After We Fell (Falling Fast #1.5)

by Jessica Gibson

  “It’s not irrational. I used to sleep on the floor in my mom’s room. I didn’t want her to die alone, especially at the end.”

  “I don’t know how to be because it’s impossible to be normal with him. I know he needs it, but it’s like trying to run in water.”

  “Take it a day at a time. You’ll get into a routine once he starts his treatment, and it will be easier to regain some amount of normalcy.” The sound of excited voices broke up our little chat. She waved and stepped aside as my students filtered into the room.

  I put on a smile and began to set up the bars in the correct formation for our warmup. This was a fun group, it was the nine and ten-year-old class, and they were so sweet. I took them through their warmup, calling out positions and stretches. I walked among the rows, correcting where needed.

  I could breathe again; ballet had given me back a sense of myself before this had started. Today, we would be learning some new steps to add to the piece they had been working on. The girls took a seat by the mirror as I cued up the music. The way I liked to teach was to dance the steps all the way through once and then have them get up and follow along.

  We danced together for an hour, most of them picking up the new steps and movements quickly. By the time class was over, I felt better, lighter. And very thankful for ballet and an hour of freedom from worry.

  That was my last class of the day and I decided to do some work on the piece I was trying to choreograph for the spring season. This was for my older girls, and I was going to push them harder this time.

  I set up my iPhone and began to move as the first strains of a violin came through the speakers. I poured out my soul into the dance, my arms stretching, legs extending. I pushed myself to the brink; my feet ached and my heart pounded. Finally, I collapsed to the floor, breathing heavy.

  “That was beautiful.” I found Levi in the mirror, standing just inside the door. Watching, like he always did.

  “Thanks. Sorry, I didn’t mean to stay so late.” I felt guilty. He needed me; I shouldn’t be taking so much time for myself.

  “I love to watch you dance. You forget everything else and just feel the movements. I envy you, having that escape.” He walked toward me. I unlaced my shoes and got up.

  “What do you need? Tell me what you need, Levi. I’m dying to help you get through this, but I don’t know how.” The words tumbled out before I could stop myself from speaking.

  “I just need you. I’ve always needed you. The road ahead is scary and uncertain for me, for us. I don’t know what the outcome will be and that freaks me out more than anything does. What I really hate is that our lives have revolved around this for almost a month already. I don’t want every waking moment to be about the cancer. Can we try and be normal?” He was begging.

  I pulled him into my arms and kissed him. It had been a while since we had touched each other in any way besides comforting. I could give him normal. I licked at his lower lip, grazing it with my teeth.

  “We should …” His breathing was heavy.

  “Yeah, we should go. This can’t happen here.” I gave him a look that spoke of the things I wished we could be doing right now.

  He followed me home and pounced the moment we were through the door.

  “Missed you,” he whispered between kisses.

  “Missed you too.” I sighed. I had missed him, not just this, but also intimacy in general. His touch, the sound of his laugh. Just lying together in bed talking for hours. I missed all the things that were supposed to be making up our first year of marriage.

  Clothes were torn as we kissed and walked down the hall, like a trail of breadcrumbs leading back to where we started. His lips burned against my skin, searing me, branding me as his.

  In our bedroom, he stopped and told me to sit on the bed while he stood in front of me. “Tell me that you want me still. That this hasn’t changed how you feel about me.” He gestured to the small cut on his chest. “I need to know I affect you the way you do for me. I have to hear it, Becca. Tell me. I’ve been so lost this month.” His eyes blazed.

  “Do you want to know what you do to me, Levi? Do you need to hear how I lose my breath every time we kiss? How I imagine you when I’m alone, wishing it was you touching me? Is that what you need, baby? Do you need me to tell you how lost I’ve been? No, your scars don’t scare me; in fact, they make me love you more. You make me so damn hot, baby. I wanted to rip your fucking clothes off and make love on the floor in my studio. I’ve never wanted you more, Levi.”

  “Jesus.” He growled and stepped toward me, yanking my hair back and crushing his mouth against mine. Tonight wouldn’t be about tenderness. Tonight would be about feeling alive. I let him shove me back against the bed and yank my hips against him.

  I gazed up at him, silently imploring him to take everything I had to give until he’d had his fill. In one deliciously fluid motion, he was inside, filling me, making me feel everything.

  “That’s it. Just feel.” He leaned down and pressed wet kisses to every inch of skin he could reach. We had found our way back to each other.

  ****

  Ruth sat with me in another of the countless waiting rooms we had been in the last month. They were prepping Levi for surgery to remove the cancerous tumor in his lung before it could grow anymore.

  “You’d think I’d be used to all this by now. All the waiting.” I gestured to the awful decor and old magazines in the waiting room.

  “You never really get used to something like this. Sure, it gets easier, the routine of it, but you never fully get used to the horror of it all. The medications, seeing someone you love suffer and waste away to nothing.” She stared at the wall in front of us, not seeing me, probably forgetting that she was even answering a question. I had no idea if she had been down this road before, but it sure sounded like she had.

  “When?” I didn’t ask the full question.

  “Six years ago. My sister, May. It was pancreatic cancer, though. From the time she was diagnosed to when she passed away, it was only four months. In the blink of an eye, she was gone forever. To watch the cancer ravage her killed me. In the end, she had lost so much weight that she didn’t even look like herself. She was a shell, not the sister I wanted to remember.” She looked at me, and I could see her fear.

  “We’re going to get through this.” I had to believe that. I needed to believe it.

  She didn’t answer, just held my hand while we waited to be let back to see Levi before surgery.

  “I don’t want to scare you, but at the same time, I want you to realize just what’s at stake. With May, I never let myself believe there was any real possibility that she could die. I blindly hoped that everything would be okay. That she would always be here. I’m not naïve like that anymore; I fully realize what’s at stake. It kills me that it’s my son, and a little piece of me dies when he’s in pain, when he’s sad. We have a different love for him, you and I, but we both love him. I hate that you just started your lives and this is happening. If I could change places with him, I would in a heartbeat.”

  I wanted to live in that world where I could blindly believe this would all go away, that he wouldn’t die. But Ruth was right; this could just as easily go sideways.

  “Mrs. Klein?” The nurse walked toward us.

  Both Ruth and I looked up. “I assume she means you, honey.” She squeezed my hand.

  I stood.

  “You can see him for a few minutes before he goes back for surgery. We gave him something for his nerves, so he may seem a little loopy when you talk to him.”

  A quick walk through the doors and down a long hallway and she led me through a curtain to Levi.

  “Hey, gorgeous.” He smiled in a sleepy sort of way. My heart broke a tiny bit looking at him. What if I never got to see that smile again?

  “Hey. How are you feeling?” I sat in the chair next to the bed and took his hand in mine.

  “Weird, sleepy. I think it’s the drugs. How are you holding up?” He
squinted at me, trying to focus on my face.

  “I’m okay. Just anxious for this to be behind us. Your mom just got here a little while ago, and we’re keeping each other company.”

  “We’re going to get through this. You know that, right?” He looked serious for a moment.

  “Of course, we are.” I leaned in and kissed him and hoped to God that I hadn't just lied to him.

  I stayed as long as they would let me, talking to him and trying to stay calm. When it was time for him to go, I stood and kissed him.

  “I love you.” I held back the tears; he needed my strength, not my weakness.

  “See you soon, baby.” He blew me a kiss, and I watched them wheel him away.

  The tears fell as I walked back out to the waiting room. I couldn’t hold them in any longer, couldn’t be strong. I silently prayed that they got the whole tumor, and the cancer hadn't spread anywhere else.

  Ruth was sitting where I left her and got up when she saw me, taking me in her arms and letting me sob.

  “Shh, it’s going to be okay.” She rubbed my back in slow circles.

  When I was all cried out, we sat and watched a talk show on the small TV in the room. Something about out of control kids or whatever. It was awful and compelling at the same time. We both found ourselves shaking our heads and muttering under our breath at the antics. As the credits rolled, I felt some semblance of normalcy return to me. The fear was still there but not as sharp.

  We walked down to the cafeteria to get some food while we waited. Levi still had another hour or so left before he would be done. The food wasn’t the best, but it got the job done. The cafeteria was located on one of the lower floors, so it felt like we were in a cave. No windows and a low ceiling.

  How on earth was I going to manage leading a normal life anymore? How could I give that to Levi when the cancer consumed all of my thoughts? I knew what he needed from me, but I had no idea how to give it to him.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Ruth’s soft voice broke through. I hadn't realized I’d been staring off into space.

  “Just trying to figure out my next move, that’s all. What our new normal will be.” I chewed on my straw.

  “Normal will be whatever you make it. There’s no such thing as the perfect way to live when you go through something traumatic like this. You just get through it and try to come out whole on the other side.”

  That was the trick, coming out of it whole. I hoped to everything that I wouldn’t come out of this with half a heart.

  We wandered back up to the waiting room. Ruth sensed that I didn’t want to talk, so she left me alone. My mind was blank; I couldn't let myself think about anything for a while. So I stared at the TV and waited.

  An hour or so later, the nurse came out to get me.

  “He’s not quite awake, but you can come back and see him if you’d like.” Her smile was gentle.

  I nodded, my heart leaping into my throat, and followed her down the same hall we’d gone down earlier. He was in a different room for recovery, lying in a bed hooked up to all sorts of things.

  “I’ll leave you alone for a while, but buzz me if you need me.” She pointed at the nurse call button on the wall. “This is the pain med button. If he wakes up and needs some, he’ll be due for it.” She held up a cord with a button at the end. I nodded that I understood and she left.

  I sank down into a small blue chair next to the bed as my emotions bubbled up from the box I had put them in. The tears escaped before I could tamp them down, seeing him look so helpless. I didn’t know if they had even gotten the whole tumor or not.

  I took his hand in mine and watched the steady rise and fall of his chest for a while. There was peace in it for me, although I felt guilty for just sitting in here alone with him when Ruth would want to come back to see him as well. It was hard not to be selfish with his time, our time.

  I have no idea how long I sat there in silence with him, just holding his hand, before the doctor came in.

  “Well, I have good news and some not so good news for you. The good news is that we got the whole tumor. The bad news is that some of the lymph nodes in the area look questionable.” He flipped through his chart.

  “What does that mean?” My heart beat faster.

  “Well, we will want to do a more aggressive round of chemo to start and we’ll go from there. The surgery itself went really well. It should take him a few weeks to feel like himself and then we’ll get started on the chemo.” He asked if I had any questions, but my brain stopped working after he mentioned the bad news. I was handed a sheet of paper with Levi’s aftercare instructions and a phone number to set up his treatments.

  The nurse came back to tell me Levi’s room was ready and they were going to move him. I went to find Ruth instead of following her.

  “I take it the news wasn’t the best?” She took one look at me and knew.

  “Not great, but I don’t think terrible either. They got the tumor, but some of the lymph nodes looked questionable he said.”

  “Okay. Okay. We can handle this.” She took my hand and squeezed it.

  Could we? Could I?

  Chapter 5

  Chemo was awful. So much worse than either of us had expected. He threw up without fail as soon as he was done. The doctor said we’d take it a week at a time. Levi had just completed his second week of treatments. Twice a week didn't seem like a lot to me until the first session. My heart broke to see him in pain.

  “Can I get you anything before I go?” I hovered at his side. I still felt guilty for going to lunch with Sadie and Julian.

  “Get out of here already.” He grinned and made a shoving motion. His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, and the way he gripped the sheet next to him told me he was in pain. I wanted to baby him, to take care of everything he could need or want, but he didn’t want that. He wanted normal, and for today, that was me going out with our friends while he got some rest.

  “Okay. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. And I have my phone if you need me before that.” My lips brushed over his clammy forehead.

  “Mmm.” He was already on his way to falling asleep, his eyelids drooping. His meds tended to knock him out. Most of our time together was him sleeping next to me, not that I minded. I was happy just to hear him breathing.

  After grabbing my jacket and keys, I let myself out of the house and into the car waiting at the curb. I felt like I was always holding back tears. This situation was so overwhelming.

  “Hey, Becs.” Sadie smiled at me as I closed the door.

  “Hey.” I forced my own smile. Nothing about this was normal to me.

  “How is he today?” Julian asked as he pulled out into traffic. It’s all anyone ever asked me anymore—how was Levi? Most days I had no idea how he was doing because he never really told me. He kept it all to himself, leaving me to deal with my own emotions by myself. I didn’t blame him, though, I had done the same thing for years.

  “The same. He was falling asleep when I left.” I stared out the window as we drove through the snowy streets.

  Sadie put a hand on Julian’s leg and smiled. Sometimes, I hated being around happy couples. Levi and I were happy once; now, we were coping. A few short months of bliss was all we had gotten before life crapped on us again.

  “How are you dealing?” Sadie turned to look at me.

  “I’m not. Or I don’t know,” I mumbled.

  “What? Complete sentences please?” I knew she was coming from a good place, but it was hard to put my feelings into words.

  “I’m not really dealing with my feelings at the moment. I’ve sort of pressed pause because if I let myself feel what’s inside, I’ll crumble.” Just saying those words were hard for me.

  “You know that’s not healthy,” Julian scolded.

  “Yeah, no kidding.” I shot back, feeling angry for a moment. “How am I supposed to be dealing with this, Julian? I have no idea where to start with it. I’m terrified most days. And I go between knowing that
he’s going to die and praying that he won’t. Do you know what it’s like to finally feel happy and then have that happiness pulled out from under you? I never knew it was something I could miss because I never had it to begin with. Levi made me want things I knew I shouldn’t want because people fail you, and things happen that you can't control. I’m mourning for the life we should be leading and missing the person that he was before this all started.” The tears got their way and I let them fall.

  “This is temporary, Becca. Hold onto that, make it your motto, tattoo it on your heart. You guys can and will get through this. All of what you’re feeling is okay and normal. As long as you don’t internalize everything, you’ll come out whole on the other side. That being said, maybe you should look into seeing someone again. It could help you more than you think.” He stared at me in the mirror.

  “Yeah, maybe.” I sniffed. God, I hated feeling like this. Weakness was eating me alive.

  The rest of the drive was blessedly silent. I hoped we were done with this conversation for the day, but I knew it would swing back around eventually.

  Julian pulled into the parking lot, and we filed into the warmth of the restaurant, some Italian place they liked. I honestly didn’t care what we ate.

  “What’s new with you guys?” I tried for a cheerful expression but ended up with some sort of grimace.

  “Not a lot. Just classes and all the normal stuff,” Sadie answered quickly, not meeting my eyes.

  “Okay? So what’s really going on?” I elbowed her.

  “Julian and I are going to move in together,” she blurted out, which earned her a glare from Julian. Were they not telling me happy things right now? Was I that girl again? I sighed before taking a few deep breaths.

  “You guys don’t have to hide things from me. We’re going through a really shitty time, but I need normal too. I can't live every day for chemo and cancer and neither can he. I need to feel at least a little bit connected to what my life used to be like.”