A Life In A Moment

by Livos, Stefanos

  «You know, before I came, I was planning to ask you to come to London with me. But seeing how happy you are here, how badly you want to open a bookshop and having met Ellie, I can imagine you probably won’t want to leave.»

  «You’re right. I couldn’t leave now. But I will visit you in England soon. I’ve already asked Ellie to join me.»

  «You can come any time.»

  We were only a few metres away from the steep cliff that fell into the sea. A couple once ended their love story jumping off that cliff. Though nobody could tell with any certainty what had happened, the fact that their parents were opposed to their love affair was perhaps reason enough for what transpired that tragic dusk, six or seven years ago.

  That story crossed my mind when I saw the two wooden crosses on the edge of the cliff. They were slightly slanted, as if they were gazing at the sea beneath, as the two lovers must have done for some moments before their end. At their bases sat two bunches of fresh flowers. Their parents visited the spot every day. Even on the first day of New Year. That’s what love is like: mother of the greatest bliss and stepmother of the most tragic misery...

  13

  Two days later, at the airport, I was spending my last minutes with Pavlos. I didn’t know when I would see him again, which made parting even harder. It felt like only two days before that he had come to visit us. At least we had gotten to know each other, said what we had bottled up inside for so long, and signed the letting contract with Mrs Yiota.

  It was with sadness that I heard his flight announcement. I looked at him for the last time. Aunt Urania was in tears.

  «My child, why are you going again so soon? It wasn’t long enough for us...», she told him. She would have told him exactly the same thing, even if he had stayed for 2 years.

  «Don’t worry, Aunt. Things will be different from now on», he reassured her, waving Uncle Haralambos goodbye.

  «Take care, my child.»

  It was Natalia’s turn.

  «You, sweetie, keep your nose to the grindstone, and you’ll be able to choose whichever university you want. Take care of yourself and this guy», he said, pointing at me. «I’ve said this before, but you can come whenever you like. It’s not that far, you know that.»

  I nodded and we gave each other a hug. «Call us when you get there.»

  «Sure.»

  He stooped to pick up his luggage, looked at us for the last time, winked at me and walked away.

  Never before had I parted with a relative. Even if I had had, though, it would not be the same. He was my closest kin. I had found him and now I was losing him. The only redeeming thought was that I could find him again whenever I wanted.

  14

  «We’re going to fill this entire space with shelves, each 35cm high, except the last one at the top, which will be half a metre. We’ll do the same there, on that wall, the difference being that...»

  Assuming the tone of a serious and experienced businessman, I was giving instructions to the carpenter I’d commissioned. I just hoped he would take me more seriously than I did myself.

  After explaining exactly what I wanted, he started talking about the kinds of wood we could use, their prices and advantages, so I could make up my mind.

  The next day, I would pop by to give him some money upfront. He promised everything would be ready in twenty days’ time, and he would install the shelves himself. By that stage, I would have obtained catalogues from a variety of publishing houses and finalised arrangements to order the books I wanted. The windowpanes were covered with newspapers, concealing what I was up to from everyone I knew. This way, I would keep all prying eyes — and all prying questions — at bay.

  Once I decided on the name for my bookshop, I asked the carpenter to create a wooden sign, engraved with letters. Horizons — a nod to my aunt’s restaurant. It was a symbolic act to honour her, as well as expressing my deep affection and loyalty for the family.

  While the bookshop’s development was well under way, things were less encouraging in my relationship with Ellie. She was pained by my long absences, and her mind plagued with anxious thoughts.

  «What are you up to when you’re not here?» she asked me one day, while we sat together in my lounge.

  I played with my lips, preparing an answer that probably wouldn’t satisfy her.

  «I can’t tell you.»

  «Why not?»

  «Because I can’t.»

  «So, you’re keeping secrets from me.»

  I smiled at her. «You don’t need to worry about anything. When the time comes, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.»

  «Oh, so until then you’ll just leave me imagining all sorts of things.»

  «Why, what are you imagining?»

  «Whatever you make me imagine.»

  I heaved a sigh to show her my despair. «Believe me, it’s just an innocent little secret you’ll learn very soon. Is that enough?»

  «Well, if it really is such an innocent little secret, why can’t I know now?» she insisted, seeing I was steadfast in my reticence.

  In the end, reacting either to her pressure or out of disappointment with her absence of trust, I gave her a final and flat answer:

  «I’m not going to tell you.»

  She was flabbergasted. She shot to her feet. My embrace was too tight for her.

  «When you decide to tell me this innocent, little secret, as you call it, you know where to find me. Have a nice evening», she said, leaving the room with pride that made me smile and love her all the more. I already knew what the expression on her face would be when she finally learnt my secret.

  Ellie had taken our discussion much more seriously than I had. I would see the picture more clearly over the following days, when she avoided meeting me. However, I decided to wait for fifteen days until I was ready to divulge my secret. At any rate, I had to be at the bookshop for hours on end and there was little time to devote to running after Ellie to convince her.

  15

  Now it was time for the finishing touches: hang the Horizons sign, classify the books and place them on the shelves. Then, I needed to memorise what each section of the bookcases included, remove the newspapers off the windowpanes and polish them. Finally, the floor needed sweeping and polishing.

  On the final day, when everything was done, I wrote on a piece of paper in calligraphic script:

  Horizons, a new bookshop in your neighbourhood. Opening day: March 1st.

  That was Monday, forty-eight hours away.

  I walked outside of the bookshop ten minutes before midnight, to take in the overall picture of it. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of exaltation. It was not only a dream come true, but also a very real personal accomplishment. And all in less than one and a half months.

  He would be proud of me if he were here, I thought of Pavlos and smiled.

  I returned home exhausted but determined to reveal the secret to Ellie — the secret that had upset her so much.

  16

  «Good morning!» I said to her as soon as her face appeared at the door.

  Her reply was tentative.

  «Come on, let’s go!»

  «Where?»

  «You’ll see.»

  The atmosphere between us was cold. I tried to warm it up by resurrecting our conversation after every pause.

  «So, this is my secret», I said upon our arrival outside the bookshop.

  She looked at the place worriedly. «You’ve found a job?»

  «You could say that. I’m starting on Monday», I said, unlocking the door.

  Her face lit up. «Don’t tell me...»

  «You’ve been pestering me to tell you, and now you say Don’t tell me?»

  «You’ve done all this on your own?» she asked after a furtive glance around.

  «Yes, on my own! That’s why it was a secret. An innocent, little secret», I added, reminding her of our last conversation.

  «So... I owe you an apology?» she asked me, her face falling into that look she kne
w I found irresistible.

  «If it’s not sincere, you don’t need to.»

  She finally kissed me, penitently.

  «I’m sorry...»

  At the time, I found all those antics endearing, but now, more than a decade later, I recall them as pretentious and foolish. Yet, at that age, reality did not count as much as sweet lies and dreams.

  Just like Ellie, all the rest rejoiced at the news. They couldn’t wait to see the bookshop, but I didn’t give them the address. Natalia was the exception, of course, who — like an inquisitive little imp — hunted Horizons down. When she saw the inscription, she knew she’d arrived.

  The opening day was far better than I had expected. Aunt Urania alone bought more than three shelffuls of books and I’m sure she would have bought the shelves themselves if she could. There were a lot of people attending and proceeds far surpassed my expectations. Everyone wished me good luck, while Ellie, unofficially playing hostess, showcased all her networking talents to forge strong human relations.

  Her father came to congratulate me. He was happy that a parentless child, as he also was, had climbed one rung up the social ladder. Her mother made similar cordial wishes, while Michalis and Thanos, whom I hadn’t seen for a long while, teased me by calling me The Boss all the time.

  Yet, what moved me the most was the card Natalia gave me:

  Brother, congratulations! I know you’ll steal the show tonight.

  I believe in your abilities. You should always remember this.

  Regards to everyone. Kisses to Ellie.

  Love, Paul and Samantha.

  Paul... It was strange to read it, but it made sense. Paul sounded much better and was certainly more pleasant to the British tongue than the hoarse, Greek word Pavlos. I put the tin lid on my linguistic thoughts and realised that these words — that he had imparted to my cousin over the phone — had made me even happier.

  A smile, rooted deep down in my heart, brightened up my face, filling it with perfumed flowers of all colours...

  17

  A full year had elapsed and everything had changed, and yet stayed the same. I was nineteen and I thought my life was on track. I believed that, even if I dozed off at the wheel, my journey would continue without any major hurdles. Little did I know I was travelling with no fixed destination.

  I was still a lowly bookseller who spent his days among books. I would dust them, read them, sell them, shuffle them about on their shelves. They were my children. I was a busy father, with an exhausting schedule, but my family didn’t come home with me. They were a family that recharged my batteries, only to let them run low every night.

  I was forced to forfeit many luxuries of my single life. The carefree awakenings, my coffee time on the veranda, the sunsets in the attic, meeting with my family. Only with Natalia I had more frequent contact. She would drop by the bookshop sometimes to see me or ask for my advice on things that concerned her.

  Neither did I see my friends very often. We played chase, like in the past, but now we didn’t chase one another; we chased time, which ran faster than all of us. Thanos spent all week at the photographic lab, while at weekends he attended weddings and christenings as their official photographer. Michalis wasn’t busy at all, but had hidden himself away at home, cramming for his Polytechnic exams. Later on, I was to learn the real reason why we never saw each other.

  The long separations, caused by my shopkeeping hours, made me miss Ellie more than anyone else. She was my gaping wound, which was deepening all the more. For this very reason, we bickered constantly. I knew she was right about my too-long absences, but she also knew I had no other option. We could never find a middle road.

  «You can come to the bookshop whenever you want; we can spend the nights together; we can meet on Monday and Wednesday evenings when I am not working...», I told her every time we fought.

  «Vassilis, you’re not the only one with commitments. I have to attend school, study, write papers, prepare for the exams...»

  I shrugged my shoulders. «So, there’s problem on both sides.»

  Ellie agreed, grudgingly, and I carried on:

  «But you know I have to stick to this schedule. I can’t change it.»

  «I can’t change anything either», she would always state imperiously, putting an end to the discussion.

  Though the whole situation was sad, it was at least consoling that we hadn’t given up on those repeated, purposeless discussions. But for how long?

  18

  One day, I saw Thanos enter the bookshop, pacing on the carpet of the smile I had laid. I was smiling because I didn’t know yet the real purpose of his visit.

  «How have you been, buddy? Long time no see!» I said to him with a sense of bitterness.

  «Well, we’re both up to our eyes in work... How are you doing here?»

  I nodded my head to signal my satisfaction. «Relatively well. There’s stability; you know what to expect.»

  «Stability is always good.»

  «It’s strange to hear that from you!»

  «Many things have changed, my friend. I guess you’ve realised that. We’ve grown up. Just a bit, but we have.»

  «We’re still wet behind the ears!» I smiled. «So, what’s brought you here?»

  That was exactly the question my friend had anticipated.

  «First of all, we haven’t seen each other for quite some time, so I thought I’d drop by to see you. But… I also need to tell you something. To be more precise, I need to confide something in you.»

  I looked at him without saying anything. I was surprised and a little worried. «What’s going on?»

  «Look. I’ve been wavering over whether I should tell you or not. But I wouldn’t be able to have it on my conscience for much longer. I’d be completely consumed by it.»

  «I understand what you mean. Tell me.»

  «How are you getting along with Ellie?»

  I didn’t like the way Ellie had suddenly entered the conversation.

  «I don’t know. The truth is we haven’t been seeing each other very often.»

  «And Michalis? How long is it since you two saw each other?»

  I was taken aback. I had no idea how these two questions could be related. «I don’t see him very often, either. Actually, it’s been quite a long time.»

  Thanos wasted no more time. He was already consumed by his overwhelming secret. «Vassilis, whatever I tell you, you’d better double-check the facts yourself, alright?»

  «Alright, can you tell me already?»

  «Well, yesterday afternoon, as I was driving past the harbour, I saw two figures walking side by side, and I thought they were Michalis and Ellie. But I didn’t see them clearly, so I didn’t believe it was them. Then, stopped at the traffic lights, I got a better look and realised I was right.»

  I felt the floor move beneath my feet. I swung between shock and rage, despite Thanos’ advice to first seek out the facts.

  «And, of course, I wouldn’t have come to upset you for no reason, but I’ve seen them walk together again.»

  He was asking me to take nothing at face value; yet he had already sown the seed of suspicion, planting it deep inside my head, watering it and watching it grow. I leant over the counter, shock weighing heavily around my neck.

  «What do you think I should do?»

  Thanos just shrugged his shoulders.

  «I don’t know what to say. I mean… How? Michalis and Ellie?»

  «Vassilis, I’ve told you. Don’t take any of this at face-value.»

  I half-smiled nervously.

  «Look, whatever you decide to do, please don’t mention me. All this may be true, but I can’t be sure what’s behind it. I wouldn’t like all this to sour my relationship with Ellie or Michalis. I’ve known them both for so long.»

  «Are you sure you know them?» I asked suggestively.

  «I know them, Vassilis. It’s a totally different thing if people sometimes surprise me.»

  I was thinking of all the possi
ble aspects that could justify what I had just learnt. None of them seemed at all reassuring.

  «Have you spoken with him?» I asked.

  «Of course not. What was I supposed to tell him? Even if I talked to him, do you think he would tell me? Michalis would easily have me believe I’m imagining things.»

  I saw his point.

  «So, Ellie is all we’re left with.»

  «If you ask me, I wouldn’t talk to her directly. If something’s going on, she wouldn’t admit it.»

  19

  I met her the following afternoon. After we had our usual conversation over our limited free time, I asked her if she saw our other friends.

  «Natalia is the only one I see quite often. Actually, far more often than I see you.»

  «What about the others?»

  «I don’t know. I haven’t seen them lately. No, I’m lying! I saw Thanos...»

  «I saw him too, two days ago. But I haven’t seen Michalis for quite some time.»

  «Nor have I. Last time I saw him was over a month ago, at that dinner we had all together.»

  I heard that sentence like a ball smashing a window. I felt the slivers slicing into my heart.

  I took a closer look at her. Was she the same girl that asked me to be together forever? I’d known her for four years and I would say she hadn’t changed a bit. But what if she had and I hadn’t noticed?

  There was an unshaken kind of smile hanging on my face, like a piece of clothing hanging to dry. I heard all my feelings parade proudly inside me. Fury was the platoon leader, followed by bitterness, indignation, sorrow, pain and disillusionment.

  I let Ellie go, without trying to make her stay. I immediately called Thanos, who arrived soon after, the loyal friend that he was. After I told him about my exchange with Ellie, we talked about her behaviour.

  «I am sorry, Vassilis», he said with a crooked voice, as if he was a messenger delivering the bad news of a war threat.