Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  We make our way down the little cobblestoned road to a shoe boutique. Once inside she chooses three pairs and gives them to the attendant with my size. She sits next to me in a chair and smiles telling me, “I think there might be a little more to you that I don’t know. Forgive me for my rudeness yesterday. I thought with your clothing and such, maybe you were in it just for the money.”

  I shake my head shyly and finally tell her seriously, “I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I have fallen in love with Jordan and it has nothing to do with money. I didn’t know where he came from until we pulled up to your massive house yesterday.”

  She laughs a full laugh and her eyes crinkle. When she straightens herself out she examines me and admits, “You are nothing like Susan.”

  I wonder if that is a good thing but she doesn’t expand. The attendant comes back and we choose a silver pair of two inch heels that wrap around my foot daintily, fastening at my ankle. I marvel at these exquisite things. I don’t know that I could ever get used to this. At the last minute she adds a matching silver satchel.

  Lunch is quick because Jennifer has to go and get ready with the other bridesmaids. She barely looks over at me or acknowledges my presence throughout, but Mrs. Rhodes seems to have warmed up to me. The jury is still out on Mrs. Fontaine. I think she is just loyal to her daughter. This makes me think of Momma. I long for the relationship I used to have with her. Seeing Jennifer with her mom makes me miss that.

  They drop us off at the house and I’m practically bouncing out of my shoes excited to see Jordan. We’ve been apart all day but it’s too long in my opinion. To my disappointment, Mrs. Rhodes tells me, “They won’t be back for a couple more hours. If you want to swim a little or catch up on T.V. then you are welcome.” She finishes with, “Please make yourself comfortable Kimber.”

  I decide on swimming. After an hour of swimming, I drift off to sleep on a lounge chair flanking the pool. Warm breath on my cheek wakes me. My eye lids flutter to find Jordan a few inches from my face. I clasp my arms around his neck bringing him down to me. He stumbles ending up halfway on the chair with me. I kiss him deeply but when we part I crinkle my nose exclaiming, “Ewww, you smell.”

  He chuckles while lifting me from the chair. I’m in a purple bikini so I look quickly to make sure everything is still covered. He slides his feet out of his shoes and steps up to the edge of the pool. When I realize what he is going to do I protest yelling until water fills my mouth. We both surface and I wrap my arms around him wanting so badly to tell him how much I love him.

  But before I can say anything a shadow shades us. We both glance up to find Mr. Rhodes standing there uncomfortably. Aw, poor guy, he has caught us twice now. I smile and pull away from Jordan swimming to the other end of the pool.

  His dad mutters, “Your mom sent me to remind you that you need to be at the church in an hour and a half.” Jordan tells him something and he nods, walking in the other direction. Jordan turns to me with a mischievous look on his face. I lower myself under water and see him swimming toward me. So I try to climb out of the pool but he grabs my foot making me fall back into the water. His arms come around me from behind and he sucks on my ear before whispering, “I need to go and get ready.”

  I nod against him, wanting nothing more than to skip this damn wedding. But instead I turn in his arms and ask, “Did you have fun today? Was it good to see Dave?”

  A giant smile spreads across his lips as he admits, “It was really good to see him. I think you’ll really like him and Bree too.”

  I’m sure I will too, just not that they will like me especially this soon after Susan. He moves back further and explains, “I have to be there early but you can stay out here a while longer and just come with my parents if you want.”

  I think about this for a minute and decide yes, I could use a little more sun time. He kisses me before climbing out of the pool, “See you soon.”

  I wink and swim back under.

  An hour later, I make my way back up to Jordan’s room and find that he’s already left. He left me a note:

  Dear Kimber,

  Thank you for being here. You have no idea how much it means to me.

  I will see you at the wedding. I’ll be the one grinning ear to ear when you walk into the room

  Love, Jordan

  I hold the note to my chest. He is so incredible. Once I’m all dressed and my hair is up off my shoulders in a messy pile, Mrs. Rhodes knocks on the door. She enters the room before I can answer. In her hands is a bracelet. It’s absolutely gorgeous, a dainty white gold chain with three circles of diamonds in the middle. I step back, afraid to even touch it. She laughs and tells me, “Kimber, I brought this because I thought it would be perfect with your dress. It’s on loan if that makes you feel better.”

  I nod smiling and reach out for it. She gestures that she will fasten it. When it’s on she takes a step back and grins, “You are precious. That is the perfect dress. I want you to know that Jordan told us about your mom. If you need anything, we can help. Are you ready to go?”

  I take a deep breath as a tear runs down my cheek, “As ready as I’m going to get.” I grab the small purse that mirrors my shoes.

  She loops her hand through my arm and walks me out. Mr. Rhodes is waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. He looks first to his wife in a floor length deep purple gown then to me. He winks at me and nods approvingly. I fidget the whole way to the church. It’s terrible how nervous I am. You would think I was the one getting married. When we get there, the Rhodes lead me to the fourth row of pews from the front. We sit and my leg moves involuntarily. Mrs. Rhodes leans over noticing my leg and tells me, “Susan used to do that.”

  I frown, not sure of her meaning.

  “She would fidget like that whenever she was nervous. Calm down, you have nothing to be worried about. You look gorgeous.”

  Her words quiet my anxiety for a few minutes until the music signaling the bridal party begins. We watch as nine sets of couples walk down the aisle to the altar. As each couple proceeds, I look to the back of the church waiting to see Jordan. I think I knew in the back of my mind all along but I refused to acknowledge it consciously but the tenth couple blasts it to me. Jordan turns the corner and attached to him as close as she can get is Jenifer Fontaine. I want to vomit. She knew all along and planned on rubbing it in my face. I look to Jordan, once his eyes meet mine it seems relief washes over him. His smile spreads as he eyes my dress. But I feel doom. I can’t return his smile because of the bitch attached to his side.

  I fidget the entire wedding until Jordan’s mom finally places her hand over mine and squeezes. After the ceremony Jordan comes straight over much to the protests of the rest of the bridal party.

  He leans over to kiss my cheek. His lips linger as he whispers, “You are irresistible.”

  I smirk at his ‘Jordan’ remark and then look past him at Jennifer’s glare. I look back up to him and ask, “Did you know? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He shakes his head adamantly, “I didn’t know. I think they didn’t tell me on purpose. Don’t worry though. She’s nothing Kimber.”

  He lifts my chin, “You are my life, remember?”

  My head moves up and down in agreement even though doubt still lingers.

  “Hey, I have to go for pictures. Go with my parents and I’ll meet you at the reception.”

  He kisses me quickly and turns to walk the other way. His mom flanks my side and tells me, “I am very thankful to you and I think you already know why.”

  This calms me a little. They are all trying to tell me that Jordan is mine, I’m still so scared. Everything I’ve ever had has gone away eventually. I follow them out to the car and we drive to the reception. Momma runs through my mind during the short drive. I called her this afternoon to check on her. She was her usual fiery self, complaining about having a nurse and Mrs. Bruin having to come over. But I caught a hint of fear in her voice. I know she is frightened I won’t come back. But t
hat is furthest from my plans and I told her repeatedly that I would be back soon even though she didn’t ask.

  The country club is everything you would expect but when we walk into the grand room decorated with pink peonies and white tulle, I stop mid stride to take it all in. Mrs. Rhodes chuckles, “I forget that you aren’t used to this. It’s okay, go and explore. I think our table is right over here in front of the bridal party.” I glance over and my heart falters again remembering that the bridal party sits together at weddings. I decide to explore later and trek after them to the table. I am so out of my element. Weddings at home are not nearly this extravagant.

  I’m engaged in a conversation with another woman, Mrs. James, who just lost her husband last year but has known Jordan since he was in diapers. It’s enlightening learning about him because he is still so closed up. Strong arms encircle me from behind and a kiss on the temple brings me out of my conversation with her. He pulls the chair out beside me and sits as close as it will allow. He jokes, “Hi Mrs. James, I see you’re up to your old ways, telling embarrassing stories I’ll never live down.”

  “I do what I can Jordan. You have yourself a sweet girl here.”

  He strokes my cheek looking at me while telling her, “I know.”

  He leans in closer, “Irresistible. That rule you made up about hanky panky, it officially went out the window with this dress.”

  I grin and look down at my lap shyly. He tells me, “My best man duties are officially over.”

  “Really, I thought you had to sit up there.”

  “Kimber, I’m not leaving your side to let some other dude ask you to dance, no way.”

  This is the best news I’ve heard all night.

  Once the sun goes down, the room lights up with white and pale pink bulbs as a DJ plays country music to get us all up and dancing. Dave and Bree immediately embraced me and told me how happy they are that Jordan found someone so wonderful. The night didn’t turn out so bad after all. I’m even considering Jordan’s proposition of staying over tonight and getting an early start tomorrow to go back home.

  Jordan has gone to the bar to get more drinks so I decide to visit the bathroom. I’m stumbling just slightly from the too high heels and the alcohol I’ve ingested. But when I turn the corner to the hall down by the bathrooms, I spot Jennifer smiling at someone. I walk a little further trying to get a glimpse of the poor guy that she’s trying to seduce. Suddenly he turns to the side and she pushes him back against the wall covering his mouth with hers. My hand moves to my mouth as I run to the doors leading outside. Vomit surfaces as I lean over the bushes right outside the doors.

  I scramble down the drive with tears running down my cheeks blurring my vision. I can’t believe he lied to me. He was actually kissing the bitch. I lower myself to the ground and take off my shoes. I look around not sure what to do now. I can’t go back in there. I pull my phone out and call for a cab to meet me down the road. Once it gets here, I tell the driver to take me to the bus station. Finally, I call Heidi and ask her to meet me at the bus station in Mount Pleasant. She was still cursing when I hung up. I already know I messed up trusting him. Never again.

  Chapter Thirty Nine

  Jordan

  The night turned out to be completely different than what I was expecting. I thought I would find reminders of Susan everywhere and need Kimber to push the sadness away. But it never came. Kimber even relaxed once she learned that I wanted nothing to do with Jennifer. We danced and had a blast. It seems my parents have accepted her and my friends warmed up to her.

  Late in the night, I went to the bar to get us more drinks. But I visited the bathroom first. When I walked out, I saw Jennifer coming out of the women’s bathroom. I asked her if we could talk. She happily followed me down the hall. When I turned around I told her, “Jennifer, you have to stop this. I’m sorry I never realized your intentions. First you’re rude to Susan for all of those years and now Kimber.”

  She sniffles as if I’ve hurt her feelings, “But Jordan, it was always you and I. Even when you came back from college, you always wanted me.”

  She takes a step forward and asks in a high voice, “Can’t we just go back to that? Kimber’s white trash anyway. Why would you want her?”

  I frown fuming at her insult, “No Jennifer, You need to leave it alone.”

  As I finish the last word, she has advanced forward and her mouth is covering mine. I quickly push her away from me and gain distance between us.

  “I told you no, get away from me.”

  I turn and walk quickly to the bar, wiping my mouth pissed off that I even bothered. I will need to tell Kimber about my past with her or I know she will and our versions won’t be the same.

  When I return to the table, I find Kimber gone. I sit and wait watching Dave with Bree dance it up out on the floor. It’s good to see him so happy. Someday, one day, maybe sooner than later, that will be Kimber and I up there.

  Kimber doesn’t return to the table so I get up to look for her. I have my mom check the women’s bathroom and I look everywhere for her. Both of my parents start the search as well. After an hour and still no Kimber, I call her. It goes straight to voicemail. I slam down my phone as my mom suggests, “Maybe something happened with her mom.”

  I shake my head, “No, she would have come to get me.”

  Finally I admit, “Mom, I think we need to go to the police. Something must have happened.”

  “Now Jordan, are you sure? Would she have left for any other reason without telling you?”

  I shake my head and get up to pace. I end up by the kitchen door. A waitress comes out. She notices that I’m distressed and asks, “Sir, can I help you?”

  It dawns on me then that maybe someone who works here may have seen something. I implore, “Can you ask around about a woman in a red dress. She was here but we can’t find her now.”

  “Of course, I’ll be right back.”

  Ten minutes later she comes back out with a young boy in a bus boy uniform. She nods to me so I ask him, “My girlfriend, she had a red dress on. She’s missing, did you see anything?”

  He nods his head looking scared. I encourage him, “Go ahead, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone else.”

  “Well I was outside smoking a cigarette when she stumbled out of the doors. She vomited in the bushes. I was going to see if she needed help but she kind of ran to the street after she got her shoes off. A few minutes later a cab came and picked her up. That’s all I saw. But dude, if I get caught one more time for taking a smoke break, I’m toast.”

  “I understand, I won’t tell anyone. Thank you for your help.”

  I walk out into the heat and try her phone again. When the voice to leave a message ends I plead, “Kimber, please call me. I’m worried; you left without saying anything to me. Why?”

  I turn to go back through the doors but run into Jennifer. She’s shoeless and drunk. She stumbles into me but I move away not even trying to catch her. She falls to her knees onto the pavement. When she stands back up she shouts through slurred speech, “I heard you lost your little white trash. I’d leave too if I saw you sucking face with someone else. I did you a favor Jordan. You’re better off.”

  My hands clench. I’ve never wanted to hit someone as badly as I want to hit her at that moment. Instead I glare and tell her, “Look who’s the trash right now.”

  Her knees are bleeding where she fell and her dress is torn at the hem. I turn back to the building not giving her another glance. Oh Kimber, why do you always run?

  I fill my parents in on what happened and my mom forces me to sit against my first reaction. She explains, “If you go back now, you are both emotional, not to mention you’ve been drinking. Wait until the morning to go back. She’ll listen, Jordan I know how you feel about each other.”

  I take her advice but toss and turn the whole night while counting down the hours until I can go back home and grovel. Home, Kimber is my home and I have to get her back.

  Chapt
er Forty

  Kimber

  The bus ride helped me calm down to the old me, the one that just goes through the motions. It’s better that way. I knew it, every time I’ve let myself feel anything, it disappears. When Heidi picks me up, she bitches the whole way home. She wants to tear Jordan to shreds, I just never want to see him again. I chastise myself over and over for letting him in. I actually believed his words.

  When we pull into my drive, she hugs me for five minutes while I cry my eyes out. I vow this is all Jordan Rhodes will get from me. When I’ve decided I’m done, I brace myself for Momma. It’s midnight so she could be asleep but not with my luck lately.

  I slip in and check on her. She is out with no bottle in sight. I check the cabinets and her bathroom but there’s none. Maybe we are finally past this drinking thing.

  When I get to my room, I collapse onto my bed still dressed in the red dress. I rip it off not caring about any tears. I’ll never wear it again. When my face hits the pillow, I sob into the morning. Who am I kidding? Jordan was it for me and I have to mourn the loss.

  The next morning after no sleep, I notice my voicemail has about ten messages. I look to see who they are from and delete every one of them without listening. It’s better this way, I was never meant to be a part of his world. I just don’t fit in.

  Momma is sweet in the morning. She probably sees my bloodshot eyes and puffy face realizing it’s not a good idea to mess with me. When I get to the Bruin’s, I get the same reaction. Mrs. Bruin looks sympathetic but I just assume it’s because of the shitty situation with Momma. She tells me that she took the boys over yesterday and Momma was so happy to see them. She wants to start taking them over every week since Momma enjoyed it so much.

  The boys talk me into the lake today but really at this stage anyone could talk me into anything. I’m just the same as a walking corpse. I’m hallowed out and this is the way it will be. By the time I reach them at the water’s edge, both boys are at the top of the ladder. Michael is swinging out over the lake yelling out, “Cowabunga!”