Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  When I pulled up in front of the house and parked, I turned that bitch off and looked up at the windows of our apartment. Every light in that bitch was on and I could see bodies everywhere, so I knew the party was in full swing. I looked around the parking lot and spotted a dozen familiar cars so I knew the whole family was there. That made me feel happy and gave me some courage to forget the fool I had left at home, if only for a day.

  “Okay Na, fuck Anthony. It’s time to have fun and turn up with yo folks. That nigga will understand in the end and if he don’t, he just won’t.” I said to myself as I tried to stop the flutter in my heart.

  I hoped what I told myself was true and Anthony would be alright; but when I got out and felt like I was being watched I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky. Somehow I already knew that I would pay for that night, but I went in the house anyway.

  Chapter 11

  As soon as I stepped into the house the party was on like I had never left. There were dozens of people wall-to-wall, the music was blasting and everywhere that you looked there was a table of food, liquor and dope. The weed cloud was so thick in the room I could barely see anything as I made my way through the crowd and spoke to my uncles; Tootie and Bear, their dates, aunt V, and few folks from the neighborhood.

  Everyone acted happy to see me as they hugged then tried to give me either a blunt or a drink. I took about six shots and puffed off of eight blunts before I made my way to the kitchen where my brothers, Peaches, and Rah were standing in the corner by the domino table, smoking and checking.

  “Ayyeee, look who back. I knew you wouldn’t miss our New Year’s Eve turn up. Get lit big sis.” KJ yelled as he broke away from Peaches to hug me.

  Ky and Kam ran over too and wrapped their arms around me and KJ as we hugged and they continued to check.

  “Damn KJ yo greedy ass trying to steal all Na Na love. The Grinch Who Stole a Sister looking ass lil boy.” Kam said as he pried KJ’s arms from around me and sipped his body in.

  I could do nothing but laugh as KJ popped him upside the head then went back over to chill next to Peaches.

  “Shid, you talking about him what about you, with yo I want to be my sister favorite, I was born to be a suck up looking ass. Move damn nigga and let me hug my sister. I’m sure she ready to get away from yo musty ass anyway.” Ky said as he pushed Kam back and wrapped me in his arms.

  I laughed as Ky hugged me and planted kisses on my cheeks while I enjoyed being back home. Once they all had hugged me and checked each other they went back to the table where they were watching the dudes playing dominoes. I walked over slowly as I eyed Rah while she stood by the window and pretended not to see me. She tried her best not to look at me but as I got closer she couldn’t help it. She turned to face me just as I touched her arm and when she did we both laughed.

  “Damn bitch, I thought you was gonna act funny. I missed you Rah.” I said as my best friend laughed and said nothing would ever keep us apart.

  “No matter how hard shit get or how stupid we both may act sometimes, I’ll never ever stop fucking with you Na Na cause you my bitch for life. I love you sis.” Rah said as she reached over to hug me and I hugged her back.

  “I love you more sis and I’m so sorry for acting so fucked up.” I said as tears welled up in my eyes and I heard Rah sniffle too.

  “Oh hell naw, quit all this bullshit. This a joyous occasion ole sensitive ass women. Ain’t gone be no crying and shit unless you crying cause you too high or drunk. Now put a muthafucking blunt, domino or drank in your hand and TURN THE FUCK UP!” KJ yelled as he broke me and Rah apart then slipped his arm around my neck to lead me back into the living room.

  Me and my brother walked in that bitch and shut shit down. Just like when we were little, KJ and I had dance moves for damn near every song that came on. Before long the whole dance floor of people had moved back to stand back and watch us work. Kam, Ky, and Rah joined in half way through our turn up and then we looked like the ghetto Jackson 5 out there. We had fun though and before long I was tired as hell looking for something to drink.

  My neck was still sore and bruised; and my throat still burned a little so I was anxious to consume some type of liquid. I glanced around the room and noticed Spicy sitting towards the back wall next to the punch bowl with a blunt in hand and young nigga next to her. I decided to keep my distance from her ass though so I went into the kitchen instead. I had just gotten me a canned soda out the refrigerator and closed it when I heard a male voice behind me.

  “I’m happy to see you here beautiful. I was afraid I’d never see you again.” The voice said and I turned around and damn near choked on my drink.

  I stared right into the face of the boy I had been in love with secretly since first grade, Ricardo Walker. Ricardo was fine as hell with his curly hair, long eyelashes, gray eyes, and golden skin. Ricardo was the shit because he was the only mixed, half black, half Mexican boy in the hood who was not only a beast with a basketball or football in hand but smart as hell too.

  Really, he was more of a nerd than a jock and that’s why I had never approached him. I figured he wouldn’t want somebody like my hard, ghetto ass so I never even tried. I wish I would have though as I stood there and stared at his gorgeous white smile and froze. I didn’t know what to say or how to act with him right there. It was a good thing Rah was nearby at the domino’s table and saw it all go down. She walked up behind me and elbowed me in the back to get my attention as she pretended to go in the refrigerator.

  “Bitch what’s wrong with you? You been dreaming about this nigga forever. Fuck Anthony and everything else right now. Get yo ass out there and twerk on gangsta nerd.” Rah said as I almost laughed right in Ricardo’s face.

  I turned around and mouthed the words thank you to Rah for breaking my spell before I turned back to Ricardo who was still standing with a smile on his face.

  “Oh, hi Ricardo, I didn’t expect to see you here, but I’m happy you came.” I said as he laughed and told me I looked beautiful in my black cat suit, brown snow boots, and leopard scarf.

  “You look so beautiful and classy Na Na. Girl you make a man heart skip a beat. Anyway, I been over here for an hour trying to get up the nerve to ask you to dance. So, will you?” He said as I laughed and grabbed him by the hand.

  “I thought you’d never ask.” I said as I led him out to the dance floor.

  Ricardo and I danced for about six songs, then we sat down in the corner to talk and eat. Three hours later we were high as hell and I was happy that I had returned home.

  “So, Na I’m saying though. I’m high now so I can say what I got to say. You know I been feeling you for years. So, when you gonna give me that chance?” Ricardo asked and my heart dropped because that was the moment I had waited for.

  I almost told him yes and kissed his sexy ass until I remembered the psycho I had at home. I had too much shit going on in my life to involve someone like him. That’s why I told him I couldn’t at the time because I had a man but that I wanted to stay friends. He told me that he understood but he still wouldn’t give up trying. I had to blush when he said that because I was happy he wouldn’t easily give up. Besides, I didn’t know what the future held with Anthony so I wanted to keep my options open.

  That’s why I kissed Ricardo on the cheek and told him we’d stay in touch before I went off to find Rah. As soon as I stood up the room began to spin and I felt like Anthony’s hands were around my neck again. I had to run off to the bathroom to get myself together before anyone saw me. When I got into the bathroom I went straight to the mirror as I removed my scarf and examined my neck. It was still swollen and red and the fingerprints that were once visible in my skin had turned to welts.

  “Damn, this shit still looks bad. Damn you Anthony.” I said out loud to myself as I took my cream out of my sling purse across my shoulder and applied a thin film on my wounds and it burned.

  As I waited on the burning to subside, I took my phone out of my purse and turned it back on to s
ee that it was 9:30 in the evening and Anthony had called over forty times. Soon the notifications from the texts he had sent began to come through and I felt overwhelmed and scared while I read his words.

  You think I’m playing with you huh Na? Why the fuck did you leave? Answer this damn phone now!

  One of his texts said as I read it and my hands trembled. I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes then because fear had taken over my mind. I could imagine Anthony at home mad as hell and my baby Berry being right there to see it all. Suddenly worry for my new little love overpowered my fear for myself and I opened my eyes back up to read my texts.

  I love you Kaniyah, but I won’t let you do this shit to me. I know you at that fucking party with a nigga, this shit ain’t about yo family. I tell you what though, you hurt me tonight and took away our chance to spend this holiday together. How would you feel if I took something from you? I bet you’d really be broken then. You got 25 minutes to call me or we will soon find out.

  I read that text, Anthony’s last text which was eight minutes old and my heart stopped. A dozen ill thoughts ran through my mind as I prayed my baby was okay. I stood there at the sink with cream on my neck and tears in my eyes as I thought about what I’d say when I called Anthony. I was so distracted with figuring out the right words to say to calm him down I didn’t even hear Rah slip into the bathroom behind me. I didn’t know she was there until I suddenly heard her gasp and looked up at her in the mirror.

  “WHAT THE FUCK NA? WHAT HAPPENED TO YO NECK? IS THAT NIGGA BEATING YOU NA? TELL ME. SAY SOMETHING!” Rah yelled as I looked at her and tears fell from my eyes.

  I wanted to tell her no I wasn’t okay and that something was wrong with Anthony so that I could get the help that I knew deep down I needed. However, just as I was about to say that Anthony texted again and I looked back at my phone while Rah continued to ask questions.

  “Na tell me what’s going on. I’m scared for you Na.” Rah said from behind me as she reached out and touched my neck while I read Anthony’s text.

  Look Kaniyah, I’m giving you 30 minutes to call me and an hour to get home. After that I can’t say what I’ll do so choose wisely, partying with that nigga or your precious baby alive. It’s your choice.

  I read that as I made up my mind. I decided that I was going to save my baby. That’s why after I read Anthony’s text two more times, I sat my phone down while I wrapped my scarf back around my wounds and pulled my black orchid necklace on the outside of my shirt to draw attention away from my scars. I had told myself as I read Anthony’s messages that it was his love and fear of me being hurt again that made him act stupid. I knew that he loved me and hated to see me hurt so I figured his threats were just that, threats to get me home and that’s where I was going.

  “Look Rah, I’m fine. It was just a sex session that got out of hand. Anthony loves me and he’d never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Now, move. I gotta go home to ring in the new year with him.” I said as I tried to push past my friend and out of the door but she held out her arm to block me.

  “Hell naw Na. You a muthafucking lie. That shit wasn’t no accident. Hell naw. I’m telling yo brother cause Anthony’s old ass gotta be touched.” Rah said as I told her no but she didn’t try to hear anything I had to say.

  Rah pushed me back against the sink as she opened the door and yelled my brother KJ’s name over the music. KJ showed up in the blink of an eye too with a smile on his face and drink in hand.

  “Wasup Rah? You calling me like a muthafucka in here getting murdered or some shit.” KJ said as he stepped into the doorway and Rah said that someone needed to be.

  “Yeah, you right cause this Anthony bitch need to be merked. Just look at yo sister neck and I’ll let you be the judge.” She said as she reached over and pulled down my scarf while I looked at my phone.

  I tried to pull it back up quickly but before I could KJ had already saw. He dropped his drink right there at his feet as he slowly walked over to me.

  “What the fuck? What happened to you Na Na? That nigga did this shit?” KJ asked me as I shook my head and tried again to walk away.

  That time both him and Rah blocked me in as they yelled at me and caused my other brothers to come in and close the door behind them.

  “What the fuck wrong with you Na Na? Have you gone dumb as fuck?” Rah yelled.

  “I know you ain’t letting this nigga hit you. That’s why you stay away. I’m killing that nigga, that’s my word.” KJ yelled as I covered my ears with my hands and tried to get out.

  Soon Ky and Kam were in my face too as Rah and KJ told them what was going on.

  “That nigga dead.” Kam said after he heard the whole story then he turned to look at me.

  I just kept my hands over my ears and looked down at the floor while I inched closer to the door.

  “I promise I’m murdering that nigga. That’s on God. I love you though sis.” Ky said as he hugged me with tears in his eyes then opened the door to leave.

  As soon as the door was open I bolted out and ran into the hallway full of people. My uncles were right there with their homies listening at the door as they said they were killing Anthony too. Uncle Tootie tried to grab my arm and make me listen but I was determined to go. I broke away from him and ran through the crowd in the hall all the way to the living room as tears fell from my eyes.

  When I got to the living room Spicy was standing at the door and I stopped right in front of her. Her eyes quickly went down my face to my neck then rest on the black orchid necklace I had on. When she looked at that I saw something in her eyes I had never really seen before. It was fear, caution, sympathy, and a whole lot of regret wrapped up in one. She couldn’t even speak at first as she opened her mouth and no words came out. Suddenly tears streaked down her face as she asked me where I had gotten it from. Just then everyone from the bathroom and hall began to come down the hallway as they yelled behind me.

  “NA bring yo as back here. Na you stupid for letting him beat you, and we gonna kill him.” was all I heard as I turned back to Spicy.

  “My man gave it to me. Now get the fuck out my way.” I said as I pushed her and ran out the door.

  I could still her my family yelling and my brothers running behind me as I jumped off the porch and got in my car. I had just cranked up and pulled out the parking spot when my brothers burst out on to the porch. As I pulled off I looked in my rearview mirror and saw them flipping out on the porch but continued to drive home to Anthony. I drove and cried as Prayed everything would work out and my life would take a turn for the good.

  When I finally made it to South Haven it was after ten and I was nervous as fuck. I was scared of what Anthony may have done to Berry as I got out and walked on shaky legs to the garage door. I put my key in quietly and twisted the knob as my heart raced in my throat. I expected Anthony’s crazy ass to jump out and beat my ass right then but to my surprise he was nowhere in sight.

  I walked through the short hall and then stopped at the kitchen door as the noise from the pot boiling on the stove caught my attention. I crept into the kitchen slowly and carefully as the pot began to boil over and my knees began to shake. I felt like I was on a horror movie as I got closer to the stove and the boiling sound got louder. I was just about to remove the lid on the pot to see what was inside when Anthony popped up behind me.

  “So you finally decided to come home huh? After you ran out on me. Why you do me like that Kaniyah? You had me so worried. That’s okay though cause I pulled my shit together and even made us dinner. Go ahead, open the pot and see what daddy made for you.” Anthony said in an eerie, evil tone as he walked up and pushed me in the back.

  “I’m sorry Anthony, I just had to see my family. I missed my brothers baby and I thought you would understand. Please don’t be mad. I’m home now and we can still ring in the new year together.” I said as Anthony continued to push me towards the stove from the back and my tears blurred my vision.

  When I made it to t
he stove I batted my eyes several times so that I would be able to see what was in the pot. I stood there for a minute as my heart told me not to open it and Anthony encouraged me to from behind.

  “Open it Kaniyah. OPEN THE DAMN POT and see what daddy made for you.” Anthony said as he grabbed my hand and made me grab the lid.

  I trembled as I lifted it up and almost died when I peeked inside and saw nothing but black fur.

  “BERRYYYYY. BABY. NOOOO. ANTHONY WHY?” I yelled frantic as I snatched my hand away from Anthony and ran over to get the tongs off the counter.

  Anthony just stood back and watched me as I ran back over to the pot while he smiled and did an evil chuckle.

  “See that’s what happens to bad girls who don’t listen to daddy.” He said as I stuck the tongs into the pot then turned to glare at him.

  I shot a dozen daggers through his bitch ass with my eyes as tears continued to run down my cheeks. That didn’t faze him though he just continued to laugh and dared me to go back over to the pot by nodding his head. I turned back around and held my breath as I pulled out the wet ball of fur I had grabbed with the tongs. When I saw that it was a stuffed animal and not my Berry I fell to my knees and cried.

  “See? You see Kaniyah? That’s what happens when you hurt the one who loves you. When you do that, you end up getting hurt too. Now, you got lucky this time. Next time…well you better hope it’s not a next time. For Berry’s sake.” He said before he laughed again then turned to walk out the room. “Oh and the little bitch is in her bag in the bedroom, safe and sound, waiting on you. I’m going to my man cave and drink off this heavy feeling you put on my heart. I’ll be back in before 12. Have on that beautiful dress you were supposed to wear tonight and make yourself look pretty.” Anthony said as I nodded my head then looked up at him as he stopped and turned back.

  “Oh, and I love you Kaniyah, never doubt that. I just had to show you how that pain feels.” Anthony said then he left.

  As soon as I heard the garage door close I knew he was in the room on the right side he had made into a mancave. That’s when I got up and ran to the bedroom to see my baby. Just like Anthony said Berry was in her bag and she barked and wagged her tail when I came in.