by Emily Hudson
Completely zoned out, I’d tuned out the hubbub of the room around me, the comings and goings of patients and Licia and Ethan’s hushed discussion, until I felt his familiar warm hand squeeze mine. ‘Come on baby, they’re calling your name.’ He seemed to know what I needed, giving me the help I needed to stand. I was a shell of the person I’d been when he last held my hand. Here I was, thinking I was holding it all together, a picture of calm on the outside, inside I was anything but. I didn’t want to walk through those doors to be told it was all over, they were no more, I’d only just seen them. Struggling to get steady on my feet Marcus looped his large arm round me and for the first time in what seemed like forever, my little form slumped into his and I relaxed into his hold, happy to let him help me.
Disappearing behind the door, I turned to see Ethan holding Licia back. Ethan had done right by his best friend and mine was trying to do the same, I had no issue with either.
The mood in this room was different, quieter than the main scanning department we were ushered into a room and all the usual tests were performed, thankfully I’d managed to produce a sample prior to leaving the house so that embarrassment was over as I produced a tube wrapped in kitchen towel out of my bag. Marcus watched on as my blood pressure was taken, the sample was tested. ‘OK all appears to be fine there, let’s take a little look shall we.’ The doctor said indicating to the awaiting bed. Marcus suddenly looked nervous, shifting from one foot to the next.
‘You want me to wait outside.’ He offered quietly.
The alarm must have registered in my face as my eyes glassed over; selfishly I couldn’t do this alone, morally, he had the right to be here, he just didn’t know it, yet.
Thick clear gloop was smeared onto my slightly bloated tummy, offering a warm smile she told us not to automatically worry, she would just take a look. Bleeding wasn’t uncommon in this situation we were told. After an agonising number of strokes across my stomach the tears that had started to pool, fell unleashed, partly the fear of what might be and partly Marcus’ strong silent act. What was he thinking sat in this room? Holding this crazy emotional and obviously pregnant woman’s hand.
‘Is it going to be much longer?’ Marcus questioned as he witnessed my emotional state completely unravel. ‘I just need to do one more measurement…That’s it!’ she said punching some numbers into the computer. ‘You’re the father?’ She questioned him directly.
‘Yes!’ I piped up quickly, sounding like I had a frog in my throat. ‘Yes, he’s the father.’ I confirmed squeezing his hand as if to say, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to tell you this way, this is real, this is happening. Scrutinising his face, it was the first time I’d maintained eye contact for any length of time with him. Searching for disappointment, shock, regret. His eyes watered as he gripped my hand tighter.
‘Well I’m pleased to say your babies are doing fine.’ Turning the screen, ‘Look, here’s number one and…here’s number two.’ She enthused. ‘I’ve checked all the measurements and they’ve grown well since you were last with us. Would you like to hear the heartbeats?’
Wiping away a tear with his empty hand Marcus instantly said, ‘Can we?’
Smiling at our relief she offered a box of tissues. ‘Of course you can.’ Within moments the room was filled with the sound, lub, dub, lub, dub, lub, dub.
‘The second was quicker.’ Marcus stated.
‘Well spotted, some say girls foetal heartbeats are faster than boys, but who knows, this little one could just have done a workout with all that turning around. They’re strong that’s the main thing at this point. ’ He took a deep breath, processing the information.‘When can we find out their gender?’
Smiling at the question she probably got asked more than anything else. ‘The twenty week scan, so a few more weeks.’ Seemingly placated, he sat back in the seat, just watching the screen.
‘You did the right thing Lucy, if you have any worries you should come straight back to us. Multiple births are not without their complications. You need to take it easy and I know its hard, but your babies need you to relax a little.’
‘Thank you.’ I gasped as she cleaned up her probe and got me some paper towels to wipe off the jelly.
‘I take it you’d like some pictures.’ We both nodded. Whilst she waited on the printer and finished up her report, I buttoned up my trousers and smoothed my top down. Marcus at this point was impossible to read, he’d trained his focused on the floor, unable to gauge his feelings I continued to stare to see if he’d initiate eye contact, the seconds ticked by before we were handed a couple of black and white images each but he still didn’t look at me; I didn't have to be Einstein to work out the implications of his new found silence, the penny had dropped!
Heading out into the waiting room, the first thing I saw was the wide eyes of my best friend mouthing, ‘You okay?’ Nodding, I could see her instant relief as she rushed forward. ‘Oh thank goodness, are those the pictures, what did they say?’ She twittered on taking the images from my hand. Marcus, hung back looking a little in shock, just staring at his copy of the images as Ethan went across to him. He’d still not said a word, no doubt he was considering that his life had just tripled the number of complications it had it in. Little did he know that I didn’t have any expectations.
Suddenly, Marcus’ raised voice stopped Licia’s interrogation. ‘Did you know?’ Came his bitter question. All Marcus’ silence appeared to have turned to anger and I held my breath as it was directed towards Ethan. We watched on, stunned as Ethan tried to defuse the situation, realising that Marcus’ booming voice reverberating around the room was providing better entertainment than a soap opera.
‘Come on mate, it’s not the place.’ Ethan said attempting to usher him away from the audience.
Marcus wasn’t in the mood to be placated, ‘Did. You. Know?’ he bellowed. That’s when my plucky little friend launched herself at both men pushing them both out into the corridor to their amazement.
‘He has known for an hour; I’ve known, so if you’ve got a problem with it, you take it up with me.’ She challenged.
‘I realise you’ve got a lot to get your head around but now is not the time. This is the last thing Luce needs.’ She admonished pointing at me as I emerged through the doors. ‘Keys, Ethan.’ She demanded, holding out her hand to her husband. ‘Drop him home when you’ve cooled down Marcus.’ With keys in her hand, she took my bag from me and the folder I’d been given containing my hospital notes, ‘Come on.’ she demanded, escorting me toward the exit.
It wasn’t until we got outside and to the car, that she seemed to take the time to exhale. ‘I didn’t know he’d phoned him. I’m not sorry that he told him, but that shouldn’t have happened, not like that.’ She said rubbing her brow.
‘For what’s it worth, I’m not sorry that he told him either.’ I sighed, relieving her of any guilt she may or may not have been feeling. Here I’d been, thinking I could do this without him. Cruelly today, albeit momentarily, highlighted how great it would be going through this with him. The strength that I drew just from him holding my hand changed everything. Licia smiled briefly, I know she’s worried about me and probably even more so after Marcus’ reaction. I guess now the consequences have sunk in, he’ll be less happy to play happy families.
* * *
An hour earlier
‘Marcus, I haven't got much time, you’ve got to get to the hospital, its Luce.’ Well that wasn’t exactly the wake up I was expecting. ‘Which hospital and where, A&E?’ I questioned frantically as I hopped around starting to get dressed but froze when my best friend uttered the words, St Anthony’s, the Maternity Unit…You still there?…Marcus?’
‘Yep, I’m still here, in shock, but still here, Maternity unit? You’re sure?’ I say, now frozen to the spot.
‘I know buddy, but prepare yourself; she is really concerned. Look they will be out in a minute, Licia is phoning the hospital to let them know we are on our way, just get there, whether she
knows it or not, she’s going to need you.’
‘I’m on my way and Ethan…thanks mate.’
I was going out of my mind as I slipped into my jeans and tee, stubbing my toe on my door as I pulled it open with more force than I had intended. Cursing as I hopped down the stairs, frantic to put on my tan derbies and jacket. I knew this wasn’t about me but I wanted to ensure I looked my best for her. Running my hand through my hair as I inspected its state in the mirror before I left. As I suspected, it was completely disheveled. Well, I’d have to do, she might not even want to see me. Then the horrifying thought came to mind as I reached for my car keys. What if she really doesn’t want to see me? What if it’s not mine? Is that why she ran? Not one to ever shy away from a battle I closed my front door and made my way to the hospital.
‘Come on, come on!’ I thumped the steering wheel in sheer frustration at the idiotic manoeuvres being made by the Chelsea tractor driver in front of me. ‘Seriously do you want me to park the bloody thing for you!’ I shouted as they made their fifth attempt to reverse into a space you could fit a tank in. Having eventually cleared them I slung my Porsche into the nearest available space bringing the car to an abrupt stop, I took a breath, this wasn’t me. I was usually the epitome of calm, breathing deeply, I mentored myself; whatever the situation you can deal with it.
My mantra had virtually disappeared by the time I’d paced through the sterile corridors of the hospital. Having got lost, nearly injured another toe to a wheelchair and tactfully kept my distance from the pair of geriatrics mastering, or not, the skill of using a zimmer frame I was at my wits end. It didn’t help that I couldn’t remember how many weeks it had been since Licia and Ethan’s wedding; that was the thought occupying my mind as I burst through the glass door, successfully gaining the attention of everyone waiting quietly in the waiting room. Way to make an entrance idiot!
Scanning the room from right to left, it took a few seconds before I saw Ethan, sitting beside a frail looking Lucy, comforting her. Instantly my hackles raised; that should be me. Jealousy seared through my veins as I strode over to them, making it more than clear to Ethan that he’d done his bit now. Step back, I’m here now, she’s mine, I silently told him as I held his stare; my behaviour was irrational and I knew it.
Looking down at Lucy’s frame, she refused to look up at me. She looked so little and with that thought, any anger or whatever emotions were coursing through me went; she needed protecting.
‘Tell me what’s going on Luce?’ I said as I crouched down beside her. Fiddling with the rim of an empty disposable cup true to her stubborn self, she was resolute in her decision not to look me in the eye. Lifting the offending article out of her hands I removed the distraction, giving it to Ethan to get rid of. As he got up, I took his seat, twisting so that I could keep hold of her hands. ‘I’m not going anywhere baby,’ I said squeezing them just a little, in a hope to be reassuring. She still hadn’t looked at me, she still hadn’t said anything but the mere fact she’d permitted my touch, gave me hope.
Time seemed to stand still in this place, every now and again a door would open, a name would echo around this ridiculously designed atrium. Sensing her tense, I brushed my thumb over the palm of my hand, as if to say, it’s going to be ok, don’t worry, I’m here. Finally it was time, ‘Lucy Crawford’ a friendly looking nurse called. Lucy, didn’t register, it was as though she was in a trance. ‘Come on baby, they’re calling your name.’ It was the first time she’d looked into my eyes in weeks, there was nothing but anguish; now I realised why she’d zoned out, she was barely holding it together. Looking like she was going to struggle to find her feet I helped her to stand, putting my arm around her waist to steady her. My initial thought was that she’d lost weight, now I knew it was a lot of weight but as her body relaxed into my embrace I realised, whatever happened when we walked through those doors, I wouldn’t let her go.
Luce offered no resistance as I continued to help her, fleetingly I could see Ethan talking to Licia; I understood that she would want to be there for her best friend but I was grateful to mine for holding her back.
We were guided into a non-descript room, invited to sit by someone in scrubs; I missed her name it was stated so quickly. I watched on as what I presumed were usual tests were performed, blood pressure, pulse, urine and weight. Thankfully due to Livvy’s recent rantings, I at least had some idea. A few weeks ago, I’d be clueless and asking a million and one questions. I breathed a sigh of relief as the simple words, ‘Ok, all appears to be fine,’ were uttered. However, when she indicated that Lucy should get on the freshly lined hospital bed, I suddenly became nervous; being the gentleman, Kitty brought me up to be, my first thought was to Lucy, would she want me here? Should I sit outside and give her privacy?
‘You want me to wait outside?’ I quietly whispered. Her face fell, her eyes welled up, no she wanted me right here.
Selfishly I blew out a sigh of relief, permitted to watch as the clear jelly was smeared onto Luce’s beautiful soft skin. With the computer screen turned away from us, the sonographer tried to reassure us that the symptoms that Luce had experienced were not uncommon. She would just take a look and take some measurements, I held back my urge to turn the computer screen into vision, maybe I really didn’t want to see what was on it. I felt helpless, sat holding Lucy’s hand, whilst a probe was smoothed, pushed and prodded into her stomach. Occasionally it appeared to cause a little discomfort as Luce flinched. The minutes ticked by and we were still none the wiser, I could see Lucy getting more agitated, until, eventually a sound gasped in her throat and her tears started to fall.
‘Is it going to be much longer?’ I challenged, witnessing Lucy in this state was more than I could bear, but at least it meant she didn’t want to lose our baby. Oh please God let it be ours, let it be ok. I silently prayed. ‘I just need to do one more measurement…That’s it!’ she said punching some numbers into the computer. ‘You’re the father?’ She questioned. Lucy’s emotional voice sounded, ’Yes…Yes, he’s the father.’ She confirmed squeezing my hand. Her beautiful eyes searched my as I took in the information, my eyes watering at the fact, gripping her little hand tighter in mine, I turned to hear the news. ‘Well I’m pleased to say your babies are doing fine.’ BABIES? my first thought. What more than one? My idiotic second. The sonographer, turned the screen, ‘Look, here is number one and…here’s number two.’ She enthused. I watched on open mouthed. Lucy Crawford had just made me the happiest man alive.
‘I’ve checked all the measurements and they’ve grown well since you were last with us. Would you like to hear the heartbeats?’ Wiping away a tear with my free hand, I jumped at the chance. ‘Can we?’ Offering a small box of tissues, she smiled at our obvious relief. ‘Of course you can.’ Within moments the room was filled with the most wonderful sound, lub, dub, lub, dub, lub, dub. It was repeated but at a different pace. ‘The second was quicker.’ I stated. Seemingly impressed, ‘Well spotted,’ she praised. ‘some say girls fetal heartbeats are faster than boys, but who knows, this little one could just have done a workout with all that turning around. They’re strong that’s the main thing at this point.’ WOW, a girl and a boy! One of each, wouldn’t that be wonderful. ‘When can we find out their gender?’ Smiling back at me, I’m sure this was a question I should of known the answer to but she politely answered anyway. ‘The twenty week scan, so a few more weeks.’ Gobsmacked I sat back in the hard plastic seat, just watching the screen. ‘You did the right thing Lucy, if you have any worries you should come straight back to us. Multiple births are not without their complications. You need to take it easy and I know its hard, but your babies need you to relax a little.’ Visibly relieved, Lucy thanked her as she cleaned herself up. ‘I take it you’d like some pictures.’ We both nodded. Whilst we waited on the printer and she finished up her report, Luce redressed, conscious that I had only ever seen this once before and now wasn’t the time for those thoughts, I trained my attention to the floor, fully aw
are that I had two eyes burning into my skull right now. Thankfully it wasn't long before we were handed a couple of black and white images each, I was mesmerised as I picked out limbs to focus, then the shape of their noses. But how did this happen, I’m always careful, oh shit, yep I remember…the shower.
Lucy’s strength visibly grew with the all clear; she moved as quick as lightening out of the room to Licia and Ethan. I hung back, in all honesty, partly in shock, just staring at the images. I was going to be a Dad! OK, this wasn’t how I had planned it but WOW. With that sense of relief my earlier frustrations came back to the forefront, Luce was surrounded by Ethan and Alicia, I hated the fact I was the last to know? Before I could control myself, the stress of the morning came out as Ethan walked towards me. ’Did you know?’ My tone, loud, bitter and resentful.
‘Come on mate…’ Ethan tried to calm me as my voice boomed around the room. ’Come on mate, it’s not the place,’ he said attempting to usher me away from the waiting room. In no mood to be mollified, gritting my teeth, ‘Did. You. Know?’ I demanded. That’s when to my complete and utter amazement, Ethan’s too, his forthright wife launched herself at us both, pushing us into the corridor. ‘He has known for an hour or so, I’ve known, so if you’ve got a problem with it, you take it up with me.’ She challenged. ‘I realise you’ve got a lot to get your head around but now is not the time. This is the last thing Luce needs,’ she reprimanded, pointing towards a still weak looking Luce as she emerged through the doors. ‘Keys, Ethan!’ She demanded, holding out her hand to her husband. ‘Drop him home when you’ve cooled down Marcus.’ With keys in her hand, she took Lucy’s bag and folder. ‘Come on,’ she demanded, with the same schoolmarm tone she’d taken with us, Lucy was getting away from me again. So much for not letting her go.