getting worse and without her meds…”

  He pushes the envelope encouraging me to open it. I gently unfold it and read the heartbreaking words. Tears start pouring from my eyes for his pain. When I look up he’s silent and lifeless.

  I’m rendered speechless. I want to close the distance and hold him but I’m not sure if he wants that. He still loves her and misses her. This realization hits me hard. He’s already found his person and she left him. My feelings for him have become something I can’t contain. I’m not sure he could ever feel about me the way I feel about him.

  I look up into his stare and see his pain. I decide it doesn’t matter right now. He’s hurting and I want to help him take his suffering away in any way that I can. I get up and step forward taking his head in my arms, cradling him against my chest. His arms lock around my back as he takes deep heaving breaths. Silent tears run down my cheeks for this man that I have fallen in love with. Admitting that to myself pushes the water from my eyes more rapidly.

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Jordan

  Telling Kimber about Susan was so much more painful than I could have imagined. I feel the agony that is constantly there like a dull ache in my heart at the loss of Susan. But while I told her a new burn appeared, this one for Kimber. The last thing I would ever do is hurt her but I watched her face as I explained about Susan. Her features became shaded and distressed. As I spoke, I felt like I should stop but she deserves to know. She needs to know. To know that I was completely in love with Susan and that she is still a part of my life.

  When she stood up, I thought she was going to run. But instead she came over to me to comfort me. In that moment, warmth spread over me and something else that seemed foreign. I had the urge to be the one consoling her. Awareness hit me that Susan is gone. I will mourn her loss forever but here and now in my arms is this incredible woman who needs me. She is so selfless in just the small bits I know of her life. It’s time someone does things for her.

  I draw back and look up into her delicate face. Small wet streaks line her cheeks. I reach up with one hand keeping the other arm around her, and gently caress the skin under her darkened eyes. She blinks trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill out. Her stare asks me a thousand questions. I answer with one swoop of my arms, lifting her up and carrying her to the bed. When I set her down, I tell her in a whisper leaning down into her ear, “Kimber, let me comfort and take care of you.”

  She frowns and I answer with a deep kiss. She brings her hands up running them through my hair as a small cry escapes her lips into mine. I move down her neck, trailing my tongue softly along her perfect and flawless skin. My hands slide down her sides, caressing, causing a sigh. I feel her body relax under me as I move further down, kissing every inch of bare skin along her neck and arms. I slowly lift her tank top and continue kissing her taut flat stomach. My hands glide further to the button on her shorts. I deftly unhook them, pulling swiftly down her legs. When our eyes meet, my heart skips a beat. She is so incredible and I am so lucky to have found her. I move my hands up her legs, touching her tender skin softy. A slight moan rings through the air. She reaches down grasping my arms, trying to pull me up to her. I look up again and shake my head whispering, “I want to take care of you.”

  I pull her panties down her legs and my hands find her soft folds lightly caressing as her breathing speeds up. I stare up into her eyes and lower my face tasting her. She squirms under me as I move my mouth to give her pleasure and comfort. She reaches the top yelling out, “Jordan!”

  Kissing her as I go, I make my way back up her body when her breathing quiets. When I reach her mouth, she devours my lips mixing her sweetness between us. She reaches down to unhook my jeans but I pull away slightly so I can look down into her face, “Kimber, I wanted to take care of you. This is about you.”

  She lowers her hand to my hardness telling me, “Jordan this is about both of us. I need you to take care of me and you need me to help you heal.”

  Her words ring so true to my ears. I lower my lips to hers, our tongues brushing against one another. Her hands slowly unbutton my jeans just as her phone starts to vibrate on the table across the room. Her hands falter and she stops kissing me. I back away and angle for the phone asking, “Do you want me to get it?”

  She pushes up to a sitting position and nods almost as if she’s ashamed. I pick the phone up just as it rings for the third time and hand it over to her, watching as her features cloud over when she glances at the screen. She pushes the button lifts it to her ear, and looks at me with worry. She doesn’t say anything at first. Then in a calm voice while nodding, she mumbles, “I’ll be right there.”

  She ends the call looking miserable. After a moment of silence, she scoots off the bed to find her clothes telling me, “I have to leave. “

  I sit on the edge of the bed and wait for more but she doesn’t explain. I ask, “Is everything alright?”

  She nods as she shimmies into her jeans, “Yes, fine. I just have to go.”

  Hurt rises in me that she doesn’t want to share with me.

  “Kimber, do you want me to take you somewhere?”

  She looks up as she finishes putting her shoes on and gathers her keys. Her face is so calm but her eyes seem tormented. She asks evenly, “No, Can I call you tomorrow?”

  I nod and sit helplessly. When she comes close to give me a quick kiss, I grab her behind her back pulling her into me and tell her, “I want to take care of you.”

  Her eyes fill and she responds, “I know,” wiping the first tear that falls. She turns while calling back, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Then she leaves, closing the door quietly behind her. I have the urge to chase her and shelter her from whatever this is that can affect her so much. I realize then that I am falling for her and it feels so right.

  Chapter Thirty

  Kimber

  When the phone rang, I knew. It was Momma, something happened. When Jordan reached for it, I debated whether or not I would answer it. I kick myself for even thinking that but Jordan is so incredible and for him to do that for me, not wanting anything in return makes me want to scream how much I love him. But instead I answered the phone and it was just as I had suspected. Momma had another fall. She was able to call the neighbor who took her to the hospital and called me. When I turned around to see confusion on Jordan’s face, I wanted to tell him everything, all the horrid details of my miserable life. But I didn’t want to ruin our time together. He told me about Susan and that is enough for now. Instead, I shut him out and walked out the door. A large part of me wonders if he’ll run when he finds out how terrible things are for me. How could anyone want to be a part of this?

  I drive too fast to the only hospital in our town. It’s about five miles out, opposite of the Bruin ranch. I force myself to think only about Momma and getting her home. The last time this happened it put a huge wedge between Jenna and I. That was half of the reason why she left in the first place. When she realized Momma was going to require help and someone to take care of her, sh
e ran. It pissed me off to no end, the wimp that she is. Now I’m numb to it. This is part of the disease and if I reacted to every little thing that happens, I’d be a basket case.

  This fall has more meaning though. The last time we saw her doctor he said she would need a wheel chair soon. I know this will be what pushes that reality at us. Our tiny house isn’t equipped for a wheel chair. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  When I approach the counter I tell them, “I’m here for Stacy Maguire.”

  The nurse looks up a flush of relief floods her face and she says, “Finally, she’s quite the handful.”

  As if I didn’t already know this. I nod at her, embarrassed at what Momma could have already done in the short amount of time she’s been here.

  I ask the nurse, “Is she alright?”

  “I’ll take you to her and let the doctor know you’re here.”

  I nod lifting my phone to check the time, 2:00, too late or early to call Heidi. I could use her right now. She is pretty good at talking me down when Momma is like this. I trudge down the hall following the nurse. When we round the corner and she holds a door open for me, she winces. I peer into the room to see Momma sleeping, her hand firmly gripping the remote for the T.V.

  I walk quietly to the lone chair in the corner and drop into it. I stare at my mom wondering how bad it is. She seems pretty peaceful and not in any pain. My body suddenly feels the fatigue and I sink lower, letting my eyelids close.

  A gentle tap on my shoulder wakes me up. I glance around remembering where I am and look straight to Momma. She is still sound asleep. I rub my eyes and lean forward glancing into the face of a woman with a kind face. She has brown hair braided to the side with grey peeking out at her temples. I imagine she is close to Momma’s age but healthy looking. She has a white jacket on with a nametag that reads, Dr. Martin. I sit up straighter trying to mask my concern. Judging by the sympathetic look on her face, it’s not good news.