Remembrance

by Mary Monroe

  “Are you leaving now?” I wanted him to stay.

  “I can stay a few more minutes.”

  “Thanksagainforthecards,” I said, speaking so fast it sounded like one long word. I caught my breath, and then I began to speak at a much slower speed. “Uh, I’d like to pay for your trip to Pennsylvania. It would be my Christmas gift to you. And you wouldn’t have to take a Greyhound bus. You could fly first-class. Do you need new clothes, luggage, or anything else? What about money?”

  Charles held up his hand. “Don’t even think about doing any of that, because I won’t accept it. There are much better causes for you to spend your money on.”

  “Okay. Well, would you like to stay in a nice hotel until you leave? You could watch TV, take long hot baths, and order all the room service you want.”

  “Thank you for offering, but I’ll be just fine.”

  “If you change your mind, let me know.”

  “I will.” Charles tilted his head to the side and stared at me for a few seconds. “Bea, I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate your offer. I’m afraid that if I let you put me up in a hotel, buy me new clothes, and whatnot, I’d be tempted to stay out here so I could get to know you better. That could cause problems for us both.”

  “I understand.” His eyes were so intense, it felt like he was looking through me. “Thank you for saving my life, Charles.”

  “You’re welcome. Believe it or not, you were the first person I’d ever performed CPR on.” He grinned.

  “Well, you obviously knew what you were doing. If I don’t see you again before you leave, I wish you all the luck in the world. I’ll be praying for you.”

  Charles didn’t respond with words. Instead, he gazed into my eyes and nodded. Then he got up and left.

  CHAPTER 22

  When I returned to work, I went to the restroom four times in less than an hour. Each time, I locked myself into a stall and stood there, going over everything in my head that Charles had said to me. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn’t concentrate on much of anything. Things seemed so surreal. It wasn’t long before I felt like I was in a fog. On my last visit to the restroom, I sat on the commode and cried until somebody tapped on the stall door. “Bea, are you all right in there?” It was Mrs. Snowden.

  “I’m just a little under the weather,” I answered, sniffling.

  “Are you sure? You’ve been acting very peculiar ever since you returned from lunch.”

  “I’m fine,” I said firmly as I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped my eyes and nose.

  “Well, I don’t want you to get any sicker. Especially this close to Christmas. We’re going to close in a few minutes, so why don’t you go on home now and take care of yourself. We’ll be extremely busy the next few days, but we can manage without you. I want you to take off as much time as you need.”

  “Thank you,” I whimpered. “I’m sure I’ll feel much better by tomorrow, so I’ll be here. I’ll have to leave for a couple of hours because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Oh? Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, it’s just my annual routine checkup.” I managed to grin. “I’m as healthy as a horse.”

  “All I care about now is you taking care of yourself, dearie. Now you go on home, and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

  When I heard the door close, I stumbled out of the stall and splashed my face with cold water. I collected my things from the employees’ coatroom and literally ran to my car.

  My head was throbbing, so it was hard to stay focused on driving. I weaved in and out of traffic as if I’d had a few too many drinks. Because of the condition I was in, I took the shortest route I knew of to get to my house.

  * * *

  I was glad I had calmed down by the time I got home. I was still in a mild state of shock, but I could think clearly. I parked in the garage next to Eric’s Range Rover and glanced in my rearview mirror. My eyes were slightly red and swollen, so it was obvious I had been crying. I remained in my car for a couple of minutes, so I could be more composed when I went inside.

  I was pleased to see that Eric was busy putting more tinsel on the Christmas tree when I walked up behind him in the living room. There were at least two-dozen gift-wrapped presents already under the tree, and there would be many more by the time the holiday rolled around.

  “Don’t laugh, honey. I know I can’t outdo you when it comes to decorating a tree, but I just thought we could use a little more tinsel.”

  “You know I don’t mind.”

  He stood up straight and wiped sweat off his face with the back of his hand. Then he did a double take. “Have you been crying?”

  “Uh-huh. We had a little celebration before I left work and I got a little emotional.” I hated lying, especially to Eric. But there were times when it was the only way I could get myself out of a jam.

  “Hmmm. I thought you told me you guys were going to have a little holiday thing on Friday, like almost everybody else.”

  “We were. But one of our cooks had to suddenly change his plans and take his holiday time off, starting today. Something about a family emergency in Montana. We decided to have our holiday reception today, so he wouldn’t miss out on the fun.” I had just told an unnecessary lie, but I wasn’t ready to tell Eric the real reason I had been crying. He would have harped on it, and that would have made me cry even more. I planned to tell him someday, though. I wasn’t good at keeping secrets from him for too long. I eased up to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

  He gave me an exasperated look and pulled me into his arms. “Baby, you’re going to have to do better than that.” He embraced me and kissed me long and hard. It helped me relax, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about what Charles had revealed. “I hope your day was better than mine. One of our regular customers called for service this morning after her great-grandson tried to flush his shoe down the toilet. She grew up in Mississippi during the fifties and sixties and still thinks black folks were put on this planet to serve white folks. After I unclogged her toilet, she had the nerve to hand me a mop to clean up the mess on her bathroom floor.” Eric laughed and shook his head as he picked up more tinsel. I dropped down onto the couch like a lead balloon.

  “Did you do it?” I asked.

  “Yup! And I’m glad I did. She was so grateful, she paid me double. Just as I was about to leave, she held me hostage for another hour so she could tell me how pleased she was to see how far my people had come.”

  “Why did you stand there and listen to some crazy old white woman’s foolishness for an hour?”

  “Baby, I get paid by the hour. When she asked me to haul her fake Christmas tree out of the basement and help her decorate it, I did that too. And that took another two hours. She gave me a fifty percent tip and offered me some eggnog.” Eric laughed. “Now, how was your day? Anything unusual happen?”

  “Nope,” I said quickly. I wasn’t ready to tell him that I’d finally met the man who had saved my life, and that he was the same one Mark’s friend had seen me “kicking back” with at Iola’s deli. I would tell him and everybody else, but I wanted to be more comfortable with the information first. Hopefully, I’d be at that point by Christmas. In the meantime, all I cared about was that I felt better about my traumatic experience than I’d felt in years. I had come full circle. It had taken the kind words of a “stranger” I’d known less than three weeks to make me look at my life from a more realistic perspective.

  I must have been out of my mind to even consider separating from Eric, or for feeling unfulfilled because he bored me. I felt like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz because I now realized that there was no place like home, especially the one I had.

  “Eric, after dinner, I’m going to call up the few people who said that they’d come to my party and let them know I’ve decided to cancel it. Do you think they’ll be disappointed?”

  “They’d probably be more disappointed if you don’t cancel it,” he snickered, and tossed tinsel
at me.

  “I want to spend the day with just you and the kids—if they’re not too busy to come.”

  “Baby, that’s the best thing you’ve said in a long time.”

  That night, when I called up the wives of the three couples who had confirmed their attendance, not a single one seemed disappointed when I told them I was going to cancel. I apologized to each one for letting them know so late, but that didn’t faze them either. “I was going to give you a call tonight to let you know I couldn’t make it, after all,” my hairdresser, Madeline Lawson, told me. “My in-laws suddenly decided to spend the holiday with us. Maybe Paul and I will make it to your New Year’s Eve party—”

  “There won’t be one this year,” I said quickly. “It’ll be a while before I host another big party. It’s time for me to slow down.”

  “Bea, I’m glad to hear you say that.” Madeline sounded relieved. “A lot of us were getting worried about you burning yourself out.”

  “I was too,” I admitted.

  CHAPTER 23

  Since Lisa was the hardest one to catch, I decided to give her a call first. I waited until Eric had gone upstairs to take a shower. I didn’t want him to be in the living room in case I said something to her I didn’t want him to hear. She didn’t answer her cell phone or her landline. I tried her landline again Thursday morning around seven a.m., hoping I’d catch her before she left to go to work. The phone rang seven times before her answering machine took the call. “Lisa, when you get this message, please call me right away. It’s very important.”

  I heard a click and she picked up immediately. “What’s wrong, Mama?”

  “Nothing is wrong. First, I’d like to know how you’re doing. It’s been a few days since we talked.”

  “I’m doing fine. I’m just tired of dealing with the holiday crowds everywhere I go. I had to stand in line over an hour at Bloomingdale’s yesterday just to pay for one gift.” Lisa laughed, and then there was an awkward moment of silence. “Did you want something?”

  “Are you going to join us for Christmas dinner?”

  Her loud sigh saddened me. “Oh, Mama. I don’t think I could stand another year with all those old people drinking like fish and acting like fools.”

  “That won’t be the case this year. It’ll be only immediate family. I’m going to check with Mark and Denise as soon as I can.”

  “Is this the ‘very important’ something you’re calling about?”

  “Yes. Seeing you on the most special day in my life is very important to me.”

  “Yeah. But Anwar’s favorite uncle from Cairo will be passing through San Francisco on Christmas Day on his way to attend a business meeting in Honolulu. He has a five-hour layover. We promised him we’d pick him up at the airport and treat him to dinner. I don’t want to go back on my word. I can come over after he leaves, but it’ll be close to eight or nine p.m. Is that all right?”

  “Lisa, get here when you can. We’ll save a plate for you.”

  “It’ll be nice to celebrate with just us five for the first time.”

  “I think so too. Organizing that Thanksgiving get-together last month wore me out. I don’t think I have enough energy left to do another big function so soon.”

  Lisa gasped. “Something is definitely wrong with you if you don’t want to do a big party for Christmas and your birthday! What’s the matter, Mama?”

  “I’m just a little tired, that’s all. Other than that, I feel fine. But when I go see Dr. Lopez this afternoon, I’ll take whatever he prescribes if he thinks I need it.”

  More silence followed and my mind drifted. I couldn’t stop thinking about my conversations with Charles—especially the last one—and how his words had impacted me. Not only did I feel elated, I felt redeemed. He had shown me what I had not been able to see on my own: I had everything I needed to be happy. The only thing I needed to change—or could change—was my attitude. Like Charles had suggested, I should be grateful for what I had, and not complain about what I didn’t have. I was appalled with myself for having some of the thoughts I’d had lately. What woman in her right mind would be dissatisfied with a good man like Eric because he bored her? I was getting emotional and close to tears, so I was anxious to get off the telephone. I didn’t want Lisa to hear me boo-hooing like a baby. “I’d better go so I can get ready for work.”

  “Mama, I’m glad you called, and I hope your doctor’s appointment goes well,” she said with her voice cracking.

  “Like I said, I’m just a little tired. A few vitamins should take care of that.”

  I was eager to get to work, but I decided to try and catch up with Mark and Denise before I left the house. When I called each one, I blocked my telephone number so they wouldn’t know it was me calling. Denise answered in a very excited voice on the first ring. “Don’t get too excited. It’s only your mother,” I told her.

  “Oh,” she muttered. “Hi, Mama. I was just about to get in the shower.”

  “I called to tell you that I’m not having a big party on Christmas Day. It’ll be just us.”

  “Us who?”

  “Your daddy and me, and your siblings. I hope you’ll be able to make it. Even if you have to come late.”

  “Well, I might, and I might not.”

  I called Mark right after I hung up with Denise. He said basically the same thing. I didn’t get too disappointed because they didn’t flat-out say no. I felt hopeful just knowing that my children “might and might not” spend that special day with Eric and me.

  * * *

  I was in such a good mood, I drove down Sacramento Street to get to work, which meant I had to cross Alcatraz Avenue. For the first time since my accident, I didn’t get nervous or break into a sweat as I approached the intersection. I didn’t feel any different than I felt when I crossed any other intersection! Just to be sure this was not a onetime thing, I made a U-turn and drove through the intersection again. I didn’t feel anything this time either. After driving it for the third time, I parked at the curb and took several deep breaths. Now that I knew Charles Davenport was the mystery man who had saved my life, the fear of this location that had held me hostage for so many years no longer existed.

  Other things he’d said danced around in my head too. It had never occurred to me that some of the things I did, or didn’t do, were part of the reason Eric had begun to bore me. I wasn’t sure when or how, but I was going to fix that. I would focus more on some of the things he wanted me to do with him. I’d even volunteer to go fishing with him, as well as the next ball game. Improving my relationship with the kids wouldn’t be so hard. The main thing I needed to do was let them live their lives the way they wanted, but they were pretty much doing that by avoiding me. If they came to the house on Christmas Day, I’d do and say whatever I had to in order to make them feel comfortable, so they wouldn’t eat, grab their presents, and run.

  I prayed that Charles would be at Iola’s today so I could talk to him some more. I was anxious to have another conversation while everything he’d told me was still fresh on my mind. I was also anxious to hear any other philosophical advice and positive suggestions he had to offer, at least one more time. I knew that if he did leave the state, I’d probably never see him again.

  Thursday turned out to be a very busy day, so I didn’t have time to take a morning break and go to Iola’s. And Charles didn’t come to eat breakfast with us. I was very disappointed. Since I had to take off a couple of hours for my doctor’s appointment, I worked through my lunch hour, but Charles didn’t come for lunch either. I prayed that he’d show up for dinner.

  * * *

  I was exhausted by the time I went for my two o’clock appointment with Dr. Lopez. As soon as I sat down across from him at his desk in his office, I felt better. For one thing, I’d been to several different doctors over the years and he was the one I felt most comfortable with. He always gave me the undivided attention I needed. “So, Mrs. Powell, before we get started, is there anything you’d like to disc
uss first?”

  “Yes, there is.” I cleared my throat and sat up straighter. “I’m pretty sure I’ve started menopause.”

  “Oh? What makes you think that?”

  “I haven’t had a period since October, and I’ve been feeling tired and experiencing insomnia these past few days. When I got out of bed this morning, I felt so dizzy I almost fell. Is there something you can give me to speed up the process so I can go through it and get it over with? And please give me something that won’t cause any weird side effects, like a beard. My mother got up one morning looking like Fidel Castro.”

  Dr. Lopez chuckled and scratched his own bearded cheek. “We can discuss those issues after the exam.” He paused and gave me a serious look. “Menopause is a spontaneous and gradual process. It happens gradually and in stages that vary from one woman to another. Why do you want to speed it up if it’s already begun?”

  “I want to speed it up so it can end faster.”

  “Well, I hate to tell you, but it could go on indefinitely. And there is no guarantee that any medication can change that. I have patients in their seventies who are still experiencing mood swings and night sweats. Other than the symptoms you mentioned, do you have any others?”

  “What else do I have to look forward to?”

  “There are numerous symptoms. Most women generally have night sweats, insomnia, mood swings, lethargy, and sudden weight gain. The most common complaint, at least with my patients, is short-term memory loss. The patient who came in right before you, stopped talking in the middle of a sentence because she forgot what we’d been discussing for ten minutes.”

  “Dementia could be the next thing I have to deal with?” I didn’t want to get hysterical, but what I’d heard so far made me want to bolt and check myself into an old folks’ home.

  Dr. Lopez chuckled again. “There’s a huge difference between dementia and short-term memory loss. I’ll give you some reading material that should help alleviate some of your fears.”