Powerless

by Catherine Johnson

  When we reach the pack, I can see that we’re the last ones to arrive. That’s unusual, especially given the time that we set off. As I look around, a few people dip their eyes rather than look at me. At first I think they feel sorry for me in some way, and then I get it, it’s been planned. Daniel must have called everyone to meet early. If I turn back now, everyone will see. I stamp down hard on the flash of anger that I’m about to direct at that manipulative bastard. I’m stood with twenty two people who all share my supernatural secret, and I’ve never felt more alone.

  Well, at least I didn’t think it was possible to feel more alone until I spot Michael and Donna. There’s a stranger with them. I almost laugh in derision at myself, I know everyone in the pack apart from one person; that stranger must be Callum Lennox. So much for friendship, they seem to have adopted the man who tried to kill me. Two weeks ago I could have guaranteed that Rob would have put his arm around me and hugged me close to show his support, but now he’s stood there with his hands in his pockets. I don’t know what everyone expects me to do. I have a touch more pride than to run away crying, and damn Daniel for knowing that. Do they all think I’m going to go over to Callum and give him a hug and a peck on the cheek and say ‘Welcome home’? If they do, they’re very much mistaken.

  Instead I just nod, more of a tilt of my chin, at Daniel to let him know that I’m good to go. He nods back and it’s like a signal to the pack to move, everyone starts to shed their clothes and change. It’s a cloudy night, so it’s darker than usual, but the lack of actual moonlight makes no difference to the majority of the pack, and of course they have Daniel’s influence to ease their change along. I’ve wrapped up my emotions so tightly that I can barely feel Daniel’s aura at all, let alone anyone else. The pack will be able to feel that I’m cutting them out tonight, but that’s their issue to deal with, I have my own.

  I’m not usually self conscious around everyone else when we change; there’s no need to be. Unless you really want to spend half an hour struggling to get your wolf-shaped legs out of your jeans, you need to be naked before you change; it’s just a fact of life. Tonight is different; I do not want that man to see me naked. I do not want him to see the scars that he left on me. I strip strategically; boots and socks first, then my jeans, so that I’m left in my black, oversized pull-over. I pack my clothes into the bag I’ve brought as I go. When there’s only the jumper left, I change as I pull it off. It means that I have to do an inelegant little shake to get it over my head, but it means that no one’s had more than a brief flash before I was covered in fur.

  I’m the last to change and almost as soon as I’m done, Daniel is leading the howl, the call that heralds the start of our night. Only tonight there are two notable exceptions. I’m not howling, I don’t feel like I’m part of the pack, I can’t make myself answer my Alpha’s call; and as I look around I see that Callum isn’t howling either. I’m shocked. From everything that has been said, from what little I remember of the night of my attack, I’ve been expecting the complete opposite of the man, of the wolf, I’m seeing tonight.

  When we arrived he was stood quietly with Donna and Michael, there was no nervous pacing or bouncing up and down, no indication at all that this night was different from any other for him. He wasn’t speaking; there was no nervous chatter or babbling. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that he was relaxed, but he seemed to be mostly at ease. He has the same demeanour now that he’s changed; he’s simply stood, waiting for everyone else to be ready. I barely paid any attention to what he looked like as a man, but there’s no avoiding looking at him now. He’s staring back at me and I refuse to be the one to break. He’s got a white muzzle, and it stands out in the night because the rest of him is fairly dark. His legs are pale, but from just below his shoulders, over his back and to the tip of his tail he’s shades of grey, dark brown and black. I can just about make out that his lighter patches are almost golden rather than silver, but there aren’t many of them. The darker fur around his temples and ears only makes his bright yellow eyes stand out so much more.

  The call of the pack dies away and our little contest is broken up by the pack moving around us, setting off into the night. Michael nudges Callum, and together with Donna, they set off, following the pace that Daniel is setting. Rob barely spares me a backward glance as he trots off. I might be running with the pack tonight, but that doesn’t mean I have to run in the middle of it. I let everyone else get a head start and then place myself well at the rear, behind the younger wolves. I’m not out to prove anything tonight, I’m just here to show my face.

  I let the pack get further ahead of me than is probably prudent, not because I’m in danger of getting lost, there’s no chance of that; but Daniel will probably notice and call me out on it. Fuck him, he only said that he wanted me here, not that he wanted me front and centre. Bryn will be happy anyway, it’ll give him the opportunity to show off. The pack is far enough ahead that I’m following by scent rather than sight. I find that I’m actually enjoying myself a little now. I’ve never tried running on my own before, there’s never been a need to and it’s never really occurred to me that I could.

  The scent of the pack is a little weaker over the peat bogs, due to the amount of water in the ground. Peat soaks moisture up like a sponge. I’m not sure exactly what path Daniel has chosen, but I’m fairly certain I can get across by myself. I’m making slow but steady progress with my head down as I concentrate on the ground, when another wolf suddenly appears on my left and starts running me over to the right of where I was headed. At first I’m annoyed at being so rudely interrupted and pushed off my path, but then I realise that the wolf that’s almost knocked me over is Callum. My wolf instincts take over, I’m not that weak little girl in the alley any more, I’m a werewolf, I’m strong in my own right now and I will not tolerate someone trying push me about like that. I don’t know whether he’s planning to pick up where he left off and I don’t give him the chance. I crouch and with a quick growl I launch myself at him, snapping my jaws to let him know that I intend to take a chunk of him as a souvenir. He doesn’t attack me; he doesn’t snap back, he shows no aggression at all. He doesn’t cower or tremble, he simply turns around lopes off in the general direction of the pack

  My wolf-self feels as though she’s been dismissed, my human-self is wondering what the hell is going on. I hear a brief howl and I know it’s Daniel calling me. I haven’t got the time to sit around and wonder what on earth that little scene was all about. I get moving and catch myself up to the pack before I give Daniel reason to be truly angry with me. I speed up enough that I can see the pack again. We’re heading down a slope and my night vision is strong enough to pick out Michael, Donna and Callum running on the flank of the pack. Daniel, Bryn and Rob are running at the head. That surprises me; Rob isn’t usually fast enough to keep pace with Bryn and Daniel. I wonder if he’s sped up, or if they’ve slowed down. I push on, moving up the opposite flank to Michael’s little group. I don’t want to be the last one back to the meeting point. As we continue, I keep pace with them, but make sure to keep the pack inbetween us.

  We get back to the meeting point mostly together. Since Rob and I left our clothes in the same spot, he has to unglue himself from Daniel and Bryn before he changes back. I’m dressed again before he’s human. I watch Daniel and Bryn as I’m waiting for Rob, more for somewhere to look that isn’t at Michael, Donna or anyone else than anything. Daniel is keeping Bryn closer than usual. I open my senses to try and capture the vibrations around me and I realise that Daniel is trying to keep a leash on Bryn. The violence that’s rolling off Bryn in waves is almost suffocating and I can’t believe that I haven’t noticed it before now. I hadn’t realised quite how hard I’d shut myself down. Bryn isn’t a subtle man by nature; it’s blindingly obvious that his aggression is directed entirely at Callum. I doubt that it has anything to do with any feelings of protectiveness towards me. My very presence on this earth seems to irritate him, so I doubt he’s it
ching to defend my honour or anything as noble as that. I think this has a lot more to do with Bryn feeling threatened by another strong male. If nothing else, tonight has proven that Callum Lennox is not the wild, uncontrollable psychopath we were all expecting.

  I see Donna making her way over to me. I have no time for this; I don’t want to hear whatever it is she’s going to say. Before Rob is ready, I turn and head back to the car, he’ll just have to get a wriggle on and catch me up. Since Donna isn’t known for being shy with her opinions, I expect her to follow me, but she doesn’t. Eventually though, Rob does, and thankfully I can draw a line under tonight and get back to figuring out what the hell I’m going to do about my future.

  Chapter Seven

  I’m goin’ tae get ma pack back. After last night, I’m more determined than ever. I didnae see a healthy pack last night, I saw individuals runnin’ through the dark because they had tae. A healthy pack will mingle, they’ll rub up against each other, share scent, they’ll play fight. No’ a one touched another last night. I doona know what Daniel’s done tae them, but I know I doona like it.

  Before all the shite hit the fan, it was different. As wolves you couldnae tell the difference between us and any pack o’ full wolves. We used tae get together when it wasnae the full moon. We were no’ in each other’s pockets, there’d be some groups tighter than others, but it was like family. We’d use any excuse for a celebration tae get together. O’ course some o’ the pack still had their human families that they didnae want to break from, but they’d still find time for the pack. The winter solstice, the longest night of the year, was one o’ the best. There’s no’ any members who celebrate that as Pagans or whatever, so that was like our pack Christmas. We used tae spend the day together. If the weather was fine we’d go out, hike around, find somewhere tae eat and have a drink. Even if there was no’ a full moon anytime close we’d change, the Alpha’d help along any that struggled. By the time it was full dark there’d be a pack of half-cut wolves tottering around the moors trying no’ tae fall intae the streams.

  I got a taste o’ the way the pack’s been livin’ when Donna got a phone call that afternoon. It was Daniel askin’ everyone tae meet a little earlier than planned. He told Donna that he wanted a show o’ support for Becca, since it was her first time meetin’ the big bad wolf. What he meant was, he wanted a full audience for me turnin’ up crazy. He was sorely disappointed about that, you could almost taste in on him. I suspect he wanted tae make sure that the wee lass played along too. She didnae look happy when she realised that she was the only one who didnae get the memo about the time. For a split second she looked about ready tae maul Daniel. She obviously knows how tae play the game though, I doona think he realised just how pissed off she was.

  I knew the lad she was with must be Rob, the one she’s livin’ with. You couldnae tell it from seein’ the two o’ them together, though. He did no’ appear tae give a shite about her, whether she was scared or angry; and she’s a stubborn one. She wasnae about tae beg him for support, that lass was goin’ tae stand on her own two feet come hell or high water. It’s no’ usual tae be as shy about changin’ as she was last night. I doona think she must be like that all the time or Donna would likely have said. I s’pose I cannae blame her. The things she thinks I’m guilty o’, no wonder she didnae want me tae see her.

  Ah, but I did see her, though. She’s bonny enough as a human, long hair tae wrap your fists in, and brown eyes big enough tae make you promise the earth as long as they doona tear up. Her wolf is almost completely silver, white in a lot o’ places. She’s darker over her shoulders and ears, but that’s about it. Apart from her tail, which looks like she dipped the tip in a pot o’ ink, she’s even paler than Michael. If the way she held herself as a human didnae shout the message that she was no’ feelin’ the pack spirit, the fact she didnae howl did.

  I was thankful all over again that Michael had taken me out for that run. I was able tae keep maself composed. Daniel didnae like that. I was able tae get a good sense o’ the pack whilst we were runnin’. Everyone was just followin’ each other, tryin’ tae keep up, no’ botherin’ much about anyone else. I wasnae surprised that Becca hung back, she obviously wanted tae be anywhere else in the world. I wouldnae have minded seein’ the speed that Michael had told me about, though. I got a glimpse o’ it later, after the daft lass was done tryin’ tae hobble herself.

  She was headin’ straight intae a peat bog ‘fore I caught her. Wrapped up in herself as tight as she was, I could still just about feel her at the back o’ the pack. I could tell when she lost the scent o’ the pack and started goin’ off the trail. I couldnae let her get stuck and just leave her, but she wouldnae have listened tae any reasoning on my part. I turned ‘round and just about managed tae head her off from the bog. I couldnae stick around for long. She was about ready tae bite my ears off, but I couldnae let Daniel catch us mid-fight, it would have been just want he wanted. I had tae just turn tail and get ma arse back tae Donna and Michael.

  After that Becca kept closer tae the pack, but stayin’ a good long way away from me. I didnae miss that she kept pace with the three o’ us easy enough. I knew when we got back that she’d change as quickly as before, but I was ready for her this time. I stayed wolf ‘til she changed. It’s hard tae keep walls up whilst you shift. I wasnae expectin’ what I found, I couldnae tell her mood any better than before ‘cause all I could feel was electricity all over ma skin. I’ll no’ forget that feelin’ in a hurry.

  Donna’s no’ a happy one. She wanted tae go speak tae Becca, and Becca just left her standin’. In fact, that’s what she’s goin on about now as the three of us sit here at the dining table with a good, strong cup o’ tea whilst the boys are at school. It’s always a good idea tae take the day off after a full moon. We never get home ‘til dawn and most people doona realise what you’re doin’. Hardly anyone keeps track o’ what the moon does anymore.

  “Callum, are you even listening? She just walked away from me! She hasn’t given us any chance to explain.”

  I shape maself intae an answerin’ state. “Think about it Donna, what would you do if you were in her place?”

  I think Michael’s lookin’ for answers at the bottom o’ his mug. “We have to tell her. She shut herself off completely last night. She’s hating this, and she has to know it wasn’t you. The pack can’t carry on with someone acting like that.”

  “And tell her that it was Bryn and that we’ve known all this time and never said anything to her? Yeah, she’ll take that a lot better.”

  “No we don’t tell her that it was Bryn. She doesn’t need to know that, not yet. But we need to at least let her know that Callum is innocent. Think about it, Donna, she’s a smart girl, she won’t stick around now, especially after last night. Did you see the way Rob was with her? I’ll put money on her already having started packing. Callum, what do you think? Hey!”

  Michael nudges my knee; I must’ve been staring intae space again. I was thinkin’ about Becca standin’ there refusin’ tae break our staring contest, and the way that she launched herself at me ready tae fight. The lass wasnae scared tae take me on. She’ll no’ stick around because she’s too scared tae leave.

  “Aye, tell her, but you’ve got one big problem, fella.”

  “What?”

  “You’ve got tae get her tae speak tae you in the first place.” The thought o’ Michael tryin’ tae take Becca on makes me grin.

  O’ course, Donna has a plan. “Okay, I’ll talk to her. I’ve got a day off on Monday. I can catch her at work. If I go in just before lunch I can get her to come out with me, and she won’t be able to say no without making a fuss in the office.”

  “Donna, for a lovely lass you’re bloody ruthless at times, you know that?”

  She waves the insult away. “Yeah yeah, Michael tells me all the time.”

  Michael smile proudly at his wife, then turns back tae me. “What are you going to do about Daniel and Bryn?”

&nb
sp; “Bryn didnae make a secret o’ the fact that he wants me dead. He might try somethin’ soon, but I’m bettin’ Daniel’ll stop him. But I doona think even Daniel will be able to keep him down under a full moon. I’m no’ goin’ tae go after him. I want the pack tae see that it’s him that comes for me. I doubt he’s goin’ tae give me the option of leavin’ him alive, no’ that I want tae.”

  “And Daniel?”

  “I need the pack behind me before I take Daniel on. I doona want it split between the two o’ us. I need tae let Bryn make his move first, that’ll force the rest o’ ma play. And I need tae make everyone else see that this is no’ how a pack should be, most of ‘em should remember what it was like before.”

  Donna looks miserable. “Yeah we miss how it used to be. We need to solve this with Becca, though. As long as the pack still sees her hating you, they’ll never believe in you over Daniel. They’ll never let you in.”

  I cannae stop maself from askin’, “What about that Rob fella?”