Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  I spread my towel in the now non-existent grass since the heat is so intense, and undress to my suit. I remember seeing him cross that field almost coming over here to talk to me but then turning the other way. We started out rocky with all of the baggage. There was no way it would have ever worked anyway.

  “Kimber, c’mon, jump, jump, jump!” Both boys chant.

  I follow them up and swim across the lake remembering the previous day in the pool. Maybe if I hole myself up, there won’t be anything to remember and cause this anguish.

  By 4:30 I am beat. I leave, dreading that I have to go to the Duck. I check my phone and find that he stopped calling, which kind of breaks my heart even more. I guess Jennifer is who he wanted all along. The thought makes me want to crawl in my bed and never wake up but I dress in my zombie state and make it to the Duck. Derek is behind the bar when I get there. He grabs me when I come around giving me a huge brotherly hug. How did I ever even consider him anything other than a brother? When he releases me, my sister is just sitting back down on the other side of the bar with a smirk. She tells me, “I heard you need some moral support.”

  “I don’t know what kind of support I need but thank you for being here. Have you been home at all?”

  “Actually I went yesterday. Mrs. Bruin called me and asked me to come. Momma was happy to see me and said she’s kickin’ it.”

  “It seems that way. I did a search last night for bottles and found none.”

  She hesitates but plunges on, “I’m thinking about staying.” She looks past me at Derek. I follow her gaze and see him smiling at her.

  “Jenna I think that’s great. Especially since this home health nurse bill is going to come and I’m gonna have to pay for it somehow. Maybe Duck will give you a job.”

  “Yeah, maybe, I’m thinking about going back to school for art. I might see if I can teach art to children.”

  It’s about fucking time my sister grew up. I smile at her and then hear my best friend call out from the door, “Okay, y’all can start the party now cause I’m here.”

  I hurry around the bar happy that all the people I love can be here to try and keep my mind from wandering. She grabs me in a hug and tells me loud enough for everyone to hear, “Just let that dickhead try and get in. We’ll be on him like white on rice.”

  I smirk at her, still sad for Jordan. Oh Jordan, what did you do to me?

  By the end of the night, I’m so tired I could pass out in the parking lot but I make it home to find a note taped to my door from Momma.

  Kimber,

  Your sister told me what happened. I love you girl, don’t you ever forget that. I wish I had words of wisdom for heartbreak but I’m still suffering from my own. The only thing I can tell you is that each day, it gets easier to get up and live. It never goes away so embrace your passion and figure it out. I want you to do what you want even if that means you have to leave me. I’ll miss you but I can’t hold you back anymore. Follow your heart girl!

  Momma

  Her words as gruff as they are bring tears to my eyes. This is Momma reaching out which she hasn’t done in years. I slip into my room knowing that things with her won’t be perfect but there is a chance they’ll get better. I move to set the note down on my dresser when the bracelet catches my eye. I reach out fingering the circular diamonds. I have to return this to Mrs. Rhodes. There is no reason why I should have it. I hold it in one hand and Momma’s note in the other while sinking to my bed. My eyelids close immediately finally letting sleep over take me.

  ***

  The week passes quickly with my monotonous routine. I wake up each day and perform my duties at the Bruins and tend bar at the Duck each night. Never once through the week do I hear from Jordan nor does he show his face in our town. It saddens me now that he didn’t even try past that night. I might have thought twice about things if he would have fought but now I’ve turned the corner. My heart is stone and nothing is getting in.

  On Friday morning Heidi calls singing a whole verse of Blink 182’s Feeling This while I’m driving to the Bruins. Her version is horrendous which she already knows. She’s trying to get me excited for my Friday night performance. I need all the help I can get, feeling extremely uninspired lately.

  Mrs. Bruin is running errands all day so I am in charge of not only the boys but also the ranch hands nourishment. I pack up their lunches at noon and haul them off with the boys in tow. This excited them immensely, seeing their daddy before the day was up. When we arrived out at the barn, out of habit, I looked for him. But I already knew he quit when he didn’t show back up all week. Mr. and Mrs. Bruin haven’t said a word about him to me but I know they have to be pissed about having to replace another ranch hand so soon.

  As we pass out the last of the lunches, Joe approaches me, “Hey Kimber, sorry to hear, you know.”

  “It’s alright Joe. It sucks but it’s done.”

  “I know but I really thought…”

  His unspoken words bring tears to my eyes. I thought so too. I turn to go back to the house.

  He calls out after me, “Aw, Kimber, I’m sorry.”

  I ignore him and instead call back for the boys to get up here. They come running up the porch begging to go the lake. I hold my ground using the absence of their mother as an excuse. So instead we sit in front of the T.V. all afternoon. I work on a song with my guitar while they watch mind numbing shows. It feels good to get it all down on paper.

  At the end of the day, Mrs. Bruin scurries into the house right at 4:30. “Sorry Kimber, things took longer than I thought they would.”

  “No problem, Mrs. Bruin, they were great as usual.”

  I head home and dress for the Duck. Momma is sitting at the kitchen table smoking but her cup is filled with coffee and she looks more alive today. Her usual dull pallor is more colorful. Her cheeks are more flush than usual. She greets me when I come in, “Hi Kimber, how are you?”

  I walk around the table and kiss her cheek, “Good, Momma. Thank you for the note. I love you.”

  She grasps me in a weak hug from her chair, ”I love you too, my girl.”

  She adds when I pull back from the hug, “Jenna is comin’ tonight to visit.”

  “That is great Momma. I’m gonna go and get ready.”

  I stand in the shower letting my tears that come daily, wash down the drain. It won’t go away, but it will get easier. I keep that mantra through my head because heartbreak really sucks.

  Sliding into jeans and a black tank top, I grab my converse and smear some lip gloss on my way out.

  When I get to the bar, it’s pretty deserted for a Friday night. My guitar goes in its usual spot and I joke around with Derek until it’s time. When Duck announces my name, Heidi’s ear piercing whistle, rings through the room. It’s gotten busier with very few chairs open. I sit up on the stool and close my eyes while strumming, my usual routine. When I open them, I scan the crowd while telling them, “This is a song I just wrote called I Gave All I Have to Give.”

  “I Gave All I Have to Give

  In the morning, when the sun peeks through, a kiss is still a kiss.

  I gave you all I had to give.

  You make me love you in the rain, a touch is still a touch.

  I gave you all I had to give.

  Turn the dark on out loud, a tear is still a tear.

  I gave you all I had to give.

  When the night falls, I’m through.

  I gave you all I had to give.

  I gave you all I had to give.

  I gave you all I had to give.

  A kiss, a touch, and a tear, I gave you all I had to give.”

  As I sing the second verse the doors to the bar open. Jordan walks through them immediately meeting my stare. My heart falters as does my voice. I quickly look away when a tear rolls over my cheek. I close my eyes and finish the words he inspired that I never meant for him to hear.

  When it’s done, I set my guitar down and race to the bathroom. A moment later the door o
pens and I hold my breath. Heidi finds me in a crouch on the floor. She leans down in her three inch heels finally deciding to sit on the nasty floor. What a best friend. She holds me as the tears race freely. When I can find my voice it comes out strangled and I ask, ”Why is he here? Please make him go away.”

  She holds me tighter which causes more tears. After a minute more I start to wonder why she isn’t answering me or keeping her ‘white on rice’ promise. I distance myself away from her about to ask when the door opens. I look up and meet those unmistakable eyes I’ve missed. Heidi gets up brushing imaginary germs off of her jeans. She glances down to me and back to Jordan nodding at him. Before I can rage on her, she’s gone. I get up swiftly and swing my arm to hit him. He catches my hand pulling me into him. Oh no, not this again.

  I push away shaking my head, “Oh no, you can’t just come in here and pretend like you did nothing. You can’t think that if you just touch me, I’ll crumple at your feet. Oh no Jordan Rhodes, I don’t want you.”

  My voice comes out as a whisper, “Please leave.”

  He leans in meeting my tear stained eyes, “Kimber, I’m so sorry. What you saw was Jennifer trying to kiss me, I never kissed her back. She saw you at the end of the hall and you did exactly what she thought you would, you ran.”

  He moves his hands through his hair frustrated, “Oh Kimber, why do you always run?”

  My words stumble out, “But, but why did you wait all week to tell me? Why did you stop calling? We are just too different Jordan, I’ll never fit, we’ll never fit.”

  “Kimber Maguire, once again I’ve hurt you without intending to. But I’ll be damned If I’m going to let my life go. You are my life, I know you know that.”

  He reaches his hand out, palm up, “Can you trust me, just one more time?”

  I stare at his outstretched hand wanting nothing more than to let him take this pain away but I’m so scared.

  He interrupts my indecision, “Kimber, I knew you would need me to prove it to you. Please come with me. If you still don’t trust in my feelings, I will bring you right back.”

  I cower back so afraid, “But what about Duck? I’m supposed to sing.”

  “I made arrangements.”

  “He has a band called, Junk Me, for the night.” I inwardly smile at that, Heidi and Becca will never get away from that Tyler dude.

  I ignore his hand and walk out of the bathroom on my own. He follows me out. Derek hands me my guitar over the bar while winking at me. What the hell, were they all in on this?

  I put my guitar in the back and climb into the passenger seat on my own, ignoring Jordan’s help. He quietly chuckles. I can’t imagine what could be so funny at this moment. My heart is just about breaking all over again from seeing him. I want to touch him but I can’t. I’ve been hurting so badly.

  He drives out of town toward the Bruin ranch. I’m about to protest and tell him to take me home thinking he is taking me out to the ranch but he passes their drive. Five miles later a dirt drive peeks out on the opposite side of the road. Jordan turns in following the dark winding path. When he stops, I notice a white two story house situated before us. Both porches are fronted with a thin railing that wraps around the sides.

  Jordan comes around the car and opens my door, letting me climb out on my own. I look up to this massive house with lights shining through the windows and ask, “Jordan, why are we here? Whose house is this?’

  He turns toward the house and walks up the steps. Once up there he turns to me reaching into his pocket and holds out a key. I climb up and stand beside him not understanding what he is trying to tell me.

  “Kimber, this is your house, welcome home.”

  I shake my head, bringing my hands up to my mouth. He faces me grasping both of my cheeks forcing me to look up into his sincere eyes.

  “I love you Kimber Maguire.” And he leans over kissing me passionately. In that moment I know that I am finally home. Jordan Rhodes is my home. He lifts me up, not breaking our kiss and carries me over the threshold. Once inside, he sets me down and asks, “Do you want to explore?”

  I shake my head, “I want to explore the bedroom.”

  He smiles grabbing my face again so he can kiss me thoroughly. I reach around behind his neck jumping his bones, which I’ve wanted to do since the first day I met him. He loses his balance for a moment but catches both of us. I wrap my legs around his waist as he slowly climbs the stairs to show me the bedroom.

  He mumbles into my neck, “Kimber, you are so irresistible, my life!”

  Epilogue

  Kimber

  It took me a while to begin the trust thing with Jordan. In hindsight, he never really betrayed me, it was more my own insecurities. But every day that I wake up in his arms, is one more that I relax a tiny bit into this life we call ours.

  Jordan wanted me to quit the Duck and go to school full time but I made other choices. I know he can afford to take care of us forever but as Heidi once said, ‘the Duck has grown on me’. It’s a part of my life that I’m not willing to let go of just yet. Not to mention, it’s my link to this sorry ass town, I now love. Who would have thought six months ago when I was so desperate to get out that I would refuse to leave?

  Jordan gave me the choice and of course I chose to stay. The day he asked me to choose between Mount Vernon and Dallas I think he was afraid I’d make him go back. He has found a new life here just as I have.

  The front screen door snaps closed and I know Jordan has come in from the fields. The day he brought me home and told me he planned on making this our home, begin to raise cattle, and marry me; exactly in that order, I laughed. Well so far, we have two out of the three and a shiny diamond glistens on my finger. The third will be soon enough.

  He comes up behind me as I’m making lunch, “Hi babe, oh man, I missed you.” He kisses the back of my neck raising goose bumps.

  I laugh, “You’ve only been gone a few hours and you barely made it out there this morning. I had to force you out of bed.”

  He covers my neck in kisses while mumbling in between, “I’m not sure I’ll make it back out there again if you don’t stop tasting so good.”

  I separate myself and gesture for him to take our sandwiches to the table. He sighs picking up the plate.

  “You’re such a tease.”

  I smile, following him out onto our deck off the back of the house. The first time I walked out here the morning after he gave the house to me, I was amazed that this was possible. I still pinch myself often to make sure I’m not just dreaming this life. It expands the length of the house with teak and rattan furniture. The roof is slatted wood making everything perfectly rustic just like my fiancé’s newly adopted life. It was pretty funny at first watching him learn the ropes of owning a ranch. Mr. Bruin spent so many hours out there with him. But he’s finally getting the hang of it. Joe came on a month ago and he’s made a huge difference in how everything runs.

  “Hey, you seem off in your thoughts. Care to share?”

  I smile shyly, “Just thinking about you, my life.”

  He leans over whispering, “If I wasn’t so hungry for food, I’d take you up those stairs right now.”

  “Is that a threat?”

  He chuckles, “Better watch it, when you least expect it.”

  I smirk and take a bite of my sandwich. He asks while I chew, “Will Jenna be at the Duck tonight?”

  I snicker, “No Jordan, nice try. It’s my turn tonight. She’s home with Momma tonight.”

  When I made the big leap to trust Jordan I decided I still needed my normal routine, just not all of it. I kept the Duck but only part time. Jenna and I share the job. She is living with Momma now half of the time and a nurse visits when no one else can be there. Jenna still spends a lot of time with Derek. So it’s one big balancing act but I’m used to that. I’ve always had to balance things but without Jordan. Now everything is so much sweeter with him in my life.

  I tell him, “Momma and your parents are coming
over on Saturday.”

  “I remember. Did you decide whether you want to invite the Bruins?”

  I smile sweetly, “I think we should invite them too.”

  He nods finishing his lunch. When I get up to gather our plates he pulls me into his lap and proceeds to kiss me deeply. I’ve never known how it feels to not worry. This amazing man is mine forever, it’s so unbelievable. I wrap my hands around his neck just as the front door snaps closed again followed by a loud call, “Hey people, where are you?”

  Heidi comes out the back door saying too loudly, “Eww, get a room would ya.”

  Jordan sighs, “I guess desert is over.”

  He sets me upright and stands calling over his shoulder, “Hey Heidi.”

  “Hi, Jord, have fun out there.”

  He places his baseball cap back on his head and walks off the porch going out to the barn.

  She turns to me glowing and exclaims, “Okay, spill it, what is so important that I had to get here right away? I was a little busy with Tyler so this better be good.”

  I freeze and look back over at her, “Really, a repeat? I thought Tyler was only a four.”

  She waves me off, “Well, I might have needed another taste just to make sure, maybe a strong six.”

  We both burst out laughing. When we’ve calmed a little, I pull her into the house by her hand while she protests the whole way up to my bedroom.

  “C’mon Kimber, just tell me.”

  “Have a seat, I’ll be right back.”

  She sinks onto my bed examining her fingernails. When she looks up and sees me, her eyes widen and she rushes over, “Is that what I think it is?”

  I nod a little uneasy but unable to hide my joy.

  She starts screaming, “Oh my god, you’re pregnant!”

  I nod smiling at her glee. She grabs my hands forcing me to jump up and down with her. Then she stops and asks, “Did you tell Jordan?”

  “Well obviously, I didn’t. Not yet anyway.”

  “Oh yeah, I guess not. When are you gonna tell him?”