Powerless

by Catherine Johnson

  “Hey, monsters. Come and meet your Uncle Callum, he’s going to be staying with us for a bit.”

  With a long look at the telly the lads reluctantly scramble up and do as their mam bids. They come and stand, one either side of her; she puts a hand on each of their shoulders.

  “Callum, I’d like to introduce the Kray Twins, or as their teachers call them, Jonathan and Jacob.” She nods at each child as she gives their name. I already know it’s goin’ tae take me months tae stop mixin’ them up; they’re identical.

  I crouch down so I can look them in the eye. “Hiya boys. Hope you doona mind me stoppin’ for a while?”

  The boys both put their heads to one side simultaneously and then look up at their ma’, it’s so in sync it’s eerie. “Mum, Uncle Callum talks funny.” I think it’s Jonathan that says it, so I’ll be watching out for Jacob, the quiet one, then. The thought o’ the mischief this pair get up to makes me grin.

  Donna gives her boy a look before she answers. “He’s from Scotland, that’s how they talk there.”

  Jonathan looks like he wants to ask another question, but stops when he sees his brother lookin’ at him. “Can we go back to Spiderman now mum?”

  “Yes. Go on. Back in front of the goggle box whilst I sort tea out.” She gives them a gentle push in the direction of the telly, and I stand up again.

  “I’ve got you some stuff, clothes, toothbrush, razor and some other bits and pieces I thought you might need.” She says with a wry smile. “You’re staying with us, Michael told you that right? No arguments.”

  “Aye lassie, no arguments. Like I’d even dare.”

  “That’s a good boy. Now, Michael’ll show you your room whilst I get tea moving. You go and have a shower or whatever, get settled.”

  She waves us off with a grin and a flick o’ her hand and heads back tae the kitchen. Michael takes me upstairs and shows me tae their spare room. He points out the bathroom and the boys’ room on the way. It’s all decked out with all kinds o’ super hero stuff, but Spiderman is obviously a favourite. He leaves me tae get on with settlin’ with a slap on the back and goes tae get a bit more hen-pecked.

  The last thing I want tae do is just sit on a bed in a room again, so I take advantage of havin’ a shower in private and take the opportunity tae have a proper shave. It doesnae take me long to get sorted, and I can smell somethin’ delicious cooking so I head downstairs.

  The kids are still glued tae cartoons when I pass through the living room. Donna looks up as I walk intae the kitchen, half o’ which is taken up by a large dining table that she’s in the middle of setting.

  “That’s better. Still not used to seeing you with a ‘tache though.”

  I’ve combed ma hair back and since it’s wet it’s staying there. If I can find some elastic bands I’ll be able tae tie it out o’ the way. When it came down tae it, I found I couldnae shave off all ma beard, turned out I was quite attached tae it. I’ve settled for a moustache and a goatee, or whatever you’d call it, instead.

  It’s no’ long before we’re all sat down round the table and I’m enjoyin’ my first properly cooked meal in years. The wee star has cooked steaks, as rare as she can. I think she just showed them the pan from the plate. The boys are tuckin’ intae chicken nuggets and chips like she never feeds ‘em, but I think that has somethin’ tae do with tryin’ tae cram as much TV as possible in before bedtime. Whilst we eat, they catch me up on what all else has bein’ goin’ on with the pack whilst I’ve been away; who’s joined, where from, who’s left, who’s gettin’ on with who and who’s rubbin’ each other the wrong way.

  I’m never goin’ tae be able tae tell the two o’ ‘em just how much this means tae me. They didnae have tae stick around and wait for me tae get out. They’ve no love for Daniel, never have had; and with the jobs they’ve got, they could’ve moved anywhere in the world, let alone the UK. They didnae have to wait, and they certainly didnae have tae stick their necks out by takin’ me in.

  It’s beginnin’ tae get dark by the time we’ve eaten, cleared the debris and I’ve helped Donna wash the dishes. It’s the least I can do and it’s good tae do somethin’ so simple and normal, it’s even better that it’s my choice tae do it and no’ somethin’ that’s expected or required.

  As the darkness falls I can feel the familiar itch creepin’ over me. It’s no’ the full moon, but it’s close, only a couple o’ days away. I’m close, so close now. I’m closer than I’ve been for a long time tae bein’ able tae change and run, and it’s gettin’ harder to hold ontae maself. The thing that’s keepin’ me grounded, that’s stoppin’ me from changin’ in their kitchen, is the feelin’ o’ family in this house. Even though the bairns won’t change for years, this, the two o’ them, their boys; it’s a pack. It’s no’ easy, but I know I’ve more control here than I would have anywhere else, I’m stronger because o’ them. Donna can sense it, though, so can Michael; they can tell I’m on an edge.

  Donna starts shooing the boys upstairs for their bath. Michael comes out of the kitchen holdin’ a box that’s been sealed suspiciously tight and a couple o’ black bags.

  “Come on mate. Get your arse off the sofa. We’re goin’ out.”

  I’m no’ about to ask where, I think I know. Michael’s no’ a daft lad, he’d no’ take me anywhere I’d do damage. Instead o’ speakin’ I concentrate on keepin’ maself whole as we get in the car and set off. At first I wonder why we’re botherin’ tae drive, and then, as I recognise the roads he’s takin’ I realise he intends tae drive us as far out into the remote part o’ the moors as he can. It’ll get us there all the quicker.

  It feels like eons before he pulls up in a lay-by in the middle o’ the bleak nowhere. It’s no’ full dark yet. It’s mostly there, but the sky to the west is still burnin’ with a golden sunset. The moors to the east are black. There’s no’ a soul close and I cannae hear any other cars comin’.

  “Full moon’s still a couple of days off, but I thought we’d be best off getting your crazy time out of the way first. Let you wild where Daniel can’t see.”

  I can barely speak for keepin’ my shit together, but even if I could, I doona know what I’d say tae this fella. There’s no’ the words to express how much it means tae me, no’ just that they’re givin’ me a home, but that they’re helpin’ me heal, too. All I can do now is nod tae let him know I’ve heard him. He pops the boot o’ the car and grabs the box and the bags, then he locks up and we start joggin’ into the darkness, away from the road.

  We keep goin’ ‘till we cannae see the road. He sets the box down and hands me a bag. He sees me eyein’ the box suspiciously and chuckles. “It’s a reward. You can have your treats like a good doggy when you’ve had your walkies.”

  He thinks he’s a funny fucker.

  I’m no’ prepared to wait any longer. I’m on four paws for the first time in nigh on six years before he’s even got his boots off. I’m as giddy as a puppy. It feels so good just tae be in this form again that I’m canterin’ around, jumpin’ and stretchin’ like a daft ‘un. Michael’s laughin’ so hard it’s takin’ him even longer tae get undressed, so I shoulder barge him in the leg tae give him the hint.

  “Okay, okay, keep your whiskers on!”

  He speeds up and then he’s with me. His wolf colouring is mostly silver with some white patches. He’s only got a little black around the ears and the shoulders. The moonlight catches him and picks him right out. He’s got crackin’ colouring for hidin’ in snow, no’ so much for damp heather, no’ that it matters. In the next breath we’re off, racing each other across the moor. Well, I say racing, it’s no’ long before I’m out in front. All that exercise in jail has put me in good stead; I’m stronger and faster than before. I cannae howl and run flat out at the same time, but I’m no’ so bothered about howlin’ yet. Howling’s more for the benefit o’ the pack; this is just the two o’ us.

  We cover miles and miles. I feel like I could run all night. I feel like I could nev
er change back. Fuck bein’ human. This is so much simpler, so much easier. I know deep down o’ course that I cannae do that. For a start there’s nothin’ for me tae feed on without gettin’ ma arse shot. For another, I have people depending on me again. Donna and Michael didnae stick around and take the risks they have just tae watch me leave town or settle in half way down the pack. They’ve been waitin’ on me gettin’ out tae make things right.

  Dawn’s a few hours off, but I can smell the change in the air as we make our way back to the spot we left our clothes. This time Michael’s changed and dressed first, before I’ve even thought about pulling my human form back on.

  “Hang on mate.” He holds a palm out signalling for me tae wait before I change. I drop tae my haunches and watch him as he takes a small pen knife out o’ his back pocket. He slices the tape on the box he brought out with us, and then the smell hits me. If this man wasnae already married, I’d propose.

  “Thought you could do with a couple of lumps of this once we were done, stop you bothering the sheep.”

  I chuff tae show him just how funny I think he is. He just smiles as he tosses a hunk of raw steak in my direction. It’s followed by a second and a third; he obviously guessed that we’d be coverin’ a lot o’ ground tonight. By the time I’m done, it’s like the meat never existed, no’ even a speck on ma whiskers.

  I change back and dress. My incentive is being able tae let this fella know somehow that I pretty much owe him my life for his thoughtfulness tonight and the ongoin’ generosity o’ him and his wife.

  We drive back and get in just as the sky starts tae turn grey. I’m tired, but exhilarated, no’ exhausted. I feel, energised. I’m goin’ tae get ma pack back and I’m goin’ tae kill the traitorous bastards that have stolen years o’ ma life from me on a lie. I know it’ll no’ be as simple as simply rippin’ their throats out tomorrow. It sounds like I’m goin’ tae have more than a couple tae take on and I’ll no’ ask Michael and Donna tae be the only ones at my back in that kind o’ fight. They’ve got their own little pack to think o’. No, I know I’m goin’ tae have tae win the pack over first ‘fore I make my move, and I’m goin’ tae have tae prove my innocence and show them who the guilty really are.

  I’m about tae climb gratefully intae a decent bed when I catch the scent of somethin’ disturbing. I hunt around ma room ‘till I find the source, a dark red hoodie and a pair o’ jeans. Judgin’ by the cut of the denim they’re no’ a fella’s, and they’re too long for them tae be Donna’s. I cannae rest with this scent in the same room though. I fold them up and leave them just outside the door on the landing. With the door closed the scent is bearable. I fall intae the bed and I’m asleep before ma head hits the pillow.

  Chapter Six

  Things have not been going well since I found out that Callum Lennox was going to be running with the pack for the full moon. In fact, my life has become unrecognisable from the one that I thought I had. I never did call Donna the day after Michael delivered the bad news. I didn’t want to speak to anyone about it. I didn’t want any one else trying to persuade me that it was what was best for the pack. Right at this moment in time I don’t give a shit what’s best for the pack, I don’t care if Callum Lennox goes completely out of his tree and rips a hundred throats out....no, that’s not entirely true. Despite what I’ve gained in my new life, I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy. Just because I’m not completely mentally scarred by it, though, doesn’t mean I want everyone telling me to sweep it under the carpet.

  My relationship with Rob hasn’t recovered either. For the first couple of nights that I slept in the spare room, he didn’t say anything. Not just about that, but about anything at all. We weren’t exactly ignoring each other, more like simply not making any effort to speak or converse. It was Rob that brought up the subject of where I was sleeping first; he tried to persuade me to move back into our room. I gave it a shot, I wanted my life back. I wanted everything to be just like it had been in those five minutes before Michael had knocked on our door and turned everything upside down. It didn’t work, though. For a start I couldn’t bring myself to go through our normal routine of getting ready for bed together, so I let Rob go upstairs first and I stayed up for a couple more hours, a habit that I was getting into anyway. When I did go up, he was fast asleep. I crawled into our bed, but I couldn’t stay there. I just didn’t want to be that close to him and I simply couldn’t get to sleep. They say that animals can’t relax enough to sleep unless they’re somewhere that they feel safe, and that seems to be as true for werewolves. I couldn’t relax at all, I was holding myself as stiff as a board on the edge of the bed as far away from Rob as I could get. In the end, I gave up and moved back into the spare room. I tried again the next night but the same thing happened. I haven’t tried to sleep in our bed since and Rob hasn’t raised the subject again.

  It was two days before the full moon that Daniel came to speak to me himself. Believe me; it occurred to me to be pissed off that I hadn’t warranted his personal attention sooner. A delay like that was hardly the mark of a supportive Alpha. I didn’t say anything to him. With an Alpha like Daniel, unless you intend to challenge him, and unless you’re a hundred percent certain you’re going to win that challenge, it’s a very bad idea to point out any failings.

  Oh he was very sweet and concerned, or at least that’s how he acted. It didn’t feel right though, like watching someone walk around in a coat that’s a little too small for them. There was just something missing the whole time he was talking to me. I have to say, I think it was honesty. He went on an on about how the pack was there for me, how everyone would support me. He repeated what Michael had said about it being to protect the good people of Manchester from a mad, ravening beast. He blew a lot of smoke up my arse about me being the strong one, about forgiveness and tolerance being a sign that I was better than Callum, that if I let him chase me away from my pack then it would be letting him win. For the entire time he was speaking, though, all I could hear was his subtext, that if I didn’t run with the pack on the full moon it would be basically saying that I didn’t trust my Alpha to keep me safe and that it would make him look bad.

  In the end I agreed to join the pack, mainly because I do not want to be on Daniel’s bad side, at least not while I’ve still got some decisions to make. I’ll keep his good will for the moment; I might need to use it. If I decide to move away and transfer to a new pack, I’ll need him to put a recommendation in for me. I haven’t said anything to Rob, but whilst I’ve been at work I’ve been checking out the agencies and job sheets, just trying to see what’s out there, evaluating whether the plan that I’m beginning to form is feasible.

  I don’t care what Daniel says about letting Callum win if he chases me away from my home and my pack, about me being stronger. I do not want to stay here and be forced to associate so intimately with someone who tried to hurt me like that. And, if the pack is willing to accept him back, then they’re not the family and the friends that I thought they were.

  Tonight is the night of the full moon, and I am going to have to put on the performance of a lifetime. The thought alone exhausts me. The only reason that I don’t create a fuss with Rob about me taking my own car tonight, as much as I want a means of escape, is that I don’t want to set too many rumours running around the pack. If I am going to up and leave, I don’t want any well-meaning individuals trying to talk me round, or telling Daniel. We’re silent together as we drive up to the meeting point that’s been chosen for tonight. Daniel’s decided that we’ll run over to Black Hill again, but we’ll be starting from a different point on Alphin Pike. We’re heading to the Stalybridge side where there are fewer farms and therefore less sheep. Personally I don’t think it’ll make a great deal of difference; if Callum is completely psycho it won’t take him long to find something to bite that’ll land us all in the shit.

  I think Daniel is planning to rely a lot on the pull he has as Alpha to control Callum, but from the stori
es that Michael and Donna told me, I don’t think that’s going to work. Callum used to be Alpha of this pack; he didn’t lose that, Daniel didn’t beat him to take it, Callum gave it up. That means he could still hold almost as much sway in his own right as Daniel does. An Alpha has the ability to influence members of their pack. I guess it’s one of the perks of the job. It works much more effectively in wolf form, tapping into the pack mentality. For example, if something spooks the pack, the Alpha can give off a calming vibe and everyone settles down. It works the other way too, but not just for the Alpha, if one of us is feeling a strong emotion, the pack will sense it. If someone is scared, upset or happy we all know; but Alphas are better at shielding their emotions. To be honest, I was surprised I could feel that Daniel was so tense during the last run; I thought he was better at keeping himself in check than that.

  There’s an edge to the night that I can feel as I get out of the car. I look over at Rob, but if he feels it, he’s not showing any signs. I’m not going to ask if he senses it, if he doesn’t it’ll just get the night off to an even worse start. We make our way quickly to the rest of the pack. This is the first run since I turned that I haven’t looked forward to at all. I just want tonight over with as quickly as possible. The temperatures have dipped considerably this past week from the hot summer weather we’ve been enjoying, and we’ve had some rain, so we’ll have to be careful of the peat bogs.