Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  “Berry, my baby. I’m so sorry for leaving you. I’m so glad you’re okay.” I said as I took her out of the bag then held her in my arms as I cried and she whimpered.

  I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore then I walked back in the kitchen to find my purse. I found it in the kitchen door, open with some of the contents sprawled out all over the floor. I dug for my phone ready to call my brothers but it was gone.

  “Oh and if you’re looking for yo phone, I got it and I’m keeping it until you can be trusted again. You won’t be calling Ricardo’s ass no time soon so you might as well forget about it.” Anthony suddenly yelled from the garage door and my heart stopped as I held my breath.

  I didn’t breathe again until I heard the door close then I ran back to the bed room and slammed the door. Once back in there I cried for a while longer as I wondered what Anthony knew about me and Ricardo. I hoped that nothing I had done would end up getting that good man hurt as I put on the long black dress with lace everywhere, combed my hair, then stood in front of the mirror to do my makeup. As I stood there, I saw someone weak and controlled when I looked at my reflection and it made me sick. I hated the way I was feeling and what I was becoming but I didn’t know how to change it.

  “Just look at you Na, look at you. You make everybody in your life mad. Now your family hates you so Anthony all you got left. You gotta make it work.” I told myself as my heart said it was bullshit.

  I didn’t listen to my heart though as I went over to the bed and laid down and cried with Berry in my arms. The sound of Anthony crying woke me up sometime later and I opened my eyes to see what was going on. The room was dark as hell so I couldn’t make his face out as he sat on the foot of the bed. I looked over at the clock to see it was 11:45 before I sat up and asked him what was wrong.

  “I’m sorry Kaniyah. I’m sorry that I did that to you. I just didn’t know what else to do. I was scared for you baby because every time you go there your mom kills another piece of your soul. I just wanted to keep you safe and here with me because I’m afraid to lose you. I love you more than I love myself.” Anthony said as he suddenly turned to look at me and I saw tears streak down his face from the bit of the street light that came through the blinds.

  My heart broke as I saw him like that too so I scooted to the edge of the bed and wiped his face.

  “I’m sorry Kaniyah, maybe I love too hard. Maybe I don’t deserve you.” Anthony said touching that weak bitch in me.

  He got her too because I cried with him and told him I would never leave. That’s all he needed to hear as he kissed me with his funky liquor breath and then laid me back to get on top. In a matter of minutes he had ripped the dress from my body and was deep inside of me with his hand on my neck. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and he removed his hand then kissed me.

  “I’m sorry baby, never again.” He said before he flipped me over to hit it from the back.

  I kinda wished he would have kept me on my back at that point because he did more damage in the doggy style position. He dug so deep in my guts and slapped my ass so hard I felt like I was being beat. I cried out in pain and a bit of pleasure as my pussy enjoyed the aggressive loving and my heart broke. When it was over I laid face down with Anthony beside me, tired and battered as he held me down with his arm across my neck. I was afraid to move as I laid there and silently cried and wished I could turn back the hands of time. At midnight, he leaned over and told me that he loved me and that it would be our year before he closed his eyes again. I just laid there and cried while I hoped that it would be a better year than the one before.

  One month later, that January, I was still with Anthony hoping our love affair would grow stronger. Every day Anthony went out of his way to make me feel special and loved by bringing me gifts and sending me love notes. What he didn’t do was give me my phone back or even the freedom to make my own choices. He was even more possessive at that point, taking me to school and picking me up. I spent most of my days alone and hadn’t talked to my brothers or best friend since New Year’s Eve. Waves of nausea, fatigue and worry were my only friends besides Berry and I learned to live with the fear in my heart. At that point I had convinced myself I couldn’t do better so I stayed with Anthony even though I knew I shouldn’t.

  By the time February 10th rolled around though I was getting tired of our routine and the sickness was getting worse. At that point I had convinced Anthony to give me a little freedom again, so I was driving myself to and from school and he had returned my phone. He just would call me every hour, on the hour to make sure I was where I was supposed to be. On that day, I stopped at Walgreens to buy a pregnancy test before I went to class. Despite the denial, I had instilled in myself I knew that the nausea, sore titties, and fatigue meant something was going on.

  I couldn’t even concentrate in my first two classes as I wondered what the test in my purse would reveal. By third period nausea had taken over me again and I threw up all over myself on the way to the bathroom. I spotted Rah at the end of the hall as I rushed out of the school ready to hide for the day. When I got in my car I realized I had five hours before I had to get home so I drove towards my mother’s apartment hoping to see my brothers. I unlocked the door and walked into the quiet apartment and noticed no one was there. In a way I was happy because I wouldn’t have to explain to anyone why I was there. I walked through the house for a minute and reminisced on the good times I thought were so bad as I thought about the life I had ran to. I cried for not trying harder as I walked through the house and imagined my brothers silly faces. Tired of being sad and wondering, I ended up taking the pregnancy test out of my purse and throwing my purse on my bed before I went into the bathroom.

  Inside the bathroom, I cried as I sat on the toilet and peed on the little stick with a heavy heart. One it was done I sat it on the counter and then cried the two minutes I had to wait for it to reveal my fate. There was no sense in crying though because the test revealed exactly what I thought it would. It revealed that I was pregnant. I think I died and came back twice as I thought about raising a child with Anthony. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror and as soon as I did Rah walked into the bathroom. Our eyes met and in an instant, she looked down at the pregnancy test on the counter. I turned around and cried as Rah pulled me into her arms.

  “Awww Na, it’s okay baby. I’m here sis. I’m here. I got you sis and you know this. No matter what you decide to do I got you.” My best friend said as she held me and rubbed my back and I let out all of my tears.

  “What are you going to do though Na? I know you not keeping a baby by that muthafucka.” Rah said and I suddenly sucked up my tears and pulled away from her.

  I couldn’t believe she was even asking me that question when she knew my view on abortions. Hell, I had tried to talk her out of it for days and she didn’t listen. I couldn’t understand how the fuck she thought I would listen to her. She knew she had me fucked up though when I crossed my arms and stared at her.

  “What I’m gone do? How the fuck is that even a question? You know where I stand with abortions Rah, so don’t even try that shit. I tried to keep you from killing yours but you didn’t listen to me, so just stop trying to merk my unborn. Hell, they told Spicy to kill me. Why in the fuck would I do it?” I asked her as rolled my eyes then grabbed my pregnancy test and put it in my pocket.

  Rah just stood there and glared at me while she shook her head then I told her to move from in front of the door.

  “Okay, I’ll move Na Na because I’m not fina scuffle with you pregnant and shit but you sound stupid as fuck standing here saying you gonna have a baby by a nigga who beat you.” Rah said as I sucked my teeth and pushed her out of my way.

  “Nah hoe you stupid for killing yours. You made that innocent baby pay for yo sins.” I spat at Rah like venom and walked out the door.

  “Girl bye.” Rah said as I walked towards my room and Uncle Tootie ran out.

  He had his phone in his hand and he was moving
fast as he texted and cursed to himself.

  “Uncle Tootie, what’s going on?” I yelled and he just kept walking.

  I found that shit crazy as fuck because I knew even if he was still mad at me he would at least speak. That was enough to make me suspicious so I ran in my room and looked at my phone which was on the bed, just as the light went off.

  “What the fuck?” I asked myself as I slammed the door closed and fell down on the bed.

  The pregnancy test in my pocket poked my leg and I suddenly remembered what I had just learned. I couldn’t even dwell on what Tootie could have gotten out of my phone when I remembered that. I couldn’t stop my tears from falling either. I cried until Rah knocked on my door and I told her I wanted to be alone.

  “Okay sis, I’ll leave you alone. Just know that I love you. I’m here whenever you need me sis.” Rah said as I listened to her walk down the hall and out of the front door.

  I laid there on my bed and cried as I took the pregnancy test out of my pocket to stare at it. I decided as I laid there that I would keep my pregnancy to myself as long as I could. I knew that Rah wouldn’t rat me out on something like that so I decided no one would know until I couldn’t hide it anymore, especially not Anthony.

  The three months that followed, I did a great job of hiding it too, I even bought and threw away pads every month. It was easy to hide my tiny baby bump with all the big ass clothes Anthony constantly bought me. I made it all the way to graduation day, that May, without anyone knowing I was five months along. I walked across the stage as Valedictorian with a baby in my stomach and hope that would be the beginning of something great. My entire family showed up too, even Spicy; so Anthony was the only missing link. He claimed he had an out of town trip and wouldn’t be back until the day after graduation. I didn’t argue with him though because that gave me time alone with my brothers. After the graduation ceremony, everyone was so happy and proud of me and Rah at dinner.

  We all sat around a huge table at Chilli’s and had the first peaceful family moment in a long while. Half way through the dinner my mother stood up to make an announcement and my heart sank. I had no idea what she was about to say and that freaked me the fuck out. She had been so nice to me all day, she even called me her daughter and said she was proud of me to my face. That was some out of character behavior for my mama so I thought she had lost her mind. I looked at Rah and then KJ as Spicy waited on everyone to be quiet so that she could talk. When Ky finally stopped checking Kam, my mother turned and looked right at me as she raised her glass of champagne.

  “Everybody raise your glasses in honor of my daughter. My first born. The child who has taught me the most about life, love, and… hell, myself. Kaniyah, there’s so much I want to say to you. There’s so much that I need to say.” My mother said as tears welled up in her eyes and my heart raced. “But I won’t say it now. However, when you’re ready I will say it all. Today, I want to say I love you from the bottom of my heart and that you have made me the happiest mama in the world.” Spicy said as I wiped away my tears as they fell and then raised my glass with everyone else.

  Spicy kept her eyes on me like I kept mine on her then she mouthed the words, I’m sorry before she sat down. I think I was like the Grinch at that moment except instead of shrink, my heart began to swell five times its size. I wiped my tears and sat my glass down as Kam asked me why I wasn’t drinking my champagne and told me to give it to him. Before I could say anything to deflect what was happening Rah sat her ugly ass up and said it all for me.

  “She pregnant nigga, you know she can’t drink.” Rah said before she even realized it then quickly covered her mouth with her hand.

  It was too late though, she couldn’t unsay it and I couldn’t do anything to fix it so I rolled my eyes at Rah. Everyone at the table had heard her and they all were in a state of shock. However, as soon as the words made its way around to everybody’s ears and processed in their minds, the argument began. KJ asked me if I was crazy and Tootie said I had to kill it. Kam told me I had fucked up, but Ky just sat there and looked. Him, Rah, and Spicy were the calmest ones however, to my surprise Spicy was the one who helped.

  My mother was able to get everyone to quiet down and get up from the table to go home before we were put out. On the way to the car my uncle Bear told me he was disappointed in me and I could do nothing but cry. I cried so hard Spicy took my keys out of my hand then she and Rah helped me to the car. I was so broken over their reaction I could do nothing but bawl as Spicy drove us to her apartment. I didn’t even want to get out when we got there though but Spicy begged me to talk to her.

  “Please Na, five minutes. Give me five minutes and then you can go.” Spicy said as she stood in the door in front of me and I agreed then she helped me out.

  Once I was out she grabbed my hand and that shit took me by surprise. I could do nothing but stare at the back of her head as she led me up on to the porch and into the house. As soon as we stepped in my brothers and uncles started going at it as they asked me questions and yelled. Spicy shut that shit down quick though and they knew she wasn’t playing.

  “All of you muthafuckas be quiet. Calm the fuck down. Let me talk to my daughter then we’ll handle the rest.” Spicy said and there was silence in the house all at once.

  I avoided eye contact with everyone as they tried to get my attention, but I just walked behind Spicy with my head down. Everything I was going through felt surreal as my mother led me into her room and to the bed. As soon as I sat down Spicy got right to it as I looked at her and my whole body shook. She didn’t even give me time to catch my breath before she started her speech.

  “Kaniyah baby, I just want to start by saying how sorry I am. I have been a rotten mother to you my daughter. My twin, you’re my only girl. Yet and still I treated you like shit because of something that happened to me. Na Na, today is the day for me to finally tell you the truth.” My mother said as she sat down beside me and tears ran down her face.

  She put my hand in hers and looked into my eyes more sincerely than she ever had.

  “Na when I was 11 I fell in love with a smooth fine older boy. The boy’s name was Kenan and he was 16-years-old, smart, and very generous with his love and money. Kenan treated me like a queen buying me shit, showing me off to his friends, and protecting me at all cost. Naturally, he had my green ass right after the first gift and I was his shadow and puppet for months. Howevver, before long blue skies turned grey and his true self came out. One day he raped me Na and made me believe it was the best sex I ever had. He hurt me bad and put marks and bruises on me I still have today. The worst scars he gave me though were the ones on my heart and mind. I say that because although I knew he had taken my innocence from me I let him make me convince myself that it was love and what I wanted. So, for a few months I stayed with him then his abuse got really bad.” My mama said as she sniffled then wiped at her tears before she took a deep breath and continued.

  “One night he tried to strangle me and I had to fight to get away. I fought for my life that night and barely escaped with nothing but a t-shirt and panties on. As expected when I got home like that, my brothers went fucking crazy. This nigga was their friend so Tootie, Bear, and your old grumpy uncle E decided he had to die. They had the whole hood out for that nigga’s head, even your aunt V and Pauline were out on the streets strapped. All of that chaos and the secret I held inside began to eat me up after that. I wanted him gone just to feel safe and whole again, however I didn’t want him dead. So imagine my relief the day I found out he disappeared. Yes, one day he was just gone in the physical form, but his presence was always near. He always stalked me and sent letters and messages that he was coming back for what belonged to him. He even made me believe I still loved him for a long time, which is why I got this tattoo.” My mother said as my heart raced and she pointed to the black orchid on her calve.

  My head began to spin and I felt sick to the stomach as I sat there and cried while I listened. I couldn’t understand
what she was saying, or at least I didn’t want to. There my mama was telling me that she had got raped and that was the reason she hated me. She was telling me that someone’s else actions made her treat me like shit. I just couldn’t understand that, but as I sat there and continued to think, I wondered if that rapist was the other half that created me. I wondered what that secret she held was and if it contributed to her hate too. A dozen questions ran through my mind as I sat there and wondered and cried from my heart.

  “So baby, he fucked up my mind and over time that grew into hate. It was a hate I took out on you because… well I guess it was because the pain was still so deep.” My mother said as she quickly turned her head and I knew that she was lying. I knew that there was still something she was hiding from me but I let her continue as I wept.

  “I lost myself after that Na and I didn’t want to love after someone I gave my all to had hurt me so much. When he started stalking me again recently though, my hate and hurt came back, then when you left and came back with a boyfriend and bruises, I felt it all over again. Na, you have to get out now. Before you end up like me. I see your boyfriend gives you gifts like that monster did, guilt gifts to make up for the hurt. Don’t fall for that shit Na. You have to be smarter than that. You have to let him go.” My mother said as she cried like a baby and I thought about all she said.

  I thought about it all as we hugged but when she let me go my sadness and compassion began to fade. All I could think about was the fact that she had made my life hell because of something someone else had done.

  “So Spicy all you did to me was because of him. You couldn’t talk to me before I went out looking for the love you refused to give me? Spicy you hurt me more than anyone else ever will and now, almost 19 years later when I’m broken beyond repair you want to make amends. Now you want truth and reconciliation? Really? Well, if that’s true tell me why that rape made you hate me? Am I a product of that rape? Is that the secret you’ve been holding inside? Tell me now or I’m walking away and I will never look back!” I said as I cried while I stood up and backed away from the bed and my mother cried as she held out her arms.